The Truth's a Killer (But I can't leave it alone)

[phoenixrising]

The title is from "Leave it alone" by Hayley Williams.

~~

I have no idea where this journal is going to take me, I'm just going to go with it.

Lately, I've been having a lot of interesting thoughts. I hesitate to use the word "insight" because I just don't know about how valid these thoughts are, but they are there none-the-less. 

Hayley Williams of Paramore (one of my oldest and most favorite bands) went solo and she released 3 music videos this week that have really blown my mind (Simmer, simmer interlude and leave it alone). I felt like I related 100% to the themes shown in the videos and I loved the imagery of her being chased by herself, standing up to herself, fighting with herself, and then eventually bringing her "dark" self back to be reintegrated with her "conscious" self. It was terrifying and beautiful all at once, just like it is when you go through it yourself. The raw and vulnerable honesty really touched me.  I've only been on this awakening journey since September of 2019 and I pictured in my head that it would be hard, yes, but I thought at the end of the line I would no longer need to exhibit "darkness", as it would just go someplace else and I would only be "love and light". Now I'm starting to realize that's a complete delusion (not a bad delusion but not a helpful one either), the darkness will still be there but I can choose how and when to harness its power. This has been a bitter pill to swallow for some reason, and my "darkness" keeps lashing out at people around me. Especially my family, I have some kind of resistance to being a part of a family unit and I have no idea why or what to do about it ("family" here meaning my husband and children, that I chose and wanted to have and deeply love!). I'm sure some root of the problem is in my own childhood (or at least if I believe psychology, seems to be a heavy influence of childhood stuff that they think causes our adult issues). I've been reading Jung and trying to figure out archetypes and dream psychology and that's been interesting but no breakthroughs yet. I feel like I need to find my "center" before I start wandering too far in any direction, or I'm going to fall off a cliff into insanity. I have a real fear of being locked up in a mental institution because I've been in one before and I know how much they *do not help*.

Another weird thing I've been experiencing is seeing things that I know are "imagined" with my eyes open. My imagination is superimposing over "reality" like a filter. Not sure if I can explain it right but that's about the best way, it's like a lens over reality. Sometimes it just turns something ordinary (like lines on the textured wall--literally that started when I was 2 years old) into moving and morphing pictures. Recently I have seen a sort of shimmering light that goes from left to right across my vision and it's been only green so far (it's happened twice in the past few months) and the only way I can think of to describe it, is "matrix-like". Everything sort of shimmers green then goes back to normal, then shimmers green again and just keeps going like that for a while. And then sometimes I just see like a kaleidoscope of rainbow light. Also, I remember when I was a kid I actively had conversations in my head with voices that were not mine. The voices were friendly and helpful and gave me insights into different perspectives. I was always able to see people's points of view and empathize with them easily. (that being said it wasn't perfect and I didn't understand *everything* but it definitely helped) But around 12 or 13 I realized other people *did not* have this kind of thing happening to them, and it freaked me out so I shut it off, now I can't seem to get it back. Maybe I don't really need it back but it's just interesting to me that I was able to shut it off but can't undo it the same way.

This journal is going to be really helpful I think. I can't talk about this sort of stuff with anyone I know, which makes it very isolating and I'm always worried I'm insane. I can't think of anything else to say for now! 

Amy Lee Love Exists song

 

Edited January 31, 2020 by phoenixrising

[phoenixrising]

I've listened to Total Awakening Pt 2 a bunch of times since it came out yesterday. I overlapped it with love exists by amy lee  (which is a cover of this song) and that was actually kind of epic, like an Alan Watts mix I heard recently. (Side tangent about Amy Lee: I think her voice is so wonderful because of the fact that she fully embodies her voice. It sounds to me like her voice is just expanding out her. It's more than just a voice, it's filled with her soul energy. Like in the little mermaid kinda)

I had a lot of resistance at first to the message he was giving, but eventually, it started to sound less and less scary and more and more "right". I'm not going to say I fully understand all of it (esp the bit about unicorn vs hamburger) but I at least got to the point where it's not threatening. There's a lot of personal issues I need to work on, like favoring my family/children/husband over others. It's not to say that I should devalue those important to me, but more like realizing that a stranger to me is someone else's loved one and to treat them accordingly. 

And honestly, I was greatly comforted by the message Leo gave about God not actually judging us. That has always probably kept me rooted in my guilt (blue/green guilt, idk, both), fear of judgement if not from fellow man than from God (because who of course is allowed to judge you if not God??) which birthed that lame pop-culture saying "Only God can judge me", but I guess it's really more of an "I don't give a fffff, I just love you anyway, it's all good." Also pointed out how much judgement I have to work through. And I know I have self-bias and once I finish the spiral dynamics series I was going to start looking into self-delusion and self-bias to start deconstructing those as well. I think the title of my journal is actually really fitting because on my search for truth I will ultimately kill myself but I can't leave it alone.

My biggest problem is I'm so undisciplined and my mind is so lazy. I have a real problem trying to focus that I've never noticed before. I used to be able to sit down and block out everything and just work on whatever I was doing and not be bothered at all. Now I have to be alone in silence to be creative at all. I can't block out anything. That's a huge problem when I have 4 kids. Meditation/qigong is helping with this slightly. I regained the ability to move my awareness around to different parts of my body on purpose which I had lost, so that's good to make some progress. My back is also a lot less stiff than it had been, I was basically becoming a hunched up person like I was trying to be in the fetal position at all times. Yoga was not helpful because I was simply too far gone for normal people yoga. I had to do some specific back yoga to try to stretch out the muscles in my back that were locking up in the wrong places, and switching to qigong felt more natural for me. But I don't want to give up on yoga completely, just putting it on the back burner for now. That being said I should probably step up my practice a bit more and get slightly more serious about it. And I enjoyed the fact that he was saying belief is not the goal here, it's beyond belief. I think that will help me cut back the ideology that wants to overtake me. My ego is like an ivy bush wanting to invade my entire being, and it's roots are made of and anchor to beliefs. That's a good piece of information to have. 

As for my life purpose, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, at least not fully. I have had some thoughts about writing a fiction book and basically transposing in all these elements of truth that I'm learning into the book to kind of sneakily provide people with real truth without them even knowing. I guess trusting myself is still an issue. I also know I have a thousand interests and they don't always last very long. I was learning Irish for like a week last month and now I haven't messed with it. It's not that I don't have a love for all my interests, because I do! I just don't have any time or energy lol. But I do feel like conventional ways are not going to work for me. There are too many things stacked up against me that if I tried it would all just topple over on me. I feel like my focus really needs to be on raising my children, a view my husband shares. But I do worry about my material safety and security financially (because of outside influence and inner guilt I think).  Or maybe I'm using all that as a crutch because the outside world is really nuts and I don't want to go out and mingle in it too much. Lately, I feel like I need to guard my energy as it's too easily negatively impacted. I logged out of Facebook on Jan 12, 2020, and I don't plan on logging back in. I still have Instagram but I hardly ever use it (I still do need to check myself so it doesn't REPLACE Facebook).

I've been trying out sungazing this past week when I can. It's hard in Washington where there aren't as many sunny days. I've had a few interesting experiences so far. The first day it was cloudy and I was up at sunrise to catch the first sun. I didn't know where the sun was so I just kind of gazed out the window and let my eyes relax. Colors started to change in my vision immediately, bright pink with dark black spots that kind of moved around in a jerky manner. I don't sun gaze for a long period of time at once because my husband expressed concerns about my eyesight and while I don't believe that I don't want to upset him too much about it either. I have a theory that sungazing will help me develop my inner sight ("mind's eye" as some call it). On the 2nd day, I practiced sungazing I had a lot of images in my head after I stopped and I closed my eyes. I could see my imagination very clearly.

Numerology numbers:

Life path 11

Destiny 8

Soul 7

Personality 1

Maturity 1

Balance 8 (that's so unhelpful. my balance number is balance -___-; )

4 Pinnacles 1/3/4/9

4 Challenges 6/1//5/7

Cycles 8/2/1

Lucky Number 4

Signature Number 1

Karmic Lessons 6/7

Karmic Debt 16/19

I am very intimidated by my life path 11 number still. It's kind of daunting when it says if I choose to go against this energy then I'm building up bad karma because I'm SUPPOSED to spread spiritual knowledge and be a light worker in this lifetime. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this! I took a reiki class and became a lvl 2 reiki practitioner and while I do think that was worthwhile and worth knowing for myself...Idk if I'm meant to use that on my path in leadership. But we shall see. I know in my heart I'm not supposed to know what the end result is before I begin, that's like reading the last chapter in a book when I first pick it up! I'm supposed to take the journey page by page and not know where the heck it leads until I get there. But that's the hardest part, blind faith that I will take the steps I need to take to end up on a beautiful journey that helps other people and not just myself.

Astrology: astro-charts.com/chart/222d9b9fa 

***Full moon in leo is coming 2/9/20*** That could be an interesting one.

I'm a SUN leo, RISING leo, MOON sag with a SUN rulership over my chart. Sun in Leo, Saturn in Capricorn, Pluto in Scorpio are in the signs of their rulership. (SUPER DOSE OF SUN IN MY CHART, good fucking god.) I really want to order a professional astrology report but I'm kind of skeptical about spending the money. Same with tarot. I really really want a professional reading but I worry my husband will see this as frivolous spending. I don't think he would prevent me from doing it but there would be like a slightly annoyed undertone to it.

Now I'm wondering if these are actually good tools for enlightenment or if they are just a huge distraction. Idk probably everything ultimately can be classified as a distraction but I suppose the real question is: "Does it trigger me to wake up?"

 

Now listening to a podcast of Hayley Williams interview that just came out. They're talking about paradoxes and contradictions. This is some deep shit. This is NOT your typical musician interview. He's fucking asking her why her childhood wasn't good enough that she started out searching for escapism in the first place! Wow. I love how Hayley says "I never would have asked for that, but it's what I needed." And then they dissect the fact that not only do we not ever get what we ask for, do we even know WHAT we are asking for? Like in Total Awakening pt 1 Leo/Godhead mentioned we ask for stuff (apple) then complain that it's not something else (orange), so no, we don't fully grasp wtf we are asking for.  "What is the problem with making mistakes really?" "Being vulnerable is a protective shield." 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I'm currently enjoying the podcast.

Would you share your astrology and numerology links either here or private message?

?‍♂️

[phoenixrising]

14 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I'm currently enjoying the podcast.

Would you share your astrology and numerology links either here or private message?

?‍♂️

What did you think of the podcast?  Do you mean where can you look at your own astro/numerology stuff? I got mine done on astrocafe and numerology cafe.  There's other ones too though and they all say about the same thing. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

8 hours ago, phoenixrising said:

What did you think of the podcast?

I didnt get to finish it. I didn't know who she was.

 This shows how out of touch i am with some elements of pop culture,,,,,, ? Right now I'm listening to some of her music. 

8 hours ago, phoenixrising said:

Do you mean where can you look at your own astro/numerology stuff? I got mine done on astrocafe and numerology cafe.

Yes. Thank You!

I discovered the Astrology site linked in High Consciousness Resources right after I asked you to share this morning. Im somewhat familiar with my numerology but still trying to wrap my mind around Astrology.

[phoenixrising]

18 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I didnt get to finish it. I didn't know who she was.

 This shows how out of touch i am with some elements of pop culture,,,,,, ? Right now I'm listening to some of her music. 

Yes. Thank You!

I discovered the Astrology site linked in High Consciousness Resources right after I asked you to share this morning. Im somewhat familiar with my numerology but still trying to wrap my mind around Astrology.

Ah cool, don't feel bad--I don't follow a lot of celebrities because of how frivolous some of them are, but there's a few who are trying to grow which is where I become interested. Astrology is super complex! It's really mind-boggling how complex it can be sometimes. I've been interested in it since I was 16 and I feel like I still don't understand anything. I'd love to get a few readings done from different people and just compare what they say, but probably that will be much further in the future. One youtuber I watch (Occult Healing) says that astrology is like your road map to life and I pretty much agree with that perspective. It really helps you understand the self and why you unconsciously do the weird things that you do and where conflicts will come up for you so you can be more aware of it (maybe much faster than just using self-inquiry) so it's def a useful tool. Numerology hasn't helped me understand myself, I think it helps me understand my potential though because I never give myself enough "good credit" where it may be due.
 

_________________________

Back to journalling though:

I finished the self-deception and self-bias series yesterday and finished up the self-bias one this morning. I find it very interesting having all my bias pointed out, and it didn't bother me too much. I just kind of nodded and was like yup I can see it, so I see that as a good sign. Now I just have to work on spotting it for myself in my day to day living and do my best to stop demonizing everyone around me. I noticed very quickly that I tend to point out other's flaws when they are pointing out mine. And of course, it makes sense why I would do that from a low-conscious point of view! But I no longer wish to be in a low-conscious point of view. So I'm going to do my best to take criticism without reacting, just listen to the point of view and try to really see the world from their eyes and see where they might be valid and take that into account, and just leave the rest because I don't need to defend myself against their point of view, but rather just incorporate it into my own temporarily to see where I may actually be acting out of line or not appreciating someone etc. And also I will be attempting to take note of when I want to point out people's flaws to start a fight with them so that they will do whatever it is that I think they should be doing (aka serving my own agenda). I noticed I do this a lot with my husband, I point out his bullshit instead of letting him come to his own conclusions, but then I feel resentful that he has never come to his own conclusion and he is in fact resentful to me for the same reason, but he just isn't aware of that being the reason for his resentment. It all makes sense now why all my personal relationships are so strained and why I can't keep close friends anymore. I'm too self-righteous and haven't honestly considered the point of view of the people closest to me. Just because I *think* I am well-intentioned doesn't make that true in my actions. A lot of my actions are self-serving actions. I get on my husband's case mostly because his mistakes will affect me, and they usually do affect me very greatly, and my own survival. So I refuse to let him learn the lessons, I refuse to let him make major mistakes because it potentially affects my own well-being in the physical world, and that of our children too. So while that may seem like a super great excuse to act the way I've acted, it really doesn't help in the long run because of all the resentment that builds up and probably ultimately speaks to a lack of trust and faith on my part because of trying to control everything and ensure that I won't have a negative outcome. That's unfair of me. And in a way, I do branch out and do some of this in varying degrees to other people in my life as well, but it affects my physical well-being less and more of my emotional well-being. At some point, I decided that the way to be happy is to make others happy and help them fix their problems so they can stay happy and only then is it ok to give myself permission to be happy. If anyone I know is unhappy that revokes my permission to be happy and I need to do something about that so I don't feel guilty for wanting to be ok. Twisted. 

Today I'm watching the video about radical open-mindedness, which I wouldn't have picked on my own because I consider myself openminded already. I have many diverse interests (in my opinion) and most of these weren't considered acceptable or mainstream until very recently. I wanted to study the occult when I was in middle school for crying out loud. I borrowed a Silver Ravenwolf book about Wicca when I was 11 or 12 from my friend at school and my stepmom flipped. I taught myself palmistry and read about astrology and numerology all during that time as well. I was greatly interested in Roman culture, Egyptian culture, Greek culture, Japanese culture and to some degree Indian (eastern) culture. I paid great attention to history and the literature we studied in English class during high school, and I was very lucky that I went to a very progressive and openminded school in Virginia, I had an excellent and diverse education and I just kind of took that for granted. I assumed everyone else got such a diverse and open education and that they had many cultures introduced to them at a young age. I even learned very valuable life skills that I hear many many many many people complain that they never learned in school. Finances, money management, home care, and home skills, even emotional intelligence was covered to some degree. The problem began for me when I left all that behind because I wanted to "see the world and find myself" so I left Virginia and I left my home and my school and my friends and mostly left behind my family as well and I went out into the world and I honestly just crumbled and caved to societal pressure because I did not have a strong enough sense of self to withstand the pressure of being so different. I learned very quickly most people were not so openminded, or tolerant or accepting of anything that differed from their own world view and instead of realizing that there was something wrong with the world, I was like huh ok something is wrong with me I should probably just be like everyone else and maybe things will work out for me. Trapppp. That was a huge trap that I spent the next 10 years wading around in and wondering why I felt like absolute shit. And in some ways, I'm still sifting around and identifying what is True Me and what I picked up from somewhere else and why I felt like I needed to adopt this way of thinking in the first place (and that's not going to ever end I'm sure). But it's good to break this stuff down and look at it for what it is. Wow that was a lot more than I originally intended to write, just kinda came out everywhere lol. 
In other news I have been working on my book a little bit, planning things and thinking about it. I'm not ready to write yet though, which is ok. At least I'm thinking about it and thinking about the characters and how they think and how they see the world. That's one reason I love writing and coming up with characters, it gives me a really practical way to practice seeing the world differently than I do. A really believable story has really believable and relatable characters who the author can access their mode of thinking so seamlessly it convinces you these characters are real.....because technically they are real and they live inside the mind of the author and the author is just bringing them to life for the reader. Boom.

[phoenixrising]

@Leo Gura thank you so much for all you do. I really appreciate you putting yourself out there & recording these controversial videos. I watch them and practice non-judgment because I know you are just trying to teach me something! Thank you for showing me what an awakening experience can really be like, so I can really know when it's happening to me. 

[phoenixrising]

1 year ago yesterday I realized my entire childhood was a complete fabrication and not one that I had designed myself but had been given to me. Common sense would say, but of course!  But when you're a child you have to trust that the adults around you are leading you and guiding you and caring for you, so it's not obvious right away to question anything about your parents or what they told you...even if you can see they are a failure at life it's still hard to question and examine that kind of stuff. It's my very roots that my tree is growing out of! 

My dad (well, with both) and I had a rocky relationship most of my life, and I thought that's ok because most people do have that same sort of thing. Nothing to look at here, all "normal" right? Wrongggg. 

So I'll be 30 this year, and a year ago is when I unraveled some of my dad's lies (lies just hiding his flaws really) and I only found out because he got remarried. A couple years back my dad moved back to CA and got married to a lady with 2 kids. I thought that was weird since my dad didn't care much about raising me & he always acted like he couldn't be bothered with me (2nd wife raised me) but I'm an adult with my own life and my own problems and he was thousands of miles away, it's not like I saw him...ever...and I hadn't seen him since I was 19 anyway. So he remarried and suddenly was taking an interest in me again, if somewhat fleeting. I feel like it was just because his new wife brought me up or something so he felt like it was part of his new facade. As time went on, I noticed my new stepmom believes herself to be somewhat of a celebrity and she's always launching crusades against schizophrenia and mental health institutions and such, so I started looking into her because of concerns my mom brought up and at first I defended my newest stepmom because she was part of my family by association now (so really all I cared about was, how does this affect how people will see me). Again, never saw them in person so I didn't think anything of the internet hate forum that I found about her. In my mind I reasoned that people are misunderstood all the time and it can be hard to know a person just by online interactions. But eventually I came back to look again at the online hate forum and specifically what they had to say about my dad and I read it much more closely because a few things had felt off to me (tv show, book deal, making millions of dollars and having a huge mansion for free). I discovered that some of the hate forum had merit, they had dug up some court records that I know about from when I was a tween. I brought my findings to his 2nd wife and found she was just as surprised! They were married at the time and she had no idea about any of it and it explained all of the financial problems (and also my dads crazy attitude) we had at the time. Then I told my mom about it all and she was shocked too! I am utterly amazed at all of the self delusion going on that we so readily accepted whatever excuses he came up with to cover his tracks. (The car wasn't repossessed, it just broke down and we cant afford to fix it because we are broke! But we were also broke because of him too.) We all so wanted to love and trust so much, that we allowed him to delude us. That's the part I am most upset about. I was born and raised wanting to feel loved and accepted and I never felt like he gave that to me and then i went around and acted and believed things in his benefit...all because I just wanted to be loved and I never got that, all I did was benefit him by trying to have my needs filled. So I guess the long and the short of it is, no matter what I do/believe/accept from others it will never be enough to make me feel loved by them. Because the love cannot come from them really, it has to come from me putting the plug in the drain and letting the bathtub fill up inside me. And if i had just done that much much sooner, like at 12 or something like that, i would have seen through all the bullshit because i wouldn't have been seeking his love and approval to the point of blindness. I don't have to do anything, feel anything, say anything to deserve and be worthy of love. Just existing is the reason to love and be loved. 

I had to post on here for this insight to come out. I wrote a post on the hate forum saying my peace and how I'm gonna just remove myself from the online hate situation and that I have done my best to forgive my dad and realize that he is just doing the best he can with his current perspective but also that we should keep in mind that obvious mistakes are not obvious to the person making the mistake. I think that's something we often forget. Common sense is really not that common. And an outside perspective can be useful in some ways but we cant ever know everything if we just keep focusing on the normal ways of perceiving. Ok I didnt say all that because honestly an online hate forum cant handle deep truths but I did say a bit about seeing the world from others points of view and try to think harder about why it's ok to judge people. I got 2 lunacy and an optimistic rating so far. It's fine I understand it will probably not be well received on such a platform but it needed some light on there for sure and I'm not afraid to be that one person speaking out amongst the rest. Maybe others are thinking the same thing and didn't have the courage to be the first one to stand up, but now I'm that person so any others who agree can find courage to change as well. Maybe that's part of my purpose here. I'm glad I decided to write this post, after posting on the hate forum I felt drained and bummed and super sad and I wasn't really sure what was going on. I think part of me is afraid of things getting out of hand, of them misunderstanding me, and even launching a crusade against me. I'm not perfect, I'm well aware of my many flaws and I really don't like when people want to discuss them and make judgments about them but whatever here it is. I've done it many times myself so I guess it's just deserved.

[phoenixrising]

Ugh I knew I shouldn't have bothered looking at what replies I was going to get on that other site. Lots of judgemental remarks, of course. ? what did I really expect? These types can't handle a message of love and peace, of course they're going to twist it around and make judgements about me. If they didn't make judgements then they would have to seriously consider what I'm saying. Ok knowing that I think I should be able to handle whatever they say.

[phoenixrising]

Literally shaking with rage right now. It's one thing to try to learn to deal with criticism but when I see that someone who thinks they know me, spouts off their stupid and wrong opinion about me on a hate forum...that is too much. One thing I cannot stand is betrayal, and a secret betrayal is even worse.

 

This is what was said:

Quote

she’s never had a good, stable relationship with her dad. As an adult it seems like she’s bounced between being angry with him and not wanting much to do with him or wanting his approval/love and trying to establish a good relationship.

I thought the whole episode of leaving her old car for xxx was her trying to bribe him for a drip of attention and affection. He couldn’t be arsed to visit his grandchild but was ready to put in the effort for a free car. It was just another demonstration to me at what a POS xxx is. Daughter, Grandkids? Too busy, too broke, no time. Free car? He got his ass in gear and managed to travel, even though he could never seem to manage that to visit his daughter and grandkids.

I think she was quite angry and hurt that xxx had little interest in her and his grandchildren but was suddenly so invested in playing dad to new step-kids (only because he had dreams of fame and money). The guy who was an angry, indifferent father to her and who couldn’t get off his ass to visit his own daughter and grandchildren was now pretending to be Dad of the Year on FB and for a slimy TLC show. She had every right to be pissed and call out his BS.

But now all the drama has faded. The online cheering squad and new BFFs have moved on to their next online drama fest. A year on she’s left with an even more broken relationship with her shitty dad and caring for two (or three?) small children. Even though xxx is a selfish POS she still on some level wants him to be a dad and grandfather. He won’t ever be the supportive father she wants, but that doesn’t stop her from hoping or prevent her from believing his lies and BS for the 267th time.

My biggest concern was it seemed like she married young and quickly had several kids. Crappy or absent fathers tend to lead women to pick crappy boyfriends when they are young, some wise up, some don’t.
Getting married young (before she could have established career or gotten education/training) and quickly having two or three kids leaves a woman very dependent upon a husband. If husband ends up to be a shithead or lazy, she’s caught between a rock and a hard place.

I hope that’s not her situation and by some miracle she married a decent stable guy who is a good husband and father...and can hold a job. But young wives with kids, who don’t beat the odds in the young marriage department, look for help and support anywhere they can get it. But xxxx could probably easily waltz right back into her life and be forgiven if she’s in a rocky relationship or gets divorced. Shitty dads can look start looking a lot better after a few years with a shitty husband.

This person doesnt even know HOW MANY KIDS I HAVE, how could they possibly know anything real about me? 

 

Other shit I don't really care about as much. They all think I'm defending him and I'm on his side and that I'm retarded and I'm attention seeking and that he has convinced me to forgive him or that I'm a narc or that I need help and he can help me. HE CANT HELP MEEEE WTF HE IS A USELESS POS. Ok its laughable really. He lives in a shit hole and squalor cuz he cant afford anything else & then they think he can help me or send me money? ??? sure just toss your own logic out the window when it suits you.

After talking to some loved ones and venting and getting feedback I feel a bit better. I didnt even talk about my true motivations with my loved ones, and my loved ones told me the intention I had. So obviously the people who do know me can see what I really intend and I feel better about that. I worry a lot about even my loved ones misunderstanding me. But I forget the only reason I'm misunderstood at all is because their level of conciousness is not open to accept anything other than what they believe. Leo is right, if you put yourself out there you are going to get a lot of negative comments about anything you do by people who are closed minded and unwilling to understand anything other than their own viewpoint. That is the way of the world and I need to get used to that fact, especially if I'm supposed to put myself out there any more in my path. 

All that anger aside, i really am grateful to the hate forum for the opportunity for growth and lessons. It would be so hard to grow if I never had to face any challenge. I can stay comfortable and stagnant or I can get uncomfortable and open myself up to being vulnerable and really change and grow. My ego would prefer the former but I pick the latter any day. 

Edited February 12, 2020 by phoenixrising

[Zigzag Idiot]

Being on the radar of people who think they know me, along with their projections from out of the first tier gossipy circuits,,, Its why I totally enjoy going to Walmart at 1:00am. ??‍♂️ 

[phoenixrising]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Being on the radar of people who think they know me, along with their projections from out of the first tier gossipy circuits,,, Its why I totally enjoy going to Walmart at 1:00am. ??‍♂️ 

Ha right, I used to do that too before I had so many kids lol. I enjoy being a night person I think partly because most people used to be sleeping at night. Not the case anymore, internet haters are 24/7.

[phoenixrising]

This was a test and I failed a little bit (I defended myself some) but not as fully as I used to do in the past. So progress. Baby steps. This work certainly isn't easy but I will keep going and not give up. 

The other night I was meditating and I saw beautiful sunflowers made out of moving lights kept flashing around. Sunflowers are synchronistic for me, and they mean "FOLLOW THE LIGHT" <3 What's important right now for me is walking the walk and not talking the talk so much (which is hard I love talking lol). I read the introductions (again) for Power of Now and Power Vs Force and read over their awakening stories several times. I find it quite interesting there was a very similar type of vibe to it. Eckhart Tolle said after his awakening he spent 2 years basically on a park bench marveling at the beauty of everything. Can you imagine Eckhart Tolle looking like a bum on the street with no belongings and no attachments and just absolutely nothing and sitting there smiling? He must have looked insane. And David Hawkins said he was a recluse for a long time after his awakening. I guess it really does take some time to integrate some of this stuff before you're ready to use it. I know I'm jumping the gun a lot, but I just want to help people so badly

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by phoenixrising

[SilentTears]

Wow, I really like the way you type. I just mean I see positivity and love. 

Anyways, I saw your journal a while ago and I had wanted to add on to that tarot card. I personally tend to just find a YouTube video and ask my spirt guides, angels and archangels to guide me to the right video and if they have "pick a card" then help on choosing the right card. I usually get very accurate information. Just the other day I got drawn to three different videos all saying the same thing, some may call this "coincidence" or whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I do if you were interested. 

Also thanks for sharing that one channel chakraboosters. I literally just wondered how to fix the blockage in my heart chakra and I saw your post. 

Have a great day and I can see the love in you. 

[phoenixrising]

On 2/18/2020 at 6:48 PM, SilentTears said:

Wow, I really like the way you type. I just mean I see positivity and love. 

Anyways, I saw your journal a while ago and I had wanted to add on to that tarot card. I personally tend to just find a YouTube video and ask my spirt guides, angels and archangels to guide me to the right video and if they have "pick a card" then help on choosing the right card. I usually get very accurate information. Just the other day I got drawn to three different videos all saying the same thing, some may call this "coincidence" or whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I do if you were interested. 

Also thanks for sharing that one channel chakraboosters. I literally just wondered how to fix the blockage in my heart chakra and I saw your post. 

Have a great day and I can see the love in you. 

Thank you that's so nice of you. and I love synchronicity like that! I pretty much know that my guides know me well enough, they'll put a message for me in a video that I'll be drawn to watch. Basically any content I consume has a message for me so I just pay attention to what I'm drawn to and listen for the message! (of course I'll know it when I feel it) I do this with everything that happens also. And you're welcome I hope it helps. I love chakraboosters, she is very divine feminine which I need in my life haha. ????? namaste! I see the love in you also!

_________

I've taken some time off from writing online & even stopped communicating over text as much as possible since my last post. I'm trying to get in touch with my inner being. I've been reading "new earth" by eckhart tolle and I find it even more profound than "power of now". Power of now makes me feel like enlightenment is boring and dull but new earth shows that it's not that different than how I am now, just less dysfunctional because I let the dysfunction pass through me instead of clinging to it. Dysfunction is normal! But that doesn't mean I have to act on it. ? I'm trying to practice living meditation where I focus on breath and body instead of thought forms. To my understanding this is the easiest/hardest way to enlightenment because just focusing on pure awareness will melt away dysfunction in the mind but it will be scary and uncomfortable as well as difficult to maintain focus on no-mind/breath. This difficulty compounds with the amount of distractions you have in life which for me is high with 4 young children but that just means i have even more catalyst to my awakening! I'm doing this for my kids. Because they deserve a parent who understands and embraces their (the parent's) own dysfunction and thus can unconditionally love them (the child). If that's the only point to life, to learn to love unconditionally, then I'm going to do it in a way that will be easy to teach my kids as they get older. Because this way is straightforward, no nonsense and no bullshit to remember. Which is best because the whole point is to empty us of self to make room for divine self to even shine through. Like polishing up a mirror, just wipe away the grime that's in the way of letting us shine. ✌????

Yes it all sounds so easy and I realize it will be hard at times and that's ok. I don't care! I'm just glad that I'm on this journey at all. I'm thankful for all my struggles that have led me to this place of having had enough of the crap and being willing to change and have a new experience. ???

[phoenixrising]

I got another comment back about the thing I said about my dad. They said something along the lines of this: You calling abuse a mistake worries me about your mental state and your ability to parent your own children.

And while I appreciate that they are "worried" for my children, I recognize that they are not in fact worried about my own children, they are worried about themselves and imagining themselves as a child and projecting themselves into the image of my imagined child and imagining me as mentally unstable crazy person who lets people abuse people (because they genuinely believe that's what I mean when I say "forgive") and after realizing this my anger literally melted away. Like even now as I am typing this out my anger is melting away and leaving my body. I can forgive this person for their point of view because, in their thought-form, it makes sense. But from my thought-form, it does not make sense since I do not mean that "forgiveness" means "yes please abuse people more". It, in fact, means the opposite. It means: "You are doing bad things but YOU are not evil, you are just misguided and acting out unhealthy patterns because that is all you know." But it should not stop there, it should go further and extend a hand and say, "there is a way out of all this madness you just haven't seen it yet, follow me." And that is the way of the universe in a nutshell. Forever extending a helping hand to the parts of itself that have succumbed to madness (identifying with thought-forms and mistaking that for the True Self).

The internet is a convoluted place, there is so much good information out there but so filled with judgment also. Judgment is so sneaky most people don't even realize they are doing it. I'm trying to avoid exposing myself to people judging each other because it just bums me out right now. I can understand why they are doing it and feel for them but also I just want everyone to stop doing it so much, myself included! Maybe that's why it's bothering me because I am actively working really hard to catch myself and stop myself from judging myself and others and I just see it thrown about so carelessly online. It's just too easy to sling harmful words and make judgmental posts and get people to argue and debate and pick a side and fight to defend their side to death! People don't usually bother doing this in person anymore, no that would take way too much courage and our society seems to be lacking most healthy expressions right now. This thought was triggered by some stuff I saw on reddit actually discussing if Leo is a megalomaniac or really enlightened. But even asking that question calls in ego because you are now judging him and comparing him and going through to pick out evidence that supports one claim or the other. It's sad that they are totally missing the point. The point is to accept Leo as he is, flaws and all because that is the whole point of life. If we can't accept @Leo Gura (an internet talking head that most of us will likely never even talk to in real life or anything etc) fully then how the hell does one expect to accept someone close to us that we have personal baggage with? How can one expect to get over all the trauma and BS and abuse and hurts in personal relationships if one can't even unconditionally love a stranger who puts out videos to help people (even for his haters who don't think it's helpful....it helps at least 1 person that is enough). I'm glad I've realized this and I honestly didn't think the answer would really be this simple but it is. All this new information I'm reading about or learning about in general is helpful and good to know and interesting but the most profound of things are the simplest. Which is why I often refer directly to the phrases of Jesus or other short and profound bible quotes like "Be still and know that I am". so true. 

I have figured out the phrase "lose yourself in the moment", it finally clicked in my head that is BEING. That phrase itself describes how to BE. Now to just apply that 24/7 even when "bored" or whatever negative filter my mind wants to put on me at the time.

Edited February 26, 2020 by phoenixrising