First Mushroom Trip 2 grams of Panaelous Cyanescens

[Jacobsrw]

Substance: Panaelous Cyanescens (wild)

Amount: 2 grams

Date Consumed: 29/1/20

Insights:

• Suffering is just a story created in order to entertain the mind. Its all just a story told to maintain something that never existed.
• Fear is just a pointless amusement of the mind.
• Time just becomes whatever you want it to be.
• What we call human life is fundamentally meaningless, there's a bigger picture to be experienced.
• What we call life seems to be just a separated sphere of mind.
• Life is whatever I create to be, quite literally.
• When the space is allowed, there is this ethereal ever-present light always there for all to experience. This warmth where all things come together and unite ever so seamlessly.
• There's no reason to fear, its all just a story to occupy the mind.
• There's something more fundamental going on.
• There's this smoothness to experience, as though all things are constantly merging with one another.
• Life is a maze, not a maze in and of itself but a maze purely of mind.
• Humans are inherently vulnerable and fragile. Vulnerability is okay, in fact, its an empowerment.

In-trip Symptoms and Pathologies:

• Hypersensitivity in sensory experience.
• Minor visuals (particles in objects moving like sand, objects slightly warping).
• Hysteria with laughter and utter amazement.
• Fear, anxiousness and paranoia.
• Fidgetyness and inability to sit still.
• Emotional fluctuation from positive to negative, like a radio wave pulsating up and down.
• Yawning and weird sensation in the neck.
• Disbelief and nihilism.
• Catharsis met with sadness and crying (tears of purification).
• Complete surrender to emotions and vulnerability.
• Lengthened depth perception (arms appearing exponentially further away than usual, felt taller as a result).
• Uncontrolled twitching and flinching while laying down (minor convulsions almost like a purging sensation).
• A need to wave and move the body.
• Child-like behaviour.
• Absolute bewilderment and amazement.
• Psychological fearlessness

Post Trip Report:

Where do I begin?

So to start with, I clearly laid out my intentions, set and setting the day before.

Set: explore the mechanics of self and suffering, consume on empty stomach dried with tea, have no commitments for the next two days.

Setting: at home in my room, blinds closed, all distracting imagery hidden.

In the morning I rewrote my intentions out in texture at a larger font and sat them next to where I would sit.

 At 7am I made a liquorice tea and then weighed my mushrooms, 2 grams was my target. I added the panaelous cyanescens to my tea and waited for 10-15 mins, then consumed the tea. One regret I have is not bothering to grind the mushrooms into a powder, this made it much harder to consume. I just ripped them up into smaller pieces before putting them in the tea then chewed them as a drank (not nice).

So by 7:15am I began consuming the mushrooms in the tea and they were fully consumed by 7:30am. I began meditating and within 10-20 minutes it was on. I began to feel sensory fluctuations and changes to my perceptual acuity. My body started to pulsate and a strong throbbing coursed throughout the centre of my body.

I wasn't awfully fond of the feelings to be honest, it made me feel slightly nauseous and  trapped; as if I was being compressed by my own experience. I was going in and out of hysteria and paranoia. I would laugh at the pure tactile sensation I was experiencing or I would hear sounds and assume it was something in the house that required attention.

At this point anxiousness and regret began to kick in. I starting questioning whether I should have been tripping. Lucky I mentally prepared my self for such thoughts and reminded myself there's a bigger game being played here.

Not long after within the hour, I went straight to my intentions and began asking my initial inquiry "why do I continue to suffer?" and "what is suffering?" to which I was met with no response.

I persisted and kept asking the question but my body just couldn't sit still and get comfortable. A part of me feared to close my eyes due to the incessant mental noise that would flood my experience when I did.

So I was continuously going in and out of asking the question and trying to get comfortable. Each time I opened my eyes I was transfixed by morphing visual stimulus, fascinating as it all was I knew I knew needed to continue exploring my self, that was the purpose of my trip.

Even though I wanted to explore myself I remember still finding it increasingly overwhelming to close my eyes between the 1-2 hour period. I couldn't sit still and as much as I wanted to lie down on the quilt I earlier prepared, I was feeling too nauseous to do so. I kept telling myself "not a good idea".

So I propped myself up on the bed on a slight angle with a pillow under my head and grabbed a singlet from my wardrobe folding it to place over my eyes.

After the fluctuating streams of negativity and positivity along with nausea subsided, I felt comfortable enough to lay down - finally. I went and laid down on top of my quilt. It was 3 hours in and things began to dramatically change.

I began to express deep saddened emotion, emotion like never before, quite difficult to articulate. It was almost like purging emotions, followed by tears expressing full acceptance and surrender. It was blissful and cathartic in a way.

That's then when the realisation then hit. I continued to precisely ask my question and in fits of interchanging tears, laughter and sadness I came to the response: "suffering is all just a story - a story concocted by the mind in order to entertain itself".

I fell into full hysterics and began laughing uncontrollably. I was pointing at myself in the mirror spurting with laughter saying "you idiot, you created, you created it all".

Deep bliss and liberation poured throughout my entire being. I began to feel warm and impenetrable. Not in an elitist way but in a psychological way. I kept saying to myself "there's nothing to fear". I noticed fear was just as a pointless amusement of mind and just settled into my experience. From that, a sense of imperturbable fearlessness overcame me. I felt like nothing could destruct me in that moment.

Even though this insight was a fully felt embodiment that was truly powerful and liberating, I continued to fall in and out of it. I wanted to see if this realisation had penetrated my experience so I tested that very inquiry by examining my sense of self. I looked at my experience as a self and noticed that all my concerns and attachments still remained. How ignorant of me to think it was going to be that easy haha.

So I concluded that the insight was a transient moment of deep realisation opposed to a radically permanent shift in consciousness.

After roughly 4-5 hours in I was contemplating a lot more on the idea of "suffering as a story". I wasn't convinced that's all there was to it. I further asked questions such "who am I?" "who is the one that experiences I?". It came to my direct attention that 'experience' just continues on and 'mind' makes up stories in order to fill in the emptiness it struggles to withstand. Not what I was after but powerful nonetheless.

It wasn't long after this the effects began to wear off quite significantly. I was finding it easier to write and my visual acuity was beginning to rebalance. I finished up the trip with a Rupert Spira mediation then went downstairs and had some food around the 6-hour mark after indigestion (found that out to maybe not be such a good idea).

So overall the experience was fruitful in that it gave me insight into the prevalence of the narratives and commentaries of the mind that it overlays experience with. The main things I feel I've been left with is:

1. An experiential insight into the utter fabrication of the mind.
2. Human experience is just a story and film segment use for pure amusement purposes.
3. Most pain and suffering if not all, is created by stories which we have attached to.
4. We are quite literally puppeteered by the mind.
5. There exists something more fundamental in reality and the clinging to stories keeps us from immersing within it.
6. We are innately more fragile than we initially assume.

Its definitely left me with some deep insights to ponder. However, I do feel like I've been left with quite a lot of confusion. Throughout the duration of the trip, I had repetitive moments of confusion. I remember my questioning being met with unresponsiveness, as it seemed as if I was completely just talking to myself. This left me with a sense despondency.

When the insights did come they felt as though they were completely derived from my own consciousness. My questioning did not feel accompanied by any other entities. So I was sceptical as to whether the insight was just a mere epiphenomenon assisted by the mushroom or a higher state in consciousness in and of itself. Nonetheless, I do feel shifts in my perspective.

I feel the full message of the trip is yet to be understood and its significance will take time to fully comprehend experientially.

Downsides, I had a roaring headache afterwards that stayed consistent until about 2-3 in the morning the next day. I vomited and had immense nausea 8 hours after ingestion. That may have had something to do with eating just after the effects wore off (6 hours after ingestion) or that the mushrooms were wild and possibly aged/contaminated. So the comedown was terrible and felt similar to that of an alcoholic one but overall it was an eye-opening experience.

Finally, I've spent the day integrating today and reflecting on questions regarding the trip. Apologies if this trip report is too excessive in its words count, I just wanted to ensure I conveyed the experience to the utmost accuracy that it occurred without depreciation. Would love some feedback! If anyone one has any comments or critique open to hearing it

Edited January 30, 2020 by Jacobsrw

[Leo Gura]

Excellent! Great work.

Yes, a long mushroom session can result in a headache. It passes in a day or so.

You only strached the surface. The non-personal existential questions are when things get interesting.

[Jacobsrw]

@Leo Gura Thank you! Yeah mine was over in 6 hours thankfully haha.

I plan on tripping every so often maybe once every two months or something so there’s adequate time for integration.

I feel 2 grams is a good dosage for now but I also feel I had a lot of questioning unmet and was considering 3.5 next time. Not sure though.

Will likely do another 2 gram hit then build from there I’d say.

[Nahm]

@Jacobsrw Awesome! Great insights!

On the tea note, I found the eating of the shrooms to be behind that nausea, which leads into thoughts like hysteria and paranoia. Try bringing water to boil, letting the chopped tiny pieces simmer for 15 mins, then using a metal strainer and spoon to mash the juice out of the flesh, a few times, add tea bag & honey, and discard the flesh of the mushroom. Kicks in faster, “higher”, and stomach / thought wise...much cleaner. You might even find this to eradicate the next day headache (I never experienced that, always the opposite). Also, 3 grams is the danger / limbo zone. I’d take 2, or 4, never 3. Also, there’s an insight to be realized about “making your stomach your best friend” as Osho suggests. 

[purerogue]

Great insights, that is allot of useful information from just one trip.

Edited January 30, 2020 by purerogue

[Leo Gura]

@Jacobsrw 3.5 grams will be too much.

Complete 10 trips at 2 grams first.

Doubling from 2g to 4g will quadruple the power. At 4g, mushrooms can seriously mindfuck you. So be cautious.

[Jacobsrw]

@Nahm thank you for the valuable information! I’ll keep that in mind for the tea method. I’m actually going to consume in capsule form next time. I’ll grind them up then put them into an empty capsule body and see how that goes.

@purerogue Indeed it was! Although I’ve been quite vigorously exploring such questions prior which may have helped with the insights arise omg too.

@Leo Gura Yeah that’s what I suspected too. I’ll stay at 2 for now since I’m a beginner and build slowly from there. Thanks for the feedback appreciate it!