Attachment Styles

[PenguinPablo]

Hi, all!

As far as spiritual progress is concerned, I do feel like I’ve gone fairly far. However, there is a nagging issue that plagues me: Attachment wounds from emotional neglect are still a major sticky issue for me. Spiritual Progress =/ Psychological Progress. With that in mind, how do you repair this issue. 
 

btw I lean more towards the right side of the chart, probably in-between anxious and fearful.

[LaucherJunge]

As with most things the key really is developing Self-Love, all these symptoms are simply the lack of it.
Your spiritual practice should actually also help you with that to a large extent, but really it's just about doing the work of getting to know yourself and accept yourself as you truly are. When these things occur just ask question till you get to the bottom of it, why is it that I have a fear of rejection? Or what ever occurs at that moment and just meditate on it, feel the emotions coming with it, just get in the space of getting to know all of this stuff that is coming up, after all you just don't know it and you don't know yourself, if you knew what the root problem is, it would be relatively easy to solve this issue and with time you will be more and more "healed" also just really love yourself more and more. I really don't think there is a point where you can't grow any further, there is really infinite potential to grow, just because someone has a secure attachment doesn't mean they are perfect.

Edited January 24, 2020 by LaucherJunge

[Martin123]

@PenguinPablo Hi!

I personally love attachment styles and think that they are incredible at specifically discovering the type of emotional support we need for ourselves to heal whatever wounds are within us. If you're interested in attachment styles I can't recommend this channel enough 

 .

I picked a specific video for fearful-avoidant attachment for you because as you described yourself, you might have a tedency towards that category. I'd like to also point out that the fearful avoidant has a tendency to rotate between anxiety and avoidance. So it's not really that you're an anxious attachment, you're likely a fearful-avoidant experiencing both ends of the spectrum (that's why they're called anxious-avoidants as well). This is important to know because the anxious attachment needs quite a different approach for recovery than the fearful-avoidant (even though they share some similarities).

As a former fearful-avoidant myself I have a deep empathy and compassion for this attachment style because I understand the inexplicable pain that can be involved in this, as this attachment is what is created out of the most traumatic childhood circumstances. So I wish you good luck and if you'd have any concerns or questions regarding the healing of attachment wounds don't be afraid to drop me a message.

Good luck!

[PenguinPablo]

@Martin123 thx sinbad

[Martin123]

On 1/24/2020 at 5:16 PM, PenguinPablo said:

@Martin123 thx sinbad

Finally someone noticed. Phew. I've been thinking that Sindria has lost its greatness in the world after being unrecognized for so long.
Btw: Sinbad had totally an insecure attachment, his childhood was a wreck.

[Nahm]

@PenguinPablo This all supports the very story about you which feels terrible. Let go of the story building, and begin the one thought at a time, and how it resonates or doesn’t, with feeling. You are there. Not in a story about you, or who you are. Start a dream board, fill it with everything you want in life. Notice thought which arises resistant to all that you want, and inspect the thought. Use the emotional scale. Get creating this actual story, your life. In truth, you’ve always been creating it. This is more becoming aware that you are doing so. Read up, to fill gaps in understanding, such as The Six Pillar Of Self Esteem. 

[Martin123]

@Nahm please don’t.

Attachment is an energetic wiring ingrained And layered in your nervous system since babyhood. Every enlightened being still has an attachment style in the form of cellular memories and core wounds that are very much real and cannot be bypassed or reduced to a story.

The dream board you suggest will mostly consist of things you wish to have and acccess as a way of contradicting the attachment trauma you’ve experienced in early childhood.

 

Just don’t... this is getting unhelpful, and it’s breaking my heart a little bit.

 

 

[Nahm]

9 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

it’s breaking my heart a little bit.

 

Try listening to that...but not making it about me. Much clarity arises.

[ElvisN]

@PenguinPablo A while back I discovered I had the anxious attachment style. That itself was an extremely helpful discovery to help me moving in the right direction. But what helped really overcome it was reading this book on attachment: Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The authors of the book were the pioneers on the concept of attachment theory, and they conducted massive research to understand and apply it to solve relationship problem like having an anxious attachment style, and what you can do to have a secure attachment style.

I highly, highly recommend the book.

I know how harrowing anxious attachment can be. Hope this was helpful

[ElvisN]

@Nahm Thank you Nahm for your insights,

But I have to side with sinbad on this one. This attachment stuff is very real and has to be specifically addressed, especially for individuals having anxious attachment.

[Nahm]

@ElvisN No worries. It’s just a thread, and suggestions. There are no “sides”. 

[Martin123]

@Nahm The clarity that arises is pretty simple.
What you're suggesting is a form of spiritual elitism that ultimately devalues the ones who are in the midst of their healing journeys seeing self-realization as some sort of a promise of a relief, while being deceived by those who only use it as  a form of spiritual escapism.
Your attitude, with all due respect, isn't too far from what leads to allegations of sexual misconducts against spiritual Gurus who promise an all-encompassing relief in the form of transcendence. You cannot transcend suffering, you can only awaken to endure the suffering that acts as a divine agent of alchemy and transformation. Anything else is a rather harmful form of escapism that ultimately doesn't serve anyone, only delays one's evolution.

 

It is fine to speak about self-realization when self-realization is the topic. But it has nothing to do with emotional integration and evolution, and the placement of such advice in these areas is rather dangerous, because the individuals on the path of emotional transformation (and while that is ultimately all of us) tend to be in very vulnerable and impressionable positions and states.  Spiritual oppression, it is a patriarchal attitude leaking into the vulnerability of spiritual evolution. Not good @Nahm, truly, and I say this with love and respect, but absolute firmness and clarity. Not good at all.

[Nahm]

8 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@Nahm The clarity that arises is pretty simple.
What you're suggesting is a form of spiritual elitism

That’s just your idea of it, personified onto me, judgement. What I suggest, is precisely, and only, what I suggested. 

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that ultimately devalues the ones who are in the midst of their healing journeys seeing self-realization as some sort of a promise of a relief, while being deceived by those who only use it as  a form of spiritual escapism.

There’s no such “promise”. You’re projecting this onto what was said again. That’s your idea of this, not what I said.  That “devalues”, is your perspective. That I’m deceiving anyone, is your perspective too. 

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Your attitude, with all due respect, isn't too far from what leads to allegations of sexual misconducts against spiritual Gurus who promise an all-encompassing relief in the form of transcendence.

That’s also coming from you but you’re not realizing it. I’ve neither mentioned nor encouraged anything like that at all. 

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You cannot transcend suffering, you can only awaken to endure the suffering that acts as a divine agent of alchemy and transformation. Anything else is a rather harmful form of escapism that ultimately doesn't serve anyone, only delays one's evolution.

You don’t have to judge people like this. You yourself can transcend it, by inspecting it. 

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It is fine to speak about self-realization when self-realization is the topic. But it has nothing to do with emotional integration and evolution,

That is the self. The distinction you’re making, are yours.

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and the placement of such advice in these areas is rather dangerous, because the individuals on the path of emotional transformation (and while that is ultimately all of us) tend to be in very vulnerable and impressionable positions and states.  Spiritual oppression, it is a patriarchal attitude leaking into the vulnerability of spiritual evolution. Not good @Nahm, truly, and I say this with love and respect, but absolute firmness and clarity. Not good at all.

You truly don’t see your story at play here? Your story about me? 

You’re adding so much to what I said, and missing you’re doing what I explained right now. 

[AlphaAbundance]

Edited February 17, 2020 by AlphaAbundance

[Martin123]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

That’s just your idea of it, personified onto me, judgement

Okay that's enough right here. Again, if you wish to discuss anything and have a responsible conversation, I will welcome any message, but I will not be dragged into an argument while being accused of projection as a way of devaluing anything you disagree with. The ruling stands, what you're suggesting is potentially dangerous and I strongly advise you to re-evaluate your position, but that is about everything I can do.

Wishing you all the best as always, and I'd even encourage you to drop me a message to prevent any misunderstandings on this forum that poison threads where there are sensitive and impressionable individuals who are in need of oh so much of support and help. Thank you.

[Corpus]

Attachment styles are largely based on ones early childhood experiences, and reviewing ones upbringing objectively and dispassionately, whilst knowing you were an innocent sponge absorbing it all because you were not capable of knowing any better. How could you, as an infant/child?

This might change your views of those who brought you up, probably for the worse in terms of how you regard them, but better for you as you ascertain whats true.

This touches on core beliefs and assumptions (as per Ralston); understanding how they mould ones life and seeing them for what they are (un-necessary programming, unhelpful and stemming from your carers issues) will serve you better than "just" dismissing them because "all is One".

This is true inner work and indispensable for raising ones consciousness IMHO.  

[Nahm]

@Martin123

You’re implication is that I am irresponsible, that “I” am dragging you into an argument - which you are actually instigating yourself, in your rather than commenting, commenting on how my comment should be, in accordance with “your ruling still standing”. 

You are not “wishing me all the best”, you’re making many accusations against me. 

[Martin123]

@Nahm Thank you for sharing your viewpoint and feelings with me. I understand. If you do feel accused, please tell me more about how you feel in PMs.

[Nahm]

@Martin123 See your spin there? I don’t “feel accused”, I refer to what you’ve written here on this thread. You don’t see the very “elitism” present in your words? Your “ruling stands”, that I should message you for clarity..? 

[Nahm]

31 minutes ago, ElvisN said:

@Nahm Thank you Nahm for your insights,

But I have to side with sinbad on this one. This attachment stuff is very real and has to be specifically addressed, especially for individuals having anxious attachment.

Btw, it will certainly be addressed in what I recommended, both in the direct experience of choosing what you yourself want, and reading the recommended book. In noticing the resistant thoughts, and inspecting them, writing about feelings, using the emotional scale...the understanding you are wanting directly arises.