Danger of practices like Byron Katie's "The Work"

[Farnaby]

First of all, I want to say that I see value in this kind of approach to psychological and relational problems. It's a fact that we can develop an attitude towards life and relationships that works like a self fulfilling prophecy where we constantly find ourselves suffering because of beliefs we hold. For instance, if we always have a victim mentality. I think it's a positive thing to question our beliefs and see if they are actually true. 

However, it's also a fact that abusive people and abusive behaviors exist (at least from a relative perspective). This is where I find it dangerous to accept the idea that "everything we think about another person is a false belief". This seems like the premise that's present in the work. The questions asked seem like rhetoric questions where the conclusion is already reached before the inquiry ("your belief is false"). 

I don't think this is always the case. If your body feels threatened, attacked, there may very well be something in the situation that's abusive. Of course we all have traumas and can be triggered by neutral things and interpret them as an abuse. But we can't assume that everything that feels like abuse really isn't abuse. 

For instance, let's say you're feeling sad and someone says something like "Oh come on, stop being such a pussy", that's definitely abusive and definitely something you don't have to accept in your life. It would actually be unhealthy to not recognize this as abusive, because you would become a person that's easily manipulated if you don't trust your instinct in these kind of situations just because someone told you that your beliefs are never true. 

Of course it's true that abusive people are usually very hurt people and you can have compassion for them, but it would be unhealthy to second guess yourself when you feel something is off and tolerate their abuse. 

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this  

[Leo Gura]

Yes, you need to set firm boundaries in a relationship as far as what you're willing to accept.

[Martin123]

@Farnaby You're right. I find her teachings to have an invalidating and almost controlling quality.

Strange thing about 'the work' is that if you imagined another person talking to you in the way that work suggests for you to talk to yourself, you wouldn't be incorrect by calling them abusive and engaging in gas-lighting.
It can create an adversarial relationship with your mind and heart. Make you your own enemy.  

 

I should also add that the work is perfect for the recovery from narcissistic tendencies, but that's not you is it...

Edited January 18, 2020 by Martin123

[Farnaby]

12 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Yes, you need to set firm boundaries in a relationship as far as what you're willing to accept.

That's how I see it too!

 

7 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Farnaby You're right. I find her teachings to have an invalidating and almost controlling quality.

Strange thing about 'the work' is that if you imagined another person talking to you in the way that work suggests for you to talk to yourself, you wouldn't be incorrect by calling them abusive and engaging in gas-lighting.
It can create an adversarial relationship with your mind and heart. Make you your own enemy.  

 

I should also add that the work is perfect for the recovery from narcissistic tendencies, but that's not you is it...

Exactly my thoughts too. I found the first video quite disturbing lol.

However, I find value in the second one where she helps the other person accept that we all have our own path and not accepting another person's path (even if it's unhealthy for them) results in us treating them in an authoritarian way.