A Journey to Somewhere

[jjer94]

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3: 

Chapter 4:

 

[jjer94]

a journey to somewhere.

Quote

“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”

-Psalm 139:7-12

Chapter 5.

The snow eased up on this quiet Sunday, but it's still sprinkling outside like sifted powdered sugar. I'm sitting in my new place, the Artist's Den, next to the warming furnace, which feels a bit like a fireplace at this point. I just ate my morning smoothie -- yes, ate, because it's thick like pudding. Don't judge me. I've got a fetish for goopy things. 

I retrospect (I guess that's a verb now) on the past year with a sense of awe. Wow. The transformation is very apparent, not just with my outer choices and activities but with my inner state and the way I treat myself. Like a canvas always next to the palette, I'm always a work in progress. But I can most definitely appreciate how far I've come over the past year. 

At this time last year, I was freezing my ass off at the intentional community (which I happened to visit last night, oddly enough, to say hi and catch up with everyone). I felt like I had a newfound sense of direction and purpose, but I was still very lost and still hurting over a lot of unresolved grief. I had already cried buckets, but I had yet to cry rivers. I was exploring my psyche and being vulnerable with the people around me. 

I returned to performing and making music, which then set off a chain reaction of events that led me to tons and tons of musical gigs in the summer. While that happened, I met an attractive girl, started dating, and realized how neurotic I really am. I learned that building a healthy ego ought to be my top priority, not transcending a hurt, unintegrated ego -- because that intention itself came from a hurt, unintegrated ego. 

I tried 5-MeO for the first time and had a very, very difficult healing crisis. I tried a heavier dose of mushrooms for the first time and had an equally difficult healing crisis. I am grateful for both of these experiences, as they solidified in me the realization that my highest priority for the inner world is self-love and self-compassion. And if that's the case, then my highest priority in the outer world is to commit to this character -- to return to this body fully. 

I started a running habit out of the joy of running. Most of my work is done out of the joy of working. My sense of trust is stronger than before. My emotional ups and downs are still very strong, but the way I process and handle them is totally different. My life is transforming from the inside out from the simple yet difficult intention of self-love. 

Now with the new decade, I find myself literally and figuratively in a new place. My music is becoming more niche. I'm doing things more out of love/joy than obligation. I fell in love with someone who's also doing the inner work, which has honestly been the highlight of these past few months. Things are very different. I feel like I'm actually going somewhere.

The last time I was living alone, I almost starved myself to death. I cloistered myself in the apartment and had several subtle addictions. Now, I'm reaching out to people every day, giving gifts, dating someone, and doing enjoyable activities. This is a reflection of the change in my relationship with myself. It'll only get more apparent from here. 

I have personal goals for this new year, but the one intention I want to share for 2020 is this:

As much as possible, ask yourself "What would someone who loves themselves do in this moment?"

 

[jjer94]

depression review.

I... don't even know. Seriously, what the fuck has happened over the past month? Feels like I've aged a few years!

I'm not sure if it was the relationship, the time of year, something in the air, lack of sunlight, being in a new place, or all of the above...but I sank into a really deep depression. Almost as deep as when I was in the studio apartment in 2017. It actually felt like a review of that depression.

My body turned into sticky molasses, and my mind turned into jello. I collapsed on the floor in front of the furnace at least a few times per week, having no desire to live my life or to do much of anything. I just stewed in my own disillusionments.

The major disillusionments happened in my relationship. For one, I realized all of the ways my ideals have created barriers to giving and receiving love. I had this image in my head of what my partner would look and be like, and because the current one doesn't perfectly fit that ideal, I've been subconsciously noncommittal. The thing is, no one will ever fit that ideal to a tee. No one's perfect. So part of my process is letting go of my ideals, which is really fucking hard. 

On a similar note, I will never fit my own ideals. I'm a flawed human with neuroses, manipulations, attachment issues, and hang-ups. I've entirely realized my imperfection through being in relationship, which has conflicted with my perfectionistic ideals about myself and caused a lot of suffering.

However, the beautiful power of being in a relationship is that it's forced me to look at all of my imperfections and learn to love myself anyways. I spent most of my childhood in front of a TV screen playing video games. I've come a long way, and I can cut myself some slack for not being perfect at a realm of life in which I have little experience. 

More disillusionment in the realm of career/finances, too. I realized on a deeper level that things won't just fall into my lap. I need to be more schedule-oriented and personally accountable. For instance, I plan to release an album in a month and have yet to implement a promotion process.  

More on the depression, I discovered through shamanic-esque journeying that there's a part of me that doesn't want to commit to life. That part sits in my solar plexus and is in so much pain. I don't know what to do except sit with it and give it loving attention and validation without acting on its desires. I'm done trying to convince that part of myself that its reality is not valid, even if it's a dark one. 

The sun returned a couple days ago after a several week absence, and my body feels like a recharged battery. I ran today for the first time in a couple weeks. Seems like the depression is leaving. 

The depression may have been very similar to the one in 2017, but my relationship to it has drastically changed. I've stopped fighting it. I've stopped fighting most of my emotions. They all have a say in my psyche. They all have valuable wisdom to share. And they all show me, time and time again, that surrender is victory. 

 

Edited February 25, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the leviathan of my twenties.

Over the past couple months, I've come face-to-face with the leviathan of my twenties. It's green, lean, sometimes slimy, and cuts my hands if I'm not careful. It follows me wherever I go, is always concerning, waiting for the perfect moment to fuck me over and leave me in the streets. 

Money. 

I have a love-hate relationship with it. While I know that on a fundamental level money is not as big of an issue as the psychological makeup of the people that use it, I still my grit my teeth at the mention of it. While I see how useful it is in the context of a very diverse society, I also see how it can be used as a tool of control, oppression, and injustice. 

I'm one of those people who hopes for the idealistic fantasy that one day, all of humanity will resolve their traumas and emotional issues, we'll shift into the fifth dimension, and then we won't need money anymore because we'll all be aligned with our life purpose and intrinsically motivated to do productive stuff that positively contributes to all of humanity. But part of my desire for this has to do with the fact that I'm financially drowning. I want to avoid money because it's fucking annoying to me and difficult to acquire. 

I would be seriously screwed if not for my financially fortunate upbringing. I needed these several years of financial buffering to realize that I have several psychological challenges (e.g. ADD, depression, anxiety, traumatic childhood, etc.) that will make becoming a self-reliant adult a longer process for me compared to most people. So at the same time, thank fucking heavens for money. 

I'm kind of an outlier in society. I can't last at any part-time job for more than six months without quitting in boredom and frustration. I hate being told what to do. The only kind of jobs that have worked for me thus far are ones that I can set my own schedule, do self-directed tasks, and use my brain power on varied projects.

So far, that's been musical gigs, housesitting (i.e. getting paid to write songs and cuddle furry dogs), writing, and editing work. The latter definitely shows promise. The thing with the music stuff, unfortunately, is that I have to pay to be a musician. There's no profit in it. All of the money I make from gigs is funneled back into the music.

It feels really unfair to me. That I am this way, that I am so different. That I can't do the 9-to-5 thing. That I have to go the extra mile in order to follow my passions. That I have to go through this phase of being poor and financially stressed. That society doesn't reward artists (you know, people who actually pursue real healing and face their inner demons for the well-being of everyone) as much as doctors, lawyers, and the other sectors that maintain the structural integrity of the machine. 

But such is life. I'm pretty sure a lot of my financial stress is inherited, but that doesn't change the reality that I have to assume full responsibility for my stress and my financial well-being. 

Writing that makes me want to punch myself in the face. 

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

a psychological food fight.

Still kicking!

LOL, I did not anticipate this corona thing to explode. Maybe I shouldn't laugh about it, though, because there are people out there who are genuinely struggling, working their asses off to save people, losing their jobs, victims in abusive homes, getting divorces, getting really really sick, and having mid-life crises. I really feel for those people, and for everyone else, really. I feel for them as much as I'm emotionally available, because I've had my own struggles, too. 

Not really life-or-death struggles, just the struggles of being myself in front of a significant other; living under the same roof; setting boundaries without being a douche; communicating in less shitty ways; finding time/prioritizing to do stuff like this; engaging in the social media game; getting majorly triggered and processing it in a loving, constructive manner; getting enough sleep; and other stuff. 

I've gleaned so many insights and grown so much from being in relationship, it's insane. 

For one, I'm finally beginning to realize on a nervous-system level that I am not the center of the universe. There's another person in my life whose happiness and well-being I've taken as my own. This person has personality traits, desires, needs, and dreams that are different than mine, and I've had to realize that. 

By realizing that on a microcosmic level, I'm realizing it on a macrocosmic level. Everyone is unique in those ways, too. I've learned to be more respectful and accepting towards everyone else's personality traits, desires, needs, and dreams. Loving her is teaching me how to love everyone, including myself. 

So many spiritual teachers tell you that all the love you need is inside of you. I used to buy that, but now I call bullshit. 

On a fundamental level, it is true. On another level (the level where most of us reside), the world is full of talking, breathing mirrors that trigger the shit out of you and show you how unloving you are to yourself and others. Sometimes, you need one of these mirrors to give you love in order to prove that you are lovable. And once that happens, you have permission to love yourself even deeper than before. 

Being in a monogamous conscious relationship takes the self-love journey into the nervous system. It brings up the oldest, moldiest, most encrusted wounds in your emotional body and starts a psychological food fight. There have been times where the emotional releases from relationship conflict feels as though I'm on a psychedelic.  

I've also learned that mistakes are inherent to any kind of growth—but especially in relationship. I've been such an idiot these past six months. I've said and done some pretty stupid shit to her. It's brought up a lot of old shame for me, stuff that I've repressed with introversion and perfectionism. But I'm ready to face it, as terrible as it feels. I'm ready to give myself the compassion and love that nobody has ever given me in those moments. It's yucky and mucky, but that's life, I guess. I've lost so much already—what's another sock? I can afford to lose another sock. 

There's much more, and when I can muster the wherewithal I will explain. But until then, I wish everyone health and happiness in these strange times. 

 

[jjer94]

warlock soup.

I suppose it's time to give an update. 

So much has happened in the past month and a half that my life feels like something out of a coming-of-age movie. But I'm assuming that's been the case with everyone. Between COVID, the racial tensions, and the rioting, everything is so surreal, like the distorted reflection on a dewdrop.

All the feels are getting boiled into this massive pot of Warlock Soup, where the borders between positive and negative emotions don't even matter anymore. It's all just. Feels. And all we can do is feel. Well, we can also go to the bathroom if we have two functioning legs and can travel to the nearest toilet, but that's besides the point. 

The point is, I broke up with my girlfriend; two days later, I moved out of the Artist's Den and back in with the parents and brother; one day after that, my brother and I began to formulate plans for another move; I'm starting to gig again. Oh, and I released the album. Perfect timing! (You can check it out here, if you're curious.)

The timing of the breakup and the way it happened wasn't the best, but it could have been worse. I think I'll dedicate a separate post to it, because there's a lot to unpack. Long story short — I am so, so incredibly grateful that we were in a relationship; I grew like crazy through all of it; she is an amazing human; I wish her all the best on her journey; and who knows what the future holds. 

Some major transformation has happened — and yesterday was a huge benchmark for it. My brother brought the XBOX up here. I've been watching him play here and there, but I haven't been playing any of it myself. But yesterday, I decided, what the heck, let's play a few rounds of COD. 

After a few rounds, my body was nearly having a trauma response. I had the urge to crawl out of my skin. I felt terrible! I literally had to shake my body for a few minutes, take a cold shower, sing, do breathing exercises, eat dates and greens, and even that didn't bring me back to equilibrium. Three hours later, I could finally go to sleep. In the morning, I woke up drowsy with dry eyes — a sign of adrenaline surge. After some celery juice, I finally returned to my equilibrium. 

I've reached a new level of nervous system relaxation (i.e. level of consciousness, i.e. level of self-love) where I literally cannot do some of the old activities I used to do to cope. They're not really enjoyable for me anymore. I mean, I can't say that I didn't enjoy it completely last night, but the stimulation and the frantic brain state caused me more pain in the long run. I'd much rather be writing songs, or reading a book, or learning something new. 

This has been the case for other activities too, like eating junk food, spending too much time in front of a screen, or browsing social media. I still have coping mechanisms and relapses, but I'm slowly changing my life one step at a time so I can hopefully reach a point where I won't need any of them anymore. And in the meantime, I won't beat myself up for using coping mechanisms. Having this level of self-compassion has made life a lot more manageable for me. 

I wish compassion for you, too. It's been a rough few months. Be gentle with yourself. ?

 

[jjer94]

with a side of cod.

More on the topic of coping mechanisms... The reason I don't beat myself up anymore when it comes to coping mechanisms (i.e. undesirable behaviors) is because I think they're meeting needs I don't realize I have. And until I recognize those needs and avenues to meet them in healthier ways, the undesirable behaviors are the only way I know how to meet them.

It's like eating a food that curbs hunger but has trace amounts of poison in it. If you don't know any other food that can curb your hunger and doesn't have poison, why beat yourself up for eating it? There's a part of you that really needs it to stave off hunger. Maybe there's also a part of you that has an unmet need for physical intimacy, and the compounds in said food release oxytocin in your bloodstream. This food, even though it has trace amounts of poison, is the best you have at the moment.

In the same way, there's a part of me that still enjoyed playing COD the other night, even though the consequences were negative. My obsession with video games in the past was because it met a lot of unmet needs for me: a sense of accomplishment, self-esteem, excitement, stimulation of the imagination, adventure, and adrenaline. But now that I'm meeting a lot of those needs through other avenues, the pull towards video games is much less than it used to be. 

(Side note: If you're wondering why I put down "adrenaline," it's because I would forget to eat whenever I played video games as a kid, and the resultant adrenaline gave me a sense of euphoria and curbed my appetite. Now that I prioritize eating lots of fruits and vegetables, the urge to do adrenaline-producing activities is much weaker than it used to be.)

I think the reason I've been drawn to COD is because I'm craving a sense of adventure that I haven't been getting here. Instead of the negative consequences of a frantic brain state and adrenaline-fueled body, perhaps I can find another way to meet this need. I'm going to read more history and see what happens. And if I go back to the video games again, I know there's more to it than adventure.

 

[jjer94]

I must be crazy.

They taught me
how to memorize
how to be a good boy
how to obey
the ones who know everything
how to give away
the little voices in my head
telling me lies
to the ones on the outside
who not only know everything
but also tell nothing but the truth
If I'm depressed
it's my fault
If I lash out or say something
contrary to what They say
there must be
something wrong with me
If I dream of a day
where I respect
and listen to
the little voices in my head
I must be crazy.

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by jjer94

[Zigzag Idiot]

                    Hey Everyone, give this Album a try!

 

On 6/22/2020 at 8:03 PM, jjer94 said:

Oh, and I released the album. Perfect timing! (You can check it out here, if you're curious.)

 

@jjer94 You've got a nice singing  voice and a soulful, good sound. I bought your album Closet Heart, a couple of weeks ago, Got distracted for a few days and I'm back to listening to it again.

 I want to encourage everyone who is interested, to buy Brett's album through this Bandcamp link of his I quoted just above here. Those of you who can give a better articulated critique of his music than me should consider doing so. I'm confident it will most likely be a positive one for those who give it a listen. I'm impressed with his work.

Being a bit of a dinosaur, I've never bought music this way. I like the set up. With the Bandcamp app,  you always have access to your purchase. The links expand out and shows the lyrics also. Most likely there are features I haven't even  discovered yet,,,

[jjer94]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for the kind words  

For those of you who have Spotify, you can also listen to it there: https://open.spotify.com/album/4Fiag5AtdcsM60NjEbBWc2?si=M2YtF-Z4SGmSpth2W1nZwA

Edited July 16, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

it's hard to be human.

Break-up grief is like an unpredictable parent. Sometimes it leaves you in peace for hours or days; other times it will suddenly smother you until you're gasping for air. 

Yesterday was one of those smothering days. I cried enough to fill a mason jar, probably close to an hour. I didn't realize just how much I care for her until she was gone. I didn't realize a lot of things about this relationship until after the fact, when the dust settled and I could have my much needed alone time to recalibrate my nervous system.

For one, humans have needs. No more bullshit spiritual bypassing for me. I can no longer pretend that I can transcend my emotional pain by taking psychedelics or being a masochistic meditator. I need real, authentic human connection with others and myself. I've needed it my whole life without being able to admit it until now. I see clearly now that I've built an island of loneliness and defense mechanisms. With enough time and awareness, I will likely gravitate more towards community and social interaction, because I can't un-experience the level of intimacy and fulfillment that I experienced in relationship.

Second thing — I'm not perfect. I don't think I've ever made more mistakes in my life than in this relationship. I experienced what it's like to be a "bad" person, which to my nervous system feels like death. But through my willingness to experience those feelings, I came to accept my shortcomings...which then allows me to work on them. 

Third thing — No one else is perfect. Everyone else makes mistakes, too. Which is an opportunity to cultivate grace and acceptance for the "right" people — the people who are willing to learn from those mistakes. 

Fourth thing — Mistakes, while they may be painful, are not bad. They are crucial for learning through direct experience and garnering wisdom. Mistakes create pain, and pain is an indication that something is out of alignment, whether it be a belief system or something on the outside (habits, relationships, societal things, etc.). Pain is a call to change something, not something to sit through like a masochistic PD junkie or numb like an escapist average joe of society. By learning through pain, we can become more sensitive to what brings higher pleasure. So ultimately, "mistakes" are not mistakes; they are part of the process of self-actualization. But they still suck.

Fifth thing — It's hard to be human.

I've gleaned so many other winsights (wow, I accidentally combined "wisdom" and "insights") in the past month, many of which I can't really put into words yet. But that's the gist of what I have so far, without going into too much detail. 

I don't regret entering this relationship one bit. It was a highlight of my life. I see now why everyone is obsessed with romantic relationships. They're the bread and butter of life.

What an honor and blessing to see and hear her, so emotionally naked, and be received in the same way. What a lovely soul.

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

a devastating gift.

Today was another doozy. I cried enough to fill an almond milk carton.

Actually, I sobbed so hard and screamed in delicate pain. I dropped so deeply into the wound that I became a baby again, sobbing for his mother that didn't come to the rescue. 

The full-body experience of abandonment is not for the faint of heart. It's an experience of ultimate separation and aloneness. Like you're alone on this island surrounded by a black sea of infinity. The direct experience of God is often described like that from people (like me) whose nervous systems are heavily traumatized from childhood abandonment, whether physical or emotional.

That's basically what I experienced when I tried 5-MeO last year; it was too much for me to handle at this point in my life. It dislodged all of my deep traumas and threw them at me simultaneously. "Threw" was not an exaggeration; it was like twenty Tom Brady's chucked emotional footballs at full throttle directly into my solar plexus. Not fun. Humbling to the utmost degree, but not fun.

Today was not very fun, either. It's even less fun when you're surrounded by people who are incapable of holding space for you, and in fact they deny your feelings if you try to share them. That's why self-love has been absolutely crucial for me. I've been supporting myself exclusively through all of this grief — holding and caressing myself, visualizing angelic beings wrapping their wings around me and validating all of my grief, telling myself that I am never alone, that I will never leave my side, that I will be with me for as long as I need to process these heavy emotions. 

Honestly it's some next-level shit, and I'm really proud of myself, for lack of a better term. I feel empowered to face difficult emotions even when my nervous system says I'm going to die, because I've survived every ordeal up to this point. And I've learned valuable lessons from these experiences, as well as garnered a decent amount of compassion for myself, for everyone else on this journey, and even for the people who numb and refuse to go on it, because this shit is hard. 

This whole process has been so so sad because I love her and miss her...and simultaneously, this whole process has been a gift. A devastating gift. Even if this break-up grief never goes away, at least I'm feeling things. 

 

Edited July 21, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the desire for fame.

Yet another realization I've had through all of this: The desire for fame is an ultimately destructive way to meet the needs for connection and self-esteem that can be met in much more life-generating ways, such as quality relationships and self-love. 

As a semi-anonymous pleb, how do I know anything about fame? I don't; that's why I claim the desire for fame to be destructive, not fame itself. However, I do talk from the perspective of someone who has the desire to be famous.

I grew up in an extremely competitive environment and went to the top high school in my state. I was frequently ostracized from friend groups. My childhood environment was stressful. I was raised in the Stage Orange cultural programming that your worth is directly related to your achievements. That combination of ingredients created a nasty warlock stew of workaholism, self-isolation, loneliness, toxic shame, trauma, and...whatdya know, a strong desire to be famous. 

I had a guru-like grandiosity about me that can be easily recognized if you read my earliest entries on this forum. I thought I had all the answers. I thought I was hot spiritual shit, like everyone else was sleepwalking and I was the only "woke" one. Through my breakdowns in 2018, when I was holed up in my parents' basement (as I am now), I realized that I used my grandiosity to create a psychic moat — to separate myself and prevent anyone from rejecting me again. I also used it to create a false image of myself that I could accept, because I hated my ordinary authentic self who I thought at the time was weird, boring, unpredictable, and unlovable.

Thus, the only way I (subconsciously) thought I could meet my needs for human connection and self-esteem was to manipulate people to like the false image of me. And to keep the charade going, I would need lots and lots and lots of people to prop it up. Since initiation risks rejection, I figured why not get good at something and have people come to me. Hence, the desire for fame. 

Enter self-love. Giving love to myself in the ways that feel loving to me has boosted my self-esteem more than anything I've ever done on the outside. It's relaxed my nervous system and has allowed me to enjoy the little things a little more. 

Enter my ex. She helped me break through all of my psychic moat defense mechanisms. I re-lived some of my deepest connection wounds. I cried (and continue to cry) some of the deepest tears from the depths of my painful body. And near the end of the relationship, I reached a point where I could be almost totally relaxed in front of her as my vulnerable, boring self underneath the grandiosity.

At that point, I had no desire to be famous. I could care less that a million people loved my music, because I felt physically safe, accepted myself, and was with a significant other who completely saw me and accepted me, too. That was enough. That was truly satisfying. 

I directly experienced a level of belonging and connection with someone that I had never before experienced in my life, and I can't un-experience it. I expanded in ways that I couldn't while single. It's made me rethink my priorities in life. And it's sure as heck made me question my desire for fame. 

 

Edited July 22, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

soul-siphoner and the puddle of tears.

Yesterday was hilariously insane.

I embodied the Coldplay lyric, "When you feel so tired but you can't sleep."

I woke up early with dry eyes due to adrenaline. I had woken up a few hours before my normal time the previous three days. I also haven't had a day off in over a week, and the stress has built in my body like a pressure cooker. Unfortunately, it couldn't come out as flatulence.

The previous night, I had received a major offer for a new editing gig that blew my socks off. I had to figure out the logistics for that. In the meantime, I had a gig scheduled from 3-5 and an interview for a co-op scheduled almost directly after that. 

By the time I was done figuring out the logistics, the break-up grief hit me like a freight train. So there I was, collapsed on my bed, right before a gig, running on minimal sleep, bawling my brains out. I couldn't finish crying before I had to leave, so I kept bawling in the car. I was in a puddle of tears by the time I arrived at the venue.

I somehow played a two-hour set. Then I ran an errand and returned home for the interview.

It was all women  So I spent a good half an hour talking to these people, knowing perfectly well that I wouldn't be picked and wouldn't want to live there anyways. One of them had this glare that siphoned souls. One of them had the endless smile — the kind where you can't tell if they're happy to see you or want to murder you.

I answered one of the interview questions completely wrong, because I didn't have time to read the materials beforehand and was still running on adrenaline. The soul-siphoner grunted with subtle disdain. The endless smiler, with a big shit-eating grin, thanked me for my time and said goodbye. I sent a blessing to all of them and went upstairs. I finally had some time to myself, where I had the digestive strength to eat a few steamed potatoes and then — surprise — cry some more.

It was a fun day. It may not sound like much to some people, but in the context of my body and my life right now, I beg to differ.

 

 

[Azote]

9 hours ago, jjer94 said:

It was a fun day.

 I would just  break down lol

[Privet]

Hi brother from another mother.

On 22.07.2020 at 11:13 AM, jjer94 said:

Enter my ex.

What was the reason to break up?

[jjer94]

@Privet Hi there! 

The main reasons at the time were different priorities...but the plot thickens. I'll probably give some updates on here at some point.

 

 

[jjer94]

chicken run.

I haven't talked about diet for a long time because I had an eating disorder (i.e. toxic shame disorder) and didn't want to focus on it. But having now explored the diet world more from the realm of self-love, I have a few experiences to share.

For the past two years or so, I've followed the Medical Medium approach. I knew about him for a while but was turned off because the guy kind of sounds like a used car salesman. After trying countless eating styles with no relief for my acne, digestive distress and other symptoms, I gravitated back to him and took his advice seriously. In case you guys are unfamiliar, it's basically a low-fat high-carb plant-based approach with an emphasis on fruits, vegetables, and tubers.

In my experience, the guy is no joke. His suggestions relieved most of my symptoms within a year and a half of following his advice to a tee. Within the first month of his approach, I lost my craving for animal products completely. For several months I had really crazy cleansing reactions, like depersonalization spells, metallic tastes in the mouth, puffy face, and otherworldly sulfur farts. Symptoms got worse before they got better — a lot worse. But after around the six month mark, my body found a groove, and the major cleansing symptoms subsided.

The moment my skin cleared up, I had persistent cravings for chicken thigh. I figured upping my plant fats, grains, and legumes would take care of it. It didn't. 

In the past, I would have fought the cravings using mental dogma. Whether veganism, spiritual enlightenment, raw foodism, Medical Medium-ism... I have a lot of tools under my belt to betray or second-guess my body's callings. Medical Medium says that animal product cravings are a sign of past adrenaline release, and the craving is a reflection of what we craved during the time of said traumatic event. Veganism says meat is murder. Spiritual enlightenment says meat is low vibration. Raw foodism says that we're not designed to eat meat, and it will just rot in our intestinal tract.

But ever since my self-love shift, I've shifted my focus towards direct-experience learning rather than blindly believing a philosophy. The reason I followed Medical Medium was because at the time, my body was screaming for me to eat lighter fruits and veggies, and I've been incredibly satisfied with his approach. Now it seems my body is asking me to eat some heavier foods again. 

So I ate chicken the other day.

It almost felt like I was possessed by the spirit of the animal. Like I had the energy of a chicken with my head cut off. It was so stimulating for me that I wanted to run a couple miles. The forward momentum was a bit uncomfortable. My libido increased. My sensitivity decreased. I felt the most grounded I've felt in a while. 

Here's my theory: Meat is a grounding stimulant, and in a not-ideal high-stress environment, it can most definitely be useful. I've been living in a stressful environment the past few weeks, so it's no wonder I'm craving it. Since I haven't been eating any exogenous cholesterol on a plant-based diet, all of my cholesterol production has been going towards cortisol and not testosterone, so I've been crazy-emotional and hyper-sensitive with low motivation and little libido.

I think different chapters of life call for different foods. Diet must match our psycho-emotional state. If we cleanse too much too quickly for our bodies, we end up going mentally crazy like a lot of raw vegans. If we focus completely on enlightenment and don't cleanse the body in tandem, we end up with situations like Matt Kahn or Ramana Maharshi, where the vessel develops health issues because it can't anchor the light efficiently enough. 

I think in an ideal world, we'd all be raw foodists living a communal, low-stress life in the tropics. But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a toxic cesspool, with chemicals that our bodies don't really know how to process. That's why I think taking the cleansing journey slowly and with compassion is my top priority now. No more trying to "get there." Just try to eat what feels good for me in this environment, at this time in my life, with love and awareness.

 

[jjer94]

chicken run, part 2.

Chicken was on my mind because I planned to have it for dinner. So I just ate some chicken thigh with skin, stopping when my body said enough.

Holy chicken shit! I'm having the opposite effect now. I feel like dead weight. Like a blob of moldy potatoes sitting in the cellar of some middle-aged gamer. Like all the life juice went out of my limbs and my brain, and into my stomach. All of my thinking and creative energy is sapped. 

It's like my life is in tunnel vision. Like all there is, is this computer screen in front of me. No imagination, no energy for a postprandial walk, nothing. I don't really like this.

It felt like my body needed some chicken, so maybe I ate too much. Maybe I can get by with eating more legumes instead, because this is heavy, doc. Or maybe I can eat like the Blue Zoners, where they feast on animal foods once every week or so.

This is so fascinating to me. A couple years ago, I ate a relatively healthy, balanced, meat-based paleo diet with no sense of this blobiness (cool, I just invented a new word) — or perhaps no awareness of it. Maybe I ate more of it because of how it dimmed my consciousness and stabilized my mood, because I was like a dam of repressed emotions. It gave me a sense of groundedness and control that I otherwise didn't have. It dimmed my sensitivity.

But now I prefer my sensitivity! I prefer to feel things deeply. And that's one of the many reasons why I feel so good eating lighter. Because it brings me more in touch with my intuition, and I use my intuition now more than ever to guide my decision-making.

I think I've made a permanent shift in my body over these past two years. Like I've cleansed physically and emotionally to the point where I notice that these heavier foods serve me less and less. I'm really excited about that, because that means I'll need to discipline myself less and less to eat healthier. I'll actually want to eat more plant-based foods because of the way they make me feel and perform in the moment, not because I have to eat them because of some ethical obligation. (Though the ethics of plant-based eating are definitely a plus.)

We'll see how I feel after the chicken digests. Maybe I'll make another post about it. 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by jjer94

[jjer94]

hiding spot.

Sometimes 
I want the world
to fit inside my bubble 
to glisten in the sunlight
in the comfort of enclosure
as I merely
slide on its reflective slopes
like a kid in his back yard
playing a game of pretend
while the campfire 
crackles with fervor
and the swing set 
creaks in the wind.
But such is the nature of life
to take me from my 
hiding spot
and show me a place
beyond pretend
to rip the bandaid
from my broken heart
and pop the bubble
that I 
so desperately 
thought was real.

 

 

Edited September 9, 2020 by jjer94