Building My Relationship With God - Struggles, Shadow, and Self-Love Journal

[Depersonilized]

Part 1 of Journal - Preface:

- Firstly, I would like to acknowledge the fact that this is the first journal entry I have ever done for myself. It's something I've wanted to do for a while but have been too lazy to exercise. I don't want any of this to seem pretentious or weird or factually crude. These are just my thoughts about my thoughts/experience, so I encourage constructive criticism because I am here to learn (especially because I'm only eighteen years old and have a lot to learn) and hopefully help you learn something too.

- This is the first part of what I hope to later be a long journal of my experiences finding out who God is. This will include struggles of mine that hold me back; psychedelic and altered states of conscious experiences; thoughts on religion and prior personal religious experiences; and more. 

- I will officially begin this journal in a day or two, which will show my personal background, my current understanding of reality, and what I want for the future specifically. I'm extremely nervous and excited for this and will be posting consistently. 

                                 - Depersonilized

 

[Rebecca Kalamata]

Hello, I hope that you follow through with writing your journal. Please don't get hung up with making it perfect. You probably have a lot to say about what you are experiencing, thinking, feeling NOW and wanting to start this 'right' like in a book, might stymie your process ie. starting at all.

Leo talked in one of his videos about 'One Note'. I was happy to find it built-in on my laptop and it's a no brainer for writing stuff that I plan to use in 'MY BOOK' someday. It is actually a great place to write a journal.

That said though, it's kind of fun and interesting to think that others might actually read my journalling. Which is why I am commenting to you and Following you already.  Actually, not that many people appear to be actually reading what I write and WAAAAY less are commenting.

I tend, especially lately, to take up every opportunity to connect with people. I have a lot to say about this AND I might write about it in my journal. Have a great day. This is a great opportunity to express and explore yourself. 

Here's a picture of me from last summer having the time of my life. I'm the lady rider.

[Depersonilized]

Part 2 of Journal: Background

- I was raised a Christian. I didn't really understand what Christianity or Jesus was all about as a kid. What I knew was that I loved my parents. They were my light and life in the world. I would have dreams of having good times with them whether it was playing at the beach or playing catch outside. Ultimately, those dreams would lead me to the realization that they would one day die and I would have to live with it. I learned that all good things must pass. I was only 5 years old, and I have no idea how I understood death at the time lol. I went to one of those 'big churches'. It wasnt a megachurch but it was more of a 'feel-good' type of church. About 5 years later, my mom and I left that church and started looking for a new one (my dad never really went to church with us at the time). Eventually, we found the church that I continue to go to this day. My perspective of life changed from there. I moved from not caring to really caring about christianity - I was about 10 years old at the time. I got made fun of a lot as a kid for being the Christian kid. I was a Bible literalist at the time and that didnt change until I was 15. At 14, I got into smoking weed, which would give me ego death experiences because it was so strong. I had never heard of ego death or any concept alluding to that before and had no idea what was going on. I would look in the mirror and it would look like a cartoon. I would pray to God for him to end the high. This happened about 3 times before I got used to it. At 15, I started seeing leftist media outlets like The Young Turks and some other channels which brought me to atheism. In my freshman year of high school, my dad had a stroke caused by high blood pressure and alcoholism. I played drums at the time (I still do), but to honor my dad I decided to start learning guitar because he always wanted me to get into it. I also redevoted my life to Christ. Fast-forward to 17 years old and I find Leo's channel, and oh boy, did that open the flood gates. I started hearing all this "new age" talk and dismissed it. I thought the guy was crazy and self-absorbed. But because of my innate curiosity, I started watching more and more videos. I think I commented on his 'What is God' video and argued from a Christian perspective. I mentioned the snake in the Garden of Eden and how it tempted Eve to be like God. But still I continued to watch his videos and other content from other channels on this subject. This ultimately led me to psychedelics and a new found way of thinking, which I will get into tomorrow. I needed to put a background as a foundation, which will make this a lot easier to get into the Now. 

[Depersonilized]

@Rebecca Kalamata Thank you, I appreciate it.

I've just been kinda stuck with how I want to do the journal. I'd prefer to get right into it but I have to set the foundation first. I'd do the One Note thing, but I don't have a laptop at the moment. Once I get one, this will be a billion times easier. 

I'll check out your journal too. Also that's a cool freaking photo. 

[Rebecca Kalamata]

Great job! You write well. I am happy you are moving on with your intention and I appreciate the background that you have provided.

I think you will get a kick, maybe some kick starts from the stuff that I write. Points to ponder anyway. Thanks for Following me. That's cool.

I am leaving Greece on Feb. 20th until July 5th. Experientially everything will change for me. I intend to keep listening to Leo and writing when I am back in California but I have a lot that I want to accomplish once I'm there so we'll see.

It's a really fun thing for me to interact with people on a level playing field such as in this forum. I spent a summer once on a beach near where I grew up which was pretty hard to get to. It was called Sacred Cove or Sacreds. Nobody wore bathing suits or clothes so pretty much nobody was defined by the outward trappings. It was really cool because neither was anybody hitting on each other or hooking up and nobody cared how old people were or what they did for a living. It was post-hippie days so I was really lucky to have the chutzpah to get myself there and to make friends. This forum reminds me of Sacreds and being naked in the sun.

I have a few things that guide me that I want to get down in writing now in case I don't get back to them.

#1.  Don't do anything in life that I must suffer the consequences for for the rest of my life. For me that has been in this order (Note that left myself a lot of room.)

        a. pregnancy

        b. drug addiction/alcoholism

        c. prostitution

        d. prison

#2.  Don't deliberately hurt anyone for any reason and if I find myself using someone, be hyper-aware of it and cut it out.

#3.  Be aware that old friends are hard to come by.

#4.   Be aware that each person that I encounter might turn out to be an old friend down the road.

#5.   Take 100% responsibility for whatever shows up.

         a.  Do not blame.

         b.   Do not suffer guilt.

I have stories to tell related to these "Guidelines". Maybe I'll get to them. Have a great day!

[Depersonilized]

Part 3 -  My current understanding of reality (my direct experiences)

Wow I'm ridiculous haha. Took a while to update, but it was worth the wait. I've gone through 1 awakening - which was my first real awakening - and 1 ego experiencing God experience since the last time I've updated this journal. This is an update on my current understand because be for this, it was a lot more limited. I'm happy that I have an even greater understanding. 

Ego experiencing God experience:

So to start off, I must mention that because of psychedelics such as lsd and psilocybin mushrooms, when I smoke weed, it is a full-on psychedelic. It really does not matter the dosage. I'm also very sensitive to them for some reason, so I I take 50 ugs of lsd, it's like 100 ugs for another person. I really have no idea why this is, but I like it. Anyway, I recently acquired a powerful dab pen. It's a sativa that goes right to the mental/psychedelic aspect of itself. I was home alone and had prepared for this for about a week. My intention was to experience something profound that I had no experience of. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I'll say this. I took the hit, and on the come up I experienced God from my ego perspective. Now I know what Leo means when he says God is pure love. I was listening to a song called The Source by The Contortionist. About 10 seconds into the song things started getting strange, and it was leading me into something of a bad headspace for some reason. I then came to a realization that everytime I view something as a negative situation, I am denying God. This hit me like a ton of bricks, and immediately God revealed himself to me. I unintentionally opened my arms and started arching my back. Tears were rolling down my face, and I understood that this was it. I saw a light going into my entire body and it was pure love through and through. The lesson of that was to show me that bad things and good things alike glorify God. You deny him when you use your biases for what you think is good. He's in all aspects of reality, and everything points to his infinite love. I also got a sense that that was only a millionth of a fraction of his glory. That's a mind fuck and an amazing, humbling thought on it's own. 

My first awakening:

I did the same procedure the next week; preparing my mind and hutting the dab pen. My intention was the same. To be a student of the experience and to experience something profound. I hit the pen and decided to watch the what is consciousness video that Leo made. Let me tell you, I experienced consciousness in a way I didn't think was possible. I focused on what was a aware of me being a aware, and then focused on what was aware of the awareness that I was aware. And BAM!!!!!!! I realized I was creating everything. The present moment was the only thing existing. Time doesnt exist and everything is morphing according to My will. Not the ego, but God. When I say I'm God, I don't mean I am God as in the ego mind sense; although, that's technically true too. I mean God creates my ego and everything around me to the infinite degree of detail that the ego mind cannot comprehend. It can only observe. Everything is growing with me. Changing. When I realized this, I just could not stop fucking laughing. That was the funnies shit ever, and it still is. All of my struggles, dreams, wants, beliefs, biases, understanding, etc. It's all bullshit. That means I'm fucking retarded. Haha. 

In conclusion:

I've still got a long long way to go. I'm nowhere near where Leo is, but at the very least, I have a glimpse as to what he's talking about, and it makes a lot more sense. He's definitely no crazy, and he's not fucking kidding about this stuff. One last insight from these experiences: how can I let myself be unhappy? I know and understand God is real. My feelings and biases about reality don't mean much. The reason I have been overwhelmed and somewhat depressed is because of my approach to life. Do I want to act like I'm some know it all? Or should I approach life as a student because I'm here to learn. Approaching life as a know it all is what causes a lot of suffering in the world. Anyways that's it. I'll update this again soon. I should be having a mushrooms trip this weekend and I'll update when that over with. 

[Rebecca Kalamata]

I'm glad that you wrote again. That sounded awesome. Straight to the point. The incredible thing is that it clears the way to things usually going right from here on out. It's the piece missing from the Law Of Attraction. Getting IT like you did, with the majesty and glory, being able to just be and with abundant good intentions for others and constant appreciation for All That Is... Live like that and mindful of the ego shifts as they drift in and out...It's a beautiful recipe.