Bodily Issue/Sth stronger than Armodafinil

[randomguy123]

Hey everyone, this is somewhat of a subthread to my other thread, which is way too elaborate and not really to the point. Here I am specifically looking for a substance that can help me in solve a mostly physical problem.

Long story short: I have a long standing (going on 4 years) condition/blockage/cramp in my body as a result from years of negative thinking, fear of failure, waging wars against my body, etc. This has resulted in basically constant brain fog, shortness of breath, knots everywhere, etc. that are quite fluid, changing often, but always present. I'm sure there are some emotional aspects to it as well, but I experience it as mostly a physical problem.

When I meditate and focus on it, the knots tend to slowly dissolve, but it regenerates pretty easily as almost everything sticks to it and gets me back to where I was. So I tried using combinations of modafinil and cbd to boost my awareness, which helps a little bit. I need something stronger however to get anywhere here, so I'm thinking of armodafinil right now. My guess is that I'm off by about an order in magnitude (of potency). So is there anything else that you could recommend to get a breakthrough. What about taking multiple pills? What is relatively safe (concerning liver, etc.)? Also what would you recommend that is stronger than armodafinil? Or is it straight psychedelics after that and if so, which one's would be suitable then?

[Joker_Theory]

@randomguy123 Warning take my advice at your own risk!!!

One Nootropic i find extremely strong is Fasoracetam. Low doses are very stimulated while high doses are more sedating. To me it's too strong but the clarity you get on this stuff is amazing. 8mg done the trick for me but is to strong for me to meditate and did give me jitters but man the clarity was awesome so you could give that a try but i must warn you to not take is if your taking antidepressants cause it gave me serotonin syndrome. Also, it is a research chemical so could cause effects on your organs so please do you research before buying or trying it out.

Please be safe!!!

[Leo Gura]

@randomguy123 You're not going to solve that problem by adding some drug on top of it. You need to find the root.

It's like the wheels on your car are all flat but you're investing money in upgrading the engine. It doesn't matter how big the engine is if the wheels are flat.

Quote

I'm sure there are some emotional aspects to it as well, but I experience it as mostly a physical problem.

Sounds to me like in your case it's not just "some", it's a whole fucking truckload. Emotional problems easily manifest as physical problems. In such a case, treating them physically will not bring lasting relief.

You need to do a lot more research into the root cause of your condition, rather than looking for a magic pill to compensate.

[randomguy123]

@Leo Gura Well, I have, I've done over 50 pages of journaling on this, sentence completing exercises, contemplation, all of it. I mention some of this in my main thread. The precursors of this problem have been running for a while in my life, it manifested first when I was 18. I could probably tell you the exact moment I got in to this. This is a problem that I consciously formed, I was there every step of the way. Every day I would wake up, questioning my self and my body and now we're here, after 3/4 years of that, stuff caught up with me.

I'm not in that place anymore, I don't have those thoughts nearly as often and I know how to handle it now. I genuinely experience very little emotions towards this problem, here's my experience: I sit down to meditate, I become aware of the present, I let go, my body frees itself by cracking my back and neck and releases energy, repeat. At no point do I experience any emotions here. Sure there are probably repressed emotions at deeper levels, but journaling or contemplating them just seems pointless to me at this point.

I've been through every step of the way here(as I simultaneously in time discovered Actualized.org): self-esteem, honesty, meditation, sedona method, letting go (David Hawkins), shadow exercises, bodily awareness, mindfulness, binaural beats, mulling over every aspect of my life and now we're here. I'm not just dropping nukes, because it's easy and practical. What else could get me out of this?

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by randomguy123

[randomguy123]

Yh, well it's never that simple. CBD and drugs can be part of a solution, but it's never the whole thing. This thing manifests at all levels and just looking at one, won't do the trick. He's probably right that I should consider more options than just my experience. This thing has mental, bodily, emotional, environmental components. I don't know nearly enough about how modern science deals with this stuff. I think they would classify it as stress-related PTSD style, so I can look for that. The point remains that you need a way in, a way to understand what is going on. If 3 hours of meditation a day aint doing it, then idk.

[Joker_Theory]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@randomguy123 You're not going to solve that problem by adding some drug on top of it. You need to find the root.

It's like the wheels on your car are all flat but you're investing money in upgrading the engine. It doesn't matter how big the engine is if the wheels are flat.

Sounds to me like in your case it's not just "some", it's a whole fucking truckload. Emotional problems easily manifest as physical problems. In such a case, treating them physically will not bring lasting relief.

You need to do a lot more research into the root cause of your condition, rather than looking for a magic pill to compensate.

"It's like the wheels on your car are all flat but you're investing money in upgrading the engine. It doesn't matter how big the engine is if the wheels are flat."

Thanks Leo LOLLLLLLL i needed that laugh wowwwww that made me laugh and forget 'life' for a few minutes.

Really needed that.

Edited January 28, 2020 by Joker_Theory

[randomguy123]

I agree, it's funny, who's getting me that new set of tires though?

Edited January 28, 2020 by randomguy123

[PenguinPablo]

Do you remember your dreams? Start there... they’re pretty honest. even if real life you is not conscious enough to know the emotional issues, dreams are much more revealing. 

I recommend you start writing them down. And try to decipher what they’re trying to tell you. People here or another forum or maybe through books can help you decode the meaning.

[randomguy123]

Yup, I remember a lot of dreams. They're always happy, enjoyable. I sleep pretty well. 

I'm doing more in depth research. I think I have something like somatic symptom disorder (SSD), if people are familiar with that. I remember vividly the thought patterns, imagery and beliefs that got me here. None of which I actively have trouble with or experience any more. That is why my condition is pretty stable. The phenomena change often, but that's the surface experience, I'm pretty confident that I'm not actively getting myself in trouble. When I release some of the blockages, bad thoughts start pouring in more and more, as a way to ego backlash myself back to my baseline state. I can deal with that. Most of the time stuff naturally tightens up again, which I'm ok with. When you have a couple of big rocks in the stream, they tend to collect rubble.

To treat this problem, I'm basically trying to run up a slippery slope attached to a rubber band (ego bcklash) which is pulling me back. That is why I'm looking for ways to increase my awareness of the blockages, aka running speed or grip,

[Nahm]

20 hours ago, randomguy123 said:

it regenerates pretty easily as almost everything sticks to it and gets me back to where I was.

Could you expand on that a bit?

[Buba]

Go to psychoanalysis. But be ready for everything. You dont know what you have repressed and you are scared to feel those repressed emotions.

 

[PenguinPablo]

very Interesting. I’ve been stuck on the slingshot for a while as well 

[randomguy123]

@Buba  Yh, might have to do that. Although I feel like I understand what got me in this specific situation (consistent fog), I might not see the larger picture. Maybe I should stress the fact that I was not always like this, I consistently engaged in the following behavior (which lead to things getting stuck only after a couple of years):

• A thought would pop in to my head, along the lines of: "What if I won't be able to ride my bike today", as in "I might crash", "I might not know how to steer".
• My hyperrational mind felt the need to address these thoughts. I simply had to come up with a rationalization as to why this would not happen or why things would not turn out like this. (hardcore Descartes-style: "I think therefore I am")
• This obviously leads to very neurotic behavior and my body got the back end of that. (because most of the scenarios actually concerned productivity issues and directly targeted my stomach and body).

Now of course, I just let those thoughts go. Right now, I can easily picture such a situation and instantly notice my body's response to it as it starts to tighten up. If I were to accept the thought, shit would go off the rails. But of course I don't engage in it, I just let it go. So this sequence is pretty obviously driving this problem. That being said who knows why I engage in those thoughts, why they pop in to my head. I mean sure I got some of the picture, but there I feel like psychoanalysis could maybe help.

@Nahm Sure, the stuff I experience varies pretty hard. One day my chest is blocked and my head is free, the next day my head is in zombie mode and my body is relatively ok. Tonight, for example I woke up with the top of my head hurting pretty bad. meditated a bit, got rid of that, etc. That being said, the deep core of this stuff never gets touched, I can't get close to it no matter what (it situates mainly around my sternum and the back of my head). What I'm outlining here is very different from the above, I feel like I'm not adding to the problem. The symptoms just tend to change and move around, which is common with these kind of problems (from what I've read so far).

As for the regeneration, I mean it's not quite like what I wrote there. I can achieve some type of improvement, for example my chest is pretty good now, because I've been going hard the last couple of days. But it does regress, quite a bit. I might clear my head with a great release, but within an hour we're already part of the way back. Basically for three reasons, I think:

• Negative thoughts as above do happen and can get me struggling, but this is the lesser cause I think.
• I never touch the deepest layers of the problem, so stuff is able to get back to where it was(I mean never ever during a release have I experienced any emotional release, all of it is purely physical as deep as I've gone)
• Lastly, and most importantly, when your body is blocked up and your capacity to think/feel is reduced by 80/90%.  You're like a little puddle, anything that happens is a major disturbance and by default ripples are going through are having an impact. I mean by default I'm sort of focusing/holding on to the fog. I can only detect a couple of areas that are fog free. If I were to break through, things would have much harder time to clog up again. If that makes sense.

[Nahm]

@randomguy123

What do you imagine it would be like if a reset button was pushed, & every and all symptoms stopped? 

Would they start up again? How? What would be the chain of events?

Or would they not? Why not?

[randomguy123]

@Nahm

1) Well If I saw the bottom of this, there probably would be an emotional release there, making it obvious as to why I was feeling like that. I can vaguely make out some emotional symptoms, but it's difficult to make out anything, when you're this clogged up. I'll try to focus more on the emotional component when I get high up there, just trying to be aware of my body, might not do the trick. I probably shouldn't see a physical release in tension as the aim in itself, just a way to get me to see and connect to those deep emotions, allowing me the awareness to let those go, which would solve the problem. (I would still have intrusive thoughts though, see below.)

2) Chain of events would be as described above: attaching to unwanted thoughts. I mean I started out basically normal, just had some of those destructive thoughts and had no way of dealing with them. So I took them very serious and got myself to this place. As to why I have those thoughts, that's a way deeper story probably. My parents have unconsciously rammed that stuff in me my whole childhood.

3) Well, I don't think I would get myself to the same place, because I can let go of them much easier. I mean when I got in to this, I basically had no awareness of anything related to consciousness, meditation, letting go, etc. It was just my thoughts, that was the only way to deal with this. In addition to that, having less blockages would help out a lot, the same ripple in a small pool has a very different effect when placed in a large pool. That being said, obtrusive thoughts would still appear, I'm pretty sure. How to figure that out is a way deeper story, I'm guessing.

[randomguy123]

Update: Had a great shamanic breathing experience on armodafinil (150mg), which showed me clearly that this isn't working. It just lubricates the whole situation, making me feel less irritable, but does nothing whatsoever to move the giant rocks in the stream. Thanks Leo, your comment really helped.

So now I'm looking at more bodily focused methods, like acupuncture, TRE, etc. I am also getting bloodwork done, check for lots of stuff, including auto-immune diseases (I have a light form of vitiligo). I'm also still on the fence about seeing a psychologist, my problem is so psycho-physical that I find it hard to imagine change through simply talking to someone. without addressing the bodily component. It's like going in with one hand tied behind your back. Also, the more research I do, the more I find my symptoms to be just the result of years of pent up stress and tension, that I need to release in one way or another. The options for doing so seem pretty limited to me, there are a couple of techniques that I've found, but if you know something, please do share. All suggestions are welcome.

(P.S. longer update on my main thread)