My Conflict of Equilibrium, Ego, Passion, Goals and Failure

[Santhiphap]

I am aware that the problems I am working on are probably pretty simple but you know how it goes when ego is putting itself in the spotlight. I have a quiet confused mind right now so please excuse the long read which purpose is mainly to structurize my thoughts a bit to be able to explain the situation.

And I know I should pick up my meditation habit again.. Anyway..

Lets take a step back to about 1-2 weeks ago. I had almost a week of days feeling totally fine. I have worked through so much stuff in the last couple months that it felt like I finally reached a state of complete inner equilibrium. My ego had nothing to complain, nothing to work for, nothing to put itself into the foreground. I can't remember a time when I have ever had this state as deeply and as long as this time.

I was happy but not in the sense of what most people think of being happy. It was all just ok as it is. Which led me to having and experience of getting a feeling for a little stage of awakening I think. I had many moments in which I felt like I could understand how everything of me and my surroundings is just this one unexplaineable conciousness. How everything I see, feel, hear etc. is being observed and how that observer could be everything itself. Usually I would start to have a deep loving feeling evolving in those moments forcing a smile upon my face.

Now obviously, I fell out of that experience.

The ego has lots of complains, one of them being the failure of staying in that state but I mean, thats not too bad, I have trust that that state will come back at the destined time. The other triggers of ego seem to be a very reoccurring thing all throughout my life which is why I am typing this.

Those triggers are usually (untrue-) goals and/or failures.

The last couple of years I have had the chance to almost live life from moment to moment. I mean, there are always tasks in life popping up that "must be done". Must be done in order to still be able to fit into society, must be done in order to "succeed". Things that must be done even though I'd rather do something that is coming right from the moment im in. And I feel like those are one of the biggest factors that throw me out of balance. At this point it is probably time to tell you about a deep inner belief I have.

I guess I have an inner belief that if I'd have enough money to not care about it the rest of my life, I would just live from moment to moment, letting ego go its way, accepting that and being just ok with everything as it passes by resulting in becoming more and more conscious and closer to awakenings.

But back to those tasks that "must be done". They are usually pretty simple and "stupid". Lemme give you an example.

For a while now, I am working on finding my passions and the right job for them with a coach. Now my interests and passions have been shifting a lot over the past and lately I finally felt like the search has come to an end for now. If money wasn't a factor I would choose music/sound production as its my favorite medium for expressing myself.

(Expressing myself has become a big part of growing lately. Giving my ego what it wants but still staying calm, observing, reflecting and learning from those outbursts of expression while accepting that (judged good or bad) those are required to grow and I am not beating myself up much anymore about it.)

So long story short, I planned I was gonna write a little unsolicited application to send out to different studio producers telling them how passionate I am and asking them for some advice or even if I could stop by and get a short glimpse of what their day at work looked like so I can find the place thats right for me.

Then the phase that I described above in the first couple paragraphs, the "complete inner equilibrium" phase started. It was great but.. I actually wasn't inspired to do any effort in the direction of that application task anymore, nor any other tasks that I had on my list unless life took turns to "organically" direct me to those tasks. I tried to sit down to produce some music but I didn't have any inspiration because there was nothing, no deep emotions to express because everything was alright. I thought about writing the application letter but I didn't feel emotionally invested in it anymore which at least in my head made it hard to believe I could express my passion to music and sound in the application letter.

I knew I could probably let myself fade out of that phase and back into a more ego/emotional/passionate state but I didn't because that meant I would go "back" to identifying myself/ego with my passion for music. Even if it is the one thing that feels like it should be the last thing I stop to identify with, in that state of inner equilibrium I didn't "want" to go back to. In that state any form of re-identification results in a step away from that state of inner equilibrium. From what I heard its possible to be conscious enough to let ego do itselfs identification process and still stay in a kind of awakened state but it takes time and experience which is why for me right now I feel like its mandatory to make the most of those times.

 

My thoughts on solutions to this "dilemma":

1. Do everything as soon as I can so I dont lose connection to the purpose of the task. Predestined to fail sometimes, though it would be possible to improve and get better at it.

2. I will write that application letter today as I am back in the ego identified state anyway now, reflect afterwards how its changing me and move on. I am gonna give into ego for now and let it do its part.

3. I will pick up my meditation habit again in hopes it will help me balance and control my shifts to and away from the identification with ego.

It wasn't easy to write the last part cause I know how its kind of faulty in itself and it feels kind of dumb to think I can realize that lifestyle of just always acting from the moment.

If you have some advice please let me know Thanks for taking the time to read this anyway!

 

 

[Nahm]

@Santhiphap There’s a lot of classic overthinking which is sucking the energy & zapping the creativity, so to speak. The thoughts are being entertained / believed, based on a foundational belief that there is an ego. This is the floor if you will, upon which self referential thinking..or ‘twoness’ in thinking... “I beat up on myself” for example, is perpetuated. It seems you developed an inner monologue of a polarity....”the ego”...or “awakened”. It is only the believing of thoughts about yourself...there’s no such thing as “the ego”. “The ego” = these thoughts you’re believing. Inspect them instead. Each occurrence of inspection and ‘seeing through’ each thought, is a “step into now”, where all the feeling & inspirations awaits like an ocean of consciousness.  If I can help, say the word. 

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

@Santhiphap My friend, it seems that we are facing the same problem. I remember times in the past when I was experiencing genuine passion and drive towards certain things; these days however, I swing back and forth between a neurotic state of resistance on one hand and a blissful, Zen-like I-don’t-give-a-fuck mode on the other hand -- and guess what, I don’t get anything done in either one of those two states.

Yeah, I really miss my old drive and passion. I have tried lots of things to get it back - brainstorming ideas, journaling, deep introspection, psychedelics etc etc - but nothing seems to rekindle this inner flame that used to get me exited about creative projects and such. I keep hoping that working on my "inner game" will somehow show me new goals and/or ways to express myself, but I might be kidding myself about this.

[Santhiphap]

@Nahm Thank you. Indeed I developed thinking of ego as a thing, its easy to fall into that trap when using that term to make communications easier. Thanks for reminding me.

I am very much open to suggestions or further help but I think the first step for me is getting back to meditation. Meditation has been so powerful before to me, enabling me to unclutter my mind and really think deeply about things to understand them. Right now, my minds thinking habits are just really messy and dont allow for much "controlled" thinking.

 

@Bazooka Jesus When I have states of resistance I try looking at myself from an outer perspective as if would look at another person. Usually that helps taking some resistance away and kickstarts what I was supposed to do.

[Santhiphap]

@Bazooka Jesus How were you different at those times when you "had" your old drive and passion? Whats missing? I had those problems too, I started to think about my childhood when I was that really energetic child that took the world head on, amazed and inspired by what was to be discovered in this world. At that time everything is "new". So the last couple years I have "reconnected" with my inner child, looking for new things in life, new nuances, allowing myself to have fun, make mistakes, "look stupid" or weird in front of others, staring at a puddle in the rain for a while like its something magical, going into a jumphouse to enjoy jumping , starting to learn skateboarding at the age of 27, Making new friends. Just trying to rediscover life has brought me a lot of new drive and passion in life.