Witnessing the Drug Addiction of My Father

[oMarcos]

I've been away from this forum for awhile, but I've come back because this is the only place where I feel I can share this sort of stuff and maybe get a valuable response.

This is a very old story, but I wonder how the old story still stamped on my unconscious mind and still rule my life, should I ignore the impact of something just because is old? I don't believe so, I guess I need to give this shadow some light, and maybe you can help me to light the torch.

 

The story (I'll keep it short and simple as possible): My father was addicted to cocaine, speed and heroine since I was 6 until I was 11. What were the things I witnessed: constant stealings to my mother (gold necklaces etc.); my father asking money to several family friends with dumb excuses like "I am out of gas and the car is in the middle of the street"; one day my  house was robbed, some of my stuff were gone like my PS2, a cellphone and a watch, and I still believe it was him, even though we never found out what really happened, now that's not a big deal though; constannt fights between my mother and my father; one day my mother found out a little bag of cocaine in my father wallet, and I remember to see that little bag being on the floor opened and cocaine was spread on the floor, it was a morning before getting to school; my father was asking me money more than it should (lol, yeah, I didn't even worked, but sometimes my grandmother could lend me some or whatever); around I was 11, my mother decided that I should go out with my father anytime he left house, so she could make sure he was not involved in drug stuff BUT HOW WRONG SHE WAS, he toke me once to a poor familie house, the couple had 2 children, so I was with them meanwhile my father and their parents where injecting something behind the curtains, like normal. And several times he toke me to the place where his drug friends were living under the bridge homeless and he was also helping them with supplies and some water.  One day he also toke me to a meeting point of drug traffing, several guys waiting for the distrubuition). I never told this to my mother... until one day the bomb exploded and my mother decided to leave my father.

End of first part

So... what happened next after your mother left your father? Me and my mother left to live with my grandparents, he was alone. I was visiting my father on the weekend but I remember to have a "bad feeling" about it, it was sad to go to spend weekend with him, I couldn't make anything better. By the time I spent those weekend with him, one night I remember I was peeping him late at night  in the kitchen, and I would see him preparing a small dose of heroin to consume, but suddenly I just got back to the room where we would sleep together, and I remember watching him in bed with body trembles.  

And then all of this ended by the time I was 12, my father got cleaned after a long process, my parents got together again, they had another son, and we still live together. Happy ending. But now what?

 

Now I still don't know for sure how all of this story had an impact on my life. Back on those dark times I felt numb most of times with the situation, I also compactuated with my father lies and bad actions when I knew the truth.

I felt that It wasn't a big deal at all, maybe other families had their own strange shit going on and "this is just the same happening with my family". 

 

And I was thinking today, yes today, at 26. That I was humiliated from my father. I allowed him to being a piece of shit, as if I din't care or I didn't knew what he was doing, as If I didn't have a fucking good mind to make a distinction from what is right or wrong in front of me.

I thought about how just many times I let other people take advantage of me through my life, so they could grab something for them, how many times I said it was "ok" even though I was feeling hurt on the inside but I didn't want to cause any harm or trouble (this happens most of times in my relationships).

I feel that I don't want to be passive anymore towards others, that I have the right to say no if it feels the most right thing. I won't be hurt. This shadow has a light.

 

Ok Marcos, well done. But how can I help you?  You may ask.

Since this is pure shadow work, I might be trying to hide something from myself, maybe it's easier for others on the outside to make judgments about how much damage this could had been made on me, some kind of prediction about which ways I could tend to act in the future in terms of relationships dynamics and even self-esteem. I already pointed out one facet: allowing others to hurt me, do you have more facet predictions? Thank you.

Edited January 28, 2020 by oMarcos

[oMarcos]

also, If you want to contribute @Leo Gura @Nahm or if you know someone who could work with me in this particular subject, point them out please

 

I'm also currently reading the 6 pillars of self esteem and its a great santa little helper 

 

Edited January 28, 2020 by oMarcos

[Nahm]

@oMarcos Sorry to hear, it does sound like a rough past. If it is not ‘in your way’, then it’s not.  If you do feel it is, how so? What obstacles are you encountering? 

[oMarcos]

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

@oMarcos Sorry to hear, it does sound like a rough past. If it is not ‘in your way’, then it’s not.  If you do feel it is, how so? What obstacles are you encountering? 

Nothing at all stands in my way regarding this subject, I was just shadow working and maybe trying to dig some hidden patterns that could had some influence on me, but who will know better than me right... @Nahm 

[Nahm]

@oMarcos For sure. “In your way” is not the best wording, in hindsight. If you notice resistant thoughts, not-good-feelings, patterns playing out in life in which things are not working out for you, unrest in any relationships, habits you want to stop, etc, then sharing those helps someone to connect the dots to what you shared regarding potential childhood shadows hanging around. In understanding how they’re connected...they’re transcended / released. 

A “shot in the dark” of shadow surfacing...struggling to trust in relationships, fragmentation, over emphasized need to control outcomes, reoccurring self doubt, subconscious reactional thinking / anger / triggers, getting & losing jobs / opportunities without understanding why, seeking a strong affirmative figure for relationship / being influenced by this without seeing what’s at play, internally normalizing stress tension & uncertainty, possibly a struggle to share more deeply in intimate relationships making them difficult and short lived. Again, I’m not suggesting or insinuating this. Your post reads like you’re pretty solid on the whole thing. This is just the “shot in the dark”, what I think you’re asking for...potential things to consider, to inspect...if I’m not mistaken.

[MAYA EL]

I would of killed myself years ago if I hadn't of leg go of everything and today I live with no regrets and I also had a simular childhood to yours so my suggestion to you is what I did and it works and what it is is very simple 

You tell him all that you've said in this thread and then some 

You tell him everything no sugar coating worrying about hurting him or making him relapse or any of those fears because you are more valuable then he is (to you) and hes a grown man and hes responsible for his own actions so you have to clean your own shadows and let him worry about his .

I promise you you will feel like you were reborn afterwards I kid you not the amount of weight that's lifted off of you is unreal . And don't worry the scariest and hardest part is the moments oh hesitation before you tell him because the second you start to tell him you will start to feel free . 

[King Merk]

I relate to your story man. My Dad has been an alcoholic my entire life and was very abusive to my little brother and I... 

I also struggled with setting healthy barriers and self image issues.

My best advice is love yourself my friend. Love yourself and forgive your father. I know that’s easier said than done but it’s necessary.

It’d also be very healing to talk with him about all this. I know that probably the last thing u wanna do but it’d be a big help. 

[oMarcos]

@Nahm Thank you very much for your insights, that was the sort of thing I was searching for.

I do relate with many things you pointed out, one particulary that shoot my interest was "Fragmentation", could you elaborate a little on what that means?

I have a strong need to mantain a "sense of self", I do this by putting my personal belongings in a aesthetical order (sort of OCD), I get strong anxiety if things are out of order, as If I was losing the sense of my identity and all my direction in life, could this be considered Fragmentation?  @Nahm and if so, how could such an event origin Fragmentation, what could be the corelation between the episode and the disorder?

 

Side note: I really got very depressed during my high school years, between 16-20 years old, I felt as If I didn't know who I was, then the ocd started on those periods of time, I was really trying to "define" my identity, because I compared myself a lot with my colleagues and they all seemed to have such a strong sense of self compared to mine

of course, "I know" the Truth now, but back on those days I really struggled. Nontheless, the "OCD" mantains. 

Edited February 8, 2020 by oMarcos

[Nahm]

@oMarcos I’d YouTube it and get a few different views, but in a broad stroke it’s a handful of beliefs identified with, which leave us operating from a limited place. Each one limits in it’s way, and was created to make sense of a feeling, which was misunderstood innocently to begin with. The intellect weaves identity to cope, “making sense” of feeling, and in doing so a misunderstanding / belief is perpetuated, and the feeling is suppressed. Beliefs are only beliefs, and can never continue through the light of awareness / inspection. The misunderstood / suppressed feelings are released, understanding arises, and the patterned habits freed, along with the idea of self they were “protecting” (self of course needs no protection).  The mind was working overtime trying to “accomadate” or “make sense of” self & reality, while holding onto the beliefs. Inspecting, releasing the beliefs...there’s little to think about, or “keep in order”. And of course, one feels a new “tier” of feeling, wholeness, confidence, conviction,  assured-ness, etc. 

The suppression or ignoring of the feeling is done by labeling feeling “depression”....and believing the thoughts...rather than listening to the feeling. Again, in total innocence. The feeling was true, the thoughts were never true to begin with. 

No thought about me can ever be true...because there is simply no getting around the fact that I am what is aware of , the thought. And what is aware? Awareness, of course. Awareness...is aware. The thought “my”, enables the belief “my stuff”. By believing in “my stuff” ....one is indirectly imposing a limiting self belief...”I am the separate self...separate from my stuff”. The intellect (sneaky) will attempt to overdue “keeping all the stuff in order” to maintain the facade of belief in “me, the fragmented, separate self”. The belief is only ‘kept alive’ by being recreated over and over now. That is only possible, by not inspecting the belief and releasing the suppressed feelings. These suppressed feelings (over years), tend to feel like a mountain, and then in the same manor we labelled feeling “depression” for lack of inspecting the feeling in the beginning...we then label feeling “fear”. Meanwhile, all along, there is no such thing as depression, or fear. It was all ‘at the hand’ of beliefs of identity, we completely, made up. That “mountain” always was, is, and always will be...actually... love. 

Some people, use drugs to maintain the suppression of these feelings. In kind, one in their presence / environment, who does not understand...”understands” like the person they’re around. Said another way, they adopt the same misunderstanding of feeling, as their exampler (parent) sets. 

To expedite &  bring up deeper / clearer understanding, make it all most relevant to your life, by extracting from the inspection everything you know you don’t want, and write that on a pad of paper. Then from that, extract everything you do want, and write it on your dream board. Expanded emotional intelligence, as well as the building of true passion for your creating, are the natural outcome of this.