The Elixir Lake Of Wisdom

[fridjonk]

I don't know what I fear and I'm starting to wonder. I've died on many trips, then came back into the ego. Do I fear the unlimited love? Do I fear never coming back? Who is this "I" that's afraid? 

What I admire about shamans such as Don Juan and others is the cosmic warrior-like mentality. Never cowering under fear, because you've been through it all. I'm sure that's why Salvia peaks my interest to such a degree. Most of my LSD trips have been nice smooth sailing, lots of realizations about reality,love, truth. But when I come back, there is this lack of accomplishment from not having faced fear. Of course, there is no fear in those high states of consciousness when the self has died, but when you're back into the self, it slowly puzzles back together. Of course, I also had my fair share of tough trips. And I feel most satisfied after those trips because it leaves you wondering and puzzling around for some time.

Because when all fear has vanished. There's nothing left but love, totally unlimited infinite love. So I guess I fear the magnitude of god's infinite totally selfless love, for "I" would have to die for that to happen. Yet you've actually only really started to live at that moment of realization. 

[fridjonk]

Today I went with my family to walk Þingvellir, the national park of Iceland. It was so utterly stunning it's beyond me how beautiful nature can be. It felt like a therapeutic session walking around there. Seeing the birdlife, appreciating the flies that were annoying the hell out of my family. ? I saw an Audi-r8 as well and appreciated the beauty of man-made artistic machinery.  

I've finally gotten my spiritual spark again and have been enjoying some videos from various teachers such as Osho, Adyshanti, Spira, Yogananda, Ramana, etc. Instead of watching "brain-dead" content; I can instantly feel the difference in how my mood is and how my ego feels less and less need to be constantly stimulated. getting back on track with contemplation and meditation feels so good after taking a little break from it. I now feel I've come back wiser and with a less belief-based system around this spiritual game. I thought I was belief free back then, but now I see clearly how much of a trap I had gotten myself into. 

I've refrained from using all words and concepts such as god, love, truth, etc, because they all fall short of the real thing, and don't come close to describing it. It's such an intellectual trap and its very clear to me. These things come as a byproduct of you looking internally and ceasing to find a self in which you thought was there; when it was an illusion all along. Yet this is also assuming a process that I've yet to undergo without psychedelics, so silence is perhaps the best representation of what I'm trying to express. 

Today I'm grateful for being alive and healthy. 

[fridjonk]

 

Kratom powder is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my entire life!

I simply can not believe how bad the taste is.

Anyways, time to dissolve. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by fridjonk

[fridjonk]

Time for good ol' LSD trip.

Been a good 3 weeks now since my last LSD trip. It was an awesome one, but lacked effort on my part and ended with little growth. I've been trying to stay more conscious every day and started my meditating again. I've been looking into kundalini yoga as well and will likely experiment with that. Sadhguru has a strict warning off the potency it can provide, so much in fact it can lead to serious problems. But I in my humble arrogance believe I'm ready for it.

Been watching a lot of Sadhguru and Adyshanti the last weeks. From having delved into Sadhguru's mind in the past and now, I get the feeling he exudes a lot more wisdom than many traditional non-dualists or neo advitas. Of course, I'm careful of not projecting any authority to anyone, but his level of body control and knowledge of the body's intelligence I feel far exceeds any other teacher. I believe he also admitted in May that he has really been "pussyfooting" around with how he explains all of what he has to say. If I remember right he's going out of the public spotlight after he releases his new book on death, and will be turning inwards once again. But then again, all of this is just a story of which my imagination entertains. Can't really get too lost in all of this, as it has no relevance to my awakening.

I've been contemplating many things in the last couple of days. Things such as existence being entirely subjective and relative. The subjectivity really amazes me each time I try to reflect on it; how the room I'm sitting in right now is all of existence, totally imagined as a limitation to experience itself...amazing. I've also learned to appreciate just not thinking or contemplating anything at all. Just sitting and being. The mind finds all kinds of sneaky ways to act like it has figured reality out when in fact, it can't be thought, only felt. 

Watching the breath is something I'll be focusing a lot more on now. From meditation to daily activities, monitoring the breath leads to a clear, calm, and silent mind. Like Sadhguru said in regards to leaving the spotlight, he'll also retire the language in his mind and totally erase it. 

 

I'll be dropping the tabs in two hours. I'm going in with a focus on contemplating and figuring out how to evolve into higher consciousness in everyday life. As I'm writing this I also feel that I don't really know what I want out of this trip, other than becoming wiser and more experienced in life. I feel I can't rely on psychedelics too much also, for it is I who needs to transform and no one but I can. I use them as tools, but sometimes I forget that they're only that, tools to assist. We'll see what comes out of this, hopefully, something lovely. 

[fridjonk]

It's all falling back in place, the body is catching up to what this is all about. This dance of love we all go through in life. It becomes more clear each trip I take what life is and how best to navigate it. It's so simple and clear and always was, it was to love more! Love all, Love yourself, Love life, Love gratefulness, Love Love, Thank you for Love!!

 Forgive yourself. I forgive myself for not loving me as I deserved. 

The harder you love out, the stronger it comes back to you, the less baggage you have to carry. 

The body needs its own time and pace, and I respect that. I thought It was all about disidentifying with a body, It's your body's journey which is going through this life, the awareness within is just here to observe the body, and to take care of it. 

Now, what will I do with all this Love?

Share it around of course!

  

Edited July 14, 2020 by fridjonk

[fridjonk]

I'm an avid energy drink consumer. I like to drink the sugar-free monster energy drinks almost daily or every other day. I do it occasionally for some months then I often stop when I believe I've had enough. That time has come now, I really want to get my caffeine tolerance down to 0 and keep it there. I don't like to force myself to stop things until I believe the time has come. It's the same with nofap; sometimes I can stop easily for many months without It being difficult because there is no need for it. Then again I allow it to happen if it wants to. This is what I believe living as a superconductor means.

I'm going to start reading again after many months break. I'm going to re-read "Conversations with god book 1" and continue on with "The book of not knowing" and "Osho's 112 meditations". I enjoyed reading a lot back when I was on my streak but felt it was time to take a break.

In a couple of days, me and my friend will be going on a mountain hike on Mdma, Mushrooms, and I'll be smoking some weed for the first time in many months. I don't really have any need to smoke but according to him, it's incredibly healing with Mdma. I've felt the need for a nature trip for a long time now after tripping inside almost every time for a year. I'll never forget a nature trip we took in a forest outside the city two years ago. It was the most healing experience of my life. I really want to experience the sun also on this trip, as I've always tripped at night, so we'll be waiting for a sunny and hot day and find a beautiful mountain to hike.

I notice how quickly one closes down after a psychedelic experience. This often happens after a trip if I don't immediately keep working on myself and practise loving awareness. I'm making sure to do that now after this recent experience. Watching some Matt Khan, Adyashanti, and Sadhguru keeps me gravitated to be contemplating all sorts of things. Also starting to do some breathing exercises to keep the vibrations high which leads to elevated consciousness, and soon will be starting kundalini yoga as well.

[fridjonk]

Wow, what a  trip that was! Me and my best friend alongside an older childhood friend of mine, which my best friend is very close to, joined us on this magical fairytale. We all took about 190mg of M and went on a hike to find a place to settle. What we found could only be described as pure paradise, the grass, the flowers, the beaming sun, and the clear sky. We then lit up some joints as we came up and started to open up. What an incredible social drug molly is. It felt good to speak completely openly and without even a thought of any judgment. 

I had some moments in the trip where I started to fade into a white void, but the social aspect tended to pull me back into wanting to express some thoughts, or just look at nature. At one point a fighter jet blasted past us which is a very rare sight here in Iceland. There is a NATO military base not far from where we stayed so it was likely the U.S. military or the Canadian military. After seeing that some amazing clouds started to form and what could only be described as pure reflection of today's society. I saw a bunch of militant imagery and political conflicts. This really confirmed to me how intelligent reality is and how connected the oneness truly is.

But this didn't last long as a strong urge to gaze at the sun washed over me. The most fascinating thing was how you could see how life-giving the sun and stars are. It's the creator in a sense for us here on this planet. It also became very clear how I was imagining the sun in that direct moment. As I'm imagining this laptop right now, and the person writing all of this. The last days I've had a hard time reading a text as my eyes are still adjusting from this sun stare, I'll make sure to have sunglasses on next time. 

This was an overall positive experience, but I felt we smoked a little too much. Next time around I'd much rather do it cleanly or with a traditional psychedelic. The weed really kicked this trip into 8th gear, but the comedown was a bit rough from all the smoking, but we're all feeling great now. I'm not a fan of smoking really even though I enjoy the occasional edibles, I feel they are way different than smoking and more psychedelic-like. I really don't have much use for weed of any kind anymore, not even edibles. It's just not on the same level as LSD or Mushrooms. 

No substances are needed for this work. I talk about them a lot, but they're just convenient tools.

What matters is how much love you put out into the world. 

How much do you see yourself in others.

 

 

 

[fridjonk]

Been going through some deep orange purging since my last trip. I grew up orange most of my childhood, or after the age of 8ish. I then transcended into stage green around my teenage years, or 17-20 yeas old. After that, I've been trying to figure out my Yellow and Turquoise now in my early twenties. I believe its a long and drawn-out process to purify each stage. So after this mega heart awakening from my last trip, I've been faced with extreme orange reaction and orange style dreams. It has been a true test of wisdom to navigate this, and I believe I'm managing it to the best of my abilities. Orange I find to be the most tricky to keep healthy aspects of and discard the negatives since almost all 1st world country's life revolves around orange/green. So one gets easily drawn into the world of orange when it tends to be all around you.

I found stage green to be one of the easiest to go through, but I'm still aware of my judgments towards pure green. Lately, I've really been noticing when a judgemental thought arises in my mind. I then proceed to figure out why this judgment came up in the first place. Usually followed up by a feeling of a shadow resentment towards the stage being judged. I really love catching myself in these moments. It's important to be aware enough of your own judgments and catch the ego's mind trickery and devilry. I find green to be one of the easiest to judge and being caught off guard while at it because they tend to be so open. But I've far surpassed judgment of most green, although I do catch myself sometimes.

I was deep into Yellow style of mind last year, a kind of Leo oriented systematic thinking. It doesn't really align with my personality type though so I really have to work at it and it can get tiring after a while. But I liked the mastery aspect of Yellow, and I enjoy the systematic thinking too. Yellow was definitely my shortest stop of all the spiral stages. I found it easy to understand that stage due to my openminded nature. I continue to grow my Yellow and will for the rest of my life, as with the other stages. Open-mindedness seems to be a part of my family since most of my siblings and parents are really openminded. I'd consider my father for example to exhibit a high stage Yellow level thinking.

And so there here we are at Turquoise. I do not really consider any stages beyond this one, even though Ken Wilbers model and others like to claim there are ones beyond this one. I wouldn't call those stages rather than just states which Turquoise experiences through mystical experiences. This one I've been exploring for the past two years as well. This one is by far the hardest to stay in and integrate as there are so many other stages work out. I find the level of my living situation to prevent this mostly. Living alone would be almost essential to integrate this level fully, at least at a fluid rate. It's possible to do it no matter what situation you're in, but it definitely hinders the speed and momentum of it. I've got many existential challenges to face at this level such as fear of death, attachment, the magnitude of infinite love, fear of suffering, etc. These are problems I'll encounter and have been encountering for some time now and they have to be handled.

And so there are the lower stages such as purple, red, and blue. These might be the hardest ones to get in touch with for how repressed they are and set in stone from the earliest age of development. They also hold the most minor problems personally, yet have to be dealt with as well. Sexual cravings hold a lot of power for most people I assume, and so do they for me. I'm in no rush either so I feel I've got those at a fine control for now. 

I haven't focused on this spiral concept for some time now. I feel it's time to maybe get in touch with myself by using this map to re-engineer myself. Neither to judge others, rather than to show compassion and understanding to every being out there. I've kinda been lacking my Yellow for some months now and need to get back on that. 

[fridjonk]

@zeroISinfinity You should try and watch some Matt Khan if you haven't already. I find him so refreshing and different than other teachers. You'll slowly open up the more you watch his stuff. I find as a male it's very important to open up more to feminine teaching styles, so you balance it out with the masculine; Shiva, and Shakti. 

I also find many of us on this same journey are young and don't realize how much of life is left to live before you can even entertain the possibility of awakening. It's a long process, not something you just do in  5 years. And also, of course, putting too much emphasis on substances and not doing proper work, I'm guilty of that myself from time to time.  

[fridjonk]

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Oh pls no Matt Kahn.Will rip my head off if I ever resemble that guy in anything. I mean yeah Love it's all true but c'mon just... 

Quote

hahaha, why do you think you don't like him? It could be shadow elements of the feminine and being raised as a male, being told that men don't act this way. This has been the case for me, since here in Iceland there's still a lot of blue male mentality, especially in the past. After I opened up to Matt's teachings everything feels more full, more enjoyable. When majority of the spiritual teachers out there are masculine and exert that type of teaching more so than the feminine, you risk this work becoming too dry, autistic, and nihilistic. 

2 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

It was more natural with meditation, maybe you can't access more but felt much better.

Yea, the balance between both is really important. Because eventually, one will likely give up psychedelics whether that's in 5 years or 50 years. 

[fridjonk]

When I was journaling here daily couple of months ago, I felt as I were more on top of what I wanted out of life, and it kept my motivation going. I'm in somewhat of a rut I've come to find. When I write daily I'm more able to express my thoughts and my vision is a lot more clear. This is the yellow I'm missing out on. Although I've been very contemplative and meditative, I'm leaning too heavily in that direction.

Problem is. I don't really have a direction to move towards. I've not found my life purpose as of yet other than the purpose of existing and living life. I'd love to have something to work towards and get better at. I've got somewhat of a passion for pure mastery. Creating something and pouring all your love into that project, whether it be to service others, improve others, or something else. I've got many miniature hobbies, but none of which I could see myself working on full time. One of my interests is to observe how humans function and the intelligence of a human's system. I'm interested in how the ego operates and how its created through the false belief of it having been accumulated over a period of time which is totally imaginary and illusory. Yet I'm not enlightened nor do is really wish to teach these things to others, other than showing it through action in life. My passion really is about what reality is. So how does one create work out of that? Maybe I'll start a blog, who knows.

I feel like my ani social characteristic is somewhat holding me back in life from taking action on what I want and need to do. I'm always most comfortable on my own and have a hard time playing this false game of "let's pretend we don't know what's going on here", small talk and such. I don't take myself seriously or anything like that, nor do I only wish to speak of spiritual topics. But this avoidance of truthful conversation really pulls me out of being truthful and compassionate towards myself. One tends to feed off other's energy and can be dragged down if not carefully observed.

I have this idea that I'll somehow stumble upon my life purpose through more tripping and purification of my ego. This could be nonsensical thinking, but with every trip I take, I feel more connected with what I want to do in life. I'm good at marketing and an orange aspect of me really loves this game of setting up a business and playing the "money game" of accumulating wealth. I can manage to do so without rotting away on the inside, and It had been going great until COVID dawned upon us all. I really want to start that process again and play this game of chasing money, but in the healthiest way I can. It always comes back to money in this modern society, doesn't it? 

[fridjonk]

Its as if the room I'm in is totally groundless and floating about in empty space. This room is the only reality perceivable to me, being imagined right now, every moment totally imagined. My awareness witnesses this very creation shaped of consciousness. 

I've never moved anywhere. Literally. Only shapeshifting occurs as I change location in my reality, it's totally relative. As if my awareness was sitting watching a movie and my life was the illusion or the movie played on the tv. So no matter how far into the universe I travel, I actually don't move at all. 

Only shapeshifting occurs.

This present moment is eternal. It looks as if there's time and things are here. But I've been bamboozled, leaned too much towards the side of this all being a something when its neither something nor nothing, it's both. When my mind gains traction of this, its as if gravity vanishes, and it feels like I'm floating in empty space. 

BUT there is a fine line between realizing this in the moment from listening to Leo's video. I've realized this on trips, but trying to regain traction of it is a fine dance between what I believe reality is from past realizations and bringing it into this moment. Leo spoke of the line between something and nothing which is a great contemplative subject. 

There is this deep wonder I've come to find, and it's one of the best tools for contemplating these things. A state of not knowing, but there's always a sense of knowing imprinted into my being from realizing many of these things on trips. Maybe I need to totally drop that, or maybe it's okay to keep it on the side.

So how does love fit into this nothingness? Is love present outside the duality of illusion? Well if duality=non duality and there is no separation to anything because of oneness which makes love everpresent. And perhaps makes it the potential of which duality gets shaped. 

 

Why does my ego cling to this idea of having a past? Is it because I don't totally realize how I'm imagining this present moment from ground up? The magnitude of the imagination is hefty, to say the least. So If I got a scar 5 years ago on my arm, why is it here if it didn't happen? Because I'm imagining the scar right now, but who or what caused it to "have happened". how can it know where to be imagined on the arm? 

Perhaps its the memory this human body is blessed to possess in order to survive. The intelligence of this human system.

Why do teachers such as Ralston don't recognize the intelligence of reality? Maybe because it doesn't help to know it on the journey of realization? Is it irrelevant to me knowing myself? 

[fridjonk]

I've been introducing cold showers slowly back into my life after a long break from doing them.  For a couple of days, I've been doing them more and more, increasing the cold each time. The showers here in Iceland get so unbelievably cold and hot because of the geothermal energy we have. Today was one of the days I almost turned the nozzle fully cold and man do I miss doing this every day. I feel so limitless and full of energy, yet a deep sense of relaxation as well. I'll be continuing taking them and going full coldness, I also like to stay under the cold for at least 10-15 minutes. I don't know if that's healthy or not but I feel better the longer I'm under. 

I'm also on day 5 of no caffeine consumed, and waking up around 6 AM, aiming for a 5 AM routine. To my surprise, I haven't really felt any withdrawals from quitting caffeine. Which is weird, because I've been consuming energy drinks daily for a long time, so around 200mg caffeine daily. Maybe it's because I started waking up earlier at the same time, so my body is so happy being back to its natural sleeping pattern, that it isn't even worried about the caffeine withdrawal. Or maybe it has yet to hit me whilst I'm blindsided. 

 

[fridjonk]

Amazing! This takes real systematic planning and preparation. 

 

[fridjonk]

Time for a trip. 

I'll be taking one potent edible in the 85-100mg range alongside 50mg of Ketamine. 

Last time I mixed Ket and edibles I was pleasantly surprised at how good of a consciousness combo it was. I really got to the depths of reality and had an amazingly dissolvent ego death. I haven't been focusing on "spiritual work" at all the last month or two. Just been enjoying reality for what it is and all the excitements it has to offer, ways to create money and start businesses. I've been listening to a lot of Aubrey Marcus which I find has a nice balance on work-life and spiritual practices. I still haven't really found some one purpose I could see myself doing and mastering. It scattered all across the board with many semi interests. 

So in short, I have no idea what I want out of this trip. I'll set no intentions and just see where the stream takes me.

[fridjonk]

Been a while since I last posted in this journal. The reason is I haven't really been working on myself in the awakening/spiritual aspects all that much. Most of my focus lately has been on building disciplines around my life such as noted in the other journal I've been posting in. I've really enjoyed doing those things, but with that discipline, there came a certain comfort zone around spiritual work. I've noticed how much I've fed into the ego by fixing up those things which ain't necessarily bad, but I just notice how less fulfilled and happy I am. Awakings always come with an ego backlash no matter what, I'd classify this as such. Now I feel I'm ready to dive into meditation, self-inquiry, and contemplation again.

My reading habits have fallen into the toilet since April when I went to the lambing season on our farm. I've been trying to start it again with no progress complete. I'm pretty sure I know the reason as to why it's not going so well. First off it started with a trip that was so deep that I felt no need to read because I realized the present moment was all there is to realize. Yet there is so much to learn from them that it was a big mistake to be so lopsided into one direction on the matter. Another reason is; I've lost all my patience and stillness. I constantly have to be on the move, watching something of stimulation such as youtube, or clicking away on the internet, this came as a result of quitting meditation. I can barely watch a 10 minute Osho video because it's not stimulating enough. With meditation and contemplation, this issue would be resolved rather quickly. 

One thing I don't want to do and I've made this mistake in the past, which is jumpstarting the spiritual journey with a psychedelic trip. When I've done that in the past I've noticed how quickly I fall into old ego patterns and habits after it. I really need to build a habit and spiritual discipline before going into a trip, so I've got some foundation to lean on after it, to prevent massive backlash. But once I've built a decent meditation, contemplation, and self-inquiry habits, I will definitely be taking an LSD trip or a Mushroom trip. There's nothing quite like a psychedelic trip, the magic, the mysticism, the truth, the love it brings is the most fascinating this I've come across on this earth. But one can not lean too much on them as with anything. 

The books I'll be reading today will likely be The teachings of Don Juan, and maybe The book of not knowing. I'm about halfway through Don and about 1/3 through Ralston. I'm also going to be tuning into some Aubrey Marcus, he's one of my favorites because he has a nice balance of how he goes through life with spirituality and purpose. I'm also gonna be watching some of Leo's videos again, starting with "The many facets of awakening", That will be my second time viewing that one. I've seen most of Leo's videos about 1-4 times some even more, but it's like you never run out of things to learn with these long ass videos. 

Peace.

Edited October 10, 2020 by fridjonk

[fridjonk]

 

 

"Cattle are the most gentle creatures"

[fridjonk]

Been gently easing back into contemplation and more mindful present thinking. Not yet started meditating, but will eventually do so in the mornings after my runs, possibly starting tomorrow. Also been switching the content I've been consuming to more deep videos and podcasts. This week I've enjoyed some of Leo's videos and Aubrey Marcus's podcast. Will be getting into some Matt Kahn soon enough to open up a little bit more to feeling. And then maybe some Rupert Spira for self-inquiry.

I like easing into watching content such as this to prime up my mind for the "work" that lies ahead, even though I won't have any definitive structure to it. I like the not trying aspect of meditation, I find I can let go quite well with enough hours on the cushion. I've also yet to read the Osho 1300 page behemoth of a book, which entails 112 forms of meditative practices that I want to try. 

I just finished reading Nahm's "the path" in which he describes what he went through to get where he is now. It was really inspiring and motivated me a lot to actually get back on the horse. 

I'm also looking forward to my next psychedelic trip since it's been quite a while. I'm a little nervous even to go back in, but I'm sure it will be amazing. I won't rush into it tho, It may be 1-3 months until I decide to trip next, but one never knows, spontaneous trips occur all the time.  

[fridjonk]

We voluntarily act as devils because god's love is too much for an ego to handle and accept. It confuses it, because how could there be such powerful and forgiving love? How can something be so perfect to accept everything as its most profound creation? How can something be so selfless that it cares for the most minuscule creation equally as its largest most intelligent creation? It's all equally intelligent because IT IS ITSELF. It's IT. 

Selflessness and love so pure it's the only thing that allows reality to exist as it is, infinitely perfect and infinitely forgiving.

In the end, it will all be okay.

Edited October 15, 2020 by fridjonk

[fridjonk]

The mind does not like stillness, it's the mind's enemy. This mind likes stimulation, this mind likes avoidance, this mind thinks it knows when only the heart could ever know; know so much that you know nothing. Stillness has no beginning and no end, it's endless, boundless, infinite presence.

This mind likes limitation, it fears unlimited love, it fears accepting reality as infinite perfection. This mind can be dissolved by gratefulness of existence, thank you for being you, thank you for the love you share so selflessly. Perfection beyond perfection, too good to be true, yet it's the ultimate truth and more good than good can ever get.

Being spoken to by the absolute all the time, all around us, if we look carefully enough we just might find truth right in front of our eyes, ever-present, all-encompassed love. And if anyone reads this text, you wrote this to yourself, while creating it right now as you read it.

Don't forget to feel.

     ?

Edited October 24, 2020 by fridjonk