Breakup because I'm not similar enough

[Elisabeth]

7 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Yeah good idea, if she gets too upset with me leaving her cold turkey I'll suggest to her that we can go to counselling. That way I'm not being an asshole and unfair on myself.

As others have pointed out, you're not an asshole if YOU need to leave cold turkey. It's ok to do. 

I don't know how severe your autism/alexithymia is and how well you can feel your own feelings now. Most neurotypical people would feel very hurt by the relationship breaking up, and the touch/sight of their former ex would be re-igniting both love and pain, making it impossible to deal with the pain once and for all. That's why cold-turkey breakups are a thing and they are ok to do even one-sidedly. If YOU need to break up cold turkey for your safety and healing, you do that. Examine your inner world and try to see what's going on. Don't take unnecessary pain. 

If you're not that hurt by a soft transition period, sure, you can help her out. I wouldn't go on a vacation, but you could have a talk and cuddle date (or just a talk date) say every two weeks for the next two months (or in progressively longer time intervals), with the clear intention to disentangle slowly, while encouraging her to find some other friends. But definitely do separation too. Don't see each other, or even text, every day. 

I didn't hear from you, whether YOU would like to continue to be a close friend of her once it's over. Think about that and tell us, tell her.

Maybe you don't know how you'll react. That's ok. You can try. But don't promise anything big like a vacation. Promise one date. That's it. Then watch your emotions, on the date, and days after. You'll know more hands-on. If keeping friendly with her feels good, then you can promise another meeting. 

[Elisabeth]

30 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

That is some weird shit.

Have you been fucking her properly? If you want to hook the ladies, get your bedroom game solid. Become a Sex God. Enter her soul through her panties. Then she won't care about no damn piano.

Increase your value as a man so she feels lucky to sleep with you.

He said she has abandonment trauma. And, as similarity attracts, she could be autistic too, having trouble relating and knowing what's appropriate. She has no other friends. Plus, they clearly have a value mismatch around spirituality.  

I kinda get her. Not gonna stay with a sex god who doesn't give a shit about my interests

Edited January 23, 2020 by Elisabeth

[SoothedByRain]

Detach yourself. Go spend a month alone or with other women. 

[electroBeam]

@Preety_India Yes! You're right. I told her im not kissing you on the lips because we broke up. She said 'relationship' is just a label, you don't need kissing on the lips to be only part of a relationship.

In a way, that's a very intelligent, relativistic analysis on the word relationship. In another way that's a very sneaky way of getting me to do what she wants.

You're right in everything you say.

@Harikrishnan You're right about only you can love yourself, but I'm not sure if cutting her off is the most Buddha way of doing it. I would imagine a Buddha will support her growth externally, giving her compassion and help while not having anything to do with her in terms of intimacy, and maintaining great distance.

I don't feel it in my gut to cut her off externally. I feel like that's an ego mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt. A subtle way of giving her revenge by making her suffer from what she's done. I really think i would regret that. But being kind to her and supporting her while keeping a very professional distance from her may be the better way. I really dont feel like doing it. I feel like saying fuck her for everything she's done, I feel like calling her dysfunctional, calling myself stupid for entering the relationship - but see this is all ego defence mechanisms. I have to go beyond that.

@Leo Gura I use to think all you needed was great sex too, and we had that for 2 years. But she wants more than sex, she wants a deep connection with me. For women like her, how hot you are is also who you are, not just what you look like or do in bed, and I don't look that good: I'm someone who believes in backwards woo woo spiritual bullshit like actualized.org and sadhguru, and I spend all my time doing that instead of doing very admirable, cool things like playing piano, learning karate, getting good at tennis. This is how she thinks, she has passive aggressively hinted this to me multiple times especially in the past 6 months. it's not attractive to have very little skills, for her. She knows 6 languages, plays 3 instruments and is continually learning. Because she doesnt have access to spirituality she doesnt see what i do. She thinks I'm a druggie because I enjoy watering my cactus and shrooms. Like I look terrible to her. Im also a loner which makes me look like an anti social nerd. This stuff didnt bother her at the beginning because unlike her previous boyfriends i was calm, cool, wise, open minded, very interesting alternative thinker with wildly interesting and deeply complex views. The more i showed her who i really am, all of the weird tantric stuff, weird Leo Gura videos, weird adyshanti videos, she has become alienated. She has told me multiple times that she feels insecure that I'm very Buddha like and am aiming to rid myself of all external sources of happiness. Im also very passionate about my career, and she believes that Im too passionate about it. Her dream is to have a good life: work 3 days a week, enjoy the beach, be very healthy and just live a good life. Me on the other hand, Ive sacrified all of my savings for my career, constantly going to different countries, talking to villagers in india, pakistan, malaysia, going to the US and talking to investors, I believe the world needs me to fulfull my life purpose for this world to be a better place. She sees this as a threat to the laid back relaxed life she wants. This is why she doesn't want sex with me. When she saw who I truly was(takes 2 years to find it) she realised I'm nothing like what she thought. Also her views of what shes wanted in a man has changed overtime which has complicated things.

@Elisabeth Thanks Elisabeth for your response, you seem to know my girlfriend very well. That is what I think is going on with her.

I can handle talking to her and maybe seeing her physically, but not touching her. That's the limit. I am autistic but she definitely is not. She's the opposite has extremely good social and emotional intelligence. But Im talking to her purely out of compassion, because I care about her relieving suffering. 

The more I analyse the situation, read about sexual and relationship psychology, and you guy's responses, the more I can see that this relationship is very dysfunctional. I didnt even realise, thought I was in one of the most healthy relationships on the planet. Thought she was the best girlfriend you could ever ask for. In some ways she is, but the dysfunction makes sticking with her a problem.

[iGhost]

Spank her, choke her, fuck her properly, insert your finger into her ass while in doggy. Be super dominant and unapologetic. You are being too soft probably.

 

See how it goes. Give her multiple orgasms through her clit and fingering first. Do some random crazy shit. Bring that masculine dominant energy. Not just into the bed. 

 

Sorry for the language. Being an asshole doesnt equal being dominant. When she says STOP, you stop. But only when she really means it...

 

Good luck buddy

[Elisabeth]

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she doesn't have any best friends beside me

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I am autistic but she definitely is not. She's the opposite has extremely good social and emotional intelligence.

How does that work together? If her social intelligence was good, she'd have a healthy network that she can rely on besides you. I'm not saying she isn't empathetic, or charming at first encounter, but no friends besides partner? Need to keep him around because she can't get support elsewhere? That to me points at some limitations. 

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I can handle talking to her and maybe seeing her physically, but not touching her. That's the limit.

Good work figuring out your boundary.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Elisabeth

[electroBeam]

9 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

How does that work together? If her social intelligence was good, she'd have a healthy network that she can rely on besides you. I'm not saying she isn't empathetic, or charming at first encounter, but no friends besides partner? Need to keep him around because she can't get support elsewhere? That to me points at some limitations. 

She has friends here who really like her, but she doesn't like them back. She's too picky and judgmental, so she doesn't call them best friends, just good friends or friends with problems.

She is originally from Latin America and has over 300 friends there and 4 super best friends that she dearly loves and they dearly love her. She immigrated to my country. So she relies on me as the crutch for her missing her Latin American friends.

She hasn't immigrated to my country well. She doesn't like my culture. I didn't even know my country had a culture.

Edited January 23, 2020 by electroBeam

[Elisabeth]

Quote

She has friends here who really like her, but she doesn't like them back. She's too picky and judgmental, so she doesn't call them best friends, just good friends or friends with problems.

She is originally from Latin America and has over 300 friends there are 4 super best friends that she dearly loves and they dearly love her. She immigrated to my country. So she relies on me as the crutch for her missing her Latin American friends.

I see.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Elisabeth

[Andrey]

This basically says that she is not sexually attracted to you. Why might this be? Attraction builds based on polarity, you also want to trigger her imagination. If everything becomes too familiar and stale, if you become too predictable, if you go out of your way every time just to please her you both will become depolarized. Spending less time together and giving room for the sexual energy to build up is vital. However, nowadays women are bombarded by horny guys all the time. So why should she stay with you? Basically you have to be a valuable man outside of the relationship and you should have learned how to fuck her properly by now.

P.S: Do you honestly want to be with this girl? Can you imagine her delivering your child?

[whoareyou]

30 minutes ago, iGhost said:

Spank her, choke her, fuck her properly, insert your finger into her ass while in doggy. Be super dominant and unapologetic. You are being too soft probably.

 

See how it goes. Give her multiple orgasms through her clit and fingering first. Do some random crazy shit. Bring that masculine dominant energy. Not just into the bed. 

 

Sorry for the language. Being an asshole doesnt equal being dominant. When she says STOP, you stop. But only when she really means it...

 

Good luck buddy

Exactly this and what LEO has said. 

Sorry to break it to you, but the sex that you had with her was not as "great" as you think. Most men think that they are sex gods, while in reality are very far from that. If you were to ask an average woman how many partners she has been with that she had great sex with, the answer would be 1/10. (you can do research and confirm that). This is of course an honest answer, and no woman will ever admit that to their partner, due to the fear of hurting them or their ego. 

Up your bedroom game.

Edited January 23, 2020 by whoareyou

[SoothedByRain]

41 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

@electroBeam

It seems by reading your posts that you know well you guys like each other, but aren't the thing.  Don't settle for something that is ok, when you can find a woman who will share a deeper intimacy with you. Staying with her and holding on that relationship is just holding you from pursuing the right one. That one should have more in common with you by sharing your interests or at least have the ability to scuba dive and vice versa.  You both have grown a part and have different sensibility, it is going to be hard to connect.

And as per the suggestions given by other gentlemen here, I don't think you'll make it through sex. To have really awesome sex, a woman needs a man to trigger her emotions either through fantasy (which is easily done by the natural overlay occurring during the early time of a relationship) or after that stage by being a guy she'll share mutual deep loving intimacy. Unfortunately, your problem is that she's does not having that feeling for you.

If you don't have the overlay or she's not crazy about your natural essence, the sex will be maybe good upon technic, but probably not God like.  

And even so, sex will not compensate for the problematic other area of the relationship.

Imo, you are just afraid of leaving the comfortable for the unknown.

Gold. @electroBeamGo and explore, alone or with new people.

[remember]

@electroBeam mhh there are more than one possibility what it could be, and she might not even be aware about  what it is herself:

1.it‘s in a sense a test, she likes you but misses the romantic caring part, which she describes as same interest, because that’s what she identifies with - what she really says is: you are not interested in me. and maybe it’s also a test if you would fight for her. you would have to find a way showing that you are interested in her in a different way. or be interested in one of her interests or combine what she likes in a new way, with something you are good at or like, so you both find a shared space of energy.

2.she likes you but she has a dream from her past, she wants to be fulfilled. classical cultural fairytale problem. the relationship in a sense is not that crisp anymore and she confuses the change from fresh lovers to lovers for a wear of or a change to partnership what in a ongoing relationship would only happen after a lot more time.

3.she is ambitious and calculating or already playing with the thought to change something majorly about her life, maybe moving on to another city or back home, or changing career - your relationship would not fit into the picture or the cliches.

4.love really has turned from love into friendship with some kind of benefits for her.

5.none of the above is correct.

after what you told it’s kind of difficult to say what it is - but whatever it is for her, i would try to answer number one. if you also manage to spice it up a little and make yourself more rare at the same time... but ask yourself if you want that, if it would be simply a game for you or if you even would like to play it if it is. would you maybe move to another country with her? and be able to adapt to her lifestyle instead of asking her to adapt to yours completely, are you able to compromise? is she someone you would like to marry? because that’s obviously what she wants to do in a two years time frame.... if she’s from south america... maybe that’s the answer. (don’t get me wrong but i know some latinas and i guess it could be mostly about that part) i would not say it’s disfunctional but maybe you both are not able to find a shared space of energy anymore or are you? sometimes it means to create that.

Edited January 23, 2020 by remember

[electroBeam]

@Etherial Cat yes exactly right. Great sex may help you keep her for 2 years, but its not a long term strategy. You need much more than sex. 

Unfortunately we are just too different after reflection, and I see now why she wants to break up.

@remember She actually wants to live in my city for the rest of her life. I don't, I want to move to the United States (because I'm the founder of a startup which is going really well). We've had fights about that since the beginning. I don't think I can compromise my life any more to suit her. I already did a lot to suit her. Unfortunately I'm maxed out. 

[remember]

@electroBeam then it’s better to decide for yourself, i guess she somehow drew the line where she had to - if you both see it, it’s probably better for you. there are situations in life where it seems like we have to choose, although it might be that we made our choice already long before - what then happens is just a consequence of that choice. be sure it’s a real choice. and even if no choice is also a choice - sometimes it’s better with a mindset choice.

[Leo Gura]

Of course if there is a values mismatch that should kill it long-term. Sex can't resolve that problem.

But if that's the case, cut it off rather than this kissing for 2 years until she gets a new boyfriend. That's just silly.

With relationships, by dragging it out the suffering is made much worse.

[Display_Name]

On 1/22/2020 at 2:54 PM, electroBeam said:

So she basically wants to kiss(on lips too) and cuddle with no sex for next 2 years and then when she finds a boyfriend transition to a best friend sort of arrangement. 

Lol. Hypergamy at it's best

[whoareyou]

Read "The way of superior man". Become more dominant as a man and create polarity. A man who doesn't lead, doesn't know what he wants, and is unsure of himself - will never be the man that woman respect and that crave to be with. 

[electroBeam]

@whoareyou actually our relationship split partially because I was too dominant: I am in love with my career, so much that on occasions I would neglect her. I knew exactly what I wanted: to be a world class leader in in my company's area of expertise. And that scared her, because she saw that for the rest of my life I will be working minimum of 60 hours a week, even though I would be extremely successful. Also she's the type that just wants to retire on an island. I'm not like that, I want to be Elon Musk.

She also had to rearrange her stuff on my schedule because I was the busy one, with a strong purpose in life. I knew exactly the life I wanted, and tried to get her to follow it.

She got sick of this about 1 year into our relationship. She wanted things to be on her terms. We fought a lot about it. I eventually decided to reduce my dominance to give her more freedom. This she deeply appreciated.

 

Being dominant is just part of the equation, and being too dominant is not a good thing: you're just being an asshole. A relationship is a team sport and you need to care for the other person's feelings, wants and their growth. Life isn't all about you, and what makes a man truly attractive is how much he praises her/compliments her, makes her feel good about herself, supports her woman's growth, cares for her, ensures her needs are met, shows her how to live a better life, and helps her with her problems, while maintaining their own life, purpose and integrity.

 

The problem with our relationship was a values mis match, had nothing to do with this macho PUA crap of dominance or better sex.

[whoareyou]

@electroBeam Something tells me that you are not being honest here, it doesn't add up.

You claim to be "too dominant", yet you are okay with just laying in bed kissing, putting up with something that is clearly not okay with you, and you are here asking for advice on what you should do?

You can play the cover of "values mis match" all you want, but something tells me it's more than that, and that you would most likely have similar issues in your future relationships, if you don't address them now.

 

[Farnaby]

1 hour ago, electroBeam said:

@whoareyou actually our relationship split partially because I was too dominant: I am in love with my career, so much that on occasions I would neglect her. I knew exactly what I wanted: to be a world class leader in in my company's area of expertise. And that scared her, because she saw that for the rest of my life I will be working minimum of 60 hours a week, even though I would be extremely successful. Also she's the type that just wants to retire on an island. I'm not like that, I want to be Elon Musk.

She also had to rearrange her stuff on my schedule because I was the busy one, with a strong purpose in life. I knew exactly the life I wanted, and tried to get her to follow it.

She got sick of this about 1 year into our relationship. She wanted things to be on her terms. We fought a lot about it. I eventually decided to reduce my dominance to give her more freedom. This she deeply appreciated.

 

Being dominant is just part of the equation, and being too dominant is not a good thing: you're just being an asshole. A relationship is a team sport and you need to care for the other person's feelings, wants and their growth. Life isn't all about you, and what makes a man truly attractive is how much he praises her/compliments her, makes her feel good about herself, supports her woman's growth, cares for her, ensures her needs are met, shows her how to live a better life, and helps her with her problems, while maintaining their own life, purpose and integrity.

 

The problem with our relationship was a values mis match, had nothing to do with this macho PUA crap of dominance or better sex.

I think we sometimes make the mistake of thinking about dominance like neglecting behavior, passive-aggressiveness (or explicit aggressiveness), being rude, etc. IME that's not a good way to be attractive (maybe for some girls this is attractive, but it usually ends in a toxic relationship). 

Dominance is more about being grounded, confident, taking responsibility, not blaming, not being afraid of embodying your feminine side too, taking the lead AND at the same time being willing to be present with her feelings, making her feel safe.

Each relationship is different and this may be just my experience. However, I've found that when I feel and act this way the passion between my girlfriend and me increases. 

On the other hand, if you act like a traditional macho type (dismissing her feelings, compensating for your insecurities, letting your ego take control and wanting to be right all the time for example), IME this is not the kind of "dominance" women tend to be attracted to. The same goes for being too passive, scared to take the lead, being too much of a people-pleaser, etc. That's the other extreme and IME depolarizes the relationship too.