Dark Night of the soul - Meditation - Infinity feels like Hell

[Endangered-EGO]

Hello guys. A few years ago I had a panic attack from weed because of the experience of infinity/nothingness.

Afterwards I was in the Dark Night of the Soul for about 6 months where I had an ego-death experience every evening. It felt like dying and having your soul ripped out of your Body, there is nothing I could do about it. The Ego backlash afterwards lasted for very long...

Now I m able to focus on infinite consciousness (That's what I think it is) while meditating, and I m afraid of it, I fear it, I fear infinity and this night it came up again and it felt like I was in fucking hell. I tried to focus on it, but it was so painful, I had to distract myself after 20 seconds.

Most of the time during meditation it just feels really strange, but not necessarily bad. However last night it was so painful my face started burning.

Will I have to go through this Dark night again, and how should I continue? Definitely not psychedelics, that would put me through an infinite nightmare.

Is this formless thing really what I think it is, or am I just crazy and deluding myself into twisting my mind to hell?
 

Is it normal, that it literally feels like a timeless torture of the soul?
Should I take a break or continue going through this torture until it rips my ego apart for good? This shit is truly disturbing, If I have to deal with this every night, I will go crazy before becoming enlightened...

[electroBeam]

1 hour ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Hello guys. A few years ago I had a panic attack from weed because of the experience of infinity/nothingness.

Afterwards I was in the Dark Night of the Soul for about 6 months where I had an ego-death experience every evening. It felt like dying and having your soul ripped out of your Body, there is nothing I could do about it. The Ego backlash afterwards lasted for very long...

Now I m able to focus on infinite consciousness (That's what I think it is) while meditating, and I m afraid of it, I fear it, I fear infinity and this night it came up again and it felt like I was in fucking hell. I tried to focus on it, but it was so painful, I had to distract myself after 20 seconds.

Most of the time during meditation it just feels really strange, but not necessarily bad. However last night it was so painful my face started burning.

Will I have to go through this Dark night again, and how should I continue? Definitely not psychedelics, that would put me through an infinite nightmare.

Is this formless thing really what I think it is, or am I just crazy and deluding myself into twisting my mind to hell?
 

Is it normal, that it literally feels like a timeless torture of the soul?
Should I take a break or continue going through this torture until it rips my ego apart for good? This shit is truly disturbing, If I have to deal with this every night, I will go crazy before becoming enlightened...

hahaha I love your username. You're going to have to change it to extinct-ego soon hahaha.

I've got lots of experience with this issue. 

Practical Tips

1. You need to practice meditating 24/7 (not just for 2 to 4 hours a day - that's not enough.) So While brushing your teeth, practice consciousness exercises, while driving to work, practice consciousness exercises, while drifting off to sleep practice consciousness. Start gently, then increase the hours and intensity over time. I do realise that this might sound scary because you can 'feel' that meditation is the last straw to the camel's back, and if you do too much shits gonna hit the fan - but based on my experience this is totally bullshit. All that will happen is consciousness will shift to a different perspective just like what happens when transitioning to a dream state.

2. Question the legitimacy of the dark night of the soul. The suffering is coming from the fact that you think the dark night of the soul is real, and is not illusion/delusion. The dark night of the soul is not real.

3. Unconditional love is the solution to getting past the fear of your face burning. Love reality and the universe so much that your face burning is not an issue if its for the greater cause of realising god. There are heaps of things that need to be done to get into a state of unconditional love - have a loving life purpose, possibly practising loving kindness meditation, etc. 

4. Your fear may be coming from attachments. You first need to identify what these attachments are, then need to design your life in a way to let go of them. If you have an attachment to your girlfriend, start practising consciousness when you are with her so that you realize all of the happiness you think you get from her is actually coming from within, for example. 

5. Cry during the dark night of the soul. The tears will dissolve the illusion and release suffering caused by this dark night of the soul illusion.

6. Whenever the dark night of the soul occurs, notice that along with the suffering comes a sort of light which is not apparent in ordinary consciousness. With full sincerity, ask this light for forgiveness and love. Crying or other wild movements may come from the mind and body, which is fine as long as its done with a conscious witnessing. 

Theoretical Underpinnings

1. The dark night of the soul is coming from a perspective, or interpretation of a deep mystical experience. But its very subtle. You clearly have not noticed it. Otherwise the suffering would not be there. You think you are directly experiencing the truth, but there's a subtle interpretation that's happening. That is the source of the suffering and the cause of an apparent dark night of the soul. 

2. The disparity between ego consciousness, and the consciousness that will occur after you get over the dark night of the soul is large if you don't practice meditation 24/7 and make enlightenment a lifestyle rather than a habit. To reduce suffering, this disparity must be minimised, and to do this, enlightenment has to be a lifestyle not a habit. Otherwise you're fucked. 

[Leo Gura]

Fear and torture are not part of it, that is part of the ego-mind's reaction. Seems like you got some shadow stuff to work through.

[Radical]

@Endangered-EGO you are correct. Ancient Greek philosophers in pre-Socrates era feared infinity too. They didn’t like it. Because not only infinity is fearful and empty from meaning, but also because infinity is what erases you, it destroys your physical individuality and makes you into an object among other objects, infinity negates your subjective human essence and turns you into phenomenon, into rocks among other rocks. They always called infinity as negative infinity, as pure negation. For them, infinity was rock. Only by opposing infinity we exist, only by opposing infinity - consciousness exist. Because infinity and consciousness are opposites, and they exist by opposing each other. In negative ‘union’. Consciousness doesn’t exist without being a contrast, an opposition to Being, to Infinity. Unfortunately, many think that infinite and consciousness are same thing. But that’s a misconception, they are not same, but they exist in connection through opposition. Not in positive union, not in oneness but in opposition. Consciousness ‘fully manifests’ in opposition to infinity. 

[electroBeam]

4 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Oh boy.

+1+1+1+1+1+1

[Inliytened1]

1 hour ago, Radical said:

@Endangered-EGO you are correct. Ancient Greek philosophers in pre-Socrates era feared infinity too. They didn’t like it. Because not only infinity is fearful and empty from meaning, but also because infinity is what erases you, it destroys your physical individuality and makes you into an object among other objects, infinity negates your subjective human essence and turns you into phenomenon, into rocks among other rocks. They always called infinity as negative infinity, as pure negation. For them, infinity was rock. Only by opposing infinity we exist, only by opposing infinity - consciousness exist. Because infinity and consciousness are opposites, and they exist by opposing each other. In negative ‘union’. Consciousness doesn’t exist without being a contrast, an opposition to Being, to Infinity. Unfortunately, many think that infinite and consciousness are same thing. But that’s a misconception, they are not same, but they exist in connection through opposition. Not in positive union, not in oneness but in opposition. Consciousness ‘fully manifests’ in opposition to infinity. 

Infinity and consciousness is the same thing.  What you are describing is duality - distinction.  This is still infinity.  Pure infinity is the complete lack of distinction which is pure Love.   But distinction is still infinity just in a particular finite form.   Pure infinity is formless.  Its nothing.  But what is nothing is everything and can shapeshift into anything it wants.

[Radical]

1 minute ago, Inliytened1 said:

Infinity and consciousness is the same thing.  What you are describing is duality - distinction.  This is still infinity.  Pure infinity is the complete lack of distinction which is pure Love.   But distinction is still infinity just in a particular finite form.  

Consciousness is outside of infinity. It seems like they are same thing but they are not. better ask urself- what is that desire for nonduality? what is that idea that reality must be nondual? what if it is not nondual?

[Inliytened1]

1 minute ago, Radical said:

Consciousness is outside of infinity. 

What can be outside of Infinity?  Infinity includes everything.   But i know what you are pointing to.  Mind or knowing.   But that is part of infintiy.  Infinity is not physical so Consciousness with a capital C is used because reality is a Mind.  It is not a physical objective reality.  It is simply everthing.  In which it must be nothing.  

[Radical]

6 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

What can be outside of Infinity?  Infinity includes everything.   But i know what you are pointing to.  Mind or knowing.   But that is part of infintiy.  Infinity is not physical so Consciousness with a capital C is used because reality is a Mind.  It is not a physical objective reality.  It is simply everthing.  In which it must be nothing.  

Consciousness is outside of everything. That is, the only content of God's Providential Thought, superiority over absolutely everything.

Consciousness is not-identical to absolute everything-ness. Because of that non-identicalness, there is witness. Rock can't witness other rocks because it is identical to them. But human can witness because human has consciousness which is not identical to Being.

Edited January 19, 2020 by Radical

[Inliytened1]

8 minutes ago, Radical said:

Consciousness is outside of everything. That is, the only content of God's Providential Thought, superiority over absolutely everything.

Consciousness is not-identical to absolute everything-ness. Because of that non-identicalness, there is witness. Rock can't witness other rocks because it is identical to them. But human can witness because human has consciousness which is not identical to Being.

You are lost.  You need direct realization of your true nature - which is Infinity.  You are not a human.  Thats something you dreamed up.

[Radical]

@Inliytened1 Your Pantheism/Monism cannot be cured. It is you who are lost. i am human, and you are too. May it seems like illusion. But thought is more important than experience.

[Inliytened1]

4 minutes ago, Radical said:

@Inliytened1 Your Pantheism/Monism cannot be cured. It is you who are lost. i am human, and you are too. May it seems like illusion. But thought is more important than experience.

No..lol.  I'm just awake and you aren't. 

[Radical]

19 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

No..lol.  I'm just awake and you aren't. 

I am trying to save human essence, and you are willing to lose it because you think that it is illusion and ego, you are taught to do so by nondual metaphysics. But its not illusion, and not ego. You want to lose your human essence and to become rock among other rocks, to be dog among other dogs. Coz to be rock, to be object is blissful and to be human is painful. You've traded human essence for candy, for infinite candy.

 

[Inliytened1]

4 minutes ago, Radical said:

I am trying to save human essence, and you are willing to lose it because you think that it is illusion and ego, you are taught to do so by nondual metaphysics. But its not illusion, and not ego. You want to lose your human essence and to become rock among other rocks, to be dog among other dogs. Coz to be rock, to be object is blissful and to be human is painful. You've traded human essence for candy, for infinite candy.

 

I'm not forgoing human essence - I'm just conscious of Truth.  I'm conscious that i can take the form of a human - or a dog - or whatever form i shift into to experience myself as God.   I do not judge.  I only have love for myself.  I'm even you.  So how can i judge myself?

[Radical]

@Inliytened1 Infinite is not God, infinite is enemy of true God.

[Inliytened1]

2 minutes ago, Radical said:

@Inliytened1 Infinite is not God, infinite is enemy of true God.

Ok...continue to contemplate and meditate If you do...you may discover something different.  You stumbled on a very special place here.

[Byun Sean]

@Radicalyou are lost in mental masturbation. @Inliytened1 is not talking about a philosophy he subscribes to but a direct awareness of ultimate reality itself. 

Looks like you just need to do more consciousness work. 

When we are dealing with ultimate reality, we cannot reason our way to ultimate truth.

[Leo Gura]

User @Radical has been banned for having a history of posting disinformation.

[remember]

@Endangered-EGO you are not smoking weed anymore do you? i‘m just asking because i also did not have good experiences with weed and it took a long time for me to realize that i had to keep away from it. i tried it again once alone some months ago in a very mild dose after years and went to sleep very fast because it really does paint a pretty dark experience.

i’m a person who is already very attentive and open and sensitive to a lot of things happening around me - but i always try to see a positive side and tell the illusion to go away now if i realize it’s turning too negative. i guess i would go with the first answer you got here as a bingo. try to be very attentive to what exactly is making up the darkness, you can feel into it and sometimes you can feel it coming, it’s like it has a substance of its own not really liquid not really air maybe it feels different for you than it feels for me but i‘m sure you can somehow feel into it. also feel into how joy feels like. do you have any other practice than meditation which brings you joy? as meditation is not in that sense bringing along the substance of it automatically but is more to see through all of these experiences. do something that elevates your mood inbetween, also with a lot of awareness and attention. try to put love into it and give you some credit for every step that brings you out of the darkness. for now concentrate on the now. i‘d also recommend you trying rhodiola rosea  i‘m recommending that in every case of being caught up in darkness or fear. not that you then should stop with the self-inquiry but to lift the heaviness of the terror a little bit.

infinity is crazily beautiful if you find out about the beauty in infinity the terror inside of you will vanish step by step.

feel embraced.

Edited January 19, 2020 by remember

[Endangered-EGO]

Okay, I m gonna respond to everyone simoultaneously:

@electroBeam Yeah I meditated a lot, and during the day I am sometimes able to focus on the nothingness or on the infinity (more rarely) during the day. 

I am not currently in the dark night of the soul, because I'm just having glimpses at infinity/nothingness. I am not close to a full blown awakening with nonduality. Feeling the infinity during meditation increases the tranquillity of being, however during the night I was feeling nauseous and then infinity came up. Is it possible that it just amplifies all subjective feelings? So that infinity + some feeling/emotion equals infinite emotion? This is what we are supposed to do with love, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

So basically I have to surrender to it totally, my attachements also come up after perceiving the infinity, I start to realise stuff. The bad part is, when I'm not feeling too good, and some nightmare comes up with infinity.

I start to tell myself: I want to suffer if bad stuff happens I don't want to be happy if bad stuff happens, and this is causing me not to be able to surrender to it a 100percent either, I have to contemplate about that even more.

@Leo Gura Yes, this stuff comes up usually during the day after meditation, I think meditation brings this up, and the awareness of it makes me contemplate it. Weird shit comes up. I realised all the anxiety I developed during the last years is based on the fear of the total nothingness. I think I should use the consciousness I gained to contemplate about the stuff that comes up, and slowly continue to increase the infinity during meditation. I also realised, that it's the same infinity that came up during fever dreams as a child, that's probably the source of the negative associations my ego has about the formless. I associate it with intense distress/pain/fear, because those were the first time they came up?

@Inliytened1 I noticed that the nothingness and the infinity are formless. Now I make the distinction of it, because it just feels different, I believe the infinity facet is way stronger than the nothingness, I experienced those 2 things separately within consciousness/awareness. ( I just noticed you responded to Radical and not to me).

I basically just had a glimpse at infinity, a few years ago I had a full blown nondual nothingness experience. (I don't know how to call it). Now some people say "dying" feels good, for me it didn't. The process of the nothingness taking over is disturbing and the few seconds it takes to take over seems sooo long. What aspect of it am I missing? The letting go?

Could I just be crazy, and deluding myself into mystical stuff, because psychosis is similar to nondual experience?

 

@remember Yes, I stopped smoking weed, The only reason I had an awakening experience in the first place, was because of the fear, that powered the focus on the subtle nothingness I experienced. I didn't have the Concentration necessary to focus on it back then. The fear made it possible.

 

I rarely have emotions, I experienced something last time I went for a walk in the woods, I would love to be able to combine that with infinity. Rest of the day, I feel nothing, especially when a formless thing comes up. No joy, no sadness, no fear etc. Don't know if that's a good thing, but what can I do.

Lol, I'm not sure thinking too much about this stuff is helping. The essence of the Problem is: It doesn't feel good, how can I make it feel good? Because it should feel good. I guess Love? If you guys know how to increase love I'm interested in specific meditations. I'm already using the techniques about Leo's What is Love Video, however I made the commitment to try everything