Figuring out stages of self actualisation/ ego backlash

[intotheblack]

Firstly excuse the life story but I feel I need to give a bit of context.  I’m 31 F
 

How do you figure out where you are in your self actualisation journey?  I understand there is no straight forward answer for everyone.  

I suppose my confusion lies in the realisation of things. Before I even knew anything about self actualisation or awakening, I had started to look inward around 3 and a half years ago when I moved to another country by myself.  

Before that I was living without direction and always had a deep sadness inside and never felt happy.  I feel like I have never been truly at peace.  I felt this way most of the time growing up but unconsciously of course.  I never told anyone about how I felt and chose the route of ‘not caring’  and stayed in my own world with protective bubble. 

I understand now that a lot of it came down to having an emotionally cold dad who was unpredictable and financially controlling. He would work away at sea for months at a time.  We have no close relationship.  My mam, the most loving and caring woman but who couldn’t be there mindfully.  She gave up her career to look after us and be a stay at home parent.  Yes she loved us but she had her own issues going on and her own anxiety’s.  She wanted us to stay children and we weren’t pushed to be independent.  I always felt ‘trapped’ that I knew no way out but knew I needed to get away.

Eventually at age 27 I found the drive to leave my small town and move to another country, Germany, where I currently am now.  Some circumstances and people I met since moving there threw me way out of my comfort zone.  
and so I started to question everything.  Question my life.  Question why I behave the way I do.  I started to understand more about my childhood, which had never crossed my mind before.   

I became a high functioning depressive.  I was still going to work,  but I was in such a dark stage that every day I would wake up thinking I would be better off dead.  I never actually considered doing it but the thoughts were there.  I hated everything and I felt like I did in my teens again but different this time.  I had a show down with my boss at work and I walked out of my job.  This followed by more darkness.  I still found motivation to find another job but this sadness continued.  I think this phase could be ‘fighter stage’ with some victim of course.   This could also be ego backlash? 

Matt Khan has said that depression is an awakening.  Some time after that the darkness lifted and I started to think differently.  After reading numerous self help material, changing my lifestyle and distancing myself from people.  
This all went over the space of 3 and a half years up until now.   
About 6 months ago I found Leo and he has made me realise even more stuff but it’s got me wondering where I am at in my self actualisation stage.  
I know I still have a long way to go and I’m learning new stuff every day.  I still feel like a newbie at times,  but I have already done a lot of inner work already. 
also I have experienced a lot of ego backlash,  especially since listening to Leo.  I can be feeling good for a few days then suddenly feel bad and insecure again.  

 

 

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by intotheblack

[Recursoinominado]

Does it really matter? There are lot of models of spiritual awakenings, it's cool to get some clarification and assurance but, in the end, it will happen what needs to happen and it will take the time it needs to take. This is an endless journey, ultimately, it doesn't matter if you are in the beginning or in an advanced stage.  

I know you want some assurance and Matt Kahn is a great teacher for this, he has a way of calming you down and show you in lots of different ways that IT IS ALL RIGHT, doesn't matter what is happening, you are doing great and evolving in the faster rate you can in the moment. 

In my darkest hours, i felt incredibly lonely, depressed, confused, lost, feeling like i was going literally crazy and all i had was the teachings i found on the internet, all i had was pixels in a screen. In the end, i did all i could do: just keep going, have unshakable faith that it's all part of the infinite intelligence. There is no going back, so, you might as well just go for it and see what is on the other side. 

I just followed my intuition, ignoring all else and i have to say that it was fucking worth it. It took a long time of suffering but right now i feel i just hit that point in the self-development curve that the growth is exponential and i don't even feel like i am "doing" anything, it's like i am just following along what is being presented to me in the moment. 

I am sure you are doing fine, just do the best you can as it is the only thing that God can ask of you, let go of the control, follow your intuition, commit yourself to the path and, for God's sake, LOVE YOURSELF RELENTLESSLY, seriously, we are kind of alone in this journey, it's your job to take care and love yourself as no one else will do it for you. 

[Gnosis]

The term ego backlash is a bastardization of a naturally occurring self-rearising. It just so happens that at lower stages of cognitive development this naturally occurring self-rearising, when it inevitably occurs can be dastardly.

You may come to find one day that, rearising elements of self or identification not to be anything negative at a certain level of development.

Funnily enough, at some stages of development you're practically dysfunctional without a self-rearising occurring. Or in some stages of development, you need its natural occurrence to find motivation.

That said, your description of "a few good days" and suddenly "bad and insecure again" points to something other than what I've been describing.

If I'm not mistaken, your psyche is trying to hold-together and reconcile two seemingly contradictory perspectives. One that you call "awake" and the other you call "in ego". This is a naturally occurring and expected stage of development and integration, and it will come together.

(Note my deliberate use of the word psyche, because you are not necessarily thinking this in your conscious mind. Actually, this could all be happening while in your conscious mind, your perspective is that "Everything is God".)

Development is a deep and non-linear subject. It is this way because development by definition is necessarily relative.

Your story was very enjoyable to read. It must have taken a lot of courage to move to another country on your own.