What Kind of Mindset for First Dates?

[Space]

Hi all,

I'm (m27) looking for some advice on first dates (with a girl). I'm fairly inexperienced with this sort of thing so that's why i'm asking. 

My question is: What kind of mindset should I have going into first dates? How should I be 'framing it'? What should my intentions be? Bare in mind i'm actively looking for a long term relationship and not some random hookups.

Any thoughts?

[Gili Trawangan]

Strong eye contact. Relaxed body language, you're a rock. Leave her wondering about you, be ambiguous, mysterious. Touch her lightly every now and then but not too much. Make the conversation light and humorous. She needs to want to come back for more. Good luck. 

[Forestluv]

For someone oriented toward and depth and long term, a few suggestions:

With this mindset, it’s easy to get into a job interview vibe, which generally isn’t good. Questions like “Do you want kids? How many? Why did you get divorced? Would I get along with her family?”. That vibe can kill an easy going atmosphere of that allows actually enjoying your time together. You will know if you get along and have long term potential compatibility without interrogating each other.

If she straight up asks a question like “Do you want kids?”, I would answer the question, yet would avoid going into an interrogation / interview - things shouldn’t get too serious on a first date.

With a long term mindset, on a first date I would get a sense of how we get along. Do we communicate well? We might talk about common interests and experiences. If she is going on and on about an ex-boyfriend that did he wrong, that’s not good. If she is complaining a lot about her boss at work and family members, not good. I get a much better feel when we are talking about things like our shared travels and movies we like. If things are going well and I’m interested, I may expand the field. We may be talking about music and she says she loves live jazz music. I may reply “omigosh, I do too. I saw an awesome show at the cafe last we, we should to a show sometime”. If she responds positively, a new door opens.

I would also get a feel for chemistry. There is a certain type of chemistry that is either there or not from the get go. I would be aware of that. Whatevever the flow is. The conversation may get a bit intellectual, which is fine. Yet also like a bit of playfulness and silliness - in the right context. Are we joking and laughing with each other? Are we flirting? Is there an underlying sexual energy? Or does it feel like I’m with a sister or co-worker. One thing that can be good is to have an option of doing something that is not conversation heavy. For example, we may start out with conversation in a cafe. If things are going well, continue on to a fun activity. One gal and I were hitting it off and decided to go to an 80s arcade. It’s not something I would normally do, yet we seemed to be playful. And we had so much fun in the arcade.  Dry little conversation - lots of energy flow. Smiles, laughter, flirting, light touching etc. Yet it’s dependent on your chemistry. My last date had a different feel and an arcade didn’t fit. We continued the date in an art gallery, which was also awesome. Even here, there was space for flirting to see if we had chemistry. Some of the artwork had sexual context which helped to reveal some of our sexual chemistry. Yet the vibe and context is super important. A comment with a sexual innuendo can ignite some chemistry in one context and the exact same comment can come across as creepy and offensive in another context.

[Ero]

@Space Try not "to frame it". Go in openly without expectations. You can not do a lot differently than what you are able to. And that changes with experience, so be ready to make a lot of blunders. In the end - try to have some fun 

[Space]

@Gili Trawangan @Ero @Serotoninluv Thanks for the comments guys! Much appreciated.

[TheSomeBody]

have fun ,respect and go with your instincts

[Chew211]

On 2/2/2020 at 6:57 AM, TheSomeBody said:

have fun ,respect and go with your instincts

This^^^

It's a short answer, but it is true. The point of dates is to have fun and hook up. 

Whether that person ends up being a long term partner depends on how the relationship progresses after sex.

[Deezeetho]

Inject You into the equation. Behave as you normally would. I date a lot. Its good practice but, its never the super bowl. There's more girls. I know I'll meet more so, I don't lose sleep. I don't walk on egg shells. I am outspoken, opinionated, and abrupt. Conventional wisdom suggest to avoid topics like religion, politics, and anything too serious. I couldn't disagree more. If we don't click, if we have extremely contrasting world views, it won't workout beyond a short term fling. I rather kick it off ASAP then prolong the inevitable. Good luck. Update date night. 

[Preety_India]

 

Don't start with interrogations. 

Be open and frank about your interests and intentions. 

Don't act needy . 

Never show emotions on your face. Women read a man's face very quickly. 

Don't ignore her gestures and expressions. 

Give her max attention.

Avoid controversial or boring topics. 

 

Laugh a lot. 

 

Get used to the mannerisms. Practice beforehand in your mind. 

 

Do not touch inappropriately. 

Be a gentleman

 

Apologize frequently if you did something wrong 

Be dominating but gentle. Women love the dominant male side. 

 

Don't start any sexual talk before she does or unless she does. 

 

Don't be anxious or uncomfortable. Perfect calm. Confident 

Don't be intrusive while getting to know her. 

 

Listen carefully. 

 

Don't be abrupt 

Flirt a little. 

Eye contact

Obviously don't look at other women. 

 

Don't be offended if she laughs. Laugh with her. 

 

Don't ask questions. Even if you do they should be casual and ask while you laugh. 

Women can be chatty but usually not on the first date. So you take the lead. You be the conversation starter, be the ice breaker,don't wait for her. Even if it means every time.

Don't get too curious

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Preety_India

[Spiral]

I depends, but lets for convenience sake, I'll imagine you haven't hung out with the person much.

I always to try to have fun on first dates. After all the first date is about discovering if you actually like spending time with them while "just" chatting. I don't really have any expectations nor will I ask any hard questions. It's more about getting the vibe of the person.  

I've also been getting into gratitude-related habits so perhaps, being grateful that you get to go on dates and meet girls this way, not everyone gets these opportunities.

And unlike what "certain" other people say show emotion and let go of your inhibitions. If they don't like the true you, it won't work out in the end anyway.

[weareacouple]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

I depends, but lets for convenience sake, I'll imagine you haven't hung out with the person much.

I always to try to have fun on first dates. After all the first date is about discovering if you actually like spending time with them while "just" chatting. I don't really have any expectations nor will I ask any hard questions. It's more about getting the vibe of the person.  

I've also been getting into gratitude-related habits so perhaps, being grateful that you get to go on dates and meet girls this way, not everyone gets these opportunities.

And unlike what "certain" other people say show emotion and let go of your inhibitions. If they don't like the true you, it won't work out in the end anyway.

I would second thid thought.

[PlayOnWords]

16 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Apologize frequently if you did something wrong 

Lol

[Deezeetho]

8 hours ago, PlayOnWords said:

Lol

I chuckled too. I don't ever remember hooking up with a girl who I had apologized to. Apologizing is anti-seduction. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Deezeetho said:

I chuckled too. I don't ever remember hooking up with a girl who I had apologized to. Apologizing is anti-seduction. 

Stop trying to target my comments on the forum. You're trying to single me out and I can clearly see that. 

If you have an opinion leave it, rather than reacting to mine and trying to create a spectacle. 

Ridiculing other people is not a great idea. 

 

[PlayOnWords]

@Deezeetho it has its place. But you're right, it does have an anti-seduction feel to it. It's more of a relationship thing, when the woman is using her power over your fuck up. If you wanna get back to normality with little drama, just fucking apologise. But on a first date? Total AFC move, imo. 

[Hardik]

@Space

Hey dude!

Don't Do overthinking Just Go And be a Normal.Stay like She can feel your Vibes.

Do not Pretend Anything that you're "NOT"

Express Every emotion that you're Felt For Her!

 

[Danioover9000]

   Lol, I can relate to the feeling.

   My first date started at a café. Was a Bulgarian style cafe. As I came in I see lots of color, decor, two double Windows on main red door, six potted plants on top, and a leafy long grass plant on right side. There's a guy with a light bluish Long sleeves on right, sitting on a dark brown chair at red table on his MacBook. On my left a disheveled light bearded man, a geek, at a light brown table, his black jacket hangs on his chair with his black backpack on his right side and he's using a small desktop computer.

   I saw five more tables that're yellow, cream, dark reds and light browns with chairs that're varied in size and color, like the café is diversified! In front of me, after the yellow table I saw a brunette at a light brown table in a pink long sleeve, dark blue jeans, pinkish skin, chubbish, doodling on her iPad with her unpainted nails. There was also a staircase, which was after the yellow wall that had about six b/w paintings of musicians, which was after the long grass plant. I've been up there before so I know how much lighting the area has and how much more uniform the chairs and table were. It had fancy lamps that give off a dim Orange light, which would be perfect for night outs.

   I decided to sit at the yellow table, on a black chair, Because the lighting was brighter, the rays next to the table give me a clear view of date. It was a sunny clear day. Two tables behind me I saw a dodgy looking man , with a black cape with a dark grey jacket, facing towards the red wall which has four small paintings of landscapes that's grass and forest, away from me.

   So I'm sitting there, having a large mocha, tapping my feet lightly on the dark wooden flooring, when I hear the little bells on the red doors ring. I see my date arrive. She's blonde, has tan skin, and wears light make up and is dressed lightly, with a floral dress past her knees, and a bluish light jacket. So I greet her while she walks, her high heels clicking on the wood, and she helps herself to the brown chair, scraping the legs as she sits.

  I had to re position myself and leaned back onto my chair, while I see She's up right and slightly forward. I felt insecure and a bit tense around my body, I was getting a bit of a boner and my abdomen is a bit tense, reminding me of some experiences with some boys and a few girls that bullied me in the past, and on fewer occasions became violent.

  Her voice was smoother and her flow of the conversation nicer than mine, I was juggling between keeping myself calm and maintaining my tonality and part of the conversation easy going, and my voice ended up being more monotone and flattish at times. While we were talking, we shifted our positions a bit, from leaning to forward, listening intently on interesting parts of our stories, and she'd be sipping her cappuccino.

   At the end, she left first and I remained sitting there, re ordered a mocha, and stayed for 2 more hours there, thinking about what a colossal failure of a date this is. To this day, my first date and I still remained friends.

   I then still continue dating, changed locations from time to time, and did about 50 dates in total. I did other methods like PUA stuff, and other dating stuff, until I stopped avoiding to do the one other method I wasn't keen on doing: magic spells, cuz, well, hippy new age woo woo wishful mistletoe thinking crap. Before I invested heavily on it, I decided to do some browsing around an oil spell shop, and there I met my now witch girlfriend. The end of my dating!

   Don't forget what Leo said " People's opinions of you are irrelevant", which does mean that other people's opinions on anything is irrelevant. Learning and practice while in your direct experience and visualizations is what got me to burn through 98% of people's bullshit, including my own, while verified the other 2%. that 98% consists of opinions about fucking the girl's brains out, one night stands, moving on to the next number, over enforcing your boundaries, being super polite, under enforcing your boundaries, letting the girl dictate your schedule and time, all irrelevant!

   So, good luck with your dating journey! Remember, this is all an echo chamber of opinions hanging about in space, like in the night sky, when you see the stars, some of those lights are stilll traveling, but those stars are dead long ago.