No leg to stand on

[Gili Trawangan]

One week til the first single is released. It's really no big deal, my promotion efforts have fallen flat so far, so it will not be heard by more than a few people. Which is fine, but it's funny how this whole process has wreaked havoc in the psyche. It's facing one of my biggest fears, which is to become visible. To (seemingly) be seen by others. I try telling myself that there are no others, and I am not this body, but it doesn't work. It's clear that the understanding of nonduality is merely intellectual at this point, and the body/mind feels separate. Which is why there is so much anxiety and fear. There is the fear of failure, rejection, even the fear of success. Ever since I was a child, I've always had the need to hide. It started of course within the family, and it grew from there. I wanted to escape, to run away, to never be seen or talked about again. It was visceral, and a mild version of that old pattern has been coming back lately. Thank God it's a mild version, because I remember it being hell when I was younger. So, in that sense, much progress has been achieved, now that I think of it.

Still, I feel that this whole project, aside from being about making music, is about facing those fears. It's as if the so-called higher self wants me to see through the illusion of such fears, to face these inner demons and grow stronger because of it. But it really hasn't been easy, it's a tug of war inside the mind between the part that wants to keep going and the part that is scared like a little kid and wants to just give up and hide from the world forever. In order to do that, the mind draws me in towards addictions, and it generates thoughts like "I'm no good", "I have nothing new to say to people", "I can't help anyone", "There is no value whatsoever in what I do or in anything, for that matter". These thoughts are sneaky as fuck, sometimes they are seen through and sometimes they are believed.

So I guess the only way to move forward is to be patient. It's more emotionally draining that I had thought it would be. So, baby steps.

[Gili Trawangan]

Things that are becoming clear:

- Having awakenings doesn't end suffering. They greatly diminish suffering, but the ego has needs that, if not addressed, will cause bad moods and psychological pain; there was a honeymoon period after last year's awakening to Love, but slowly and gradually the monotony of daily life led to old patterns of conditioning to set in again. Emotional distress resulted in going back to addiction, and addiction completely messes with the mind and the ability to experience joy on a moment to moment basis.

- thoughts about having no free will or there being no separate self are worthless and generate inaction or improper action. These are different from the experience of attention being drawn inwards and the noticing that all is well in the moment. The latter is a relief and healing, the former are sneaky ego tactics. Even being ultimately true that there is no separate self, the ego co-opts these thoughts and uses them to justify laziness and complacency. The ego also co-opts thoughts of immortality and the idea that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. Before awakening, I had the sense that I needed to enjoy life while there is time, and that had its own issues, but I was definitely moving my ass and having all sorts of amazing experiences back then. Coupled with the suffering of believing in self-image.

- Embracing life as a human is challenging, but ultimately what we're here for. We've chosen to come here, so denying the separate self's existence is not embracing the paradox. Ultimately there isn't a separate self, but there seems to be one and it has its needs, so it needs taking care of. This means that not addressing its needs will lead to a backlash that is very distressing. Things like proper nutrition, exercise, meditation, socialization, sex and sense of purpose are essential to feeling good day to day. My life is clearly missing a sense of enthusiasm and wonder. It needs a change.

After this first single release, I need to make changes to my life, this isn't working. I need to get out of the house more. The medium-term goal is to leave this city altogether, but for now that's not possible, so I will rent a motorbike next month and finally take the plunge and start driving around. Staying in all the time has wreaked havoc in the psyche.

[Gili Trawangan]

So I haven't written here in a long time. Didn't feel like it, I guess. A lot of it was due to going through caffeine withdrawal, it has taken me quite some time to feel normal again after quitting coffee. But things have been good now that I feel normal again, with enough energy to get me through the days without the need for stimulants.

The EP is finally going to come out on March 5th. I just couldn't bring myself to release it before, and couldn't quite understand why, but then I realized that there was something wrong with the mastering. I checked it against other music out there, and it turns out that my masters were at a lower volume. So I decided to master the EP again. Took the opportunity and also remixed one of the songs that wasn't sounding the way I wanted it to. Big improvement in the end.

I've also started posting videos on YouTube about spirituality. I love talking about those things and don't get to do it on a daily basis, plus it's tied with the whole project, the music is very inspired by spirituality. Of course, the audience for both the videos and the music is very small, but that's not the point. I feel like this project is here to help me shed more layers of ego. A big part of my ego is this preoccupation with image, and therefore not wanting to be seen. There's a fear of being seen by others, of putting myself out there. Before posting the first video, there was fear and agitation and anxiety. I knew my family would watch them, and I'm talking about things that they don't understand, and the same thing goes for my friends back home. But after uploading the first few videos, it got better, I just needed to push through.

I've also started writing music again, started a new song this week. So things are going well, I finally have my energy back. It took a long time, it's incredible the effect that caffeine addiction was having on me.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Gili Trawangan

[Gili Trawangan]

Going on holiday today. It's been a year since the last one and I'm looking forward to having some time off. It's only a week, but I guess I can count myself lucky that I'm able to travel, most people aren't able to do that. Will be visiting Hoi An, it's supposed to be picturesque and quaint, and it probably won't be overcrowded the way it used to be pre-covid. It's by the beach as well, and I'm always up for being near the ocean.

The goal: to rest and recharge.