Just a little bit of love

[SilentTears]

I have just woken up and taken a shower. Things work in wonderful ways. 

Journal, 

meditation: yesterday none

mood: I have a bit of monkey mind

some goals for this week, 

1) dedicate 20 min to meditation 

2) do some learning at least 1 min a day

3) Watch 1 of Leo’s videos 

4) read for at least 1 min a day, non-fiction

5) create a sleep schedule.

6) be more loving

7) become more vulnerable

7) Calm the moment mind

7) Create a healthier diet and work out

p.s, did 7’s on purpose 

 

 

Edited March 31, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

I was thinking, people really do use the mind as a write off to not inspect their thoughts. 

Im gunna start doing weekly goals, which I will address at the beginning and end of the week.

 

[SilentTears]

Why can I physically feel others aggression. Being around anyone I start to embody their energy. 

I am not blaming them as I don’t know why that is. I have to do energy clearing visualizations. Then I feel so peaceful and grounded in my own energy. 

I did one while writing this and I feel so much love. Everyone is so perfect. How can I switch perspectives. There is no perspectives to switch. There is only now. Our love. Lots of love. Little bit of love. 

 

[SilentTears]

What is love? Honestly my love life needs change. 

Emotions really fuck with how I think. My rational side is thrown out the window and I just am. 

I learned how to channel emotions throughout my body right before I went to sleep earlier today. I was sending the energy from my gut to other parts of my body half asleep. Hahha. 

I loved this one girl for over a year and I'm 99% sure she loves me back. It's been really complicated this last year about that. Having the dark night of the soul made me go groundless and push everyone away. I suffered a lot. I'm better now, just so much has happened. 

I randomly select tarot card readings if my intuition is strongly pulling me to the videos and I always get the same answers. Its literally the same words getting thrown at me over and over again.

life seems to keep making me develop socially and emotionally. It makes me feel like I'm crazy and pushes me to my limits before everything calms down and I love and have peace. Only for it to repeat itself. 

Even my old best friend noticed this, us seekers can not leave this path. If you leave this path then the universe really fucks you up till you get back on the path.

...

Some old friends of mine from over a year ago started messaging me. I ended up joining a discord chat and had so much fun. 

In the middle of talking with them a girl sent me pics of her face and I wrote a reply back complimenting her, however I heard a strong voice in my head saying "if you say this she will like you, do you want that". 

Some back story is that whenever I feel this emotion in my gut and hear this voice it always turns out to be true. I have this inner voice I ask questions and if answers me. 

I ended up changing what I said, it just kinda bugs me, You know? 

 

Edited April 1, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

A lot of my past is coming up these past few days. 

I had a dream a few days ago where I was with this girl and she told me “you cannot be yourself, because you are trying to be someone for everyone else”. She didn’t say those exact words(she worded it in a way perfect for me), however in the dream she said it when I was being a curtain way because of the people around me. It was a pure message for me to realize. 

I started to notice how I act and react around people. I always got along better with girls growing up and I think it’s because I knew that if I responded a curtain way with words, tone, body language etc, I would get positive reactions. 

When I was little everyone used to say I was “cute”. I will often hear stories of me manipulating all the girls(And women) around me to get what I wanted at the ages from 3-7 or smth. 

 

[SilentTears]

Journal,

meditation: 

mood: at peace

notes:

1) my mind is quiet. 

2) at first there was a lot of judgements of and for myself from what I posted before. "I should have said it this way" you know, money mind.

3) I went for a run, came home then took a cold shower now my mind is at peace. 

[SilentTears]

11 hours ago, modmyth said:

Are you a natural empath, or have you developed in this way over the course of years?

Hi there! Yeah, it's most definitely the second one. I just noticed this within the last few months. Whenever I go to a public place I easily get overwhelmed and throw fits with my family. Edit: okay, thinking about it I'm sure it's the first one, I just wasn't aware of it till recently and the more I develop in intuition and feeling energy the stronger this connection with energy becomes.

When I'm with my mother and she is feelings any pain I will also feel it. So let's say she has some pain in her arm and if I touch her at all I will feel it. Even when I don't know about the pain and when I ask her if she feels pain somewhere she will be "why do you always feel my pain?" Hahah. 

Also with texts, if I focus on them I can deeply feel people energy. Your so calm. (I have a hard time labeling emotions as it's so much more nuanced then just a label) yes, a great way to describe it would be feminine in nature. Kinda detached. Ugh, hahah just take the compliment. 

Like today I went to the market and I started to feel eneryones panic and fear which sucked, however when I got home I felt so happy again. 

There is this spiritual place that kinda saved me. I mean I fell off my path for quite a while and when I went there I felt deep peace and my awareness increased to where I could start walking my path again. So it's cool in that aspect. 

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

I really enjoyed your whole second post. @modmyth That's exactly it. 

Journal, 

meditation: I didn't set a timer and just intuitively felt when to stop.

mood: I feel very childish right now, as well as a sense of excitement/ nervousness. 

1) I feel really good right now which is nice and I love this forum. I haven't been feeling authentic in my body lately and just coming on here helped me feel like myself.

2) I remember Mandy talking about how she can just know what to read when going over text and I do the same exact thing. I know what to read and what not to read when reading on this forum or really anywhere. I have tested it out and if I go against my intuition it shots me out of this flow of being/energy. 

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

10 hours ago, modmyth said:

Are you a natural empath, or have you developed in this way over the course of years? I think it's natural to feel this way if you are sensitive or an empath. I've felt this way since I was a young child, and I have known quite a few others personally who have felt this way as well. Just overall, extremely sensitive to changes or disharmony in others or their environment.

Haha I figured it out why I'm feeling this way(at the same time I'm not sure why). When I read this I got super nervous and felt it in my gut. So odd. It's not what you said, however whenever I read it I feel this way!

it starts from the second sentence and I don't even have to read this but focus on it and I get nervous like I'm gunna ask out a girl or something like that. T-T do you know why? 

[SilentTears]

I also see that my energy this past week has been uncomfortably unconscious. I was reading my posts these past few days and I'll start to silently criticize myself. I know how easily it is to feel good and get grounded in my energy, yet I was unconsciously throwing around words and I felt very repulsed by it. 

I started to read modmyth's journal and I could feel the slowness of her words. I read word for word slowly and calmly. Yet, my energy is so fast paced, the complete opposite. 

God, I need a retreat to just collect my scattered energy 

Edit: I felt like I was making to many posts so I'll just edit. This is odd to say, however from just talking to modmyth and reading her journal(the little I did) I feel complete. Like myself. I feel like myself, which hasn't happened lately. I feel calm and I don't care about anything. 

Judgemetns droped, I kinda don't wanna speak so that's it for now. 

Edited April 4, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

Fuck it, I lied. Here is a new post. So, some shift most definitely took place. I'm gunna contribute this to modmyth . I always loved being humble and giving credit to others growing up and even now as I love seeing people happy. Sometimes I'll get glimpses of my childhood. I don't remember much of it If it's from more then two years ago. It's kinda just a collection of random memories and thoughts. Not sure what's what. 

Hahha, when I wasn't being a little shit overwhelmed I did everything out of love for others(most of the time). I knew that by doing well for others it made me happy and that's why I was the class clown growing up from elementary through middle school. 

I just love everyone. My childhood is just from my mothers word. I don't remember much besides loving everyone and making others happy. I wonder how much I have done that has been been forgotten. Kinda cool. 

I honestly cannot remember stuff from past. Sometimes I'll get downloads of imagines, emotions, and memories of it. I remember hearing from others that people that have had tramtic childhoods have this too. I had a kinda rough childhood, but overall it was fairly pleasant so I wonder why...okay I know why. It's only happened a few times, but when I remember my childhood it's overwhelming to experience it. It was kinda stressful. 

This is so cool, I just mean my current energy. It brings lot of pleasant memories back. Also a lot of my old ideas. Like, I remember times I've felt "cool". Okay, so I once channeled energy through my eyes and looked at this girl and I got this super unexpected reaction of a girl seeing her crush. Like, For some reason I intuitively know how to respond to girls to get them to like me or I can make it much deeper. However I never had a girlfriend as I'm just not interested. I have been before, however if I ever want one it comes from this neediness which repulses the other. 

I once just let myself be playful around this one girl and when she got up for a second my friend was like "dude, I've never seen someone so smooth, wtf" hahaha. I never take it past the initial state of becoming more then friends. There is this huge lack of caring of that what so ever. 

That interests me. I have never had a girl friend yet I act like I know. Maybe it's just dillusion as I have never experienced it, however I can intuitively feel how dense the energy is to tell when to stop. Like there is this point and I know if I cross it then it will be a relationship. 

Hahah have a goodnight y'all! Take care of yourself and love yourselfs like no tomorrow *mubles to myself* "there really is no such thing as tomorrow as it's a concept"  I'm joking and just enjoy yourselfs! 

[SilentTears]

55 minutes ago, modmyth said:

What does it mean to be you?

To describe it would never give it justice. Like spiritual truths, in a sense. I have gotten pretty deep in my realizations to where I know there is no "I". I am love, yet I am nothing. At that moment, however I felt natural. No thoughts, yet each movement had meaning.  

maybe it's just another trap of identifying with feelings/ energy. 

Its kinda hard to articulate each experience as they all happen within different perspectives or no psespectives at all. you know?

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

The power of presuggestion??

To respond to another post, if you've practiced alot of meditation, or even just dabbled in it, honestly you probably have become significantly more sensitive. Plus the energy of this Earth and society at large is quite changing quite rapidly...

What does presuggestion even mean? 

Yeah, definitely. Meditation and focusing on my ability to connect or control energy makes be super sensitive to others. 

Also, it's something that just happens when I'm around a few people(I mean I sometimes start to heat up in different areas of my body). Different people/ places cause different reactions to me. I wonder if you have experienced this yourself. 

Different chakras will become active when I talk to spiritual people. Like when I spoke to you my solar plexus gave off lots of heat. When I went to this spiritual place my crown, heart, and solar plexus all reacted. And when I first replied to you (today) my head heated up. 

When speaking to people at my school I will start to use vocabulary I usually don't and I've figured out I speak based off of someone's energy unconsciously. My vocabulary changes for each individual that may be why I always tend to connect with people very easily. 

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

I find this so very hard to relate to. One of my exes, who I dated for years, said that he remembered almost nothing before the age of 10. Whereas for myself, everything that I do remember well, I remember with absolute crystal clarity. Like it could have happened yesterday or 5 minutes ago, even though it happened when I was 5. I thought maybe it was because he had a very traumatic childhood, but then so was mine, maybe it's just a matter of people with different dispositions and psychological orientations reacting in different ways.. Honestly I have no idea, and I'm super curious.

This is so interesting! Maybe your special hahaha. Honestly, I don't know. Like, even though something could have happened five minutes ago it's still kinda fuzzy. I can remember and articulate it with words perfectly as they just flow to me, however I cannot visualize the experience like you describe. Which is quite odd, as I'll have crystal clear visualizations when I visualize. 

[SilentTears]

2 hours ago, modmyth said:

DON'T DO IT; IT'S A TRAP

This made me laugh more then I expected lol. 

Journal, 

meditation: 20 min

mood: I feel detached, I've felt detached before when I first taped into feminine energy. That's when I dropped all addictions and had no clue what to do with my life. 

Notes

1) god, feeling detached helps beat addictions, however it conflicts with my masculine ambitions and passion. 

2) just yesterday I was realizing how easy I take it in life, I don't push myself like I used too. I am just living. I got sick of it so I cut all distractions besides music and spent my day just listening to music. I would get random burts of anger which is odd as I never get angry. My friends even make jokes about how I don't believe in anger since they have only ever seen the peaceful playful side from me. I'm thinking it came from the lack of addictions and I was having a negative reaction. 

3) my heart feels empty. 

 

 

 

Edited April 5, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

17 minutes ago, modmyth said:

does dreaming in colour take up too much bandwidth?

Lmao hahaha I can't stop laughing. 

For the past few weeks I've been having vivid dreams. Kinda embarrassing, but these days I've been having wet dreams. 

I think having vivid dreams has to do something with my sexual energy, because for most of my life I almost never had dreams. Now I will wake up remembering how things felt and the emotions I experienced. 

18 minutes ago, modmyth said:

You seem very... responsive.

I hope that's a compliment 

[SilentTears]

 

24 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Oh, presuggestion just means that someone gives you an idea about what they know to be true, or even what they believe might be true. And so you yourself are more likely to think it's true as result, or you look for evidence that it's true because you're open to the idea.

It's generally believed, for example, that presuggestion is necessary is order for hypnosis or self hypnosis to work.

Oh, and thank you for explaining 

[SilentTears]

I'm noticing how my auto reaction is to shut negative thoughts out. For the past few days I've been having negative thoughts come in my experience and when I resist them it makes them worse. It's like fear, which I'm not used to. 

I am learning how to accept them and allow them as they do not have power. I just get scared that I may be manifesting something unwanted. I'm even scared to write this as I think "what if I manifest something I don't want". Who cares? If anything comes it comes. I should learn to enjoy everything and be content. Honestly, just writing this helped so much with my thoughts. I felt a release of resistance and I feel so good. I was so scared that I held it all in which made me suffer for no reason! 

im just spilling my inner thoughts *bleh* how disgusting. I notice how I never say anything negative after learning about the law of attraction. Honestly, being open and speaking my mind helps me feel much better then trying to make everything perfect. Stupid  

 

[SilentTears]

This song just feels good right now. I’m kinda sad. I wanna cry. I don’t know why I’m emotional. I feel empty. That’s fine. 

My energy changes all the time. Sometimes I love so much I could die. Other times I just feel really good. Maybe someday I will know the answer to all my questions. What am I? I say I know. But who knows. I know nothing. 

i feel hurt. By my parents. Why am I sensitive? Lol, idk. I usually just brush off everything as I’m in a good mood and I don’t care enough to get out of my good mood. But now I’m hurt. My chest hurts. My heart hurts. It’s caved in on itself energetically. 

Yesterday I was playing with my heart. Opening and closing and now I just feel like it’s broken. Hahah don’t you just love emotions? 

Growing up I was told constantly to stop being a bitch and be a man. If I was sensitive my parents would tell me not to act like that. Even now. I kinda just shut off the more feminine side of myself.

I love all aspects of myself. Just it hurts. 

I was rejected for being myself and now when I ever embody feminity I feel so disgusted. Lol so maybe I got to learn how to love myself. 

just speaking this through text has helped. I noticed that when I opened up, my head started to heat up. I started to remember some memories of my ex best friend. He helped me a lot on this path but I couldn’t stand his feminine side so I left. It would trigger me. I couldn’t listen. I wouldn’t listen. I hated that energy. Whenever I see someone that reminds me of myself I hate them. And I never hate. I never ever hate. Throughout my whole life I loved everyone. Even if they did me wrong 100x over I would forgive them and I couldn’t hate. Trust me, I tried hating growing up but couldn’t. I would forgive so fast and everything would be fine. Not when I see myself in others. 

Which is odd, as I always thought I loved myself. I get so defensive. I seek attention. I always love when others praise me and that’s all I ever have gotten all my life. By  literally  Everyone I ever meet “your so intelligent” “your handsome” “blah blah” just validation from others. And when I see others get some I’m happy. I love giving validation to others as I know how good it feels. It’s just, why do I hate it when someone that shares an aspect with me gets the same.  Deep down I’m so happy for them and idc. Just I feel left out. 

Hahaha this has to be the deepest I’ve gone on this journal so far. 

Omg, I just had an insight onto why I am always seeking feminine love. My mother... wtf. I didn’t feel I got enough love for being myself so I started seeking it from other sources like girls. That’s why I act the way I do. That’s why I had that dream. (I had a dream where this girl told me that just by letting go of trying to be “cool” for others, okay girls, I would be more attractive then I ever have been.)

so much unconscious baggage came up from writing this journal.

[SilentTears]

Haha holy shit, i guess I just purged so much shit by writing that journal. Holy shit. No one knows how much that was influencing my life. Like now I would have changed the way I speak to fit others or what I believe to be what others like to get the response of validation I unconsciously sought. 

I listen to so much Japanese music. Growing up I listened to a lot of rock then when I hit high school my friend got me into metal. I like it, but I only ever truly listened to it when I was with him. 

I’m more into peaceful music like John Lennon- imagine (such a fucken great song) 

Edited April 6, 2020 by SilentTears

[SilentTears]

Music is love

journal

meditation : yes

mood : double yes, maybe a triple haha

my thoughts:

1) intention is so powerful. Masinfesting is amazing. I'm seeing how I manifested everything. Sometimes I'll unconsciously shoot out something great and I'll get it at the perfect time. Okay everthing comes st the perfect time. 

2) I can so indeprh with music. Like I can zoom into it with awareness and fall into it. If that makes sense. It's like falling down a whole expect I have complete illusionary control. It's the same with visualization. 

When I was a kiddo back in the days I would day dream 24/7 during all my classes from elementary to highscool. I still have the abitly to quickly zoom into these structures I could build. Reality would quickly fade, even with my eyes open I wouldn't be completely aware of "this" I was aware of another reality. I was somewhere else. I could and can visualize to such an extent that I will start to feel my visualizations. Like if I take a first person perspective and do something I will be able to feel it. Physically and emotionally. 

3,4,5... infinity) love yourself! Love life! Cause... why not? Hahah 

[SilentTears]

Stop thinking and just feel