I feel like I'm dying days after a mushroom trip(3g) but it's pleasant

[Espaim]

It has been 6 days since my last mushroom trip (3g). No real powerful insight came during the trip (i don't remember much of it but I did have ego loss) but now I'm starting to get some real weird reactions. I have had some "awakening experiences" in the past but nothing like this.

Context: I've been meditating for 1,5 year; I have a history of depression, anxiety, demotivation and nihilism. I have tripped on 1g mushrooms before(on December).

On Sunday, after the trip ended I felt like I was born again. Everything was so beautiful. I looked around and my life seemed perfect, no problems whatsoever. The thing is: this feeling didn't go away. It's now so easy to be authentic and I'm so much more disciplined to do everything I always planned to do. I stared at a pillow on Thursday and it felt like total bliss. Even pain now isn't unpleasant. Anxiety and anger come up and I can just bear with it. Even past "negative emotions" are pleasant now. I used to suffer a lot to meditate and don't even think about doing strong determination sitting. Now it's just effortless. Actually, everything is effortless.

Now, about the dying part. Everyday when I exercise those behaviors that I didn't use to practice I have a strange feeling of something dying inside of me. I used to repress anger so much that now when it comes up fully I feel like I am dying. I'm becoming so much more loving and assertive. I know this was possible but didn't believe it could happen with me. All the theory I have accumulated when watching to Actualized.org and reading books seem to be so easily applicable now. Why it was so hard before?

Okay. Actually, I know the answer. I used to resist the present moment so much. When meditating I couldn't go futher than 30min without becoming super restless. I created a spiritual ego around the teachings I listened to on Youtube but didn't make them happen. I created my own depression and anxiety by resisting what was happening (now I understand the video "you're not happy because you don't want to be").  Even by not browsing social media I managed to waste a lot of time on my cellphone. I listened to a lot of theory and thought that I was growing when I was just procrastinating and wasting my time. I resisted working because it seemed boring, forgetting that I chose to do what I wanted to do and my vision for the future.How could I be so ignorant of all those things?

Well... I chose to, but I wasn't aware that I did. Now it's the time to actually implement most of the fucking theory I half-assed through. I won't promise doing anything here because, you know, talk is cheap.

I'm fucking grateful for life and existence with all it's shit and whatever thanks

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

Congratulations and welcome to the Dead Poets Society!

Death is the greatest thing ever, isn't it?

[Matt23]

Would you be willing to keep us updated on this new state/awareness in the future?  I'd be interested to see how these feelings or states or w/e you call them persists (or doesn't persist).  To see if any changes happen or not.

Congrats! 

[Espaim]

@Matt23 Here's me after 2 months!

I managed to implement more self-actualization theory into my life. Dietary habits changed (quit sugar and caffeine) and I became way more social than I used to be in those 2 months. On the other hand, I had some problems with sex drive: I just didn't have any libido. After that trip it came back intensely and now I'm addicted to fapping 

The really bad "depression" I had just went away. Now I feel the normal range of emotions.

I had some waves of wasting time on my phone and then not using it a lot over those 2 months. My discipline seems to have increased a mild amount overall.

Yesterday I've done 15 minutes of Holotropic Breathwork and more repressed emotions came up. Really like it was when I took mushrooms. The anger and sadness just got purged.

[wavydude]

4 minutes ago, Espaim said:

After that trip it came back intensely and now I'm addicted to fapping

If you restrain yourself from fapping you can use that sex drive for actual sex 

[traveler]

1 hour ago, Espaim said:

On the other hand, I had some problems with sex drive: I just didn't have any libido. After that trip it came back intensely and now I'm addicted to fapping 

The really bad "depression" I had just went away. Now I feel the normal range of emotions.

This could might aswell have been my words, I have went through the exact same.