Using more thoughts or Letting go of thoughs to trascend your neurosis. My opinion

[Javfly33]

Let me contextualize a little bit because if not it will be difficult that you understand me but if you understand me you probably think this is an interesting insight:

The usual approach (fixing thoughts stories with more thoughts)

One thing I picked up from a self-develpoment Youtube channel I saw recently is what I call "thought-techniques" for people who identify themselves as "socially anxious" The classic Psychology approach calls them "facts" because they are supposed to free you of any kind of social anxiety/similar neurosis once you recognize them. I still think they are just thoughts to make you feel good, that´s why I call them "thought-techniques".

One of this techniques that is supposed to alliviate your "socially-anxious symptoms" when you fear, for example, how stupid you looked when you said this thing to that person a long time ago, it´s recognizing the following:

Quote

People don´t care much about you! because they´re too busy in their lives and they definetely don´t think/remember stuff you did a long time ago, remember this when you feel that way! 

Today, I saw a post I uploaded a long time ago to my social networks, who made me "cringe". Some "negative" thoughts and an emotion arised. However, after that, I used the "thought-technique" I described above, and almost instantly the emotional discomfort dissapeared! (I felt safe).

I have to recognize I totally "catched" that thought. I totally chose to believe that "thought-technique" because it felt gooood. However, in a sense, I feel that using/attaching/believing that thought it wasn´t such a wise action as it seems. By having that "anchor", I don´t actually surrendered to the fear of appearing cringe to other people.

Some intuition tells me that I have to use more of an inclusive approach instead of this "thought-aids". Now I explain it below:

A different approach (Letting go of try to fix thoughs):

Again, a little more of context to explain correctly:

I want to start to socializing with more people that my few friends and family, also, to pick-up girls. 

I just came back from the city centre/pubs, I ran into a couple of acquaintances but I didn´t talked much to them, we said goodbye, and afterwards I stayed there, in a busy street seeing how I felt, I was a little burn out today to actually try to start approach anyone or do anything social in that moment, I just wanted to finish breathing a little more of social stimulation before going back home, when suddenly recognized very clear a thought that was there (and was the reason I was feeling a sort of discomfort of anxiety in my body). The thought was the following:

Quote

"Well, I hope a lot of people don´t notice me know! staying here on the street all alone, otherwise they might think I have 0 social life and I´m weirdo"

Now, I could use a lot of rationalizations and thought-techniques to try to prove the above thought as "false", however, I choose not to. Not because I think it accurately represents reality, but because the thought I´m going to use to make me feel better or prove the above one wrong, I have the intuition it doesn´t actually represents reality neither.

What I think is a better approach is to actually not try to "fix" that above thought. Not try to prove it "false". Not try to run away from it.

This intuition tells me this fear of appearing cringe/weirdo/inferior I´ll end up having to surrender it. Not try to run away from it.

Now, how do it? I´m going to slowly start recognize these kind of fear thoughts and don´t give them the "thought-technique" so usually. I´m going to observe them and not jump to the conclusion that they are bad and instantly try to fix them or prove them false.

 Before doing that I´ll recognize them, and I´ll realize it´s all happening under the same...even if I´m the weirdest human in the planet, this weirdest/cringest creature it is been produced by and within the Light. The Light, presence, isness, actually loves the cringiest act as much as the most "cool" act. Is not only that it loves it. It IS IT.

From that point, is just surrendering. Surrendering to the fear of being "x" and actually recognize that been whatever one is, is totally OK. Not conceptually OK, metaphysically, acceptance, light, loveness OK. 

@Nahm A big hug because you are been such inspiring in this journey 

@Serotoninluv You too, your insights sometimes motivates to consider there is really a different form of looking.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Javfly33

[Forestluv]

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us.

I like how you are observing your thoughts/feelings and getting to know your thoughts/feelings. As well, you are trying out and exploring new things.

[Nahm]

@Javfly33 Some great scrutinizing. Notice also, you don’t seem to be having any trouble with thinking negatively about people, with judging other people. Obviously it’s because of love, and therefore you know it wouldn’t feel good.  Notice the same is true for others, even if they were judging you... they don’t feel good. In understanding any worries of being judged, become compassion for those unconsciously judging.

 

[Farnaby]

From personal experience, both as a psychologist and as a person who has often experienced intrusive thoughts like the ones you're describing, I agree 100%. 

Questioning the rational validity of our thoughts can be helpful in the short term, but usually isn't enough, since it just feels like replacing an irrational thought with a more rational perspective. Usually the root of these "problems" is not a matter of not being able to distinguish between irrational and rational thoughts. It's usually deeper rooted, in a deep fear of being judged, rejected, etc. As long as we keep working on the conscious/rational level and don't address the underlying causes, it will just become a battle with your mind. 

At least that has never worked long-term in my experience. The other approach you suggest is far more effective IME, even if it may be more uncomfortable in the beginning because you connect with your fears instead of talking yourself out of them. 

Let's take the thought "Well, I hope a lot of people don´t notice me know! staying here on the street all alone, otherwise they might think I have 0 social life and I´m weirdo" for instance.

It's probably accurate to say that most people will not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. But what if someone actually makes a judgement about you standing alone? Or what if someone gives you a look that triggers your fear of being rejected? If you only tried to convince yourself that most people aren't even noticing you, this event would easily convince you otherwise. IMO, just like you said, it's more powerful to accept the possibility that some people may judge you and sit with the uncomfortable feelings that may trigger. 

It's like trying to convince a hypocondriac that they're healthy or a person who is afraid of planes that they're the most safe way to travel. No amount of rational proof can usually calm down a disregulated nervous system. We need to feel into those fears, if possible with someone that can provide calm and secure presence, until we're able to calm our fight/flight response. 

Another thing that I find useful is inner-child work, because most of these fears are rooted in childhood experiences where we felt judged and that experience kind of got stuck in our body. 

[Aquarius]

I don't think people care much about what someone standing on the street does. Your thoughts about them thinking you have 0 social life is not true, because you stated above that people don't care about other's business which is true! The things you say about cringy or cool are just labels.@Javfly33

Also good job at working on your inner workings, I think you are doing great

Edited February 1, 2020 by Aquarius

[Jordan94]

Nice, I definitly agree too, fixing thoughts with thoughts sometimes can work but sometimes not and we'll just get trapped in the thoughts, it's a dangerous and slippery method

One thing to add on the 2nd method of just letgo and surrender, in my experience observing and surrending to the physical sensations works really well, it's a good anchor to have something else than the thoughts to grasp and not getting drown in the thoughts like quicksands

 

Goodluck with your journey