What To Do After Having A Thresome?

[carlo]

I've always been insecure and had low self-esteem becuase I am ugly, I feel that the only person who loved me as I am is my girlfriend, know her since childhood and is the only woman that wants to be with me, I think that when you do not love yourself and receive love from someone else, emotional dependency is created.

in spite of this all our relationship was in place, you could say it was a healthy relationship.

but the last year, my girlfriend told me that want to have a thresome (with my emotional dependence and fear that this person is with someone else, it was hell), but I just got upset and I said that it was not love,  until today I can not forget that, could not bear the idea that my girlfriend would not mind seeing me with someone else just to have more pleasure. I still think that doing that is only pleasure and has nothing to do with love.

after a while she apologized to me and told me she did not know what she was thinking, and that she just did not think well and never wanted to have a threesome.

I never believed her, and continue the relationship even though I could not trust her, but I kept my feelings.

once Leo replied me in a comment that what was wrong was that I did not want to have the thresome , so I told my girlfriend that I want to have the thresome and she told me that of course, but with another woman, and I I said that with her ex. I really hoped the answer was no, but  my suspicions were always true. besides the ex has a girlfriend and my girlfriend did not care, she told her to finish that relationship so we could have the thresome.

I always had the image of my girlfriend like an angel before all this, and that's what I fall for her. but I sometimes think the problem is in me, I should not end the relationship only because I think that having a threesome is not love, but then I think that's not what I want for my life, and that's not love, but then I think back and say that these are limiting thoughts, and I'm really in a situation of not knowing what to do.

I was thinking of finish her because the pressure is too much, but not if it is something that I can regret.

 

after all , I'm still telling the charade that I want the thresome , and supposedly we will have it in a week. I am scary ofo see her playing with someone else and that she does not care if I kiss her ex or not.

is that all this drama is partly caused by my emotional dependency and low self-esteem, but I think deep down that if a person loves me, she not want to see me in bed with someone else. but according to these forums and Leo , having a threesome is an opportunity to reaffirm my manhood , it's like I have to be a man and have the thresome , but that just makes me doubt my manhood , I am just desperate with all this situation .

I need a mature advice please, I have 19 years, it is my first serious girlfriend and took 1 year and 6 months.
 

[charlie2dogs]

30 minutes ago, carlo said:

I've always been insecure and had low self-esteem becuase I am ugly, I feel that the only person who loved me as I am is my girlfriend, know her since childhood and is the only woman that wants to be with me, I think that when you do not love yourself and receive love from someone else, emotional dependency is created.

in spite of this all our relationship was in place, you could say it was a healthy relationship.

but the last year, my girlfriend told me that want to have a thresome (with my emotional dependence and fear that this person is with someone else, it was hell), but I just got upset and I said that it was not love,  until today I can not forget that, could not bear the idea that my girlfriend would not mind seeing me with someone else just to have more pleasure. I still think that doing that is only pleasure and has nothing to do with love.

after a while she apologized to me and told me she did not know what she was thinking, and that she just did not think well and never wanted to have a threesome.

I never believed her, and continue the relationship even though I could not trust her, but I kept my feelings.

once Leo replied me in a comment that what was wrong was that I did not want to have the thresome , so I told my girlfriend that I want to have the thresome and she told me that of course, but with another woman, and I I said that with her ex. I really hoped the answer was no, but  my suspicions were always true. besides the ex has a girlfriend and my girlfriend did not care, she told her to finish that relationship so we could have the thresome.

I always had the image of my girlfriend like an angel before all this, and that's what I fall for her. but I sometimes think the problem is in me, I should not end the relationship only because I think that having a threesome is not love, but then I think that's not what I want for my life, and that's not love, but then I think back and say that these are limiting thoughts, and I'm really in a situation of not knowing what to do.

I was thinking of finish her because the pressure is too much, but not if it is something that I can regret.

 

after all , I'm still telling the charade that I want the thresome , and supposedly we will have it in a week. I am scary ofo see her playing with someone else and that she does not care if I kiss her ex or not.

is that all this drama is partly caused by my emotional dependency and low self-esteem, but I think deep down that if a person loves me, she not want to see me in bed with someone else. but according to these forums and Leo , having a threesome is an opportunity to reaffirm my manhood , it's like I have to be a man and have the thresome , but that just makes me doubt my manhood , I am just desperate with all this situation .

I need a mature advice please, I have 19 years, it is my first serious girlfriend and took 1 year and 6 months.
 

carlo frankly i think you both are messed up, if this threesome business is what is important to both of you.

[Man in the Mirror]

4 hours ago, carlo said:

having a threesome is an opportunity to reaffirm my manhood , it's like I have to be a man and have the thresome

having a threesome does not make you a man. especially in the circumstances you're describing.

[carlo]

@charlie2dogs @Man in the Mirror

but then... which is the decision with real real growth here?

[Natasha]

@carlo You are not ugly, you are perfect just the way you are. By whose standards are you judging yourself as such? Labeling and judging are all 'monkey mind' games. No truth in that at all. 

You are a kind individual who is being pushed around and taken advantage of. You deserve someone who will value and appreciate you and who wants to keep your intimate connection sacred. You're still young, take the time to grow, strengthen, and build yourself up first and then you'll be able to attract same kind of girl. Why settle?

 

 

[CA19]

You do realize that she doesn't really want a threesome,right?It's just a test

[pixelwave]

@carlo I think what Leo means is in a whole different circumstance. I personally think she is trying to see how you react. Maybe you don't have to bother so much about it... I personally think that one way or another you have to stop thinking that she's the only one and that your ugly. Because one way or another she feels that. And if the relationship ends, it's not the end of the world you know... Remember a girl can never be your life purpose...

Focus on your self esteem, I recommend reading self help books, it helped me change my mindset a lot!

[reez]

@carlo Leo told you that the problem was that you didn't want the threesome, that doesn't mean you should just blindly accept what he said and tell your girlfriend you wanna have a threesome, when you in reality don't want a threesome. Instead try and fix that barrier that makes you NOT wanna have a threesome in order to satisfy your girlfriend. I am not saying she will Only be satisfied by a threesome, but if she told you she wanted a threesome You should WANT to make that happen.

Manliness is not defined by having sex with as many women as possible or by having a threesome.

Manliness is defined by your actions and thoughts, please read "The Way of The Superior Man" by David Deida. Once you have read that, and gotten a clear look on what manliness is and what the mans misson is in a relationship. I want to ask you to read "Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden.

[Heart of Space]

Threesomes are overrated as fuck.  Have had quite a few at this point.  Girl, girl, me, and guy, me, girl. 

The girl, girl ones were ok, but really all I wanted to do was fuck the newer girl solo, because of novelty factor.  But, you can't really just do that because you will make the other girl jealous most of the time.  So, if you're a nice and polite person like me you worry about stuff like that which takes your mind off the pleasure. 

The guy, girl, guy ones were annoying.  Most of the time, me and the girl just wait till the other male (her husband) gets too drunk and we bang by ourselves and it's waaaaaaaaay more enjoyable.  I know this seems scummy, but he doesn't care at all, he actually likes that his wife is desired and banged by other males. 

Anyways, all they are is pretty much bragging rights.  Which is fun for all about five minutes when you realize you're just being a shallow twat. 

[Nathalie]

@carlo

I would never do something I can't at least accept.. Why do you considere to do it?

You are taking the risk to lose the rest of self esteem you have. It kind of hurts me even if I only know you from this side..

Please don't get me wrong, I haven't any judgments about a threesome.. I just think if people do it, each one has to want it, it's like every sexual experience.. If not, minimum one is being abused.. And yes I think it's possible that a man (call it being a "real" man if you want to) can be abused.

This is never ok.

If you ask me I see two possiblities:

- you can look very deeply if you can accept and enjoy it, so you can do it

or

- tell your girl friend that you won't and explain why.. Try to let your moral objections a side (if one loves me she should bla bla bla) and just say exactly what you feel. No matter what happens afterward, I'm quite sure you feel better if you stay in tune with yourself

Take care please

[Mal]

@Natasha

Beautiful insight Natasha..thanks for your presence 

[Kimasxi]

Quote

You are taking the risk to lose the rest of self esteem you have.

Avoiding it because of that fear: this is completely anti-actualization!

A sheet of paper
talk to your girlfriend
and fill out two columns : what does it mean to me/about me vs what does it mean to her/about her (she fills out the other column)
then you discuss why in her opinion what you wrote is not right, how can it be not right? the same about her statements. You exchange these thoughts, and let´s see what your conclusions are

[Natasha]

Thank you, @Mal Likewise 

[carlo]

@Natasha

On 15/6/2016 at 6:04 PM, Natasha said:

@carlo You are not ugly, you are perfect just the way you are. By whose standards are you judging yourself as such? Labeling and judging are all 'monkey mind' games. No truth in that at all. 

You are a kind individual who is being pushed around and taken advantage of. You deserve someone who will value and appreciate you and who wants to keep your intimate connection sacred. You're still young, take the time to grow, strengthen, and build yourself up first and then you'll be able to attract same kind of girl. Why settle?

 

 

 

hi natasha, sorry for my english.

thanks a lot for your advice about the thresome, I take it and now i feel so much better.

this is what happened:

 I started to say I was very grateful for everything that I learned with her, but that a year ago she told me that we had a trio and I told her if I she was  talking seriously and she told me that never with another man, then I just got upset and could not believe it. but I did not wanted to end the relationship, she apologized me and told me never thought things through.

Now a year later I again ask the same question and she told me that yeah, and with her ex, she and told her to finish with her girlfriend so we can have a thresome.

and told her that I just did not want to be with her after that. I need some time for myself and learn to be happy. she began to mourn and said that forgiveher, that she did not know what she was thinking about when she did that (again), but finally she accepted it and told  that she loved me very much and expected me to be happy in life.

now I am facing the duel to end the relationship, and sometimes I do not like what I see in the mirror but I try to meditate and be aware of my self-criticism waiting to help. but overall I feel good, at peace with myself and happy with the choice I make.

thank you all for responding

[Natasha]

@carlo The right decisions are often the most difficult ones, because as you grow and build yourself up (self-actualize), you have to gradually peel off the old conditioning/ programming (by family, society, school, friends, media etc) and become the authentic self aligned with your values. You'll be in touch with reality, neuroses diminishes, less and less dependent on the opinions of others, won't need external validation, your life flows from the core of your Being, you lose fear of death, you become untouchable. 

The reality is that you're already perfect and whole as it is. The conditioned mind may tell you otherwise, but as you start to practice meditation, mindfulness and your awareness expands, you'll get more in tune with yours true self and the world around you. The girl you'll be drawn to, will be someone who will share your values and enhance your life , not take away from it.

How about making your picture your screen avatar? Be proud of who you are.

Hugs 

http://www.actualized.org/articles/the-power-of-self-acceptance

http://www.actualized.org/articles/one-simple-rule-for-acing-life

http://www.actualized.org/articles/understanding-the-authentic-self

http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-love-yourself

http://www.actualized.org/articles/healthy-relationships   

Edited June 20, 2016 by Natasha

[Teags]

Lucky for you its not a deal breaker in getting a girl if you're "ugly". Leo has some great videos on how to get a girl and none of them involve being good looking! Maybe do some research on female psychology as well.  

Edited June 22, 2016 by Teags