Life Long Demon / Confrontation Fear / Taken Over my ENTIRE LIFE! Help please...

[Pilgrimage of Self]

Hello,

I am  27 and writing to you from Turkey.  First of all, Im a huge fan Leo  and been watching and following you for a years. Thanks for all the great ideas,concepts,habits  and just overall value I have acquired from you. I admire you and respect you deeply. You are an exceptional human being and I can't thank you how much I am grateful I have you in my life.

The reason I am writing this message to you and on this forum is that I want some advice and help with an issue that is without a doubt THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE of my entire life. It has always been. It is my biggest demon,fear,worst nightmare or whatever you wanna call it. This may seem absolutely laughable or ridiculous to you but I assure you, it is incredibly real to me and I want NOTHING MORE in this life to DEAL WITH THIS once and for all. PLEASE NOTE: I have been meditating religiously for 30 mins for 2+ years now and have the awareness to know that I am NOT a VICTIM. I know I am %100 responsible for my life and this issue is pathetic in comparison to the stuff other people deal with but bottom line is, this is my demon and I want to slay it once and for all

My demon is my inability to stand up for myself and my crippling fear of physical and verbal confrontation. I am terribly afraid of getting into a physical confrontation. Not only that but I have no idea how to establish any kind of boundary and protect them. I just dont know what to say or do  if somebody wants to “test me” or tease me or bully me. You know that “line” that everybody has that you know to not ever cross, because if you do there will be consequences,even physical ones? Yeah that line was destroyed when I was little and it never got drawn again.

I have had this problem since as early as I can remember, but in highschool shit got really bad. I was picked on and bullied relentlessly every.single.day without fail for 2 years. Constantly got harassed and teased. One of my nicknames was “little dick esat”. Even though nobody ever even saw my dick, they called it to me and it stuck. They called me this in front of girls, in front of a lot of people. Everyday was torture. I basically spent every second of everyday wondering when were they gonna call me what.

The worst part is of course I knew that I should have stood up for myself. Fought them multiple times if needed. Do whatever it takes…But I didnt…. And I could never come up with the “right comeback” or thing to say when they teased me and so felt like an absolute idiot,worthless,coward, scum of the scum…and it broke me. My self loathing and self hatred was immense. Eventually I got numb to it and developed a pathetic defeatist,loser attitude towards life in general.

Fast forward to now and im a lawyer (aint that a cruel irony. A lawyer who cant even defend himself). Havent yet worked as a lawyer though or at any kind of job and my life is incredibly neurotic and disfunctional. I have been staying at home with my parents for the last 4 years. Buried in my comfort zone but I am uncomfortable as fuck, living the same day over and over. And the most terrifying thing is that my brain and lower self acclimated to this fucked up prison life and it feels like and I get thoughts  like it would "be ok if it went on like this".... which is of course not true and this addiction to comfort (even though i am not really comfortable at all) is scaring me.... And have no friends, broke, no dating life, no idea what I really want to do (dont want to be a lawyer for life) and I have this massive problem. And not only that but my problem spread over to each and every aspect of my life. I avoid people alltogether basically and have this fake nice guy persona which is completely one dimensional. I have trouble getting close to people because I have this fear that whenever I spend some amount of time with somebody, they are gonna "find out the real me" and that "I have no boundaries" and lose all respect for me and pick on me etc.... And it does... the same pattern keeps on repeating...Now whenever somebody says something that could be interpreted as "being picked on" even if that wasnt their intention.... this massive weight is dropped on me and I feel it in my stomach, this wave of panic/terror washes over me and I freeze up and then feel defeatist as hell. When it happens, all I want to do is just drop all the positive habits,awareness work everything,stop trying and give up. OF COURSE Im not gonna actually DO THAT. Fuck that. But I wanted to demonstrate what I feel in those situations.

I am sorry that the tone of this letter is really negative and really long, you are a really successful,busy person who doesnt need any more negativity in their life but I HAD TO BE REAL with you. I cannot pretend that this problem doesnt exist and ignore it anymore or numb myself with mindless entertainment. Running away from shit doesnt work. It never did and never will. All I know is that, I do not want to be average and I want to live an extraordinary life and be an extraordinary human being and not waste this one life that I was given. So, I dont care if you just say to me “stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fight somebody” just please tell me your opinion on how to fix this problem once and for all.

Thank you and thanks to anybody else who bothers to read/respond and help me.  I appreciate it a lot.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Pilgrimage of Self

I know what you feel, seems like you have surpressed a lot anger for being mistreated and that's why you feel like standing up for yourself will results with physical confrontation. That's your fear saying you that - that if you will stand up for yourself and create healthy boundries, someone will beat you for having your own own opinions. 

First of all - small steps, it's quite the opposite of what you are describing here. If you will not create boundries, people will treat you like shit, because you treat yourself like that, so why would they give a shit about you? I know it sounds harsh, but that's the reality. 

Getting angry is nothing bad, anger is an emotion, like every other one and the more you resist it, the more denser and darker your shadow becomes. And after surpressing it for too long, it becomes pathological. There will come a time, where you will burst out of anger or do something stupid and you can get into some trouble because of that and that may really lead to physical abuse, if your reaction will not match the situation.

Start from today, stand up for yourself in every situation where you feel like you are getting abused. Your reactions might be not appropriate at first, but trust me, it will get better and more balanced with some time and you will get a lot of confidence and self-worth thanks to that. 

And the most important thing - do not feel guilty, if your reactions will not be the best, if anger will take control over you. It's a process and you will make a lot of mistakes during that. My mother didn't want to treat me bad and punish me for my narcissistic behavior and because of that, with time, she started to treat me like shit, because of repressed anger, for some little things I did. 

Admit to yourself, that you yourself have the right to be yourself and to have your own opinions. Self - compassion and self - love is the key here. 

Feel free to PM me if you'll need any advice.

Good luck  

Edited January 20, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[StephenK]

@28 cm unbuffed This is good advice.

[Pilgrimage of Self]

@28 cm unbuffed Thanks a lot for the response and the advice.  That part about suppressing emotions and especially anger is so fucking true. I have been living in this fucked up numb state for 10+ years now (since the climax of this problem which was highschool). The numbness is so bad that I can't even remember a time in my recent history where I was REALLY ANGRY. To the point when I see someone who is genuinely angry, I get JEALOUS of them. I think to myself "Wow...how lucky is she/he..how great for him/her... he/she has the ABILITY to feel that angry" How fucked up and unhealthy is that? Its like I am ashamed to be angry and even feel unworthy of it... because what is the point of getting incredibly angry and raging if you are not actually gonna do something with that anger and defend yourself and your boundaries? 

All this time I tried to bury it deep into my consciousness and deceive myself like I did not have this deep-rooted issue but its clear that it is a futile attempt. I always knew deep down that it was futile but hey, thats an issue for the "future me" right? Which is a terrible and stupid way of dealing with things obviously.

[Pilgrimage of Self]

@Leo Gura If and whenever you have the time, I would REALLY appreciate your input and advice on my problem Leo.  In any case, thanks for everything once again.

[Sempiternity]

My advice:

-There is no meaning other than what you create. Meaning is not inherent to the universe. Meaning is 100% a human (Ego) creation. All meaning you create, so only create the meaning that serves you, and don't create the meaning that doesn't. So if someone gets in your face, know it means nothing (other than the meaning you create). Don't make it mean anything. Say to yourself "whatever", and walk away. Create that the ones trying to dominate you, they mean nothing. Create that you mean the world to yourself. Create that you are your greatest love of your life. If that were true, what any one else thought would mean nothing to you. 

-There is only this moment. The past does not exist, except in your thoughts and memories. How you remember it is not truth, but your version of what happened. 'Now' is a blank page, and you are the screenwriter that is writing the story of what happened. So are you going to write a story of pain, suffering? Is the main character a victim and weak willed? Or are you going to write a story of the main character is at peace, and doesn't give a shit what other people think? Both are true, because you write them (how you remember). So write wisely.  

-People who like to dominate others feed off of the conflict. You seem to think that walking away is weakness. Consider that walking away from conflict takes the greatest strength. Don't feed the fire. Don't feed their desires to dominate. Don't say a word, just walk away from people like that. Doesn't matter if it's friends, family, or co-workers. That is the greatest strength. Cut toxic people out of your life. If you can't, then just ignore them. Gandhi was a physically small man. But he was one of the strongest men in history, because when someone hated him, he showed them love in return. When someone beat him with a club, he sat and took it, because he knew violence only leads to more violence, but peace leads to more peace. He once said "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. Strength comes when you stand your ground in the face of massive adversity." Be that strength. If he could do it, so can you.

-As for permanent solution. You are what you repeatedly do. You are the reality that you create for yourself.  Have the will to create new Beliefs about yourself, others and your world. Those beliefs will lead to different daily habits. Those habits will soon turn into 'just they way things are' for you. A new reality is created. The old reality that didn't serve you, will fade away. 

Edited January 22, 2020 by Jed Vassallo

[Pudgey]

Go to the gym and engage in masculine activities. Do a full-body routine (Bench, Deadlift, Squat, etc..), twice a week and take some fighting classes (MMA, Boxing, Muay Thai, etc..). Go hunting, fishing, camping, and start taking more risks. Stop feeling sorry for your self. There will be no magical advice here, just go and do shit. It appears simple at first but will do far more effective for your life and your comfort zone.