Enjoying Depession

[Forrest Adkins]

I noticed in myself the strange tendency to enjoy pitying myself and being depressed. I dont really enjoy it on the surface and want relief but deep down I dont want to let it go.

Usually people start drinking or doing drugs when they are depressed to get some relief, but I am often so depressed I wouldnt want to even drink a beer or meet friends because I fear it might cheer me up. The same with spiritual techniques that would make me feel more positive but I choose not to do them I feel so identifyed with being depressed that if I suddenly felt better I fear it would be fake, not the real me. After all Ive been depressed all week about this and that and now Im suddenly happy as if its all gone away in an instant, that wouldnt seem right. One day everything is bullshit, the next day everything is great and not a problem - where is the consistency you know? Cant I have one single objective thought about my situation? I usually just sit around and watch whats going on in my body until I feel neutral again.

 

Does anybody know what I am talking about and can give me some insight into this? Thanks

Edited January 30, 2020 by Forrest Adkins

[Eph75]

Just like excessive negative thinking can make you addicted to feeding your mind with negative stuff which keeps the cycle going, you can get addicted to making yourself stay feeling depressed. I myself in the past with a long going depression I used to binge watch depressing movies and it made me feel numb - which felt better in a miserable way. Probably because I identified with the misery. Doing something that was considered fun was horrible as it was forcing me to feel like I had to/was supposed to enjoy that thing. Birthdays was the worse, since there was no getting away from family members celibrating me. I just wanted to be alone and be full of myself and my misery. 

It's things like this that makes it so hard to get out of long going/deep depression. The mind just wants to keep wallowing in its miserable state. 

What you're experiencing is maybe something similar? 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Eph75

[Moreira]

I've seen lot of depressed people whom their depression becomes their comfort zone, they are ok in these state and whenever somebody try to help them its impossible. Its a very easy state, self pity, blaming external reasons for your circumstance...

And the body and mind tends to homeostesis. So the only way to leave the depression is to find a purpose more valuable than your comfort.

[Forrest Adkins]

@Eph75 yes this sounds indeed very simmilar. 

[Nahm]

@Forrest Adkins As Mrs. Williamson says...(heavily paraphrasing here)...it’s how fucking awesome you are, your intrinsic potential to live the life of your dreams...to feel how you want to feel...to have everything you want to have...which the fear is of. Not made up notions of things, darkness, etc. The most effective approach in my own experience and in talking with others, for depression, is to see how you are recreating it moment by moment, with belief & perspective. Nothing of anxiousness or depression can continue, once properly investigated, because it’s totally fake, bullshit, being made up. This is The Good News...Truth. 

[MAYA EL]

@Nahm  I believe what you're referring to is called sadness and not depression as Jordan Peterson says "if you sit down lay out all the facts write down all the reasons and when you're done you can't find any actual reason for sadness or for depression then as long as there's no reason for depression you might have depression but if there's a reason for your depression then that's called unfortunate circumstances and sadness".

[Treetalk]

Cypres- beautifully explained. Thank you. 

[Forrest Adkins]

2 hours ago, cypres said:

You feel better because you are being present with yourself in the depression, and it is making you become more unified. You're saying you sit and watch what's going on until you feel neutral, it means you gave it presence and it transformed. That is really hard for most people. I think it sounds like you're addressing it perfectly.

More unification = less inconsistency. Everyone has internal fragmentation because we disidentify with aspects of ourselves out of self-preservation. You described a split between depression and happiness. The different splits need integration (taking it as part of yourself, which you're doing when you are present with it) to act as one unit again.

Thank you