How do you deal with bullies?

[Derek White]

How would you deal with it, practically? Any techniques or tips? 

(I don't have bully problems)

I think I should clarify a few things. 

By bullying I mean when 'you' are forced to do something against 'your will'. I know people might spin this around spiritually because what is 'you' and 'I' and 'will' and 'bullying' is arbitrary. I am asking for your typical, classic bullying, and practical solutions for it.

I know some of you are going to say 'oh just learn martial arts' but what if you are disabled or weak? what if the bullies are in a group? Also, what about emotional bulling? Think about these too when answering.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Derek White

[tenta]

It depends, most of the time reporting it won't help at all so you'll have to deal with the bully yourself

[Amandine]

1. Avoid them as much as possible.

2. Failing that, confronting them and standing up to them if there's only one of them.

3. If there's more than one, I'd probably go to an authority figure and expose them.

 

I hate bullies, they're some of the biggest frigging cowards. 

Luckily I've never been bullied in my life.

I guess it's "easy" to give advice when you're not in the actual situation though.

[Derek White]

@tenta I think dealing with some bullies might just be impossible. Like Jesus couldn't deal with his murderers. They are like a force of nature.

Maybe the only way to deal with it is would be psychologically.

3 minutes ago, Amandine said:

I guess it's "easy" to give advice when you're not in the actual situation though.

@Amandine Ya, especially with bulling. I find fighting/confronting them doesn't work usually because they are generally bigger and louder than you (especially true in schools and among kids). It's kinda unbelievable that you never got bullied. I got bullied tons growing up and bullied others too, that's just how things were where I grew up.

[Space]

@Derek White First you have to understand that what they want is some sort of negative reaction from you. They want to see that their bullying is working, that it is actually affecting you. So you have two options. First, completely and utterly ignore them. Of course this is difficult if it gets physical. But if you can be totally non reactive, almost like they don't exist, they often loose interest. But it can be quite difficult, because if they just see you're trying to ignore them, they can then use that against you. But from personal experience, it can work. The second option is to do the exact opposite and actually laugh and engage with the bullies. If they see you are not actually negatively affected by what they say and do, and you instead see it as a sort of joke, have a laugh etc, then its likely they won't carry on doing it. Because they're not getting that negative reaction which I mentioned in the beginning. Last option, but a lot more difficult, is to just love them and their actions as much as possible and genuinely feel compassion for their ignorance. They are suffering, ultimately. 

[Derek White]

@Leo Gura would love your perspective on this.

[Meetjoeblack]

8 hours ago, Derek White said:

How would you deal with it, practically? Any techniques or tips? 

(I don't have bully problems)

I think I should clarify a few things. 

By bullying I mean when 'you' are forced to do something against 'your will'. I know people might spin this around spiritually because what is 'you' and 'I' and 'will' and 'bullying' is arbitrary. I am asking for your typical, classic bullying, and practical solutions for it.

I know some of you are going to say 'oh just learn martial arts' but what if you are disabled or weak? what if the bullies are in a group? Also, what about emotional bulling? Think about these too when answering.

Hitting works well. 

If its a group of people, a barstool will work. WWF style chair shot. Obviously, its to avoid but if I am confronted, I will take no liberties. I wont hesitate. 

Learn mma. It instills confidence. Furthermore, people thonk twice when you won't hesitate to smash someone. 

[Meetjoeblack]

7 hours ago, Space said:

@Derek White First you have to understand that what they want is some sort of negative reaction from you. They want to see that their bullying is working, that it is actually affecting you. So you have two options. First, completely and utterly ignore them. Of course this is difficult if it gets physical. But if you can be totally non reactive, almost like they don't exist, they often loose interest. But it can be quite difficult, because if they just see you're trying to ignore them, they can then use that against you. But from personal experience, it can work. The second option is to do the exact opposite and actually laugh and engage with the bullies. If they see you are not actually negatively affected by what they say and do, and you instead see it as a sort of joke, have a laugh etc, then its likely they won't carry on doing it. Because they're not getting that negative reaction which I mentioned in the beginning. Last option, but a lot more difficult, is to just love them and their actions as much as possible and genuinely feel compassion for their ignorance. They are suffering, ultimately. 

Bullying isn't like that. Its hanging you upside by your underwear or giving you a swirly aka flushing your head down a toilet. 

Being passive aggressive is not a solution. If someone is doing the following, beat their ass. If you cannot do so physically, get to a gym, and learn mma. Use a weapon. Do whatever it takes. 

Being a soy boy is likely provoking the bully lol. 

[Space]

2 hours ago, Meetjoeblack said:

Bullying isn't like that. Its hanging you upside by your underwear or giving you a swirly aka flushing your head down a toilet. 

Being passive aggressive is not a solution. If someone is doing the following, beat their ass. If you cannot do so physically, get to a gym, and learn mma. Use a weapon. Do whatever it takes. 

Being a soy boy is likely provoking the bully lol. 

Don't be so ignorant! You clearly completely misunderstand what bullying is. 99% of the bullying I witnessed in school, to others and to myself, was not physical. Sure, what you describe is one form of bullying, but more often than not its non-physical. It seems like you're characterising bullying based on what you've see in tv shows and movies. Bullying can be extremely subtle, sometimes not even noticed by people around them. It's often just verbal which in a lot of cases is far worse than physical because it's so intertwined with social dynamics and relationships. If all bullying was just physical it would be a lot easier to prevent. 

I never advocated being passive aggressive, check your projections. The fact that you advocate 'beating their ass', and 'learn mma' just shows your lack of understanding and compassion here. And it's no surprise either that you use the term 'soy boy' *face palm*. I saw many times people try to retaliate their bullies with violence and aggression, it only made things worse. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Space

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Derek White said:

@Leo Gura would love your perspective on this.

I'm a lone wolf type guy so I avoid these issues simply by keep to myself and following my life purpose.

If someone is being an ass to you, leave their company. If it's a boss or coworker, then that's more challenging but that's basically turning into workplace harassment. You should be able to speak to HR about that and get them to stop. If it's a friend, change friends. If it's a family member, move away from your family or confront them about it. If it's happening at school, just ignore the person and stay away from them.

[Thewritersunion]

Do what is needed, not what had to be ‘done’

[Arcangelo]

13 hours ago, Derek White said:

but what if you are disabled or weak

Get a gun?

 

2 hours ago, Space said:

I saw many times people try to retaliate their bullies with violence and aggression, it only made things worse.

Really? From what I have seen if you fight the bully and (even if) the bully kicks your ass he will leave you alone.

[Derek White]

14 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Get a gun?

Where will you get a gun in HS? What if you accidentally kill or seriously injure someone? It's almost more trouble than it's worth.

15 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Really? From what I have seen if you fight the bully and (even if) the bully kicks your ass he will leave you alone.

Where did you see it? In a movie? Imo that's not how it works irl. 

I think people who say 'just learn mma', haven't thought about it or haven't gotten bullied. It would take you a very long time to actually learn mma to actually beat your bully, and even then if they are large in number they can overwhelm you. Most people who go into mma go into it after they got bullied. It would be like saying, just kick the Europeans out of Africa, or just buy guns to end racism, it's a very naive approach. People had to come up with creative ways to fight these problems. The whole reason you are getting bullied is because you are weak, and can't get strong.

I think the best approach is ignoring the bully and not giving them the dopamine release, but even that doesn't always work. 

[Hatfort]

Getting away from them would be the first and best move. If not possible, they'll only stop when their actions have negative consecuences for them. Might be fighting back verbally or physically, reporting them, exposing them or anything like that. Of course, you gotta assess how this response will affect you too. You may get some wounds or difficult moments, but if the bully stops, it was worth it. But you could get into an escalation cycle too, that would be pretty bad. If your bully is a psycho, not recommended to fight back, get away from him.

In the end, every case has to be considered on it's own.

[Bill W]

Some of these answers read like we are in a Mad Max or some other kind of apocalyptic future where society has broken down. I mean, the topic of bullying meets with replies about guns and martial arts lol.

I know sometimes aggression needs to be met with aggression. But most people who are successful in dealing with bullies I would imagine are very skilled at engaging their brain and mouth at the same time to diffuse the situation and also to assert themselves.

The first stage of self defence is usually your mouth, words and posture unless their is literally no time to talk. 

The ego gets people killed every minute of every day I imagine. 

Pick your battles. Stand your ground. I read once that skilfully standing up for yourself through calmness and just words is like an emotional kung fu which makes sense to me! 

Verbally disarm the bully if possible.

I'm not saying be overly passive. 

I had same thing yesterday. A big guy in a group I attend tried to intimidate me. I made sure he knew I was trying to maintain peace and friendliness but that I wasn't going to roll over and be his Neville Chamberlain before the start of world war 2 (appeasement). 

Bullies are everywhere to a degree. If you come out all guns blazing too quickly it will become  a habit and you'll forever be doing it as bullies are not becoming extinct any time soon. 

Defend yourself yeh, but don't worry too much about justice. Most bullies have already been tried and convicted by themselves. They can't be happy people. Most of them know they are the problem. That's what I believe. We are talking about projection at the end of the day. They are trying to pass on their infection. Pass on their angst. They are spirituality and morally bankrupt. 

 

 

[kieranperez]

From a third person perspective, I would say it depends on a lot of factors. 

• What the person whose being bullied is dealing with internally and also externally. How it’s effecting their mind and so on and also what their tendencies are when dealing with confrontation like this. For example, are they someone who just tends to take it and internalize it? Or do they stand up for themselves? So on and so on.
• Is this a guy whose getting bullied or a girl and also what age we’re talking about. 
• Is the person that’s getting bullied someone whose dealing with a short term period of getting shit from some bum who or is it a long term  pattern of continually being stepped on and not knowing how to set boundaries?

The truth is that there is no set in stone universal way of dealing wit this. Sometimes you do need to stand your ground and punch someone in the mouth and run your mouth back at the person. Sometimes you need to go to a superior to deal with the situation. Sometimes you need to learn how to fight. Ultimately, if it’s a situation you can take personal responsibility for by handling it purely yourself and directly, I would recommend that route.

[TheAlchemist]

This is where an integrated stage red/purple is very important. Learn to draw your boundaries and don't let anyone step inside them or break them. If someone breaks your boundaries, warn them and if they keep pushing you should push back. I mean verbally or even physically fight back. This is the most loving thing you can do towards yourself. 

If you're in prison and a stage red gang is harrasing you, you don't just avoid them. That's how you get raped and treated like compelete human trash. You speak their language, you confront them at the level they're at.

If a stage green hippy who hasn't integrated stage red gets bullied, he will just be passive and stage red people WILL take advantage of that for their own gain.

We should keep in mind how important these first stages are as well, not just trying to run up the spiral as fast as possible. Many of us (including myself) haven't completely integrated stage red for example, and that's partly why we've been pushed around and bullied by red people.

[Recursoinominado]

I was bullied and abused physically and emotionally as a child/teenager and this is how I solve this:

- Learn a Martial Art like Muay Thai 

- Workout, gain some muscle, strength and explosion 

-Social skills and awareness (pick up helped me a lot)

-Heal and embody your masculine energy.

-Be dangerous and let people know it. It is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in war.

I am a short guy but when I did all those above, it is rare that someone (even bigger guys) tries to fuck with me. There were situations where I had some guy (usually drunk, I'm a chaotic environment like carnival here in Brazil, possibly doing coke) tried to test me and I stood my ground looking them deep in their eyes with a seriousness that communicated that I was ready to go all the way if necessary and most of them backed down. But you have to be social aware and controlled enough to back down if you noticed that the other guy is also ready to go all the way into a fight that could possibly result in terrible outcome for one of us and if this happen you just defuse the situation but without looking like a bitch. Never fought in my life due to this.

It is a dangerous game to play with real world consequences, if all you have is a bluff, go learn those manly skills.

[AmarSG1]

Look within yourself. Bullies have a 6th sense for detecting weakness in others. This is usually some emotional vulnerability which they then exploit. How are you vulnerable? Are you passive? Lack of assertiveness? Having difficulty setting boundaries?

These bullies are showing you exactly what you need to face within yourself.

Getting jacked, learning martial arts and standing up to them may work, but if you will feel the same inside, I don't think that will deal with the underlying cause.

Edited January 21, 2020 by AmarSG1

[Aaron p]

This is gonna sound like I'm just saying this to look good but legit...for me consciousness work and being a badass helped. Literally just try to become.more badass. Become the bully, and then don't bully. That's *exactly* what I did. 

*Sings in girly voice* "CONNSCIOUSSNESS WOORRKKK"