Self-love video applied to quitting an addiction

[Farnaby]

Hi everyone! 

I'm currently quitting some bad habits like smoking weed, spending too much time on the computer and mobile phone, not exercising enough, etc.

Recently, I watched Leo's video about self-love and I'm confused whether I'm doing this process in a loving and compassionate way towards myself, because I tend to be pretty strict with myself once I've made a decision.

By strict I mean that I feel like listening to the excuses my mind comes up with in order to indulge in these unhealthy behaviors is a mistake and therefore make an effort not to relapse.

If I happen to relapse, I don't feel too guilty about it and neither am I too hard on myself, but if I compare myself to the people around me, they seem to be more indulgent towards themselves and not overthink things so much. So for instance if they feel like smoking some weed, they don't seem to question themselves as hard as I question myself. Of course this means they tend to be more impulsive and have a harder time quitting bad habits, but I think I may need to relax a little bit (or is this just my addicted part finding excuses? ). 

I'd like to know what you guys think about this. Is it healthy to avoid acting out the different cravings or is this too repressive towards myself?

Thank you  

[Leo Gura]

That's not the issue.

The point is: feel love for yourself either way.

Don't THINK about love but actually FEEL love for yourself and your addictive situation. The way a loving mother might if you told her you're addicted to weed. That doesn't mean she wants you doing more weed. But she would lovingly empathize for the challenging situation you find yourself in. Do that, but to yourself.

Separate the love from your plans to fix the problem. Love first, fix later. As guys we tend to skip immediately to the fixing phase, skipping the love and acceptance phase.

And if you slip and do more weed even though you intended to stop. Love yourself for that failure too.

[fridjonk]

@Farnaby The power of habit is what you need if you want some practical advice and action on this. But what Leo is pointing to is definitely the highest truth rather than a scientific implementation. 

[Farnaby]

17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

That's not the issue.

The point is: feel love for yourself either way.

Don't THINK about love but actually FEEL love for yourself and your addictive situation. The way a loving mother might if you told her you're addicted to weed. That doesn't mean she wants you doing more weed. But she would lovingly empathize for the challenging situation you find yourself in. Do that, but to yourself.

Separate the love from your plans to fix the problem. Love first, fix later. As guys we tend to skip immediately to the fixing phase, skipping the love and acceptance phase.

And if you slip and do more weed even though you intended to stop. Love yourself for that failure too.

Yes, I think you're right about this way of treating ourselves. My doubt is if it can be done on purpose, such as just commiting to: "No matter what happens, I'll love myself", or if that's just a rational and inauthentic decision. 

I feel like it's a fine line between loving youself and others and enabling our unhealthy habits or those of the people in our lives.

16 hours ago, fridjonk said:

@Farnaby The power of habit is what you need if you want some practical advice and action on this. But what Leo is pointing to is definitely the highest truth rather than a scientific implementation. 

Thanks! You mean creating a new habit that overrides the old patterns that I've gotten used to? 

[Leo Gura]

14 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

I feel like it's a fine line between loving youself and others and enabling our unhealthy habits or those of the people in our lives.

No

You are still making love too conditional because you are afraid of that unconditional love might hinder your survival.

Have the courage to love yourself unconditionally, no matter what you do or don't do.

[Farnaby]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

No

You are still making love too conditional because you are afraid of that unconditional love might hinder your survival.

Have the courage to love yourself unconditionally, no matter what you do or don't do.

Yes, I feel like that's true, some kind of fear of "trusting the Universe" lol. Do you recommend some specific practice so that it's not only something I tell myself but something that I really feel? 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Farnaby

[fridjonk]

20 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Thanks! You mean creating a new habit that overrides the old patterns that I've gotten used to? 

Exactly

[Leo Gura]

14 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Yes, I feel like that's true, some kind of fear of "trusting the Universe" lol. Do you recommend some specific practice so that it's not only something I tell myself but something that I really feel? 

You can do visualization exercises to practice feeling love for 5 or 10 mins every day.

[Farnaby]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You can do visualization exercises to practice feeling love for 5 or 10 mins every day.

Thank you, I'll experiment with that. It's interesting how tricky the mind is when you try to unconditionally love yourself 

[TheAlchemist]

@Farnaby Check out Metta meditation, you will learn to cultivate that feeling of love within you. You begin by feeling love towards things that you already love (conditionally). Then you can expand that love to eventually include everything in the universe, including your worst enemies and all the things you hate about yourself (unconditional). 

"May all beings be happy" is a great mantra to bring about that state of absolute loving acceptance, at least for me. But you have to do it very sincerely. Realize that deep down you really want EVERYONE to be happy, realize it and see how you feel. If that's too difficult at first, imagine everybody you know, also people you hate going through extreme suffering. Horrible diseases, cancer, aids, chemical burns, extreme depression, suicide etc. Now it should be much easier to feel the compassion, then just expand it to include more people, including yourself. Imagine yourself comforting yourself, hugging yourself for going through so much unnecessary suffering. 

Hope this helps mate

 

[Dean Walker]

On 20/01/2020 at 1:10 AM, Leo Gura said:

Separate the love from your plans to fix the problem. Love first, fix later. As guys we tend to skip immediately to the fixing phase, skipping the love and acceptance phase.

15 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

That's very relatable.

@Leo Gura Most of the time im stuck in my mind constantly contemplating situations and overthinking.

But every now and again i get the feeling to pull myself out the mind and focus on feeling love which i feel as warmth in the stomach similar to excitement. I then try to carry this on throughout the day and sometimes feel it gives me something similar to over confidence and I express myself too much.

In a way it reminds me of how I carried myself throughout my teens and early twenties which I feel was over egotistical and feels like im backsliding. Does the same apply here in which I need to love this part of myself? 

 

[Leo Gura]

On 1/21/2020 at 2:56 AM, Dean Walker said:

feeling love which i feel as warmth in the stomach

Don't forget the heart. Feel into that icy heart of yours!

[Farnaby]

@Leo Gura I was just reflecting on addictions and how in your self-love video you say that self-love is the cure for addictions. Do you think that lack of self-love is therefore the cause of addiction?

I think that's kind of true, because when you keep doing compulsive things you end up damaging your health, relationships, etc. But there's another way to look at it. From a psychological POV, the addiction can be seen as an attempt to regulate our nervous system. 

For instance, a kid that lives in a home where there's lots of fighting and distress, may find relief in playing video games, slowly developing an addiction. We could argue that this kid was actually practicing self-love, even though the chosen behavior eventually becomes a crutch and just a short-term solution.