I feel like I cant trust anyone

[electroBeam]

I'm reaching out here because I don't know what else to do. I feel very suicidal right now and I just need some opinions and help. 

I want to talk to someone in person about my issues, because I read somewhere that women get over breakups better then men because they talk to their friends about it. But I can't, you'll see why below.

 

My situation is, I'm currently in a startup. My cofounder is a highly charismatic sociopath. We have spent the last 3 years building a company, and we have probably another 5 years to go. It's going really well and it's got a good chance of being successful.

Unfortunately My cofounder is from China(it's based in a poor dangerous part), and our company is based in China. I'm not from China, and I have been doing work from my home country. 

He has told me in the past that he strongly values strong determination, work ethic, getting rich, and sacrificing everything for the company. He said that he's willing to sacrifice his house, his wife and family relations to make this startup work. His wife is basically his slave, she does what he tells her to do, she gets upset with him a lot because he doesn't take her out on dates, forgets her birthday and anniversary, etc. And he just shruggs it off. Tells her that she can get divorced then. She either sacrifices her well-being for the company or she leaves.

He of course expects me to do the same, but I'm not like him. I value compassion, impacting the world, empathy and being kind to women and basically everyone. 

For the past 3 years, he's been trying to convince me to move to China. I have compromised by going to China every 2-4 months for about a month. I couldn't leave in the past because my wife(ex now) couldn't handle it. She was too clingy. She couldn't even handle 1 month every 3 months, and that's why we have broken up. 

My ex wife came from Latin America, and we met in uni. We became husband and wife to give her a visa so she could migrate to our country. Of course we thought we would be together, but now we broke up. But we have to keep seeing each other for another year and pretend to be married for her to get a permanent residency. If I divorce her now, it will take her much longer to get a PR, and her mum(who is around 70) won't be able to come to my country because she might die soon. If I cancel her visa, I think there's a strong chance my ex wife my commit suicide, because her mum spent all her money paying for her visa and her university, all in hopes that she could spend her last year's in my home country with her. 

This gives me a great deal of suffering, because for the visa we have to keep seeing each other for evidence, but I'm deeply hurt she broke up with me. 

She told me that she broke up with me because she felt insecure about our relationship. Because my company is based in China, she's worried that in the future I will leave to China and never come back. I told her that I didn't move to China specifically to be with her. But she's too insecure and so she broke up. I pretended to quit my company and she cried because she said that I was messing up her head. And that to stop the pain we should just be best friends(friends with benefits) until the visa comes, because she knows I'm very ambitious and again that makes her think that if I get too successful I will leave her. 

I'm deeply hurt because I'm committed to her, and she won't accept it for a silly reason. And I feel used for the visa. I don't want to see her but I have to for the visa and this is bringing me pain. 

I agreed that let's be in a relationship then for another year and just enjoy while we can, and lets break up at the end of the year. Lets use this time to detach from each other and make our last memories good ones(because we are still attached to each other). She agreed(close friends of benefits sort of thing till the end of the year)

This breakup happened about a week or 2 ago. I'm currently in China and have been for about a week or 2(left just after the breakup).

When I go to China, I don't feel comfortable with my cofounder. He's very brutal and harsh(typical Chinese sociopath). He's also 20 years older than me(I'm in my early 20s). I value health, wellbeing, and it's always a struggle for me to do simple things like eat healthy food and go to the gym. He argues with me that I should be working long hours at the startup and thats more important than health and gym. He shows me all the poor people in China and says all of them would do anything to be in my position right now. When i argue he just argues back. And its so uncomfortable because when im there im living in his house, i come from a poor family and dont have enough money for airbnb or hotels while im there. He of course wont spend that money on me because hes a tight chinese man.

I told my cofounder about my breakup up(because it's important for us to understand what's going on in our life for planning the startup) and I was hoping that he would be at least a bit sympathetic.

 

Instead he said "hooray! you can finally migrate to China, I'll get you a visa".

I was just so put off by this. I broke up with my wife of 3 years about a week ago, and he gave absolutely no empathy. Instead he just capitalised on my loss. I wanted to vomit. 

 

I told him that look I need time to get over the relationship. We will continue to live together till the end of the year. I'll come to China permanently a bit later during the year. 

He told me that I'm being stupid. Why am I choosing to help someone with a visa when they broke up with me? Why do you want to stay in your home country and live with her after the breakup? Youre being stupid, irrational, emotional, feminine. If you were loyal to the startup you would come instantly! This is your future, not your ex wife. Think about the future, stupid 20s man.

Even if I don't live with my ex for the rest of the year, the thought of living with this guy in his house for a long period of time makes me wanna puke. Chinese are so harsh and brutal and hate feelings. they only care about rationality. I don't mean to be racist but I hate their culture. The company is on track to make enough money to justify to my tight ass cofounder to give me a pay and have my own place next year. I want to move then. But not now.

 

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

 

I told this to my ex wife, and of course she got pissed, saying that he's going to ruin her visa and her plans to come to my home country. So i cant go too soon. I'm just thinking "what about me? It isn't fair, I've had enough and I want my share! My heart has just been teared, and all these people care about is their own petty lives". Fortunately she later confessed that if I go she will cry because she still needs me. But her first reaction was the visa and that hurts me a lot. 

 

On top of all of this, to save money I've been living with my parents. Because it's a startup the income is not totally secure, especially since the Chinese dollar is much lower than my own country(I live in a city as expensive as los angeles) and with the corona virus its just dropped again. My parents are pissed that i sacrificed my degree for this startup and have now told me i must move out. So now i have home security problems. Also my parents are divorcing after a lot of hatred and only care about themselves right now. Divorce court fees etc makes me not a concern for them right now. 

 

I can't talk to my parents about my ex wife, because to get the visa my parents have to write statements to the immigration. I've also had a lot of fights with them in the past because they helped my ex wife by providing her a house and thought she was ungreatful, but kept all of the resentment in because they thought we would be together forever. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

 

Last night I stayed up the whole night. Just contemplating about my life. I wondered "what if instead of my wife disappearing I quit the startup?" Then I suddenly felt like I was on cocaine, ecstatic. The relief from all of the pressure was amazing. But then I remembered all of the pain I got from my controlling ex wife. I then wondered "what if i quit both my ex wife and the startup" omg i felt like I took 10x more cocaine, with all of the relief i felt like i was floating. Then i remembered how stressful it is living with my family. Then it hit me, what if I committed suicide? Just started over again like what we do in our dreams? OMG the relief, the ecstasy. I cannot describe, just like an enlightenment experience. 

 

Last night I snuck a knife out of the draw from my cofounder's kitchen and began to locate my heart. As I was about to push it in a flashback of my entire history from the moment I was a kid to now occured. I saw how much mourning my parents would go through if I did this, the shock and terror of my cofounder and the dread of my ex. But the worst part would be my parents would incorrectly feel guilty and responsible for the thing i was about to do. So i put the knife back and instead just wept in the deep dark depression for the entire night. 

 

I've talked to therapists in the past, and I find I get worse, not better eith them.

 

I can't speak to my parents about my situation, and I've tried speaking to my ex and cofounder about it: which was a mistake.

 

I have no friends, because I'm too busy.

 

I feel used, exploited, and I feel unlovable and void of love. I feel like people only like me because I make them rich(cofounder) or I give them a visa(my ex wife). 

I feel very resentful to my ex wife. And I feel like vomiting when I think about my cofounder.

 

I have a deep urge to commit suicide and I just don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone to talk to.

 

What can I do? Is suicide the best thing for such a situation?

[Gili Trawangan]

Please do not commit suicide. Give it a little bit of time, accept your emotions. It's ok to feel bad, really. It's ok.

I can't give you any practical advice, I sympathize with your position, it's a difficult one for sure. But I can say that it will get better, don't trust catastrophic thoughts. Give it a bit of time, you WILL feel better and a solution will present itself.

You are loved. You are loved by the entire universe, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. It's ok to cry, it's ok to not feel good. Hang in there. 

[Eph75]

While seeing the deal with your ex-wife through, which is noble, she is taking advantage of your kindness. While your kindness is again noble, when not met also with gratitude but hostility, why bother? That might sound harsh, but your ultimate responsibilty is against yourself, not others in first hand. Not playing your game against her rules. It sounds a bit like that's again the situation with your cofounder.

But in all this, what do YOU want?

The ecstacy you feel is the temporary release of pressure/anxiety from playing with the idea of no longer chasing an attachment to which you're not fully aligned. IMO there's nothing wrong with chasing dreams, there's nothing wrong with a business that brings you wealth (eventually), but the key, and what makes that healthy or unhealthy, is what the reasons why you chase it are, and staying true to them and what is happening with/to you on that journey. It should be our underlying motivation that drives us, not what others want, and not obligations of shame to not meet those. 

Living is right here and right now. Personal integrity is built right here and right now, and will serve you for the rest of your life. Unfortunately life is full of difficult choices, but when taken, and not just indecisively following the flow of others pressure/needs, we grow stronger and happier. That sense of  autonomy is fundamental. Sometimes we have few choices, but we can always make a choice that is fully embraced. If you choose to fulfill the agreement with your ex, do so, fully. If you choose to continue your partnership with your Chineese venture, do so fully, while keeping your autonomy (not adopting you partners' philosophy). If that means the that partnership can't be, so be it.

Listen to your heart and your intuition, what are they telling you? Try not to mix in obligations, shame, pressure or guilt. What do you want? What is important to you? 

You are very young. You have all of your adult life ahead of you. Don't allow whatever is happening right now define who you should be, it takes time to find our real selves. 

Remember, not to take life too seriously. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Eph75

[Raptorsin7]

@electroBeam Please don't commit suicide. Suicide is never the answer. We will all die eventually there is no need to rush this process.

I highly recommend you talk to @Nahm. He has helped me in my life more than I could ever imagine a person could help someone. If you have time I want you to read my post history. Spend some time, a few hours. Look at how much i've grown and changed in the past few months. This work, really works. I was never suicidal, but I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with life. I'm not done by any means. But this is the greatest i've ever felt in my life and I credit much of this to my work with @Nahm. 

I want to you to consider something. Where is the drive to commit suicide coming from? Do you really want to end your existence? Or do you want out of your current situation, with the toxic co-worker, the toxic relationship etc.

You are clearly very intelligent. Have you considered dropping this project and starting anew? There is more to life then just working and being "successful" and you seem clued into this fact. Your business partner does not seem to see this. I think if you were to walk away, take time to find yourself, then you will come back energized and will be more successful then you could ever imagine.

How are your practices? Diet, meditation, yoga, journaling, psychedelics? What are you doing to tame the mind?

If you have any questions feel free to message me.  

Edited February 1, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Preety_India]

 

Hmm. It's good to see that you have finally fully opened up about your situation because I kinda had the feeling that she cannot be just an ex girlfriend. I knew there was more to everything and I had the feeling that you were holding back a lot the first time you posted about breakup. 

I will just give you real practical advice. This will be in tune with whatever you already want. 

I didn't know the situation exactly before because I assumed that she was just a girlfriend using you which is quite common. 

But now that I know that she is your wife, there's a lot invested in here. 

I don't think that she is using you for a visa although on your side it might feel that way. I think she is genuinely hurt as well given that it is a 3 year marriage. Anyone would be hurt. 

So you will need to pretend like you are with her at least for the rest of the year till she gets the visa processed so that things go better for her. This is because you love her and it will cause you a lot of guilt to not honor her last needs in the marriage. 

Let her get her mom to the country you are residing in so that her worries can be taken care of. 

But you will have to close the marriage chapter as soon as the pending obligations (not really obligations) are done because she is not showing signs for reconciliation. I have no idea why. It's bizzare that she wants to quit on something that was 3 year long. 

Coming to your startup situation. You're really happy and that guy doesn't sound trustworthy I mean the Chinese guy. If you get into trouble in China with regard to money he most likely won't help you. Being in another country for a long period of time with a person who you can't trust can be very risky. 

You're young in your 20s which is a great advantage because you can easily find work in your own hometown. You can stay in China for a few months and quit being his slave and find work in your country. Once you get a job you can get a basic studio apartment and get out of the parents home. A note to your parents. I hate the fact that they are not supporting you at a time of need. They should be the last to tell you to move out. But I'm aware that a lot of western parents don't give a shit. So you will need to buckle up. 

Suicide is not the solution here. Be practical. Emotionally cut off from your ex but do what she says as a way to honor the marriage. Don't think she is using you. 

And find a place and people you get along with so that the job frustration can be taken care of. 

Try to keep your mind empty for a few days. 

I dealt with breakup in the month of November and posted here in the forum and got a lot of support. It was very hard and depressing for me. 

But now I'm coping well. It takes like 3 to 6 weeks to get over a breakup, of course the scars are going to be long term

And as I said even in your previous post about breakup, that you need to settle with a woman who wants to make it work, who wants to build a life with you, not someone who is not okay with your life choices and decisions, because no matter how much you love them, they are going to drift apart for their own needs leaving you high and dry. 

I'm sorry you're going through so much. 

Take care.. 

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Preety_India

[Nahm]

18 hours ago, electroBeam said:

I don't have anyone to talk to

I feel for ya, and I do have some clarity on it. Never make big decisions in the contrast. Things will turn around, you’ll feel better.  If you want to chat about it hit me up. ??♥️

[Elisabeth]

So this is the story of why your breakup would be so weird. 

I can also see why it would be hard for your wife to support you working with someone who's so obviously toxic as a person. It's confusing to me why you would choose to do a startup with him specifically. Please don't go live at his house. 

As for your wife, I don't quite understand her. What does it help to be broken up and keep pretending you're husband or wife?  She must have been really desperate about the state of your relationship to break it risking that you won't support her with her visa ... or I don't know. 

To break up with you and expect you to still secure her visa, and even lie to your parents, that's a shitty thing to do. You could send her (and her mom) right back to latin America. Few people would judge you. Maybe she's confident that she can make you still play along? Or, was she unable to keep having sex with someone who she doesn't want kids with, so she took the risk?

If your decision is to be caring and selfless and you're gonna keep seeing her for another year, you haven't broken up really. I understand now why your original question was whether to try to win her back. You have a year to work on your differences. I have no idea if you should.

You're in a tough spot. It would help to take a few days off and just give yourself permission to cry and introspect before you decide on your next actions. Get away from parents who are adding pressure.

I'm so sorry. Please don't kill yourself.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Elisabeth

[electroBeam]

Thanks guys for the responses! They were great and really helped me get over the few days.

I've had a few days to sit down and reassess my situation.

@Raptorsin7 yep looked at your past and amazed to see how you've changed. really inspiring.

@Nahm maybe I'll give you a call for a few minutes some time this week if you don't mind?

@Elisabeth I think there are some important contextual points I should have pointed out. Because on second look someone who doesn't know my situation personally would read it as bizzare.

its a really strange situation to wrap your head around if you don't know me or my situation personally. 

Aren't you a quantum physicist? From an academic perspective partnering with such a CEO sounds crazy. But you need to appreciate that almost all succesful CEOs are sociopaths. I read a study once that showed that the most common trait that all CEOs have with each other is lack of empathy. You need to appreciate that business is extremely cut throat beyond imaginable. And China is 10x more cut throat than the US. 90% of startup fail. Unfortunately 1 big reason is because CEOs are too empathetic. Besides, when I first partnered with him, he was highly charismatic. I had no idea he was this way. I was manipulated and abused a bit by this guy for about a year or 2 before i realised he might actually be a sociopath. It was too late, I gave up too much before I realised. And even still hes not that bad of a guy really. You also need to appreciate that the Chinese culture is extremely brutal. They all lack empathy. Go there and live and work with them. Go and work in a 3rd world country. You will see and be forced to do some shit that will give you PTSD.

My ex (or is she an ex? I don't know) loved me and dreamed of living together with me in my home country, starting a family, enjoying life together, etc. I never knew or realised that startups had to work overseas and I always planned to stay in my home country. I come from a country town, where people are all hobbits who stay in their own place and farm and live normal lives until their death. I was about to do the same, with my ex wife. But as I grew older I realised that to fully grow into the person I want to be, I need to explore the world and put myself into positions that make someone grow. Plus my cofounder has pressured me severely to move country. The startup was like the old wise man in the hero's journey: I first rejected entering the startup, because I didn't want the responsibility, but my cofounder insisted, saying I was bright and smart and had a lot of potential to revolutionise the world. So i took on the challenge. 

Also my ex believes it's also best for me to leave my home country because I'm very sheltered and inexperienced with life. I need to grow up. But this is what her logical mind is saying. Then her emotional mind gets a hold of her and tells her to keep me with her for the rest of her life. So she oscillates back and forth between these 2 states. Not knowing what to do. 

Last year I went to China for 1 month. My cofounder was upset saying that I'm not dedicated enough. 1 of our employees had not seen his wife in 3 years. My cofounder's business partners were talking behind my back about how westerners are dedicated enough to their future. I was in this guy's house and I felt lonely, insecure and threatened. My wife couldn't handle that i was gone for 1 month because she's extremely clingy and attached to our physical intimacy. I was working long hours in China. 1 day I forgot to ring her(forgetting to ring her is like cheating). She got extremely angry with me for it. Then i cracked and told her "look if you can't handle me leaving for just 1 month, this relationship isn't going to work!"

As expected(women's immortal memory) she's never forgotten this statement. And this made her question whether or not we could have a future together. A year after this month she thought and thought and thought. And finally she made the decision that we aren't meant to be, because For the next 5 or so years I will need to travel to a different country for my career, and she needs someone to sleep with and cuddle every night. 

She went back to her home country and talked about it to her friends. She was still deeply attached to me, but had to break it off because me leaving her physically is too hurtful. So her friends advised her to be best friends with me. That way she can still have that emotional connection, but her stress anxiety and fear of me leaving the home country can be let go of. Her friends specifically told her not to have sex with me because she will get attached again. But she hasn't listened to that advice hshshahaha.

So she finally told me let's be best friends of benefits until I have to leave. (Maybe next year I'll migrate to China?). 

So in the last few days we have tried being friends of benefits. But honestly what we say and what we do are 2 different things. We live together and we are basically doing the same thing a couple is doing and we are trying to draw boundaries but it's not working. We are just too intimate. So now we are thinking maybe we should just be in a relationship for another year then break up next year. But that sounds like delaying the inevitable. So now we are thinking maybe we should downgrade our relationship to an open/casual relationship. And If we find someone in the future that we like more than each other, then we downgrade to friends. Although this has problems because what if 1 of us finds someone and the other doesn't? The other will be deeply hurt.

It's still something we need to put some effort into resolving. I'm thinking casual relationship is best and we slowly live our own life. IDK.

If she doesn't get the visa, she won't have enough money to bring her mum. She loves her mum and regrets putting her through so much stress eith the money on migrating to my home country. And she relied on my this way because it was 100% certain that we would live happily every after, so it wouldnt be a problem. But things have changed. So now everything is screwed up. 

We've tried breaking up but it didn't work. Because we really don't want to. But we sort of have to because I may need to leave the country for the next 4 to 5 years. 

[Nahm]

@electroBeam For sure man. ??

[Adodd]

On 2/1/2020 at 2:02 AM, electroBeam said:

I'm reaching out here because I don't know what else to do. I feel very suicidal right now and I just need some opinions and help. 

I want to talk to someone in person about my issues, because I read somewhere that women get over breakups better then men because they talk to their friends about it. But I can't, you'll see why below.

 

My situation is, I'm currently in a startup. My cofounder is a highly charismatic sociopath. We have spent the last 3 years building a company, and we have probably another 5 years to go. It's going really well and it's got a good chance of being successful.

Unfortunately My cofounder is from China(it's based in a poor dangerous part), and our company is based in China. I'm not from China, and I have been doing work from my home country. 

He has told me in the past that he strongly values strong determination, work ethic, getting rich, and sacrificing everything for the company. He said that he's willing to sacrifice his house, his wife and family relations to make this startup work. His wife is basically his slave, she does what he tells her to do, she gets upset with him a lot because he doesn't take her out on dates, forgets her birthday and anniversary, etc. And he just shruggs it off. Tells her that she can get divorced then. She either sacrifices her well-being for the company or she leaves.

He of course expects me to do the same, but I'm not like him. I value compassion, impacting the world, empathy and being kind to women and basically everyone. 

For the past 3 years, he's been trying to convince me to move to China. I have compromised by going to China every 2-4 months for about a month. I couldn't leave in the past because my wife(ex now) couldn't handle it. She was too clingy. She couldn't even handle 1 month every 3 months, and that's why we have broken up. 

My ex wife came from Latin America, and we met in uni. We became husband and wife to give her a visa so she could migrate to our country. Of course we thought we would be together, but now we broke up. But we have to keep seeing each other for another year and pretend to be married for her to get a permanent residency. If I divorce her now, it will take her much longer to get a PR, and her mum(who is around 70) won't be able to come to my country because she might die soon. If I cancel her visa, I think there's a strong chance my ex wife my commit suicide, because her mum spent all her money paying for her visa and her university, all in hopes that she could spend her last year's in my home country with her. 

This gives me a great deal of suffering, because for the visa we have to keep seeing each other for evidence, but I'm deeply hurt she broke up with me. 

She told me that she broke up with me because she felt insecure about our relationship. Because my company is based in China, she's worried that in the future I will leave to China and never come back. I told her that I didn't move to China specifically to be with her. But she's too insecure and so she broke up. I pretended to quit my company and she cried because she said that I was messing up her head. And that to stop the pain we should just be best friends(friends with benefits) until the visa comes, because she knows I'm very ambitious and again that makes her think that if I get too successful I will leave her. 

I'm deeply hurt because I'm committed to her, and she won't accept it for a silly reason. And I feel used for the visa. I don't want to see her but I have to for the visa and this is bringing me pain. 

I agreed that let's be in a relationship then for another year and just enjoy while we can, and lets break up at the end of the year. Lets use this time to detach from each other and make our last memories good ones(because we are still attached to each other). She agreed(close friends of benefits sort of thing till the end of the year)

This breakup happened about a week or 2 ago. I'm currently in China and have been for about a week or 2(left just after the breakup).

When I go to China, I don't feel comfortable with my cofounder. He's very brutal and harsh(typical Chinese sociopath). He's also 20 years older than me(I'm in my early 20s). I value health, wellbeing, and it's always a struggle for me to do simple things like eat healthy food and go to the gym. He argues with me that I should be working long hours at the startup and thats more important than health and gym. He shows me all the poor people in China and says all of them would do anything to be in my position right now. When i argue he just argues back. And its so uncomfortable because when im there im living in his house, i come from a poor family and dont have enough money for airbnb or hotels while im there. He of course wont spend that money on me because hes a tight chinese man.

I told my cofounder about my breakup up(because it's important for us to understand what's going on in our life for planning the startup) and I was hoping that he would be at least a bit sympathetic.

 

Instead he said "hooray! you can finally migrate to China, I'll get you a visa".

I was just so put off by this. I broke up with my wife of 3 years about a week ago, and he gave absolutely no empathy. Instead he just capitalised on my loss. I wanted to vomit. 

 

I told him that look I need time to get over the relationship. We will continue to live together till the end of the year. I'll come to China permanently a bit later during the year. 

He told me that I'm being stupid. Why am I choosing to help someone with a visa when they broke up with me? Why do you want to stay in your home country and live with her after the breakup? Youre being stupid, irrational, emotional, feminine. If you were loyal to the startup you would come instantly! This is your future, not your ex wife. Think about the future, stupid 20s man.

Even if I don't live with my ex for the rest of the year, the thought of living with this guy in his house for a long period of time makes me wanna puke. Chinese are so harsh and brutal and hate feelings. they only care about rationality. I don't mean to be racist but I hate their culture. The company is on track to make enough money to justify to my tight ass cofounder to give me a pay and have my own place next year. I want to move then. But not now.

 

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

 

I told this to my ex wife, and of course she got pissed, saying that he's going to ruin her visa and her plans to come to my home country. So i cant go too soon. I'm just thinking "what about me? It isn't fair, I've had enough and I want my share! My heart has just been teared, and all these people care about is their own petty lives". Fortunately she later confessed that if I go she will cry because she still needs me. But her first reaction was the visa and that hurts me a lot. 

 

On top of all of this, to save money I've been living with my parents. Because it's a startup the income is not totally secure, especially since the Chinese dollar is much lower than my own country(I live in a city as expensive as los angeles) and with the corona virus its just dropped again. My parents are pissed that i sacrificed my degree for this startup and have now told me i must move out. So now i have home security problems. Also my parents are divorcing after a lot of hatred and only care about themselves right now. Divorce court fees etc makes me not a concern for them right now. 

 

I can't talk to my parents about my ex wife, because to get the visa my parents have to write statements to the immigration. I've also had a lot of fights with them in the past because they helped my ex wife by providing her a house and thought she was ungreatful, but kept all of the resentment in because they thought we would be together forever. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

 

Last night I stayed up the whole night. Just contemplating about my life. I wondered "what if instead of my wife disappearing I quit the startup?" Then I suddenly felt like I was on cocaine, ecstatic. The relief from all of the pressure was amazing. But then I remembered all of the pain I got from my controlling ex wife. I then wondered "what if i quit both my ex wife and the startup" omg i felt like I took 10x more cocaine, with all of the relief i felt like i was floating. Then i remembered how stressful it is living with my family. Then it hit me, what if I committed suicide? Just started over again like what we do in our dreams? OMG the relief, the ecstasy. I cannot describe, just like an enlightenment experience. 

 

Last night I snuck a knife out of the draw from my cofounder's kitchen and began to locate my heart. As I was about to push it in a flashback of my entire history from the moment I was a kid to now occured. I saw how much mourning my parents would go through if I did this, the shock and terror of my cofounder and the dread of my ex. But the worst part would be my parents would incorrectly feel guilty and responsible for the thing i was about to do. So i put the knife back and instead just wept in the deep dark depression for the entire night. 

 

I've talked to therapists in the past, and I find I get worse, not better eith them.

 

I can't speak to my parents about my situation, and I've tried speaking to my ex and cofounder about it: which was a mistake.

 

I have no friends, because I'm too busy.

 

I feel used, exploited, and I feel unlovable and void of love. I feel like people only like me because I make them rich(cofounder) or I give them a visa(my ex wife). 

I feel very resentful to my ex wife. And I feel like vomiting when I think about my cofounder.

 

I have a deep urge to commit suicide and I just don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone to talk to.

 

What can I do? Is suicide the best thing for such a situation?

I love you man. Being suicidal is never easy to get past. I mutilated my body (in one way or another)from 9-24 years old. 3 suicide attempts and 2 of the 3 times I should've died. I was saved both times by being freaky lucky. I'm so glad you and I are still here. And never be afraid to seek processional help. So you practice any meditation?

[Elisabeth]

@electroBeam I don't know why you want to do a startup so much or if these sacrifices are necessary. Sounds crazy. From the outside it does sound like they are using you. However, if I don't want to change countries, I probably have to quit science as well (I won't get grants without international experience), so that's a bit similar. At least nobody is telling me that it's normal to not see my partner for three years. Don't be crazed by the Chinese culture  

I don't know anything about startups, but I know a thing or two about relationships. It's good you guys realized that you don't really want to be broken up. You can work from there. I hope you can figure out a workable arrangement - be it for a year or a lifetime. 

[electroBeam]

23 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

@electroBeam . At least nobody is telling me that it's normal to not see my partner for three years. Don't be crazed by the Chinese culture  

Yes that's very normal in Chinese culture and if you disagree with them they think youre an immature baby. All of them. Women there seem to only date for money. It's like the West in the 1800s where they dated for wealth. That's exactly what it's like in China. That's what my cofounder is like. Love marriages are frowned upon. Arranged marriages are the norm. The culture shock hahaha.

Chinese people care a lot about family. Their family comes first, then their wife. So marriage to them has nothing to do with their wife or husband, but with pleasing their family. When looking for a wife they look at the wife's family, the wife's cooking and cleaning skills, how submissive they are, and whether their family will think it's a good deal(just like the 1800s). It's all about increasing their family's wealth and propagating their family's heritage. So their relationships have nothing to do with love. It's almost and arranged marriage. 

I've told them this, that they dont love their wives, and they get deeply offended. They try to tell me that they love their wives more than westerners because our love is lust while theirs is true love. They are forced to work together because its about their family not them.

Of course that's bullshit. But yeah try convincing people like that that you need to live and see your wife. They don't get it. It's very tough.

But you don't have to change countries? You've just got to go to conferences for a few weeks? That's because you're in the US. Try doing that in Belgium or Spain or a poor country. Then you would have to permanently migrate for your career. I come from Australia a country where they spend less on grants than Belgium and Spain. You either have a mediocre career or migrate. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by electroBeam

[Preety_India]

@electroBeam

I don't think that she dated you for money. She has lived with you for 3 years in the marriage. I think she loves you. But you migrating can be hard on her. 

I'd never want my future hubby to keep going far away from me. It would be very hard for me to deal with. 

 

[MAYA EL]

@electroBeam

A job is a job is a job .

 

People are real jobs are never more important then people especially the people in your realm/life 

 

A job will stab you and leave you in a ditch to die just to save 20$ . It sounds like you and all the people in your life are living in separate worlds and destroying each other by doing so. 

My advice to you is 2 stop take a deep breath and open your eyes and see what's actually real search yourself and find what you really want and drop all the concepts and expectations everybody else has piled on you and only take what's yours

[Preety_India]

7 hours ago, MAYA EL said:

@electroBeam

A job is a job is a job .

 

People are real jobs are never more important then people especially the people in your realm/life 

 

A job will stab you and leave you in a ditch to die just to save 20$ . It sounds like you and all the people in your life are living in separate worlds and destroying each other by doing so. 

My advice to you is 2 stop take a deep breath and open your eyes and see what's actually real search yourself and find what you really want and drop all the concepts and expectations everybody else has piled on you and only take what's yours

So true

[Elisabeth]

Quote

But you don't have to change countries? You've just got to go to conferences for a few weeks? 

I'm in Europe. I'd have to go for postdoc for a year at least, better two or three, with still no certainty that I'll get a stable job afterwards. One of the reasons to not do science... It doesn't have to be as far as China though, although it could be.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Elisabeth

[tsuki]

On 1.02.2020 at 8:02 AM, electroBeam said:

Last night I stayed up the whole night. Just contemplating about my life.

1. I wondered "what if instead of my wife disappearing I quit the startup?" Then I suddenly felt like I was on cocaine, ecstatic. The relief from all of the pressure was amazing.
2. But then I remembered all of the pain I got from my controlling ex wife. I then wondered "what if i quit both my ex wife and the startup" omg i felt like I took 10x more cocaine, with all of the relief i felt like i was floating.
3. Then i remembered how stressful it is living with my family. Then it hit me, what if I committed suicide? Just started over again like what we do in our dreams? OMG the relief, the ecstasy. I cannot describe, just like an enlightenment experience. 

Listen, friend. I don't expect a reply from you you've been ignoring me consistently for a long while, but just hear me out, okay?

1. Getting free of the co-founder? Probably a good idea. 
   I understand that you're in a tight spot because of the pressure of money and quitting the degree, but this guy... he does not care about you. More than that, he's openly abusive. With a CEO like that, this company will make money, but it won't bring any good to this world. To be like that he has to carry so much pain that he's not thinking straight. You are in your early 20s and you're a cofounder of a startup. You are a bright, capable man and you will find a way to make a living. By sticking with him, you will slowly turn into a sociopath just like him to justify his behavior. Watch out!
2. Getting free of your ex wife? Probably not a good idea, but I feel you. Women can be tough. Working on you relationship AND a company? Your appetite is enormous, and rightly so, but your progress is at the expense of your health. Are you sure that you really appreciate how difficult it is what you're trying to accomplish? It's not just about being smart and hard working. The load is HUGE.
3. Why leaving your parents is associated with suicide?
   YOU ARE A SMART, CAPABLE, HARD WORKING, YOUNG MAN AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
   You don't have to be rich, you don't have to be successful, in order to be.

On 1.02.2020 at 8:02 AM, electroBeam said:

I feel used, exploited, and I feel unlovable and void of love. I feel like people only like me because I make them rich(cofounder) or I give them a visa(my ex wife). 

I feel very resentful to my ex wife. And I feel like vomiting when I think about my cofounder.

These are difficult times for everyone, not just you. It sucks four wife, it sucks for the cofounder, it sucks for your parents, AND IT SUCKS FOR YOU.
You are not responsible for them - be responsible for you. Take care of yourself. People may help you, but you are ultimately the most important person in your life. If you don't accept this, you won't be able to help other people, people you care about.

Don't put any more pressure on yourself. Take a few step backs and slow down, even if it costs you money.

[electroBeam]

15 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I'm in Europe. I'd have to go for postdoc for a year at least, better two or three, with still no certainty that I'll get a stable job afterwards. One of the reasons to not do science... It doesn't have to be as far as China though, although it could be.

ohhh ok. Yeah so if you ever get a husband who is deeply clingy and needy and can't handle you leaving for a week, and if you ever get a supervisor who heavily invests(sold his house and car to buy part of the patent license) in an invention/scientific discovery patent you made as part of your research; an invention like small pox vaccine, massive social impact, and its only gonna make money if you live overseas for 4 to 5 years(because your home country in Europe sucks at commercialisation) and that supervisor is an old traditional, but ambitious, ruthless man from China, you might be in a similar situation hahahaha. But I don't think you will be. I think going over to another country for 4 to 5 years is awesome if you can. It doesn't sound like you have a long term boyfriend or husband, if you don't go for it! And do it in a country that will shock you like Japan or Brasil or India, etc. Best growth of your life. 

@tsuki Sorry to hear you think I ignore you. I commonly don't reply to posts that provide me lots of value. I tend to just acknowledge it silently and apply it. If I reply it usually means I don't agree with it or I think I need to ask more questions to understand it. 

[tsuki]

5 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Sorry to hear you think I ignore you. I commonly don't reply to posts that provide me lots of value. I tend to just acknowledge it silently and apply it. If I reply it usually means I don't agree with it or I think I need to ask more questions to understand it. 

While I'm glad to hear back from you, I didn't intend to make that post about me.
Have a good day, you are truly awesome.

[Elisabeth]

@electroBeam Are you better now? I certainly hope so. 

I'm missing one piece, and I wonder if you have it (you don't have to tell me). I get not wanting to do long-distance, but how comes your wife isn't able to handle a single week without you? Most people can handle a week without their spouse. A month can be hard but doable. Most people will break a relationship if their spouse wanted to be gone for more then a year, but won't break a relationship if it's a month, even repeatedly, unless its about kids.

Frankly, it's not even a task for you to figure out - it's a task for her. But a deep understanding of the needs here would certainly help - that is, if it leads to compassion.