Facing insanity and lack of ground to reality whatsoever

[Javfly33]

Hi there, so, I took a recreational subtance with psychedelic properties about 2 hours ago, I wasn´t looking to have any kind of "spiritual" experience right now 

My psychedelic experience is very limited so when I do substances that has this kind of properties I am careful with the dose, the following caught me absolutely by surprise:

So, the thing is, for some reason I stopped having thoughs at all, and next thing I know, I am perceiving a body breathing to save itself of non-existence. I literally had no fucking ground of reality to ground myself to. I started thinking about this Forum / Leo and I realized I couldn´t ground myself to it either. Just nothing made sense, total annihilation of any kind reality. Incredible fear and absolute terror of what was happening (literally each second was being "created" so I couldn´t ground myself in ANYTHING). 

Nothing nothing comparable to anything i´ve experienced in other spiritual practice (or sober insight). Not because this was "better", but because this was of a level of intensity that I didn´t know it was possible.

Is this ego-death withouth the death? In some sense I´m still terrified that this is possible at the other hand I´m in awe in how this is possible.

I mean, if i had let go could have been actually a blissful experience?

I think if I had let go I could have learned something. In the present moment at the end of the peak "insanity", it looks like in the present moment there wasn´t that existencial fear and everything was Ok.

It makes me think what I experienced is ego struggling.

I am humble and I´m terrified but at the same time I don´t feel bad thought, I wouldn´t call it a "bad experience". Just the most intense moment of my life.

Well, thanks for reading. I´m completely speechless right now  . Also, I love you all 

[Forestluv]

It sounds like you went a lot deeper than you previously have. I wouldn't try to contextualize it too much or try to make sense of out through thinking. For me, trying to make sense of it and figure it out can be counter-productive. I find it better to relax the mind and do things like yoga or walk in nature. Insights will arise in their own. Often insights related to the trip. 

I wouldn’t pursue the line of thinking “If I had only let go, maybe it would have been a blissful experience”. That is my mind trying to steer the experience. “Maybe if I let go, a blissful state will arise”. I can only steer at experiences at lower doses. Higher up, I lose all control. Could be blissful, could be madness. Who knows?  

[Gili Trawangan]

Welcome to Infinity.

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Serotoninluv said:

It sounds like you went a lot deeper than you previously have. I wouldn't try to contextualize it too much or try to make sense of out through thinking. For me, trying to make sense of it and figure it out can be counter-productive. I find it better to relax the mind and do things like yoga or walk in nature. Insights will arise in their own. Often insights related to the trip. 

I wouldn’t pursue the line of thinking “If I had only let go, maybe it would have been a blissful experience”. That is my mind trying to steer the experience. “Maybe if I let go, a blissful state will arise”. I can only steer at experiences at lower doses. Higher up, I lose all control. Could be blissful, could be madness. Who knows?  

@Serotoninluv Yes, very wise. Of course I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I just asked because still at the point of writing this post I was still not grounded / integrating . Now I'm better and  I was just reading on YouTube a girl talking about what is ego-death and she says: (I'm paraphrasing) "ego death is for example you don't know what your parents are". 

This makes sense to me in what I experienced  it makes me feel more grounded now, because when it happened I was thinking about stuff of my life and I was being totally unable to "ground" myself in any way to what I think my life was or I Knew about it .

But yeah, you are very right that trying to contextualize would be a mistake. I think that the "trying to explain/think" that I was doing during the experience was actually what caused such suffering because I couldn't explain reality in that moment and I should have "stop contextualizing" and just be However It was too radical to me that brutal shift and I couldn't handle ,next time I'll be a little more prepared I guess.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Javfly33

[Leo Gura]

@Javfly33 You were told reality is Nothing. Did you think we were just kidding?

[Javfly33]

17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Javfly33 You were told reality is Nothing. Did you think we were just kidding?

@Leo Gura Yes, only at the end of the experience I started to consider if "those guys" (referring myself to you guys the Forum) were actually not bullshitting and this "stuff" might be more real than I thought it was.

Or course, during the experience I remember during the panic attack having thoughts of go into the forum and actually asking about what was happening to me because I was so scared, but at the same time I couldn't because I would instantly realize that it would be nonsense because I was creating that idea (the idea of the forum Actualized.org actually existing) in that very second!

I can't believe each crazy thing you said in your blog videos post-awakenings insights you were actually been LITERAL and not using metaphors. 

 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Javfly33

[Galyna]

@Javfly33 Could you elaborate on the reality perception? Like, did you see the objects around you, furniture, walls, sofa, bed? I was thinking about it today. Do you mind sharing? 

[Forestluv]

@Javfly33 Sounds like you got a good look. There’s lots more. ?☺️

[Javfly33]

4 minutes ago, Galyna said:

@Javfly33 Could you elaborate on the reality perception? Like, did you see the objects around you, furniture, walls, sofa, bed? I was thinking about it today. Do you mind sharing? 

 I was with the lights switch off, so I didn't see too much. 

Reality perception was the same, there wasn't any visual distortions or anything similar like that . I just find myself in a reality where all beliefs and ideas of the reality were destroyed, so I just find myself with a pure canvas of reality. Each second, an imagination of consciousness, that imagination creates the "reality". Compare that to the model we all have of reality of something "grounded". Ashtonising annihilation, an annihilation that I couldnt think it was possible. I'm still surprised my brain actually was able to grasp it without imploding in itself of the intensity and radicalness of this realization, but it helped to not lose my shit too much just focusing on the breathing and "forcing myself" to let go (even if it's a contradiction lol). 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Javfly33 Do you have float tanks near you?

Also, how well connected are you with your emotions? Would you say you spend a lot of time in your head, and not feeling emotions deeply?

[Galyna]

34 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

 I was with the lights switch off, so I didn't see too much. 

This is so scary. I would never do it. I would be scared to see something in the dark and be killed by it when tripping. (LOL, this is my fear) it came from my childhood. I am scared of the dark, I hate to sleep in the dark place with lights off if I am by myself. I know it sounds crazy, I can not control it. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Galyna

[Javfly33]

4 hours ago, Galyna said:

This is so scary. I would never do it. I would be scared to see something in the dark and be killed by it when tripping. (LOL, this is my fear) it came from my childhood. I am scared of the dark, I hate to sleep in the dark place with lights off if I am by myself. I know it sounds crazy, I can not control it. 

@Galyna Interesting that you have that fear, I was going to contextualize but I didn't, but indeed before the experience I closed my eyes in total darkness and put on some music in total darkness. 

Very fast the music with the darkness and my physical sensations merged into a very mild hallucination that somebody was struggling me (in fact I knew the the "struggling"it was just the sensation cable of the headsets around my neck, combined with the slight auditory effects of the music).

Well what I want to say with that is that I also have that fear of darkness!! When I'm in my room sometimes I put on the lights a certain way to feel more "safe" and when j go to sleep sometimes I like you.

Well in this moment yesterday I absolutely had to let go (accept being strangled by an entity in my room) (again, it was a mild hallucination, not very intense, but still) so with that letting go of that sensation/hallucination it just keep going more more profound until I don't know what happened but I surrender myself to apparently the present moment and that started to "kill" my sense of identity? 

As I said it didn't kill me completely at all, I struggled to make sense what was happening but the thing before happening to me this experience it's that I thoufhy ego-death implied losing your sense of identity, but I didn't think that implied losing your sense of reality ALSO.

This took me totally by surprised, that I was literally giving a meaning to my life, and that the reality was everything was being imagined each second by myself. The only thing that existence was existence but... without the meaning. Without ANY meaning. 

[Preetom]

5 hours ago, Galyna said:

@Javfly33 Could you elaborate on the reality perception? Like, did you see the objects around you, furniture, walls, sofa, bed? I was thinking about it today. Do you mind sharing? 

There are no such 'things' called furniture,walls,sofa,bed until you conceptualize them and double down on them by believing it all to be TRUE. And of course there is the simultaneous self-deception with the sneaky backward rationalization that you DID NOT conceptualize them but the furnitures are actual, independently existing physical stuff.

You want proof?

Where are the furnitures when you are fast asleep or not looking towards them? Aren't they still surrounding you? Or are they really 'there'? ?

 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Preetom

[Galyna]

@Preetom No need to proof. I am into this topic for a long time. I believe you. I thought would be cool to hear about perception part while tripping. I mean if it is not all real, where will I be existing to register it? See what I mean? I do not know how to explain. I still see it as some "space" where everything occurs, LOL 

 

[Galyna]

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

As I said it didn't kill me completely at all, I struggled to make sense what was happening but the thing before happening to me this experience it's that I thoufhy ego-death implied losing your sense of identity, but I didn't think that implied losing your sense of reality ALSO.

This is so interesting.  I want this pill, LOL. I am so tired to inquire about it, I need to try it myself. I am looking forward to it. 

Thank you for sharing. 

[Nahm]

@Galyna This sounds admittedly so incredibly simple but try it, let me know. I was working with someone who had a fear of the dark, which they traced back to younger than they could remember not having it. For five minutes each evening, they just sat in a chair in their bedroom, at the light switch, with the curtains closed. They would turn off the light, and then breathe slowly & deeply and repeat, “I am The Light”...with spirited conviction, wether they ‘felt it’ or not. Then turn the light back on, and notice - everything is exactly the same. (Then repeat as needed) They said the first time they did this, they indeed did feel it. They experienced an incredible amount of relief & a pinch of hilarity in the hindsight vantage point. Just thought I’d mention it. ??

[Javfly33]

25 minutes ago, Galyna said:

This is so interesting.  I want this pill, LOL. I am so tired to inquire about it, I need to try it myself. I am looking forward to it. 

Thank you for sharing. 

Be prepared to be ashtonished by Awe. Be literally prepared to your sense of reality to totally fade away 

Try to imagine that it will not.be a metaphor, the lack of existing reality will be as real as how real feels now that physical reality (your parents, this forum, etc) exists .

[Javfly33]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Galyna This sounds admittedly so incredibly simple but try it, let me know. I was working with someone who had a fear of the dark, which they traced back to younger than they could remember not having it. For five minutes each evening, they just sat in a chair in their bedroom, at the light switch, with the curtains closed. They would turn off the light, and then breathe slowly & deeply and repeat, “I am The Light”...with spirited conviction, wether they ‘felt it’ or not. Then turn the light back on, and notice - everything is exactly the same. (Then repeat as needed) They said the first time they did this, they indeed did feel it. They experienced an incredible amount of relief & a pinch of hilarity in the hindsight vantage point. Just thought I’d mention it. ??

@Nahm I'll try this and let you know too. Here in my country is not nightime yet but I imagine today I will still have my darkness fear, independently of what I experienced last night. 

Just a weird question in form of intuition...so my fears are actually one of the reason that it's stopping me to be washed away with love and truth?

It's the only thing that makes sense of why happened yesterday since I didn't took a high dose at all of the substance. Also, probably your universal consciousness probably have "transmitted" to mine during this last days that I have opened to you guys (well, this is just pure theorizing haha, but maybe ...)

[Nahm]

18 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Just a weird question in form of intuition...so my fears are actually one of the reason that it's stopping me to be washed away with love and truth?

It is love & truth which creates and is aware of ....”reasons”...and fills in a blank (as no reasons exist)....with “fear”. Thinking is so sneaky, there can then surface, a thought of fearing ‘no reasons’. One into twoness is just a “sneaky” gig. There’s no getting around the fear, and you’re doing really great imo. Essentially....you’re making fear up, but don’t take that personally, who could blame you?   Scrutinizing & inspecting our “stories” - without feeling into them, is a skill which develops.

18 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

It's the only thing that makes sense of why happened yesterday since I didn't took a high dose at all of the substance. Also, probably your universal consciousness probably have "transmitted" to mine during this last days that I have opened to you guys (well, this is just pure theorizing haha, but maybe ...)

Experience this as you may, but yes, and I took a few minutes for some “long distance Reiki” on your behalf. It was very, very, very delightful. ♥️ You really are amazing. 

[Aaron p]

Oh my God I am terrified of losing my mind sometimes. It's really scary, nothing making sense....everything is everything and everything feels so weird.

I'm gonna be doing a dose of DMT tonight after an hour of my self enquiry and yoga. I wish I could retain the sense of awe I experience each time. I'm actually going through a phase of extreme confusion right now and it's hard to meditate so it's going extremely well. Leo says these are good signs lol. ✌?