Very Tricky: Best Buddies Girlfriend

[chris_crunch]

I've been contemplating making this post for a while, but today something sparked me to metaphorically snap. I'm currently noticing very negative emotions in my body... before I detail why, let me set the frame of context.

I've recently moved to a new city, creating a new life. I'm big into practicing self develepment, and have been since I was very young. My lodger J is also interested in it. We often have interesting conversations- it resonates with us. He's doing well for himself!

Well... almost. I've never brought this directly to him, but his girlfriend is... I don't like to pass judgement so I will just say, without comment, some of her actions and habits:

-She has just started work at her 5th, almost minimum wage, job this year. She complains constantly about all the negative things it entails. Today was her third day and she "hates it'.

-Every night I hear her screaming and arguing with J, usually over trivial matters.

-She never cooks, or cleans. J does all of it.

-90% of the time I see her on facebook, twitter, resonating with negativity.

-The only things she likes to converse about are negative, e.g. gossiping about others. I try to avoid this, so there's not much I and her converse about. Though I pass myself, always saying "Good morning" and the usual chit chat that follows.

-The environment in this house is very negative. I want to be able to work in the evenings but I am always on edge here.

-If I leave unwashed dishes, she will be very angry at me, as hers ironically lie in the corner.

Okay so today I came in and she was in a bad mood. So I didn't greet her as usual, thought she didn't seem like talking. I was reorganizing my things, doing some research. I heard some angry sighing, some doors slamming, some shouting... then J told me she was "annoyed at me because I didn't say hello to her when I came in."

---------------------

The triviality of this small issue sums up this nicely- she resonates with negativity so much that, no matter what happens, she has an excuse to be annoyed. And sometimes that excuse is me.

There are 3 courses of action I could take.

1)Move out

2)Try to change her

3)Tell J my thoughts- I think he's a good guy, he wants to do great things in the future, but I believe she is weighing him down.

What should I do?

[Nathalie]

Hi @chris_crunch ,

you're leaving in the same flat ?

If so, all those arguments, bad moods and negativity get on your nerves, right?

I would tell them this (likely both together), your feelings, from your stand point.. That's all.. Looking for a solution (e.g. arguments only on the balcony )

You can't assess, what's good for him or not, can you ?

Maybe he needs it in order to become aware of something you can't know..

 

 

Edited June 13, 2016 by MartineF

[chris_crunch]

That's true- I can't know what's best. We are sharing a flat, yes.

But I would like to help her, and pull her out of this negative rut. How can I help when any attempt to do so will be taken as an assault, due to her ego-identified mind?

Perhaps this is a challenge to me too. It's effecting my nerves and interferring with my work.

[reez]

@chris_crunch

I don't think that you as a person is the correct person to question her and her negativity if she barely responds in a positive way to you. Rather bring it up to J and let him think about it a little. If he is "in love" it might be hard for him to see this, and he might even get mad at you. I would approach it by first and foremost talking to J personally, and if he doesn't seem to catch it. I would move out. In the conversation with J this is what I would say based on the information I've found out

"Hey J, I don't know if you've thought about it so much, but have you noticed your girlfriend is sort-of negative?  I have noticed it quite a lot and whenever I get home it seems like a negative atmosphere here at home, and I don't like it. So I am gonna start looking for other places to live unless she gets a bit more positive, or (even if I don't want it to happen) she moves out. I don't know if you would wanna take this up to her and maybe that she might want to change, and if so is the case I will gladly wanna help as well. And I know you might not take this quite good man, but I'm just looking out for you, and I want you to be happy man. I personally however, can't surround myself with negative people and expect myself to be positive and get things done when it's always this heavy atmosphere at home. I hope you understand and can think this over man."

 

You should however also consider if this truly is your problem? Perhaps it's J who has limiting beliefs that's making him settle with this current girlfriend, even though he truly doesn't love her. Their relationship doesn't seem very healthy and I would be surprised if it would last a longer time, and if it does I am certain there will be occurrences of cheating. Unless they together can get better and improve themselves together but first and foremost - personally. So that can also be an aspect to think about and approach and eventually talk to J about.

But I don't think there's much you Personally can do to help this girl out and stop being so negative. Personal-growth can only come from within and if she feels like she's forced to stop doing something, it won't necessary work. This is obviously something to consider if J also brings this up to her as well.

I wish you luck!

[Nathalie]

10 hours ago, chris_crunch said:

Perhaps this is a challenge to me too.

Yes maybe.. and positivity and negativity are only two faces of the same thing..

Like you apparently do, I also tend to see everything from the "positive side" so the question could be:

Do we need somebody in this case who shows  us the other side? Are we denying something (generally speaking) ?

Again, if it disturbs you while working or what ever I would clarify the issue directly when it happens.

By conversations, I would look at it closely, to understand if I possibly lake something..

From a deep consciensness both sides (yours and hers) can be looked at neutrally, can't they?

 

[chris_crunch]

Honestly, in her I see a shadow of my former self, and it scares me that she might bring that negativity back out in me. 
Naturally I get on a let better with J than with her, and I feel guilty about that- that I don't want to talk about things which aren't benefiting me. 
It does terrify me that a person can be this negative. I really hate it. And I hate that I can't change her, I have no idea how to.

I wish there was a subtle way I could help her. But she does not want to be helped. How do people like this exist? 

Maybe... I'm seeing this problem as one specific case of a much more general problem- the disease of mediocrity. And I detest myself because there's nothing I can do. I'm not classifying myself as the best person ever, but at least I'm trying, and I'm much better than her. 

She is producing strong emotional reactions inside me. I hate that she acts the way she does, infringing on mine and Js development. She just takes, takes, takes. 

[Pallero]

16 hours ago, chris_crunch said:

I'm not classifying myself as the best person ever, but at least I'm trying, and I'm much better than her.

There's your problem right there. Why is negativity so threatening to you? Do you know that negativity is just as important and valuable as positivity? Can you see that she's hurting?

Your reaction shows that there is a lot of negativity deep inside you as well. She has come into your life to help you face it. I don't think she's infringing on your development. I think she's helping it.

She is mirroring the negativity inside you that you have to accept. I think it has to do with "the disesase of mediocrity" if I understand the term correctly. We are all mediocre and there is nothing wrong with that. Practicing self-development does not make you any less mediocre or better than the most negative person in the world.

[chris_crunch]

Pallero- Here are my thoughts:

On 6/15/2016 at 8:55 AM, Pallero said:

Why is negativity so threatening to you? 

It depends what you want out of life. If I want to be successful, I need to surround myself with people who are killing it and crushing it and life, right? So I don't like being around her- I find her toxic and poisonous. Yes, you can try look at the world from a rose-tinted lense but negative people rub off on you right?

On 6/15/2016 at 8:55 AM, Pallero said:

Do you know that negativity is just as important and valuable as positivity? 

I disagree, but this is interesting that you say that. Why so? 

On 6/15/2016 at 8:55 AM, Pallero said:

She is mirroring the negativity inside you that you have to accept.

Interesting. So seeing her flaws will highlight some of my own? I still think sharing time with positive people seems to do a better job at this thouugh... 

This is all good in theory but can you show me how to apply this in specific situations- examples?

 

 

On 6/15/2016 at 8:55 AM, Pallero said:

We are all mediocre and there is nothing wrong with that. 

What?

There is everything wrong with that. The disease of mediocrity is the epidemic right now that's destroying humanity. We're growing too fucking soft, and end up destroying nature, ruining the planet and each other with our lack of curiosity, nobility and purpose.

There is everything wrong with mediocrity. In my eyes, anyone who isn't trying to come out of this is fucking pathetic. Anyone who sits, resonates with negative behavior, leeches of other people for their positive emotions and has no altruistic goals to help the human rest is quite frankly, pathetic.

[reez]

7 hours ago, chris_crunch said:

I disagree, but this is interesting that you say that. Why so? 

 

Interesting. So seeing her flaws will highlight some of my own? I still think sharing time with positive people seems to do a better job at this though... 

This is all good in theory but can you show me how to apply this in specific situations- examples?

 

 

This is my thoughts about these subjects I've quoted you on.

Well, to see any sort of positivity you have to see some negativity, else you don't truly see what is negative don't you? However life has a way of throwing obstacles our way without asking for it, so you should not surround yourself with negative people just to see some negativity. There are multiple ways to see different sorts of negativity that doesn't necessarily affect you in person. So have to say it's important, but I would never call it valuable.

People do a lot of time tend to seek faults within other people, but they aren't necessarily aware of having the same problems in themselves, so I guess you could say that people see mirrors of their own faults in other people, however that is obviously not always the case.

 

But like you said yourself, you wanna be successful and therefore should surround yourself with successful people, this does not necessarily cutting out every person who isn't successful, but rather the people dragging you down (toxic) should be cut out. I can't remember who said this, but "The books you read and friends you hang out with today, defines who you become in 5 years". So if you wanna be successful it is DEFINITELY a good idea to hang out with people who've made it or likely will make it.

Besides this, have you taken any action on the above subject? Have you talked to J or are you still figuring out what to do? 

[chris_crunch]

On 6/19/2016 at 0:17 AM, reez said:

Besides this, have you taken any action on the above subject? Have you talked to J or are you still figuring out what to do? 

Not all that much has changed.
At the minute, she's changing jobs again so she's not as negative as usual. I've also been travelling a lot and working a lot more in cafes, dealing with the situation by escapism. I will bring it up to J if there's another incident that pushes me over the edge, but for now I'm trying my best to talk to her about topics of her interest, let her complain... basically employing all the principals of Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People".

Thank you everybody for you input. I've finally came to the conclusion that this event is defined by my interpretation. If her negativity is aggravating me, it means there's a "hole in my castle" that's letting it in. I shouldn't be influenced at all by it. In fact, I should be so immersed in the development of my own life that I don't even recognize it. Though I want to help her, she must find her own way out. I just hope I'm able to provide a positive influence to her, and not the opposite- her a negative influence on me!

That's it, done. I'll know if this situation ever starts to bother me again, it's a sign that I must take better care of myself.
I'm actually thankful that she's keeping me in check this way.

-C

[DizIzMikey]

@chris_crunch have things in your life that raise you up, not down... because you are worth it.