Being overpowered during a trip

[StarStruck]

Yesterday I was reading my notes and the pattern I was seeing is that I don’t want to lose control. This is not weird since I’m a control freak. I probably got this from a particular family member who was a control freak too. 

During my last trip I tried to go deeper into this feeling of wanting to have control over everything. I concentrated on the feeling. Letting go of control felt like being overpowered by a masculine force which makes me feel like feminine. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. It almost felt like being raped but obviously not sexual. 

Previously I took 120 ug or something and I still wasn’t tripping balls. Letting go went great but I still maintained a lot of control. I’m preparing for 200-300ug of LSD very soon. This is going to be overwhelming for sure. Basically this kind of trip is you just sitting there and things are being done to you and you being ok with it. Or am I seeing it wrong? It feels kind of feminine and there is nothing wrong with that. 

[Gneh Onebar]

@StarStruck  120 mcg is a moderate dose. If you aren't very sensibel this dose shouldn't be too challenging. However jumping from that directly to 200 or even 300 mcg is a huge step. Have you thought about doing thirst like 150 or 175 mcg? Although if the dose is higher letting go is easier, because you have no chance of being in control - at least for me.  

[Forestluv]

@StarStruck To me, this sounds like a from of narrative control, attachment and identification in the mind. See what happens if you let go of things like "I am a male", "I am masculine", "I don't want my masculinity to be overpowered by femininity", "Being overpowered by another means xyz".

At a transcendent level, you are both masculine and feminine and can experience both - and all sorts of combinations. The mind partitions itself off of this transcendence and creates stories/meaning/identity/attachment to things like "I am masculine", "It's good for a man to be masucline", "I don't wan't to be overpowered by other masculine or feminine energy". This is a contraction. The psychedelics are taking you to a transcendent state, which can feel awkward and counter to our conditioning. Yet the transcendence is also beautiful. You can freely experience both masculine and feminine - and all combinations as this transcendent Self. 

One could try and imagine the experience of a woman and actually start experiencing it. For example, a guy could play sub while he is getting pegged by a woman during sex. One can enter a mindset in which the distinctions between "me" being male or female dissolve and there is simply the energetics. The "man" could enjoy the experience as a "woman" and the "woman" could enjoy the experience as a "man". . . 

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Letting go of control felt like being overpowered by a masculine force which makes me feel like feminine. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. It almost felt like being raped but obviously not sexual. 

Hehe... yes! Mind raped by God.

Get used to it.

This is why we keep saying you must integrate masculine and feminine. This is very important.

As a male, try to actually experience what a female orgasm feels like and enjoy it. You have to get over this idea that you are a male. You are not male! You are God pretending to be male.

[moon777light]

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

This is why we keep saying you must integrate masculine and feminine. This is very important.

As a male, try to actually experience what a female orgasm feels like and enjoy it. You have to get over this idea that you are a male. You are not male! You are God pretending to be male.

and how do you do this, during psychedelic trips as an intention? I feel like off psychedelics its near impossible

[StarStruck]

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Hehe... yes! Mind raped by God.

Get used to it.

This is why we keep saying you must integrate masculine and feminine. This is very important.

As a male, try to actually experience what a female orgasm feels like and enjoy it. You have to get over this idea that you are a male. You are not male! You are God pretending to be male.

I did this exercise or mental visualization couple of times. I did this during sex and I pretended I was her. I will try to do this more often.

[StarStruck]

@Serotoninluv  I get what you are saying but that doesn’t make masculine / feminine energy disappear. Usually males and females are attracted when opposite ends of the energy field meet each other. I guess you are trying to say that I should be ok with both. I will have to work on that. Perhaps I’m a little bit autistic which is dominated by masculine energy by nature. Previous to psychedelics I almost didn’t have any emotions. Letting emotions take control is just a hard task for me. I would just rather have full control over it, which I can but the downside is that I feel like a robot without passion/motivation. I dissociated emotions and feelings for a very long time and that caused for a lot of trouble. I will need to look into that because I still don’t know how that works. Nowadays during my meditations I focus on creating a safe environment where it is ok to be swept over by emotions, fears, and so on. 

Edited January 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, moon777light said:

and how do you do this, during psychedelic trips as an intention? I feel like off psychedelics its near impossible

Psychedelics certainly help. There are some which are very erotic which are perfect for this. I got very close to having a female oragsm once. I don't doubt it's possible with more practice. But even if you aren't able to actually have one, just getting close is very powerful and healing as it integrates your feminine side.

Otherwise there are other methods like hypnosis and visualization.

Visualization is an extremely powerful tool. You can visualize so hard that you can materialize a diety into your perceptual field. But of course this is not your regular visualization exercise. This is hardcore stuff that requires serious commitment and practice.

I think every guy should try to have at least 1 female orgasm just to open his mind. And don't confuse female orgasm with anal sex. That's not what I'm talking about.

[moon777light]

@Leo Gura thanks, since im female i would be interested in the opposite haha 

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There are some which are very erotic which are perfect for this.

i think mushrooms would be a good one

 

12 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

And don't confuse female orgasm with anal sex.

whaa  hahhaha they are definitley not the same!!!

[Ero]

@Leo Gura Oh, believe me, they can. Only on my second trip I was 10 people experiencing orgasm at once (female and male). The fluidity you describe definitely was there. Although the Sun was my Love-bringer then. 

Is there something special you were referring to with this quote :

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

 You can visualize so hard that you can materialize a diety into your perceptual field. 

I came across not that far back the description of Ramanujan's genius by Sadhguru, so it peaked my interest. There's a particular intuition I have in that direction. 

[Ero]

25 minutes ago, moon777light said:

@Leo Gura 

i think mushrooms would be a good one

@moon777light That was the one that worked for me. 

[Calmness]

 

48 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Psychedelics certainly help. There are some which are very erotic which are perfect for this. I got very close to having a female oragsm once. I don't doubt it's possible with more practice. But even if you aren't able to actually have one, just getting close is very powerful and healing as it integrates your feminine side.

Otherwise there are other methods like hypnosis and visualization.

Visualization is an extremely powerful tool. You can visualize so hard that you can materialize a diety into your perceptual field. But of course this is not your regular visualization exercise. This is hardcore stuff that requires serious commitment and practice.

I think every guy should try to have at least 1 female orgasm just to open his mind. And don't confuse female orgasm with anal sex. That's not what I'm talking about.

@Leo Gura Could you elaborate which psychedelics  are very erotic?

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, moon777light said:

@Leo Gura thanks, since im female i would be interested in the opposite haha

You're in luck. For females it should be easier because your sexuality is much more in the mind than of the physical act (like most guys).

Via hypnosis I know it is possible to give females a male ejaculatory orgasm: where you imagine having a penis and using it to ejaculate.

A lot of exotic types of orgasms are possible with females via hypnosis, but it usually requires a knowledgeable guy to lead it. Although if you really wanted to you could probably lead yourself. Unfortunately for you ladies there are very few men who you date who have this knowledge or even an interest in it.

I took an entire course on sexual hypnosis.

43 minutes ago, Calmness said:

 

@Leo Gura Could you elaborate which psychedelics  are very erotic?

Not ready to reveal such things yet. I think it also varies from person to person. People react differently to the same substances, so it take exploration to find what will work for you.

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

@Serotoninluv  I get what you are saying but that doesn’t make masculine / feminine energy disappear. Usually males and females are attracted when opposite ends of the energy field meet each other. I guess you are trying to say that I should be ok with both. I will have to work on that. Perhaps I’m a little bit autistic which is dominated by masculine energy by nature. Previous to psychedelics I almost didn’t have any emotions. Letting emotions take control is just a hard task for me. I would just rather have full control over it, which I can but the downside is that I feel like a robot without passion/motivation. I dissociated emotions and feelings for a very long time and that caused for a lot of trouble. I will need to look into that because I still don’t know how that works. Nowadays during my meditations I focus on creating a safe environment where it is ok to be swept over by emotions, fears, and so on. 

Thank you for sharing this. I misinterpreted your original post and I think I now have a better understanding. 

Psychedelics can increase our emotional/empathic resonance. You mention that previous to psychedelics you almost didn't have any emotions. And now emotions are arising. To me, emotions/empathy is like a "sixth sense". It is a sensory way to interact with our environment - similar to senses like hearing and vision.

For me, emotions can greatly enhance my relationship to reality. It's like the difference between watching a black-white movie and a movie in 3D color.  I've always been able to feel emotions, yet I was thought-dominated for most of my life (at times I still am). Getting in touch and experiencing feelings/empathy can be an amazing exploration. 

I can relate to the desire to control emotions and wanting to a safe environment to practice. For me, going into empathic zones around people can get really uncomfortable. Like you suggested, at times I can't control it and it can feel overwhelming. It just appears and can get really intense. I've been in social settings where it got so intense I got overwhelmed and needed to leave.  Sometimes I enter a place where I can feel another as if it was me and I can't tell the difference between the emotions/energy of them and me. It can get really uncomfortable.

One safe place I've found to practice is in nature. . . Nature has no hidden agenda. Nature has no expectations and does not judge. Nature feels so safe to me. I will go in nature and sometimes the emotions/empathy arises and I will connect to the river, wind, trees and birds. This is a safe place for me to let go and to go deeper into uncertain emotion/empathic zones. 

I would be careful going from 120ug LSD to 200-300ug LSD. That is a big jump and it seems like 120ug is opening doors for you. If there is a calling to go higher, I would trust that. Just be careful of how high how fast.

I would try to allow and experience whatever emotions arise. As you experience more of them, it will become more familiar and you will become better able at working with them. 

[Adam M]

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I took an entire course on sexual hypnosis.

What course? I am interested.

[StarStruck]

@Serotoninluv 

Talking about calling. I have a very strong calling to do Salvia but no way I’m doing that. Even mushrooms is very heavy for me. I’m just going to play around with LSD for now. I’m trying to be careful because of my past. I think I won’t do the heavy stuff until I get some emotional maturity. For now 200ug of LSD is perfect I think. I have gotten some micro doses under my belt but I need something that will knock me out. 
By the way I appreciate your feedback. I can resonate with what you said regarding relationships. I think being connected to one’s feelings is important with one’s life purpose too. It is all about emotional maturity. In my family it was not allowed to show emotions so I think, at least for me, it is an old survival mechanism that I need to drop. Can’t have passions without feelings/emotions, right? 

Edited January 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

@Serotoninluv 

In my family it was not allowed to show emotions so I think, at least for me, it is an old survival mechanism that I need to drop. Can’t have passions without feelings/emotions, right? 

This reminds me of something that happened when I was visiting my family over the holidays. We only see each other twice a year, so it's a big event. My parents, sister, brother-in-law and three young nieces were all there. 

During dinner, the topic of child rearing comes up and my mom goes into a story about when I was a child (back in the 1980s). She starts off describing how talking back to them at parents was never tolerated. That the children knew there place and were never allowed to "talk back" to them. My mom continues: one day when I was about 13 y.o. I was really upset. My mom said I was absolutely livid. I took the trash down the driveway to the curb and screamed "When will I be able to express myself!!". . . . And then my mom. . . started laughing. . . To her this story was funny. A child not allowed to "talk back" venting his repressed emotions and frustrations outside by the curb. . . This broke my heart. That child repressed his emotions through his whole childhood. He grew up unable to experience and express emotions. He always bottled them up. This caused problems in romantic relationships, with co-workers and friends. This involved a lot of therapy and support group work over 20 years. Even recently, shamanic breathing and EMDR therapy has released body memory of repressed emotions going back to my chilldhood. . . And as I sat there watching my mom laugh at a childhood moment symbolic of so much suffering in my life, I felt heart-broken. Yet I also understood that she can't see it. My parents where conditioned back in the 1950s in fundamental Catholic homes. This was "normal" to them. . . Yet the disappointing part for me is that 35 years later, she still sees it as normal. If she understood the impact it had on me, I hope she wouldn't be laughing. . . 

[StarStruck]

@Serotoninluv I don’t know your full story so I can’t judge. Probably many things like that happened in your childhood where your parents sub-communicated it is not safe to express your emotions or to be yourself. From the example you gave me I can say that my upbringing was 10x worse. It was both emotional and physical abuse for having the audacity to claim “my place” in the family. They wanted me to be a handbag instead of being person. And when I accepted that faith I still didn’t get peace. I don’t even open this topic to my parents. They don’t remember and I don’t have the need to get something out of it. They just projected their own problems onto me. This is what I realized in my last trip. Unfortunately I can remember abnormally a lot of tiny detail from my childhood, especially the one’s that scarred me. Today they want the best for me but they did **** me up. It could be worse though. I’m lucky that I’m in a first world country. Imagine being that traumatized and being in a third world country. There are a lot of them out there. 

[Forestluv]

@StarStruck I endured physical as well. The incidents were not isolated like the one I described. 

One thing I learned is that cognitive understanding is only partial. I did a lot of writing and talk therapy - with counselors and support groups. I got to a place in which there were no resentments. I understood how my parents came from troubled childhoods and did the best they could. When I was with them, I didn't feel any anger or discomfort with them. Yet there was deeper conditioning which influenced my relationships and was reinforced by repressing emotions like feeling hurt or angry. I was a person that was always trying to create harmony and repressed my own emotions while doing so. I was often taken advantage of and treated poorly. For example, three gfs that I invested in cheated on my and abruptly dumped me like I didn't matter. Afterwards, I actually took responsibility for their feelings and tried to be available to help them through their issues. I tried to see that they were hurting on the inside and that is why they would hurt others. Yet my own emotions of hurt, disappointment and anger would be repressed. If a little bit of anger or criticism seeped out, I would feel really bad and quickly apologize. GFs often played the victim, which was very effective on me. 

A few years ago, this deep subconscious conditioning was revealed after an Ayahuasca ceremony. Someone there suggested I take a pillow, imagine it's my father and start screaming and punching the pillow. I couldn't do it. Nothing came out. The only things that have allowed body memory release is EMDR (crying), psychedelics (crying) and shamanic breathing (anger, frustration, crying). 

Yet, a bright side may be that empathic abilities have surfaced. Yet the empathic connection is usually "negative" emotional dynamics such as anxiety, panic, feeling trapped, insane and harm. In a way its good, yet in another way it can be intense and too much. It's like I can carry other people's emotions. If someone told me that they were upset and disappointed in me, it would have a huge impact on me. . . The other day, I was watching a video of a woman describing being in dark solitary confinement and I spiraled into that space. I've got to be careful where I venture.

You mentioned "safe spaces". For these reasons, humans are not always safe for me. People can carry all sorts of negative karma that I can pick up on and internalize. This is one reason nature is a safe sanctuary for me. These human dynamics don't exist in nature. 

[Nahm]

@StarStruck Try conscious or unconscious, rather than in control or not in control. Might be clarity & relief found.  Assuming you would not consciously choose to feel bad...if the desire for control feels bad, acknowledge you’ve gone unconscious, and listen to the feeling. “Come back” so to speak by choosing a better feeling thought. When you’re feeling better, write about that feeling, explore it. Extract the understanding & release you seek from it.