Severe depression after 1 year meditation and recent therapy

[Ya know]

I've built up to a 1 hour per day meditation habit that I've abandoned the last two days out of depression. I've also been going to therapy which has involved forgiving my abusers which has made me feel like absolute shit.

Does anyone have any advice? My mind feels genuinely fucked and I don't want to do anything at all. I feel like quitting my job and doing nothing for the next 100 years. Killing myself would be good but I don't have access to a gun, so my options are lame. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

I would start with loving and accepting yourself with where you are. You dont want to do anything at all? Then dont. Lay in bed all day and love yourself hard. I like to give myself hugs. When you do have inspiration to do something, do not wait a moment and grab that opportunity. Try your best not to judge yourself, like saying what you're doing isn't good enough. Even the smallest thing counts, like maybe you meditate for one minute. 

Care for your body, like if you enjoy showers, smelling good, having clean sheets, getting fresh air, do that type of stuff, if you can

If you forgive people and you feel bad about it that may not be true forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time, if you aren't ready, then dont. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are allowed the time to figure that out. 

[Gili Trawangan]

42 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I would start with loving and accepting yourself with where you are. You dont want to do anything at all? Then dont. Lay in bed all day and love yourself hard. I like to give myself hugs. When you do have inspiration to do something, do not wait a moment and grab that opportunity. Try your best not to judge yourself, like saying what you're doing isn't good enough. Even the smallest thing counts, like maybe you meditate for one minute. 

Care for your body, like if you enjoy showers, smelling good, having clean sheets, getting fresh air, do that type of stuff, if you can

If you forgive people and you feel bad about it that may not be true forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time, if you aren't ready, then dont. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are allowed the time to figure that out. 

This is excellent advice. Just reinforcing it for you. All the best, it WILL get better.

[Ya know]

2 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I would start with loving and accepting yourself with where you are. You dont want to do anything at all? Then dont. Lay in bed all day and love yourself hard. I like to give myself hugs. When you do have inspiration to do something, do not wait a moment and grab that opportunity. Try your best not to judge yourself, like saying what you're doing isn't good enough. Even the smallest thing counts, like maybe you meditate for one minute. 

Care for your body, like if you enjoy showers, smelling good, having clean sheets, getting fresh air, do that type of stuff, if you can

If you forgive people and you feel bad about it that may not be true forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time, if you aren't ready, then dont. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are allowed the time to figure that out. 

 Thanks. I probably rushed into the forgiveness thing which has really fucked me. My therapist recommended writing a letter forgiving everything which has ruined my mood. I had an insane rage while meditating that followed me breaking down and crying. That was two days ago and I've felt depressed ever since. 

 

I called in sick for work and now I'm just lying in bed. I don't really know what else to do but I've been on the verge of tears for days. I know I "shouldnt" be a victim and I've maintained good habits for so long but I just want to eliminate them all and forget about ever trying to improve because of the pain it's caused. 

 

Ps. I wrote this. It's an excerpt of a bigger piece.

"The horizon is ever expanding and ceaseless as a child growing up and being tormented at every opportunity, without purpose. Years seem like decades in those formative years. Seconds like minutes, minutes like hours, hours days. So if you have the misfortune of growing up with a monster who everyone sees as an angel, you are in for a horrific ride. Placed inside an ever turning  hourglass as you are perpetually disorientated with grains of sand abrasively scratching you, rubbing your skin raw. Crying out for help but no one hearing your incased in glass. Ignored at every opportunity as this creature has its toy. Shaking it, throwing it around the room, verbally abusing it, doing whatever it's horrible reptile heart desires."

[Treetalk]

Ya know - hang on in there. If you can’t do anything, don’t. If you can’t go to work, I suggest you’re signed off on sick leave until you get yourself back together again. That’s if you have understanding employers. Then, sit with the pain. It will pass, I promise. Basically do what the flower fairy suggests. In the long term I recommend developing awareness that the wounded you isn’t all of you - it’s how you were conditioned to be. Then try and rediscover who you really are. Best wishes. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@Ya know if you feel like a victim, just accept that reality and dont worry if you should or shouldn't. Thanks for sharing your writing, I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood and I bet you could use it for something good