Hints of Depersonalization after meditation - NEED HELP

[arlin]

Hi guys, i always worked on myself and lately i wanted to explore more the effects of past traumas and how they are reflected in my current life problems. So i thought to go deeper and i discovered the work of a man called Michael Brown, and basically he wrote a book called the Presence Process and it's basically a process of meditation using conscious connected breathing (Which i did fast) and a mantra "I am here now in this". It's intention is to go into the emotional body where traumas are held and integrate them by being present with them.

I decided to give it a try. I have meditated before, but never used this kind of connected breathing (without pauses). It's similar to holotropic breath. I did it 2 times a day.

After breathing that way, i felt very dizzy and my head spinning. And tingling sensations through my body.

The day after i began feeling detached from my thoughts and actions, like internally it was going all by itself and i was just an observer who had to endure it. I felt like i was not living in this world anymore.

More importantly, i felt like my past was not real and the perception of cause and effect collapsed.

Normally, let's say you would decide to do something and then feel like it had a consequence on you. For example, you brush your teeth and then, maybe 1 hour later you look at the mirror and they are brighter and they feel nicer to your tongue.

Me, if i would had that experience, looking at the mirror, i would feel like it was not me that washed the teeth, it just happend.

Like i have no ownership of it. None. Or it was not me that made the decision, it was another me.

I stopped meditating that way and actually today is the first day without and i noticed some improvements.

But i am capable of feeling detached from  my thinking. Most importantly, my reactions.

I feel my reactions are not mine. For example, something unexpected would make me lough and i am able to feel emotions, i would lough and it would feel nice, and 1 second later pause and have that vague feeling that i don't own my reaction. It just happend.

 

 

Now, the author has warned that by doing this process, it's possible to experience sensations that can't ever be recognized with the thinking mind, and that it's possible to have experience when you feel "You are out of control" or what is happening is concerning and to be feared. But he also says that the first time through the process (Which lasts in total 10 weeks), you don't access immediatly the emotional body, you have to pass through the physical body first.

But i experienced this symptoms just 1 day after and it's been concerning to me enough to stop.

Now i am left feeling that the decisions that i make for my life are not my own, like i am in a dream and life is just passing throgh me. Although i feel i have control over my actions right now in this moment, and i can think and elaborate of what to type in the keyboard.

I think of something and immediatly, i become aware of it and i detach from it. However, today i did not meditate and it has improved a little.

What can i do to feel back normal again? I used to ruminate a lot about my problems, and i always would have a racing mind. I think part of it is that i didn't give myself rest, and i obsessed a lot about the future.

[arlin]

Has anybody had the same kind of experiences?

[Lento]

From my experience, these kinds of experiences can turn toxic if one is not aware of them. The key point of experiencing them is to make the rational mind aware of its own futility and limits, but that is it. There's nothing to be taught or gained from chasing those experiences besides understanding the limitations of the mind. So, be aware.

Healing basically requires going egoic. Socialise more, join some church or charity, work more, avoid solitude, etc... Ultimately, you need to be seeking balance. But for now, some increase in the ego can be good for you. Ground yourself in the body more, exercise more, walk more.

In brief, try to do the same things that other "low consciousness" people do and enjoy. Do what the egos do, and you will grow back an ego. Only this time a better, and more aware one.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Lento

[Spaceofawareness]

1 hour ago, arlin said:

Has anybody had the same kind of experiences?

Yes. When it first happened to me I was thrown, like you. The detachment was noticeable, actions seemed to happen on their own, thoughts, reactions. For me it lasted a few months, but that was because I encouraged the process, as along with the detachment comes great internal space, peace and even joy.

After those few months it faded and my person came back into the centre.

Try not to be too rattled by this state, try to gain something from it, as it is actually a kind of divine luck that you came upon it. It will not last, so you don’t need to worry there. If you don’t continue the breathing, and reject the state, the ego will soon take over again and you will be back to the same old you.

[Red-White-Light]

@arlin I have depersonalization. It's can be scary when you start to become detached from yourself. I just treat the self as a pet that I need to take care of. It's not actually a problem when you realize you can still function.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Red-White-Light

[arlin]

@Spaceofawareness oh god thank you. I appreciated your aswer because it resonated. 1 question tho:

Why did you became detatched from yourself? What did you practice? 

[Spaceofawareness]

@arlin more focusing on the breath during the day, focusing on the body while doing repetitive tasks, also practicing self inquiry, questioning who belonged to these thoughts, reactions etc, one day I just noticed thoughts were happening, and I felt I was a different one watching them.

[arlin]

@Spaceofawareness  You were right about the "benefits". 

Going through that kind of experience is horrible but, i already lerned a ton from it. Yesterday, i begun crying desperatly begging to have myself again. I realized now i am processing deep emotions of grief. This morning a was listening to a song i used to listen in order to get in touch with myselt again. Yes, i grieved. And there is still more to process. But i am finding that my thought process belongs to me, and i am slowly returning to myself. Every time i catch myself being inside myself, i begin to cry. I can see mistakes i made in the past and regrets, such as taking myself for granted. I can see how i can develop self love, and reborn into myself. 

This is a very crazy experience. 

It is surreal. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by arlin