Breakup because I'm not similar enough

[electroBeam]

Hi I've been dating an introverted smart girl for about 3 years now.

She has said that her feelings for me has changed in the past 6 months. She doesn't see a future with me because I'm not similar enough to her. I don't enjoy playing piano, or learning new languages. Which makes me different. 

Because I don't like doing those things, and rather like doing spirituality(something she doesn't like much) her feelings have changed. She told me she now sees me more like a family member. She likes to cuddle and kiss me still. But she doesnt want to have sex with me anymore and wants to (in 2 years) find a boyfriend.

So she basically wants to kiss(on lips too) and cuddle with no sex for next 2 years and then when she finds a boyfriend transition to a best friend sort of arrangement. 

 

I thought this was retarded so I told her let's just go our separate ways. She was a bit sad about that but preferred that to staying in the relationship. She still wants to hang out with me though because she said she loves me still and can't handle going cold turkey.

 

But I do love her a lot and she has a lot of qualities that I think are perfect for me. I'm starting to think maybe I should try to get back with her somehow... or maybe not. Maybe this thing is well past it's due date.

What does this mean? I don't understand how you can want to kiss and cuddle in bed but no sex. And how you can love me as deeply as your mum(her words) but want to break up?

This is half a friend zone after 1.5 years....

 

What am I doing wrong? She told me she loved sex with me and thinks I'm attractive, but she's turned off from sex because she sees we have no future. And she wants to break up before we have kids because it will be a lot more intense to break up then.

She did admit she's confused.

 

What am I doing wrong? Not flirting enough? Am I too boring?

 

I basically spend my entire week meditating, growing my psychedelics and work. Back before she went through this phase I also took her out to dinner and to parks and holidays to various places. 

 

I don't think she will leave this phase if I do nothing. So I'm wondering if there are anything else I can try. It will make me feel better to know that I tried to save the relationship before giving up on it prematurely.

[Kshantivadin]

Bro, you've got a lot to learn with women. Read The Way of the Superior Man.

I can't give you concrete advice though. I'm not that experienced myself either. But your post seems overly rational.

[electroBeam]

@Kshantivadin sure. She probably is dissatisfied because I'm not her ideal male(someone who plays pianos and learns languages and skills) but at the same time deeply attached to me and loves me.

But I still don't get the loves me as a family part.

I have autism and I've read that book.

[Preety_India]

It seems you are stuck in a rut. 3 years is too much. I take only 4 months. If a relationship doesn't pan out, I immediately break up. 

Not too much time in life to spare for a relationship of years. If this is the state of a relationship after 3 years, it's not worthy at all!! What are you thinking 

I would have gotten married, had kids in that span of time, jet speed. 

You're just wasting time and by refusing to let go, you're wasting even more time. 

She is clearly not compatible with you. 

If her feelings have changed in the past 6 months, then that is the biggest red flag from a woman. I'm not saying she is good or bad. Just saying that she is not on the same level of commitment. When a woman says that, she is not prepared to be with you. That's the signal she is giving already. 

She is also not stating boundaries clearly, bad sign. Because she wants to cuddle you but still wants another boyfriend. This means she just wants you around like a cute cuddle toy. That's a bummer.. 

There's no point in saving a relationship that is anyway going to be lost. Because once a woman makes up her mind, that's it!! 

She has made up her mind that she is done. That's why she called off the sex part. 

You're already too late on giving up on a fruitless relationship that is going nowhere. That's because you are bonded to her and can't let go. 

Yet she is not totally in love with you or else she would give it many chances. 

Let it go. Try finding someone better and compatible before your age runs out. Because once you waste too much time, you won't get even the ones that you could have got. 

Get rid of relationships that are simply a drain of your time and feelings. 

 

[electroBeam]

@Preety_India Yes those definitely are red flags. Was wondering if it could be reversed but I think you're right. Its over and have to find someone else.

@Etherial Cat Yes I think you nailed it on the head. She is the sort of person who likes building up skills like languages and piano. And she doesn't feel ok with me not having those interests because she cant share her life with me. On the other hand I meditate and a bunch of other stuff and I can't share that with her. I'm ok with that though because spirituality is so esoteric that you can't share it with anyone if you don't want to be alienated. 

But yeah I just don't see it as a valuable use of time to put so much time into building up skills which are useless, especially when that time can be spent on talking to DMT machine elves.

We do have common interests: both value health and wellbeing, hard work ethic, pushing yourself and growing(albeit in different ways), being humble, respectful, being kind to each other. We have a good system where she does some things and I do others and we work together to save time to get all the choirs done. 

We also do enjoy watching movies together and going on holidays and hikes together. And our sex life is fine.

 

It was really just the above which was the problem. And I didnt see how it was such a huge problem in the scope of things but it must be. 

I agree with you that I'm not seeing all the bad, just the good, and that is very biased. 

[Ananta]

I didnt read all replies, sorry, but here goes...

Aren't you the guy who wanted to break up with his GF because you wanted to move out of the country for your job? Didn't you say you wanted to break up with her? I'm pretty sure it was you.

Anyways, you haven't put enough quality time and effort into the relationship maybe and she could have slowly fell out of love with you, but still loves you. That's what's going on I think. Want to turn this around? You will need to spend time taking her out and making her fall in love with you again, otherwise she won't get back the sex/romantic feelings for you.

Oh, the reasons she gave are just excuses, imo, because she couldn't say she has fallen out of love with you. Sometimes women know they are no longer "in love", but aren't sure why.

This is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, but it's happened to me in relationships, so that's what I'm basing it on. I literally told him I feel like we are family,  but I'm not "in" love with you anymore. I had been neglected too long.

[Elisabeth]

I think your gf was extraordinarily honest with you, which is good. Her feelings are not that weird.

First, in long-term relationships it's quite common (for women?) that we are feeling very safe touching and kissing and being held, but the sex drive is gone. In fact, it's hard to keep the erotic spark. Romantic energy naturally declines after about two years, while this other kind of loving attachment - yes, similar to how you love your family - keeps growing over time. Even if two people become incompatible and want to break up, its not unusual to miss physical closeness (not sex) the most. 

Second, while breaking up over hobbies seems superficial, she's probably correctly reading an incompatibility in your expectations for life. You should take her seriously. Sometimes incompatibilities can be sorted out, but in your case, you broke up. Which is probably good. I don't think you can change her mind.

Her honesty about still wanting contact but not wanting a future together gives you the freedom to choose how the dissolution of the relationship should go. Should you delete each other's numbers and never see each other again? Should you separate for six weeks (or more), then see if you can attempt friendship? Should you try some more gradual process, where you see each other less and less? (Hint: Option 2 is often recommended to give each person time to grieve, then talk to each other from a clean state; but I've also got a friend who did option 3, she said it was more painful than going cold turkey, but she learned much.) There's no one right way to do relationships, so you can choose yours. Just try to not get caught up in a limbo where you're neither together nor separated, or in an oscillation, where you attempt to be with her, then break up again several times - as this can put your dating life on hold for years. Agree on a process and head towards a separation with clear friendship-like boundaries in place. That is, if you too want to be friends after what happened. 

[DrewNows]

9 hours ago, electroBeam said:

 

What am I doing wrong? She told me she loved sex with me and thinks I'm attractive, but she's turned off from sex because she sees we have no future. And she wants to break up before we have kids because it will be a lot more intense to break up then.

She did admit she's confused.

 

What am I doing wrong? Not flirting enough? Am I too boring?

 

I basically spend my entire week meditating, growing my psychedelics and work. Back before she went through this phase I also took her out to dinner and to parks and holidays to various places. 

 

I don't think she will leave this phase if I do nothing. So I'm wondering if there are anything else I can try. It will make me feel better to know that I tried to save the relationship before giving up on it prematurely.

Don't get lost in her words mate, the only thing it seems you've done wrong is being unwilling to let (her) go psychologically, not even necessarily physically. Being too attached is unattractive. Self reflection is good, it's not all about her, it's time to stop sacrificing needs/wants/self respect. All the stories she tells you might hold some truth/validity but, in all honesty, what matters is you both seem unwilling to assist in each other's growth. Cultivate some self love/empowerment, make some changes for yourself, start talking to other girls and doing or focusing on more of what makes you feel good and supports your happiness. Don't waste too much time on focusing and trying to change what you cannot. If she ain't with you in the way you'd like, and ain't chasing you, she's using you  (and this is fine if it's what you want, but perhaps it's only your self imposed limitations) 

[electroBeam]

@Elisabeth @DrewNows Yes good insights thanks. Definitely think this is the best option.

1 hour ago, Anna1 said:

 

I literally told him I feel like we are family,  but I'm not "in" love with you anymore. I had been neglected too long.

Yeah but you love your family. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say I feel like we are strangers?

About a year ago I reduced my workload to spend more time with her. For the past 6 months she's been regecting dates and holidays that I offered her because she told me she was trying to get me to break up with her. Now that we've broken up she wants to go on dates(or something whatever it is) to restaurants and go on a holiday with me. I may do 2 dates and a holiday but will cut it off after that.

Definitely just breaking up with her, and doing my own thing is the best way I think.

[Ananta]

15 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Yeah but you love your family.

I meant, I loved him,  but wasn't "in" love anymore..meaning, romantically.

If she's sending you mixed signals you'd have to ask her why? Is she trying to start over with you? (Ie, now wants to go on dates)

15 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Definitely just breaking up with her, and doing my own thing is the best way I think.

Then, you aren't still in love her or you don't think it's worth the effort to get her back. No problem with that, just calling it like I see it. 

Or you aren't right for each other and should split, but these things are for you to decide, since we don't know you or your relationship. 

 

[electroBeam]

3 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Then, you aren't still in love her or you don't think it's worth the effort to get her back. No problem with that, just calling it like I see it.  

Well I am, and I do think the effort is worth it. It just seems like she has 200% decided the romantic part is over, and only the best friend part can remain. And these dates are a way for her to hang out with a best friend(because she doesn't have any best friends beside me). But I'm interested in a romantic relationship not a friendship. That's all.

8 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

If she's sending you mixed signals you'd have to ask her why? Is she trying to start over with you? (Ie, now wants to go on dates)

hahahahahaha you really think women are that transparent? Asking her that will yield a quantum mechanics puzzle that would take me decades to solve.

 

Actually I did ask that. Why dates if it's over? She said because she still loved me and it's tough to leave me and anything can happen in the future. But she said no matter what happens I will always be her best friend and family. Then she said her father abandoned her as a child and she has trauma over that. Her previous boyfriend after 1.5 years just left out of the blue, and she suffered a lot from that and doesn't want it to end like that for us. She also said she doesn't see why breaking up has to be so horrible and why we still can't cuddle and kiss after breakup........

Too confusing for my autistic brain.

 

Just feel like I'm being played. 

[Ananta]

@electroBeam Ppl usually have to feel somewhat invested to try to make something work that has fallen apart and if she just wants to be friends and nothing more, then you have to think what's best for you at this point.

Many times its separating completely for awhile and reconnecting as friends later after your feelings aren't so intense. Her expecting you to go from romantic relationship to friends with cuddling and kisses isn't fair to you.

Lastly, you could ask her if she wants to try counseling to help with the transition or maybe it would reveal if she thinks there is a possiblity of rekindling the spark. 

[electroBeam]

Yeah good idea, if she gets too upset with me leaving her cold turkey I'll suggest to her that we can go to counselling. That way I'm not being an asshole and unfair on myself.

[Ananta]

@electroBeam ❤

[Preety_India]

@electroBeam  you're being played. Maybe that's not her intention but that's what is happening. 

Women who have suffered trauma are not able to deal with their shadows openly therefore they begin to justify their bad behavior by using their past trauma. Don't fall in that trap. You deserve a healthy woman. If she is not happy with you she should just break up with you and move on. But she wants you as a teddy bear. She doesn't want a horrible break up because she doesn't want to deal with the emotions of losing you. But that's her deal. 

Often traumatized women display emotionally abusive behavior. This they do without knowing it themselves. 

She does not try to solidify the relationship. This is a big sign that you don't have a future with her, once you know this, you know that staying in it is like being played but she wouldn't admit it because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. 

You will need to get the confidence to be upfront and tell her that you are breaking up for good even though it hurts her because this will make her realize that she cannot do that to other men and that men will leave her once they realize that she is just using them as a crutch. 

You need to make her realize that. 

Both men and women need stable partners not people to counsel for their past trauma. For that she can attend therapy. And yes she can make good friends with lots of men and women. She doesn't have to use boyfriends as crutches and ruin their time. 

You need to seriously move on. She is not going to be productive for you in any way.. 

Rest of the stuff she says like why can't she do this or that is plain emotional blackmail. 

My ex had called me last week and asked me why we can't be friends anymore especially when I'm already in a new relationship. And then proceeded to say romantic/sexual things to me. And told me that I'm not open minded enough to allow that. This is just emotional blackmail whichever gender does it. 

Ask her if she would do hugging and kissing when you have a new girlfriend and she would probably say yes. She will be willing to even damage your relationship for her emotional needs. Would your new woman like that? 

You need people who give YES OR NO answers in relationships not vague or wishy washy. Be very careful about that part. Any woman who gives you mixed signals is bad news. Because they will forever give mixed signals. 

Move on to someone who wants to have a future with you in a practical way, and don't fall for emotional blackmail bullshit. 

Severe all ties with her and make your boundaries clear. 

She can find her cuddly teddy bear in some guy who is simply happy being her boy toy. 

Good luck 

Edited January 23, 2020 by Preety_India

[DrewNows]

@Preety_India blaming is pointless, doesn’t matter who’s lap you fall into 

there’s no bad guys/girls in these relationships, only shattered souls. Pointing the finger is ignoring the opportunity to learn/grow 

leave no room for entitlement, we get what we ask for whether that be consciously or unconsciously 

[Harikrishnan]

Man once its over no more dating or holidays. Its not worth it. 

6 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Actually I did ask that. Why dates if it's over? She said because she still loved me and it's tough to leave me and anything can happen in the future. But she said no matter what happens I will always be her best friend and family. Then she said her father abandoned her as a child and she has trauma over that. Her previous boyfriend after 1.5 years just left out of the blue, and she suffered a lot from that and doesn't want it to end like that for us. She also said she doesn't see why breaking up has to be so horrible and why we still can't cuddle and kiss after breakup........

 

Have compassion for her in your heart but dont show it outside by being with her anymore. Cut her off with love in your heart for her. Let her resolve her own shadows. No one can save anyone, its you who want deep love and its only you who can give deep love so love yourself more and move on.

[Preety_India]

@DrewNows wasn't trying to blame. Just said facts. 

Nobody is bad or good. But in relationships we often get used played unwittingly and without the other person intending. Was just pointing that out. 

When a relationship has no future, it's best to cut losses. 

 

[Leo Gura]

19 hours ago, electroBeam said:

So she basically wants to kiss(on lips too) and cuddle with no sex for next 2 years and then when she finds a boyfriend transition to a best friend sort of arrangement. 

That is some weird shit.

Have you been fucking her properly? If you want to hook the ladies, get your bedroom game solid. Become a Sex God. Enter her soul through her panties. Then she won't care about no damn piano.

Increase your value as a man so she feels lucky to sleep with you.

[Harikrishnan]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

That is some weird shit.

Have you been fucking her properly? If you want to hook the ladies, get your bedroom game solid. Become a Sex God. Then she won't care about no damn piano.

is piano a symbolic represenation of fingering and love for foreign language oral ?