So i've become the wall in my room 5 days ago, I'm still fucked though

[khalifa]

Well this nonsense anxiety is still on going, still agitated, nervous, night of fears continue this battle continues every night, It's been getting better and worse rollercoaster wise.

I thought everything was going fine and boom all of a sudden vibrations started to be on going since that morning where My mind/consciousness decided to troll me by merging into that wall, At first the night before it, I remember my consciousness being unstable shaky wise, trying to zoom out of the body but it eventually stood still enough for me to sleep but the moment i woke up, few minutes later on bed, i roll around and bam it just decides to leave and go through the wall and then suddenly become the wall even though it felt like the distance it went through had no location, No idea how to explain it in physical terms.  I don't even know what to make out of that experience at first, I just bursted out of laughter because it was just ridiculous trying to laugh myself way into control that i'm sane, yet my heart rate was pacing with fear blood pressure seemed very high could feel it hitting my head. it was still on going till now.

Not sure what the cause is could be some caffeine from some cocoa chocolate i've had, that's the only thing I've noticed being different diet wise since it's rare when i do eat some cocoa choco, but even then i'm not even sure if that was really the reason why.

 

I honestly don't even understand what is going on most of the time, I can't really tell what the fear is about, even as I try to see it for what it is, I want to run away mostly and I just seem to come up with it's the previous 5meo hit messing up my chem state making me unstable. Even though it's clearly been 5months i shouldn't be experiencing anything this bad yet mind is so powerful placebo wise in making it seem so real.

 

I seem somewhat stable on days, it's just when i close my eyes i feel bad when i look within me, it's like broken well being, there is no peace within me, I feel like my soul has been raped way too many times over and over with no real peace. My blood pressure seems to be quite high most of the time. Not sure if it's because of the anxiety.

I feel better in mornings since i don't have to face the darkness void, but even that distraction doesn't last long since i still have to face these troubled nights at every night. Some nights i manage to drop asleep quick some it takes forever or rather i don't sleep but it feels like I'm half awake all night with paranoia of a soul rape ambush. It feels awful to be that alert trying to defend myself it feels stressful since i'm just trying to sleep. Even though i try to let go. 

 

I'm wondering why does it seem so difficulty to awaken or experience enlightenment if this is anything like what it's supposed to be and not some chem imbalances.

I'm pretty sure i don't mind believing in nothing and infinity and my self is an illusion concept wise, since i went to trying 5meo believing in that before trying it out, yet practically i feel like it's taking a toll on my body, it's just so automatically stressful that I have no control but to feel shitty all the time if that is what it feels like i'm experiencing, I'm still not convinced this is an awakening process, it feels like it's just some chem imbalance nonsense to be honest.

Although i will admit that I did freak out and not let go on my trip and it was just a terror trip that was on going for a very long time, that felt like death as i was trying to just breath and stay alive freaking out. Perhaps that NDE freak out is the reason why my experience is so shitty so far. Doubt i even care about getting a mystical experience or awakening/enlightenment part for now, I just want to be healthy normal and live a simple present life as khalifa being content with mundane life, approaching small things that interest 'it', taking it easy relaxing with an easy flow. I guess it's just my ego trying to stabilize itself as wanting more control even if it's content with it in simple ways like that.

I understand this on a base level yet the terror doesn't even change or shift to peace, it's strange it just wants to be there, no matter what the momentum isn't changing, it does feel like maybe it's slowing down, but the phase still seems very strong, It may take up another 8 to 2 years approx for a full recovery at this point. Atleast that's what it feels like.

 

Bless you, Just wanted to share.

 

Edited January 21, 2020 by khalifa

[Red-White-Light]

@khalifa It sounds like you might be having early warning signs. If you're worried it might be a chemical imbalance just take some anti-phycotics for a couple of months, It should help you with stability. You say you feel half awake, that could be a sign of insomnia. 

 

[The1One]

On a trip, merging with EVERYTHING  (all walls and all objects) = realizing you're God

You almost got there but probably ego resistance of 'itself disappearing'

[OBEler]

@khalifa  maybe this sounds stupid, but what about taking 5 meo again because of unfinished business ?  

[Nahm]

6 hours ago, khalifa said:

Well this nonsense anxiety is still on going, still agitated, nervous, night of fears continue this battle continues every night, It's been getting better and worse rollercoaster wise.

I thought everything was going fine and boom all of a sudden vibrations started to be on going since that morning where My mind/consciousness decided to troll me by merging into that wall, At first the night before it, I remember my consciousness being unstable shaky wise, trying to zoom out of the body but it eventually stood still enough for me to sleep but the moment i woke up, few minutes later on bed, i roll around and bam it just decides to leave and go through the wall and then suddenly become the wall even though it felt like the distance it went through had no location, No idea how to explain it in physical terms.  I don't even know what to make out of that experience at first, I just bursted out of laughter because it was just ridiculous trying to laugh myself way into control that i'm sane, yet my heart rate was pacing with fear blood pressure seemed very high could feel it hitting my head. it was still on going till now.

Not sure what the cause is could be some caffeine from some cocoa chocolate i've had, that's the only thing I've noticed being different diet wise since it's rare when i do eat some cocoa choco, but even then i'm not even sure if that was really the reason why.

What if you are not a separate self, as in...what if what you’re believing is something other than you, is not actually.

Like “my mind / consciousness decided to troll me”. If you are not a separate self... separate from ”mind / consciousness”...then simply....thoughts arose. You, actual you, which is not separate.....you, as in - mind / consciousness -....nothing happened to you. You’re fine. You were fine the whole time. 

And where as you say “I remember my consciousness being unstable, shaky wise, trying to zoom out of the body”...if you are not a separate self, then you are the consciousness you’re talking about. Because you are the consciousness, the awareness of - you are fine, & you were fine the whole time. 

Likewise... “ my heart rate was pacing with fear blood pressure”. Listen to that, listen to how you feel...and let the thoughts, which are in discord, which are not true (the separate self),...go. 

 

Quote

I honestly don't even understand what is going on most of the time, I can't really tell what the fear is about, even as I try to see it for what it is, I want to run away mostly and I just seem to come up with it's the previous 5meo hit messing up my chem state making me unstable. Even though it's clearly been 5months i shouldn't be experiencing anything this bad yet mind is so powerful placebo wise in making it seem so real.

Yes, mind is the last stop, the most fundamental, the ground floor....it’s you. It’s also Love. In continuing to repeat the same perspective, that you are a separate self...separate of mind....separate of consciousness...separate of awareness.....what you’re perceiving is shaped by this perspective.  In this way, though it is going unseen and transpiring quite innocently....in this way you are believing you are a separate self. In that perspective, there is of course much fear. A separate self is temporary, separate from source, and lives & dies, etc. Feeling is YELLING this truth and there is still a refusal to listen to how you feel. 

Quote

I seem somewhat stable on days, it's just when i close my eyes i feel bad when i look within me, it's like broken well being, there is no peace within me, I feel like my soul has been raped way too many times over and over with no real peace. My blood pressure seems to be quite high most of the time. Not sure if it's because of the anxiety.

Nothing is ‘because of the anxiety’. In ignoring feeling, and believing thoughts rooted in the perspective of separatism....when that does not feel good....rather than considering the thought / perspective is simply not accurate or true....you keep believing it is. To keep believing it is - you label the Love....”anxiety”. It’s not anxiety, it’s Love, and it’s always True, always accurate. 

Love yourself in as many ways as you can think of. Let thinking which does not feel good to you go, in any healthy productive way you can. Meditation, a therapist, a book, a friend, modalities like reiki, massage, etc, etc. 

Quote

I feel better in mornings since i don't have to face the darkness void, but even that distraction doesn't last long since i still have to face these troubled nights at every night. Some nights i manage to drop asleep quick some it takes forever or rather i don't sleep but it feels like I'm half awake all night with paranoia of a soul rape ambush. It feels awful to be that alert trying to defend myself it feels stressful since i'm just trying to sleep. Even though i try to let go. 

Are you seeing the perspective at play there.....that you are a “separate self”....the ‘self’ which has to ‘face’ the ‘darkness void’, the ‘troubled nights’, the ‘paranoia’, the ‘soul rape ambush’...that needs ‘defending’. The reason it is difficult at night is because of the story....nothing actually changes when you turn off the light. Nothing actually happened or happens to you in this scenario. You were fine the whole time. In the plainest sense....did you encounter the ‘darkness void’, whatever you were paranoid of....did you actually encounter that, were you ‘soul raped’? No, of course not. 

 

Quote

I'm wondering why does it seem so difficulty to awaken or experience enlightenment if this is anything like what it's supposed to be and not some chem imbalances.

It doesn’t have anything to do with awakening really. It has to do with doing what’s actually satisfactory to you, in terms of clearing your conscience. 

Quote

I'm pretty sure i don't mind believing in nothing and infinity and my self is an illusion concept wise,

I’d say your feelings which you are communicating mind it very much. Nothing=Infinity=You.  Self is not illusory...the concepts are. Concepts about you being separate from consciousness, awareness, mind, love.....that is illusory. 

Quote

since i went to trying 5meo believing in that before trying it out, yet practically i feel like it's taking a toll on my body, it's just so automatically stressful that I have no control but to feel shitty all the time if that is what it feels like i'm experiencing, I'm still not convinced this is an awakening process, it feels like it's just some chem imbalance nonsense to be honest.

It’s not awakening. It’s the opposite really. It’s believing thoughts, attaching to concepts, identifying as a separate self, not listening to feeling, labeling things as the catalyst / culprit. 

Quote

Although i will admit that I did freak out and not let go on my trip and it was just a terror trip that was on going for a very long time, that felt like death as i was trying to just breath and stay alive freaking out. Perhaps that NDE freak out is the reason why my experience is so shitty so far. \

That right there is honesty....and you can tell by how it feels great and relieving. Stay focused there, more & more of that. 

Quote

Doubt i even care about getting a mystical experience or awakening/enlightenment part for now, I just want to be healthy normal and live a simple present life as khalifa being content with mundane life,

And right back to believing concepts. There’s no such thing as a mundane life. Life is an inexplicable miracle. “Mundane” is a concept. It doesn’t feel good, because it isn’t accurate or true, so let it go. 

Quote

approaching small things that interest 'it', taking it easy relaxing with an easy flow. I guess it's just my ego trying to stabilize itself as wanting more control even if it's content with it in simple ways like that.

“My ego”....perspective is not going to feel good either. 

 

Quote

I understand this on a base level yet the terror doesn't even change or shift to peace, it's strange it just wants to be there, no matter what the momentum isn't changing,

When you focus on that perspective, as if you were a separate & helpless self....it does not feel good. 

Quote

it does feel like maybe it's slowing down, but the phase still seems very strong, It may take up another 8 to 2 years approx for a full recovery at this point. Atleast that's what it feels like.

That doesn’t feel good either. 

Quote

Bless you, Just wanted to share.

Writing about feelings is a great was to develop / extract emotional intelligence & self honesty. 

[cetus]

@khalifa Road trip.

[PlayOnWords]

@khalifa sorry to hear you're suffering like this.

Martin Ball, the guy who did an interview with Leo on 5-MeO, says something about this. 

I'm paraphrasing but the essence of it is this:

If a person were to engage in taking 5-MeO just the once, instead of 2-3 full rounds, it is possible for them to be traumatized by the experience. Going into the first experience with resistance is common, but if the person were to stop there and not fully go into the experience by taking another hit, it is possible that it will cause trauma in the individual. The person has to have the initial "OH MY FUCKING GOD ARGGGHHH" and then after that, the person can go again immediately and surrender easier to the experience. Basically, the second/third hits will be easier than the initial hit and that's where the positive effects will come from. Stopping at the resistance (first) stage can cause problems and even PTSD afterwards. 

I strongly suggest you read his book Entheogenic Liberation. It explains it all in there in better detail. You can download it for free from Audible if you sign up for a 30 day free trial. 

I have no experience with 5-MeO-DMT so don't take my word for any of what I have said. Except the 30 day free trial from Audible I think you will find answers in that book. 

[Dlavjr]

I struggled with this for a bit and still do after having a pretty startling DMT awakening followed by multiple awakenings through a combination of weed and meditation. Watch your thoughts, observe them as such, see them as passing by, almost as if you're picking up a radio signal. Nothing has changed, you're just aware of what is and what has always been. What seems like a traumatic experience through a dualistic lens is actually the beauty that always was through a wholistic one. It may take time and some serious honesty with oneself, along with days and weeks on end with constantly being in check of your mind as to keep it from wandering off into unconscious paranoia, but you're not condemned to some psychotic existence. Understand that the "mundane, normal, unconscious" ego life and the "nondual, infinite, void" of existence are one in the same. 

The best advice I've gotten, and what worked for me the most, is that when you start to feel fearful, rather than run away from it, sit in it. Feel the fear. Analyze the fear. Understand it, and let it go. Fear is not necessary, here. You're projecting fear onto an otherwise neutral existence. 

I had to stop smoking and take everything in while sober in order to really allow myself to soak in what I experienced in my trip, and while there are times where I'll be alone and my thoughts wander off and I conceptualize this "terror", I've learned to feel into it, to watch it. Get to know your true self, and understand how it all connects, then ask yourself why you perceive it to be so "horrific". 

You're part of an infinite creation of love, you're a facet of the eternal constant, there are many layers to the cake but it's still a cake. Understand that it all exists, and it exists within you, outside of you, and because of you. 

[AlwaysBeNice]

Still gotta go deeper with meditation and self-enquiry, witness being can't be afraid -and all thoughts are untrue

[Mu_]

On 1/21/2020 at 11:45 AM, khalifa said:

Well this nonsense anxiety is still on going, still agitated, nervous, night of fears continue this battle continues every night, It's been getting better and worse rollercoaster wise.

I thought everything was going fine and boom all of a sudden vibrations started to be on going since that morning where My mind/consciousness decided to troll me by merging into that wall, At first the night before it, I remember my consciousness being unstable shaky wise, trying to zoom out of the body but it eventually stood still enough for me to sleep but the moment i woke up, few minutes later on bed, i roll around and bam it just decides to leave and go through the wall and then suddenly become the wall even though it felt like the distance it went through had no location, No idea how to explain it in physical terms.  I don't even know what to make out of that experience at first, I just bursted out of laughter because it was just ridiculous trying to laugh myself way into control that i'm sane, yet my heart rate was pacing with fear blood pressure seemed very high could feel it hitting my head. it was still on going till now.

Not sure what the cause is could be some caffeine from some cocoa chocolate i've had, that's the only thing I've noticed being different diet wise since it's rare when i do eat some cocoa choco, but even then i'm not even sure if that was really the reason why.

 

I honestly don't even understand what is going on most of the time, I can't really tell what the fear is about, even as I try to see it for what it is, I want to run away mostly and I just seem to come up with it's the previous 5meo hit messing up my chem state making me unstable. Even though it's clearly been 5months i shouldn't be experiencing anything this bad yet mind is so powerful placebo wise in making it seem so real.

 

I seem somewhat stable on days, it's just when i close my eyes i feel bad when i look within me, it's like broken well being, there is no peace within me, I feel like my soul has been raped way too many times over and over with no real peace. My blood pressure seems to be quite high most of the time. Not sure if it's because of the anxiety.

I feel better in mornings since i don't have to face the darkness void, but even that distraction doesn't last long since i still have to face these troubled nights at every night. Some nights i manage to drop asleep quick some it takes forever or rather i don't sleep but it feels like I'm half awake all night with paranoia of a soul rape ambush. It feels awful to be that alert trying to defend myself it feels stressful since i'm just trying to sleep. Even though i try to let go. 

 

I'm wondering why does it seem so difficulty to awaken or experience enlightenment if this is anything like what it's supposed to be and not some chem imbalances.

I'm pretty sure i don't mind believing in nothing and infinity and my self is an illusion concept wise, since i went to trying 5meo believing in that before trying it out, yet practically i feel like it's taking a toll on my body, it's just so automatically stressful that I have no control but to feel shitty all the time if that is what it feels like i'm experiencing, I'm still not convinced this is an awakening process, it feels like it's just some chem imbalance nonsense to be honest.

Although i will admit that I did freak out and not let go on my trip and it was just a terror trip that was on going for a very long time, that felt like death as i was trying to just breath and stay alive freaking out. Perhaps that NDE freak out is the reason why my experience is so shitty so far. Doubt i even care about getting a mystical experience or awakening/enlightenment part for now, I just want to be healthy normal and live a simple present life as khalifa being content with mundane life, approaching small things that interest 'it', taking it easy relaxing with an easy flow. I guess it's just my ego trying to stabilize itself as wanting more control even if it's content with it in simple ways like that.

I understand this on a base level yet the terror doesn't even change or shift to peace, it's strange it just wants to be there, no matter what the momentum isn't changing, it does feel like maybe it's slowing down, but the phase still seems very strong, It may take up another 8 to 2 years approx for a full recovery at this point. Atleast that's what it feels like.

 

Bless you, Just wanted to share.

 

I know how you must feel, this kinda stuff wether its brain stuff or awakening stuff or both.  I've been in your situation and it lasted a long time, some times more intensely and at others it was far less annoying and interfering as it felt at the time with living a "normal" life.  

I think the best way to approach this is from both angles.  If its brain damage that your worried about, what can you do, and if its awakening, what can you do?  My guess is its most likely awakening stuff.  And if it is, I suggest taking the time to just accept your situation in some way that you can accept.  Life itself can be fair, challenging, a struggle at times, and sometimes what seems to be unfair, we're never really sure what phase we are in or whats around the corner.  The rich could lose their money, the healthy could catch a dangerous flu or disease, the popular and attractive could get in a unforseen accident.  

You are where you are, and it sounds like a lot of your pain is worry about something happening again or never going away.  Are you 100% sure it wont go away or going to stay?  If not, just let it be the best you can and live your life, and when it gets challenging just calmly tell yourself that you'll get through this because all things change.

If your brain damage worry keeps you geniunly worried, then go find out how you can check. If you can't or its actually not possible to determine.  Then no need to keep your attention on that, right?

Feel free to message me, I've been in your shoes and have helped others in similar situations.

Edited January 22, 2020 by Mu_

[hundreth]

20 hours ago, Mu_ said:

I know how you must feel, this kinda stuff wether its brain stuff or awakening stuff or both.  I've been in your situation and it lasted a long time, some times more intensely and at others it was far less annoying and interfering as it felt at the time with living a "normal" life.  

I think the best way to approach this is from both angles.  If its brain damage that your worried about, what can you do, and if its awakening, what can you do?  My guess is its most likely awakening stuff.  And if it is, I suggest taking the time to just accept your situation in some way that you can accept.  Life itself can be fair, challenging, a struggle at times, and sometimes what seems to be unfair, we're never really sure what phase we are in or whats around the corner.  The rich could lose their money, the healthy could catch a dangerous flu or disease, the popular and attractive could get in a unforseen accident.  

You are where you are, and it sounds like a lot of your pain is worry about something happening again or never going away.  Are you 100% sure it wont go away or going to stay?  If not, just let it be the best you can and live your life, and when it gets challenging just calmly tell yourself that you'll get through this because all things change.

If your brain damage worry keeps you geniunly worried, then go find out how you can check. If you can't or its actually not possible to determine.  Then no need to keep your attention on that, right?

Feel free to message me, I've been in your shoes and have helped others in similar situations.

This is great advice.

 

The rest of you who are suggesting he do more 5 MeO. You are suggesting someone with PTSD symptoms and a sensitized nervous system take more of the most powerful hallucinogen known, which got him in this situation in the first place. What's wrong with you?

[Red-White-Light]

@hundreth Can't be a hallucinogen when reality is a hallucination.

[hundreth]

4 minutes ago, Red-White-Light said:

@hundreth Can't be a hallucinogen when reality is a hallucination.

Right, so why don't you just jump off a bridge now? 

Because we want to enjoy our hallucinogenic experience of reality. You experience life with some degree of caution because you value the game. So don't give me this bullshit.

[Red-White-Light]

@hundreth You didn't deny that reality was a hallucination you just questioned why I wouldn't commit suicide. There's no point in suicide when you are already dead.

[hundreth]

2 minutes ago, Red-White-Light said:

@hundreth You didn't deny that reality was a hallucination you just questioned why I wouldn't commit suicide. There's no point in suicide when you are already dead.

Agreed. There's no point in self harm either.