Gratitude vs complaining

[Ethan1]

OK so I've been wondering about the difference between complaining and people who are genuinely grateful for life. 

I have been dating this one girl for the past few months who always always always chronically complained. She worked as a TV reporter so it's likely she's around negativity 24/7. Even though I would listen to her complain. Seems as though some people complain habitually. If you make them aware of the complaining they get more aggressive. 

Seems like complaining is connected to being unconscious. Being grateful is connected to a greater level of consciousness.

 Also seems like people complain to avoid taking responsibility. To gain attention from others. To find fault outside of one's self. As if a coping mechanism for protecting the ego. 

Best thing was to separate myself from her. She doesn't want to change the behavior. Best to not let the toxic emotions infect my state of mind. 

What's your thoughts on the idea of complaining vs being grateful? 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Ethan1
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[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Ethan1 I find it's not just about gratitude practice, but ones level of optimism as well (can you see the bright side, even when it's just a sliver...?)... The CONSTANT complainers I have interactions with seem very pessimistic in their overall outlook on life in general. That said, increasing a gratitude practice, and acknowledging the things that go well each day are proven ways to decrease complaining (positive psychology). Also, keeping ones resting facial pose closer to smile than frown (mouth corners curl up slightly/more) helps too.

I agree, that often, when we shine a light into the darkness that others are choosing to dwell in, that it usually upsets them... that said, sometimes planting a seed of appreciation and/or hope can still grow in a constant complainers blackest shadow.

I can be a complainer at times too. I have the intention to find solutions, but I still do it. Glad you separated from the behaviour... glad you noticed it

[Ethan1]

Thanks for the great response @Epiphany_Inspired! 

I find it tricky to notice when one gets sucked into a complaining mindset. It's much easier to notice in others than one's self. Yet if someone is emotionally poison dripping and doing tiny complaints that add up with time. 

Especially having the emotional intelligence to be aware when someone or something triggers a reaction in you or me. I notice some people are easily triggered and others have few to no triggers. Such as a person with a more nonchalant attitude. 

So.... If "attitude is everything" . What exactly creates a ➕positive (optimistic) vs a ➖negative (pessimistic) attitude?

• Perception?
• Mindfulness/awareness ? 
• Will power?
• Environment? 
• Finding something to be grateful for each day? ?

Edited January 26, 2020 by Ethan1

[Nahm]

@Ethan1 Excellent thread man. From my experience, the difference is where meaning is ‘placed’. One who knows they are the creator of meaning doesn’t complain...doesn’t see that way. For many, meaning is so convincing it appears to be ‘out there’, objectively. 

[Ethan1]

@Nahm Thank you for your input!

Hmmm so interpretation is what you're referring to? I could read something and determine how I want to understand it which shapes my personal reality. 

Something bad could happen to me but it's the meaning or story I give to the situation. Such as learning from a significant accident. 

In other words, we are like the film director and actor in this silly movie called "life". We actively and inactivily choose how we want to create this movie. The roles we perceive. The scripts and words we act out. 

For many others, they feel they are in someone else's movie called life? 

Correct me if I might have misinterpreted what you said. 

[Nahm]

@Ethan1 Ya, on the same page. There’s no escaping that one is creating, just a matter of consciously or unconsciously. Even ‘interpretation’ is kind of gratuitous. 

[Ethan1]

@Nahm 

Soo basically, perception contributes to a person's attitude. A person's mental programs and beliefs help shape the reality. 

Appears like the subconscious beliefs create the perception which create the attitude. Or are they separate. 

I wonder if intentionally expressing gratitude will rewire a belief to rewire an attitude. I could be wrong. 

Overthinking all of this but I'm really curious where gratitude is connected to attitude. The two sound sorts alike. 

Attitude + gratitude = Altitude? 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Ethan1

[Nahm]

@Ethan1 In being mindful of how far down the rabbit hole you’re wanting to go...inspect what you’re contemplating, directly. If in perception, let’s say you see a wall in front of you. Now, if you add a thought....”I’m grateful for that wall. It’s sheltering me, helping me stay warm.”.....feels good. Does the wall feel good? No, the thought feels good. Does the perception feel good? No, the thought feels good. Why does a thought feel good? Because it resonates. All thought is dualistic, up & down, left & right, this & that....what all thoughts resonate with...is not relative. 

That’s takes us to the brink of the rabbit hole. 

A contemplation on the brink...what’s the feeling difference between gratitude...and appreciation?

What’s the source of the that there is feeling. 

The thoughts are chosen in accordance, or in discord, of feeling. And that ‘comes out’ as the attitude. In accordance, great attitude...in discord with, not so great attitude. A good question might be, why chose the thought which is in discord with feeling and results in kind as an attitude that also doesn’t feel good? Then complaining looks like a loop, which someone does not realize “they’re in”...except by the feeling....as they are creating no matter what...just not realizing how suffering is created, yet.

The ‘loop’ would look like...chooses thought in discord with feeling...doesn’t feel good & attitude reflects this...other people resonate or don’t exactly in kind...so the person has unpreferable experiences....because of their “bad” experience, they assign meaning to the outside world...”bad”....then thoughts in kind are chosen....and this repeats. 

To break the loop, feeling is listened to, rather than ignored. Good feeling thought is chosen. 

For someone to break the loop, with feeling...moving from complaining to appreciation is ‘clean’, ‘easier’ as it goes directly to feeling. Gratitude, is just a bit different. 

[Moreira]

10 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

@Nahm 

Soo basically, perception contributes to a person's attitude. A person's mental programs and beliefs help shape the reality. 

Appears like the subconscious beliefs create the perception which create the attitude. Or are they separate. 

I wonder if intentionally expressing gratitude will rewire a belief to rewire an attitude. I could be wrong. 

Overthinking all of this but I'm really curious where gratitude is connected to attitude. The two sound sorts alike. 

Attitude + gratitude = Altitude? 

Gratitude is the apreciation of perception. Why rich people usually are depressed? Because they take for granted everything.

Our mind ignores the good as it is normal, so we must stop and make a consciousness exercise of apreciation of the good things we have in live, this is gratitude.

 

[Ethan1]

@Nahm  Yeah, I can now see where I am being the opposite of mindful and creating multiple rabbit holes rather than contemplating one thought to the bottom. I dig too many small holes(breadth) instead of staying focused(depth).

So all thoughts are dualistic... Hmm When I hear what you said I think of.. Feelings are the opposite to thoughts. As to say, the body and mind are both connected (Depending on one's level of consciousness).

What one feels one speaks?

What one thinks, one feels?

They are interconnected in a weird way. If I think negative, I will create feelings that are negative. 

This is a heavy thing to contemplate. 

 

Hmm Feeling of gratitude vs appreciation.. 

They seem to be the same thing when I think about them. When I feel them.. Im having a hard time processing my emotions. 

From my understanding it seems like you're saying a person who is detached from their feelings will produce thoughts that feel disconnected too. In other words our emotional systems are meant to help recognize & reconnect with thoughts that are out of alignment. To become more attuned to what we are feeling. Instead of repressing emotions and hiding them. 

Seems like gratitude works like a belief. If I believe I am confident. The the "loop" will follow with certain perceptions & actions. I will act with confidence. People we give confirmation to the actions. Then I will feel confident which reinforces the attitude/belief. Then it's like an upward spiral. 

 

Where being grateful for the small things in life creates a sense of fulfillment/eudiamonia. Then it creates a cycle of noticing more things to be grateful for. Such as being grateful for my body. Which branches out to other smaller things like my lungs, heart, eyes. Which I spread more awareness of gratitude to. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Ethan1

[Ethan1]

@Moreira Why would a person choose to take everything for granted to begin with? Is this just a lack of awareness?

Like you said if it is a lack of awareness then people need to slow down and smell the roses.  

Funny how the mind out weighs the bad for the good. If we see one small bad in a person it overshadows multiple good actions. Like a cognitive bias of some form.  

 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

Feelings are the opposite to thoughts.

Perhaps not opposites, but related. Like an ocean...and it’s steam arising from itself. Infinite ocean...steam appearing to be finite. Or, waves...”particles”.

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

What one feels one speaks?

If reactionary thinking is yet discovered, then yes.

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

What one thinks, one feels?

There’s no getting around that. If only everyone would acknowledge it. (Within) ??‍♂️

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

They are interconnected in a weird way. If I think negative, I will create feelings that are negative. 

That is one to scuba all the way to the bottom on. Inspect the inner workings. Writing it down, and then writing the complete opposite, is most helpful. The mind makes sense more readily of what is visually seen, than what is ‘floating around’ in / with, potentiality. As Leo is known to point out, Radical open kindness is key. For example, it is worth considering, that you don’t create feeling, such as you could create an object out of legos. Also be sure to make darn sure there is such a thing as a “negative feeling” at all. It could be an assumption...until enough inspection is done.

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

This is a heavy thing to contemplate. 

You gift find ‘heavy’ to be only subjective. 

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

Hmm Feeling of gratitude vs appreciation.. 

They seem to be the same thing when I think about them. When I feel them.. Im having a hard time processing my emotions. 

When my son feels the sweetness of the air on the first days of spring, he inherently, without thought, is appreciating it.  When I buy him an action figure, he feels gratitude towards me for having done so. What is the nature of this? 

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

From my understanding it seems like you're saying a person who is detached from their feelings will produce thoughts that feel disconnected too.

These are one in the same. Two occurrences, of the same thought-feeling relationship. Human thought is the sneakiest phenomenon in the entire universe. You, are the sneakiest being in all existence. Not the proverbial you, not the linguistic you - I’m saying you Ethan, you are the sneakiest. ?

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In other words our emotional systems are meant to help recognize & reconnect with thoughts that are out of alignment.

To simply let them go, as they are not creating anything. You’re a creator, much more than “a human”, so to speak. 

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To become more attuned to what we are feeling. Instead of repressing emotions and hiding them. 

Yes, a thousand times, yes. A single tear can change the world. 

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

Seems like gratitude works like a belief. If I believe I am confident. The the "loop" will follow with certain perceptions & actions. I will act with confidence. People we give confirmation to the actions. Then I will feel confident which reinforces the attitude/belief. Then it's like an upward spiral. 

 

Yes. Nice!

2 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

Where being grateful for the small things in life creates a sense of fulfillment/eudiamonia. Then it creates a cycle of noticing more things to be grateful for. Such as being grateful for my body. Which branches out to other smaller things like my lungs, heart, eyes. Which I spread more awareness of gratitude to. 

Yes, and there’s a deeper dive available there too. It is not coincidental you have two lungs, two eyes, but one heart. Can’t take even the simplest thing for granted on the path. The path is itself the simplest thing. So painstakingly simple in fact, it can’t truly be said to exist at all.