I can't go a day without being reminded I suck

[CMacD]

It doesn't matter what I do, the same symbols of failure keep following me around; if I get a hold of one thing, I let something else slip.  Like, no matter how hard I try to clean up around myself all the time something ALWAYS ends up out of order somehow... if everything visually is organized something somewhere around a corner has gone into disarray, almost like a demon follows me around and anything that isn't fresh enough in my mind to practically have a photographic memory of will be *deleted* or messed with in some way by the universe.

Every time I get pulled over I have an expired insurance card to give the cop (even though I have a current one... somewhere). Like I swear to God, even though my one is current & I know where it is in my glove box, so mote it be I swear to CHRIST that by the next time I get pulled over, I will have been robbed or have freaked out in anger over losing *something else* in between now and then, and I swear to god in a few years when I get pulled over again I am going to pull out an expired insurance card from years ago and look like a dipshit in front of the cop... because that's just my curse.

It's not just that though, if I work; I will forget something in front of someone and be embarrassed.... so I try to work as least as I can (not just because of that but whatever). So I try to play a video game for fun; but even still I fuck something up and get an earfull from a teammate, or insulted by a cocky enemy. I'm having a really hard time trying to convince myself not to commit suicide.

Two days ago I left the dentist w/ a prescription for antibiotics for a root canal, I fold it and put it in my jacket pocket. I tell myself "it's in this pocket, just don't touch anything until you get it filled" well I go pick up my girlfriend and do a bunch of running around and end up feeling really exhausted and feeling like a nap... figure whatever.  I wake up too late to make the pharmacy.  Next day I let it get way too late and I'm running at the pharmacy at the last minute... don't I reach in my pocket and feel the prescription so I think, only to pull out the receipt for the dentist  Like, when I was younger I would have just gotten away with waiting an extra day, now I swear to god it's like Murphy's Law is just 100% in effect for the rest of my life now and anything I don't immediately address gets fucking swallowed by this turd universe, I hate it. What's worse is actually believing the type of things many say about the universe being mental instead of physical opens up the portal to me believing in a special frustrating type of paranormal majik poo where forgetting things doubles in physical reality as them being fucking lost as well. (I mean I don't know if I really believe this, I'm probably just a dumbass, but if you really want to start entertaining magic and miracles then isn't it just oh so fucking great that the only experience I have of these phenomenon frustrations that keep me busy over nothing productive)

I actually self harmed over this, of course it seems ridiculous to get upset over this one instance but the combination of the way these things just seem to follow me around like a curse is just so maddening. What's even worse is I am MOST likely to actually lose my mind as if I'm intoxicated once I get in a rage OVER being forgetful.... I just start thrashing things around and throwing things, not even knowing what I threw where. It's a negative spiral that's going to be the end of me I feel.


There's so many other things wrong with me, this life is such a joke I could vent for ever and ever and ever... it's not even just this, I have had my ego bruised and shit on in every possible way... of course everything is relative and there's still practically infinite people below me but in the context of my life I am the most pathetic motherfucker there is. I don't even know what could help me, so far in the history of human life there has not been one proven thing that actually ends one's misery (the nature of subjective experience will keep that unprove-able forever I believe)

Edited January 30, 2020 by CMacD

[CMacD]

Isn't there a point of no return, where you are truly pathetic enough to really warrant killing yourself?  Like I understand if you were only bullied once or twice, or came out on the bottom of a fight or argument looking weak or pathetic that you're maybe a bit irrational to want to end it all, or if you're still really young. 

I am in my 30s now, still early 30s, but it's still pretty late in the game to think anything in my life is really going to turn around... and only lost once or twice?  I have a negative record in everything.  I have lost more verbal arguments than I have won by a landslide... I have lost more rounds of online games than I have won by a fucking landslide, I have been tapped out by more people in BJJ than I have tapped out by a fucking embarrassing landslide. Why is it so rare to find someone to honestly tell you that suicide might not be a bad idea?  

Most bitch-ass people would tell me "everybody feels like that" but that's simply not true. For me to lose in so many ways someone else has to have won, and the human experience is balanced.... if there's a billion lost arguments than there's actually a billion won arguments somewhere else, there ARE winners, I will just never taste that in this life. 

I hate how alone I've become, I thought I'd find a billion people like me on here but I actually feel very disconnected from everyone else's problems, they all seem petty compared to mine, and I'll bet if I came across this as a year but some things were switched around and the name was changed I'd probably not relate to this stupid rant either. Such a stupid absurd thing this life is, I so much hate that I was born into it.

I hate how I'm open to the idea that the enlightenment that could maybe save me from all this doesn't really exist and that youtube gurus like Leo are frauds or actors undertaking a funny little project. I mean, I did meditate 30mins/day for a year straight and experience some phenomenon that seemed to match the path, but the fact that the amount of work it is going to take to achieve anything is completely unknown and subjective and that no teacher can actually get inside of me and know if I'm doing it right just discouraged me from really believing much is possible. Also I'd rather actually just WIN than accept loss to be honest, if such a thing is possible. 

Psychedelics? Maybe, I kind of like mushrooms, but I can't say they really do much for me once I'm not on them anymore, to me it's kind of like... uhm.. you know.. a drug.  I guess you have to do so many you turn into a retard that goes on about how enlightened he is to really "heal"... ugh... That's so cringy I could puke, the noose seems like a far better choice to be honest.

Edited January 30, 2020 by CMacD

[CMacD]

The shitty thing is I used to romanticize being depressed and boast about how I hate life and am going to shoot up  a mall one day, prefer violent or dark music, etc...  I actually want to move on and enjoy life  and all of a sudden it's like I am being re-reminded of why I was such a miserable edgy person in the first place, and being pulled back into it.

I can accept that life has no meaning, nobody thinks I'm special, there's no personal god, etc. etc. if I could just be good at stuff, and win more. I don't need it all, I do need *something* though.

Edited January 30, 2020 by CMacD