How To Deal With People Who Don't Respect You

[ElvisN]

I think the best way to deal with a person who's disrespectful and doesn't think much of you is to cut them from your life. And I did that.

However, sometimes I don't have a choice. And that person can really damage my self esteem. How can I deal with such a person who puts you down? They don't do it overtly, but covertly.

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, Vishal said:

I think the best way to deal with a person who's disrespectful and doesn't think much of you is to cut them from your life. And I did that.

However, sometimes I don't have a choice. And that person can really damage my self esteem. How can I deal with such a person who puts you down? They don't do it overtly, but covertly.

you dont deal with them, you dont make them a part of your life,  and you do have a choice, you are just not making it for whatever reason.

[abrakamowse]

8 hours ago, Vishal said:

I think the best way to deal with a person who's disrespectful and doesn't think much of you is to cut them from your life. And I did that.

However, sometimes I don't have a choice. And that person can really damage my self esteem. How can I deal with such a person who puts you down? They don't do it overtly, but covertly.

That's you thinking about what the other person is doing. Forget about him and notice those "thoughts" and let them go. Forget him entirely.

It's not him who put you down, you are putting yourself down by believing those thoughts. Don't empower those thoughts, and forget everything about it.

You are the one who has to give respect to yourself, forget to look for that on other persons opinions.

[aurum]

It depends on the person. Some random hater, I don't even give it a second thought or pay attention. If it's a girl I'm dating then respect is a must and I'd cut her out if I really felt like she didn't. A good friend I'd probably sit down and have a discussion with.

In the end there will always be people who don't respect you. You shouldn't aim for respect, respect is a by-product of living the life you want and self-actualizing. Focus on growth and thriving instead of coping.

[FindingPeace]

 

On 13/06/2016 at 7:35 AM, Vishal said:

And that person can really damage my self esteem

No one damages your self-esteem. Only you can do that by buying in to what others think of you. There is a saying "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Your self-esteem is affected because you don't think well enough of yourself without the external validation of others. Define your self-esteem from within, by yourself. Define your own sense of self and sense of worth. Love yourself. It's not other people's job to do that for you.

So what if others are disrespectful of you? This is real life, people are disrespectful. People are rude. People don't like you. People are difficult. But you don't have to engage with it. You can carry on regardless. Do your own thing, concentrate on yourself and your own life, not on what other's are doing or saying. You don't have to be reactive to it. It's of no real consequence to you what others think. You don't have to interract with them more than you need to. You don't have to listen to them. You don't have to behave like an ass back to them either. Just be yourself and get on with your life independently to them.

Life is full of these people and these challenges. We have to be more accepting of them and carry on regardless, shifting our focus back on to ourselves and not on to the actions and behaviours of others or their thoughts of us.

[key]

Ah some really great replies! 

It's a hard one to flip though, people's words can hurt. I highly recommend taking action on ones self internally as that's where your self-esteem issues originate, but...

If you wish to take external action, indifference is a mood killer for any bully, no matter how covert they are being, if you show how unfazed you are you've taken their one source of fuel. People who degrade others show nothing but how pitiful their own lives are, and to garner reactions of their victims give them a sense of fulfilment.

The power is all in your hands.

Regards 

K

Edited June 14, 2016 by Kenya

[ElvisN]

@charlie2dogs @abrakamowse @aurum @FindingPeace @Kenya Thank you all for your insightful replies.

I think what all of you are essentially saying is that if I feel disrespected it's because I think of myself that way.

After I posted the question, and before I read any reply, I had realized this. Yesterday.

I saw that it was a problem of self worth. I had an automatic unconscious emotional reaction to what he would do. My self esteem would get immediately damaged, and it would be difficult to recover from that.

Once I gained this awareness, it was easy for me to stop associating self worth with his opinion. I visualized that I have self worth regardless of what he thinks of me. And this helped sink this in my subconscious, which was important because I think this is primarily a subconscious problem.

Once again, thank you all for your thoughts. They are valuable, and have certainly helped me reinforce my lesson: don't rely on others for self worth, cultivate it from within. No one damages my self esteem without my permission. Crucial lesson.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Vishal

[jes]

Learn self love , self respect and self acceptance , everything else will be fine on its own  

[ElvisN]

That initial insight of self worth led to a far greater series of insights for me.

I saw just how wide and far reaching this self worth problem is in culture. Self worth is associated with wealth, knowing famous and wealthy individuals, physical appearance and these are just the common ones. There are many more, and all of these must be identified.

Ever since I've been dis-associating my self worth with anything. I try to make the distinction between that idea, object or person, and my self worth, and how they are unrelated, and how that thing cannot make me more worthy.

That has been a significant improvement to my peace of mind and self esteem. I used to have emotional reactions, both big and small, which have dissolved. Note that my self esteem was fairly high overall, on average, before this.

I also understood that this problem of associating self worth with ideas, objects, behavior, people and traits is the core of what creates low self esteem. This is the root of the problem. Once you understand that you have inherent self worth that is not determined by anything, you will have self esteem.

[abrakamowse]

When someone thinks something "bad" about you, that is a thought, and what you think about that fact is also a thought.

The key is to see that thoughts are not true, mindful meditation helped me a lot to dissociate with thoughts just observing them, 15 mins or 30 mins per day makes a big change.

Glad to know you are doing good.

[ElvisN]

@abrakamowse Thanks

I'm glad to see that you're making progress too  

[Saarah]

@Vishal Yes! And whenever someone is rude to you, make it impersonal. They're acting from their own place, wherever they are psychologically, emotionally etc. and you can cultivate your own inner worth to act from that rather than let other external sources dictate your inner world.

We don't need to judge other people based on the place they're in, if they're disrespectful that just happens to be the way they are. And it's perfectly acceptable for them to be that way 

 As long as we have our egos we have to think about this self-worth stuff  

[ElvisN]

@Saarah Agreed!

[Mal]

 

[Mal]

@Vishal

I happen to agree with Sarah. 

My take is that self-worth is a concept, something that is a necessary stage along the way of development but not the complete picture. 

The next stage is cultivating the skill of being generative.  This is about helping others free the shackles of their suffering while transcending ones own limitations. 

This is what Maslow meant when he coined the term Self Transcendence.  

Mal

[ElvisN]

@Mal As I overcome these shackles my consciousness grows and I'm suddenly able to see how others are also tied to them, which allows me an opportunity to liberate them.

[Mal]

@Vishal

What else are you on this planet for?

To transform it, or to run away into the hills like a coward and sit dissociated in the Absolute.  A place where nobody benefits.

The choice is ours

[ElvisN]

@Mal Kudos to that!

I love this process I'm going through of purging neurotic and dysfunctional patterns in thought, emotion and behavior, and attaining greater and greater freedom, in order to be myself. I love it when I can just be me, authentic.

[poimandres]

On 6/14/2016 at 9:25 AM, Kenya said:

Ah some really great replies! 

It's a hard one to flip though, people's words can hurt. I highly recommend taking action on ones self internally as that's where your self-esteem issues originate, but...

If you wish to take external action, indifference is a mood killer for any bully, no matter how covert they are being, if you show how unfazed you are you've taken their one source of fuel. People who degrade others show nothing but how pitiful their own lives are, and to garner reactions of their victims give them a sense of fulfilment.

The power is all in your hands.

Regards 

K

To further add to this comment about power, if you try to defend yourself or take shots back at the bully, you will engage in a power struggle.  This is exactly what you want to avoid..

If he makes a joke about you @Vishal, my strategy would be to laugh it off first with no type of rebuttal, but your laugh has to send the message "You can't be serious, taking shots at me? Please...", non-verbally, then walk away.  I wouldn't take anything he said seriously, eventually it would start to show in my tone of voice and my word selection used with the one in question.

Do you feel comfortable explaining the situation further? Or where this person has put you down covertly as described in your original post? We might be able to offer further suggestions.

Edited June 18, 2016 by agnosis

[Vaishnavi]

You don't. Just watch them like really deeply observe them and you'll realise how much they're missing in life, that how they never will be able to live an actualized life and that they will die with the shitty habits they possess.

Knowledge of the fact that such people exists is important. For me they're like reminders as to how the world is growing neurotic and how much is available for everyone of us but they will never have the opportunity to experience true fulfillment. And of course of the fact that I have to continue working on myself.