Will To Live is Fading Day by Day

[Shroomdoctor]

Hey guys,

This might be a bit of a long rant, so sorry in advance for that. I don't even know where to begin. 5 Years ago, my life was average. It wasnt great, but it wasnt misery either. I had petty problems, spent too much time playing video games, but I had a great girlfriend, a promising career and some good friends. Since then, my life went downhill into the dirt. My father died of cancer , my girlfriend left me and I fell into a deep depression. I discovered Actualized.Org, tried starting to fix my life, but everything I did, I did seriously wrong. I quit my promising IT career after the LP Course, knowing that my LP would be either psychology or music. Started studying psychology, but my depression fucked me up after half a semester and I ended up in a mental hospital, because of suicidal intent. (I went there on my own free will). After a few months I started living back home with my mom, no career, few friends, no romantic relationships (Even mentioning that you struggled or are struggling with depression lets girls run away faster than a train, even when before they just told you how much they like you), 800 Euro in debt, cause I have no income and cant control my impulses, waking up everyday with a feelin of dread, trying desperately to do things that help me climb out of this shithole, but failing continiously at the simplest of tasks. I have no motivation left, because any hope I try to give myself gets crushed by the reality of where the last 5 years of trying have left me. I dont want to even consider the future, because all I see is ruin. I can't sit down and compose, because the feeling of inadiquacy and failure crushes me. I can't meditate more than 10 minutes because I cant stand the pain. I just waste away, feeling sad about the fact that Im such a failure that I cant even commit to a way of suicide because all of it seems to hard. I dont even know why I am typing this its not like you can help me with your "aCcEpT YoUr FfElINgS" "tAkE pSyCheDelIcS" or "wOnDeR wHo Is fEeLiNg pAiN wHeN yOu aRe gOD"....

 

Sorry for that immature ourburst, but I dont feel like holding up any kind of social kindness. I dont have any left, I guess. 

 

[Marinus]

What kind of help do you get right now?

[Shroomdoctor]

Therapy I guess, but thats just not doing anything. 

[Shiva99]

3 hours ago, Shroomdoctor said:

Therapy I guess, but thats just not doing anything. 

Are you being honest and open with your therapist about everything? Are you conscious enough during sessions so your ego has small chances to stop you from saying stuff you are scared to say? It's very important.

Also, not every therapist/psychologist is the same. If the one you are seeing right now isn't working out for you, simply get another one. It can take a while sometimes to find the right one for you, but it's worth it in the long run. 

Edit: try to get help and get rid of the debt asap. €800 is not too much, but it can become a shitfest if u ignore it, even for a little while.

Edited January 29, 2020 by Shiva99

[Nightwise]

Whatever you do, don't make your future about 'needing to survive'.

A lot of people with depression, long-term mental health problems and suicidal tendencies are in this rut where they are both too afraid to commit to life and too afraid to die (to commit suicide). And with some people, they can even spend decades going in from one deep depression to another, from one psychiatric hospital to another, from one therapist to another, and they basically live a life alternating from moderate to intense despair, yet they never truly fundamentally change.

In such a situation, I'd say it's better for them to commit suicide than to continue the same kind of lifestyle. Continuing to live a life in a state of (intermittent) despair and depression and other continuing mental health problems, is worse than just getting it over with and committing suicide, in my opinion. I think it's both amazing and tragic that some people manage to keep on going for that long. I don't understand how they manage to continue for that long despite for them being no light at the end of the tunnel considering the way they continue to live their lives. They don't want to truly come to terms with the fact that the tiny slivers of hope they have is all just fantasy, and that with the way they keep handling themselves there is going to be no hope for the future.

Not that you have to commit suicide. And not that there wouldn't be any hope. Not at all. But please, for the love of god, don't become one of these suicidal dabblers who go on living in misery and torment for years, and sometimes even decades (god knows how they do it).

You need to come to terms with the fact that you will have to make a very deliberate decision: Are you going to commit to life, or are you going to commit suicide? I'm not going to tell you which choice to make, but all I'm going to say is that if you don't make a decision, life is not going to miraculously resolve itself and you will most likely be in an almost continuous state of misery until the moment you die. 

Do you understand me? Is that clear to you that you don't really have a choice but to make a choice? I know that truly coming to terms with your situation as I described can be very painful because you will need to confront your inner demons and some of your worst, most dreaded fears. But the prospect of not doing that is so, so much worse. At least in the long term.

If you want to commit suicide, you know what to do. Commit all of your energy to it and get it over with. If you want to go for life, then you absolutely need to commit 100% of your life energy towards it and not give the idea of suicide a second thought anymore. You have to totally and utterly cross off suicide as an option in your mind, otherwise it's not going to work. It's not going to work because you will lack full commitment. And the reason you will lack this commitment is because in the back of you're mind you're thinking: "well if this doesn't work out, I can always still commit suicide".

If you have that thought in the back of your mind, then when you encounter struggles or obstacles, instead of being fully committed to pushing yourself through that and taking whatever lessons you can out of it, instead of that, you will start fantasizing and thinking about how death could be a sweet release from it all, and then you will start having suicidal fantasies and idealizations, and if you indulge in those fantasies for too long, it will completely destroy that warrior spirit that you may have been able to tap into when you still seemed to be making progress.

There are going to be moments when things just don't seem to work out, and you appear to seem stuck, and you will have the tendency to think that "this will never get better". Expect those moments. Those moments are normal. But it is in those moments where it will be decided whether you will succeed or fail in life. If you don't give up during those moments, then you will make it through and then you're well on you're way to creating a magnificent life. But if you allow fear and self-doubt and desire for death drive to overwhelm you during those moments, then you will fail and you will either end up committing suicide, or even worse, continue this cycle of misery for what may seem like an eternity.

Remember that your way to a happy, healthy and beautiful life is decided moment to moment. The only power you truly have is the decision you make in this moment, right here, right now. You can only change the future by the way you act NOW. Read the "power of now" by Eckhart Tolle if you want this to be clarified even more deeply to you.

If you want to, I have written much of my thoughts on the topic of suicide and suicidality not too long ago on my journal thread here on actualized.org (you can find in through my profile page). But for you convenience, I have copied and pasted what I have written there and put it in an online text sharing site. You can also read it there. I have also brought in other perspectives on the way you can look at suicide and suicidality there. If those perspectives only feel to be confusing to you and they don't connect with you, then simply disregard them. Different perspectives will work for different people at different moments in time or phases in their evolution. Work with what works for you right now, and dismiss what doesn't serve you right now.

Here's the link.

https://justpaste.it/5se21

You can also contact me by sending me a private message, if you want to.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Nightwise

[Elisabeth]

Hi. I'm sorry you're in such deep trouble. I remember you posting much more a while ago. 

Living with your mom and being in some debt in Europe is - objectively - not a trap that you can't exit if you're somewhat healthy. And you have some IT skills which you can resurrect if necessary to get a job. So your highest priority should be dealing with depression. 

Don't give up on the western way, medication and therapy. Have you seen this thread? https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/43620-the-power-of-traditional-psychotherapy-and-psychiatry/#comment-547028 

Don't give up on spirituality either. Ten minutes of meditation are ok too. It's a lifelong journey. 

Depression lifts one day. At least mine did. Immerse yourself into healing.