No leg to stand on

[Gili Trawangan]

Still working hard on the project, and there was a synchronicity that couldn't be ignored: as I'm finishing up my first mix there's a youtube channel that I subscribe about home recording and mixing that has decided to offer a three-month free trial on their paid forum. It's a forum for musicians, producers and engineers who have home studios to exchange tips, advice and possibly collaborate together. I decided to go against my usual resistance about entering any kind of community (like what happened with Actualized.org as well), and I signed up.

I've posted my first mix on that forum and got some great tips on how to improve it. These guys are more experienced than I am and they could pick up nuance that I wasn't hearing. Plus, it's fresh ears listening to the song, so it was really helpful. It's a nice system where you are encouraged to give feedback to at least two other people before asking for feedback yourself, which is what I did. Very happy about having people to turn to for some newbie advice. Plus I got some really nice compliments, they said it was an impressive first mix, despite some issues with the balance. Turns out vocals and synths were a bit too loud and the drums not loud enough. Good tips.

Also, today I recorded some vocals that I still needed to improve, and did my first acoustic guitar recording attempt. Boy, am I playing badly. I feel too lazy to actually practice and rehearse, so I just play enough to be able to cut and paste later with the best bits. Really not ideal, but my heart just isn't in playing instruments, I just do the bare minimum. Of course, it needs to sound good in the end, so I might need another recording session.

[Gili Trawangan]

And the recording stage is over. I've spent all day so far cleaning up the recorded tracks, comping (which is choosing the best bits of each take) and basically ending with full tracks that I'm happy with. It's the kind of work that just makes time disappear, I look at the clock when it's over and time has flown by...

The next step is preparing for mixing, which means editing every track. It's getting rid of unwanted audio pops and clicks, making sure everything is in time, gain staging the tracks so they are at a proper volume level, and organizing the sessions for mixing. Everything needs to be easy to identify, right now it's all one giant mess. It should take me a couple of days, at least, to do this.

[Gili Trawangan]

The last couple of days were spent mixing a song from scratch, and the result seems to be pretty good. Not amazing, there isn't the clarity I wanted to get, but it's only the second time I attempt to mix a song, so I can't expect it to be perfect. I'm learning too many concepts in very little time and the times when I'm not working there is a lot of mind agitation and even tiredness. It's what they call choice fatigue. There are infinite possibilities within any given mix, and making some decisions becomes stressful, even with the awareness that it really doesn't matter in the end. There is a real desire to master this, to become better quickly. I really want my first release to have professional quality.

Aside from that, there are emotional ups and downs. Sometimes I can't believe my luck being able to working on something I'm passionate about while not having to work a nine to five job. Starting this week, because of the virus, I only teach four classes per week. And even so, if I'm careful with expenses I can survive on this salary. Yet, other times there's a sadness. It usually starts with agitation, too much excitement, then there's masturbation to obtain some release, and if that happens a few times in a day it causes a bad mood. Underneath it all there is a deep acceptance of that as well, I'm nowhere near depression. It's not even thoughts, not that I'm aware of. It's the body, there's too much energy or tension or whatever it is. And it feels very uncomfortable, so sometimes I go for meditation, others for masturbation. It's pretty funny now that I think of it.

It's happened every step of the way so far. When learning how to use the DAW for songwriting, it happened, this overwhelmed. Then it got easier. With recording, same thing. Then it got easier. It should be the same way with mixing, and hopefully with promotion, even though I think I'll be getting external help for that. Maybe.

[Gili Trawangan]

All week I was mixing the same song, working 6-8 hours a day on it. It's a very interesting process, it feels like I'm developing my ear for listening to details that I simply had never paid attention to before. Every day I would think I'd done good work, only to listen to it again the next day and find problems with it. I also relied on feedback from a music production forum, I got some very nice tips there. I feel like I'm learning a lot. Mixing a song is basically about fixing problems. You hear something that doesn't sound right and you try to fix it. What makes it challenging is that there are multiple ways you can do that, and some of them won't work or will create problems elsewhere. Sometimes it's frustrating, because you solve a problem only to find that you've created another one somewhere else in the mix. So you keep fixing stuff and finding new details to focus on. And when you're done fixing problems, there's also creative decisions to be made, how do you enhance what's good about the song? Anyway, I have a preliminary mix on this first song and it's really not bad. It's not amazing either, but I have to accept that I'm a beginner who needs to be patient and learn as much as possible while at the same time making something that sounds pretty good. Next week I'll probably start mixing another song so I can rest from this one, and come back for the finishing touches once I have fresh ears for it again.

[Gili Trawangan]

I showed the first song to a few friends, and they were supportive, but seemed underwhelmed. I think that's just their way, plus some projection on my part. The reactions and the search for validation are seen for what they are, and then I go back to work. Currently mixing the second song, today I solved a huge problem at the end of the song, and was very happy with how I solved it. These production decisions are a lot of fun to make, you don't know if they're gonna work out but sometimes they do. This song is outright weird and I have no idea what people will think of it. Who cares anyway, it was fun to make it come alive.

Aside from all of this, these are strange days. All spent alone, and there was a very interesting moment a few days ago, when it seemed like something big was almost seen. It was almost seen that there is absolutely nobody here. And I don't just mean that there is no person. Even saying that there is consciousness or presence would be saying too much. It was weird, it came and it went, it's a bit more than just seeing through false identification. I can't put it into words. Plus, it quickly went so anything I say about it will be a memory and therefore false.

[Gili Trawangan]

The month of April has passed. The goal was to finish the recording stage, but because some other work I had planned for extra income didn't come through I ended up having more time on my hands and was able to complete three mixes after recording. I keep finding out new stuff about mixing and going back to the songs to experiment and try to extract a better sound. So I've been tweaking every single song almost on a daily basis and (hopefully) improving them. Some little details are still off and the solution eludes me for the time being. I need some distance from them and to come back to them later.

A few days ago it hit me that the EP is getting really close to its completion. It means I have to start planning the release and doing a lot of stuff that brings up emotional upheaval. I have to build a website, commission artwork, think about the marketing strategy, all stuff that I'm conditioned to think I'm not good at. So a lot of vigilance is required, I have to watch myself evade these marketing tasks and try to undermine their importance to the project. I get stuck on very trivial decisions like, should I get professional photos done? What I really wanted was a musical project that is mysterious, no faces, just a logo and some artwork on the website. But is that a turn off? I don't know, I guess I'll just have to try something out and make mistakes along the way.

The whole thing is still fun, and for the most part I'm in a good mood throughout the days. It's like a game being played where it doesn't really matter if the game is won or lost. There is awareness of the ego thoughts that sometimes want to make up problems. They're seen for what they are and sometimes I find "myself" laughing at some of the thoughts that come up. They're so random and inconsistent. When no attention is paid to them there is a sense of calm and joy. A sense of being home already. And gratitude. All is well.

[Gili Trawangan]

The whole week was spent on a new mix, the most challenging one so far. It's the song with the most instruments and some of the vocals weren't recorded well enough (a lesson for the future). On Monday, by the end of the day I'd killed the mix by being too impatient. I started using compression randomly and made a mess. The next day I corrected that mistake, and every day since was spent improving the song little by little, tweak by tweak. A lot of experimenting was done as well, sometimes successfully, many times not. Saving the track on different files throughout is crucial, there's always the possibility of screwing up the mix along the way and not knowing why or how (and it happened a few times).

The climax of the song is sounding powerful, I found a new trick of widening the stereo field above 100%, had not idea you could do that. Sometimes I find these little nuggets that force me to go back and rethink the earlier mixes. I see now that none of them are really complete, I will have to revisit all of them soon and apply some of the techniques I've learned recently. In the end, it will hopefully be worth it and the songs will sound good.

Today I texted an old acquaintance who's a designer. I asked her if she was interested in doing the artwork for the EP and the website, she hasn't replied yet. If not, I'll have to find someone online, I have no idea how much something like this costs...

And schools have reopened here in Vietnam, along with the language centres where I teach. I've had one class on Thursday and it was difficult to get back into the classroom, more so because of having to wear a face mask all the time, it's very uncomfortable. I felt extremely tired when it was over.

[Gili Trawangan]

A sad mood these past few days. Going back into the classroom is difficult, I feel totally uninspired. I have a few students who blatantly show how bored and impatient they are, and all I want to do is disappear.

Plus the upcoming launch of the music project brings up a lot of old conditioning. And I say old but it doesn't feel old, it feels brand new. It's fear of failure mostly. Fear that the songs will mean nothing to no one. A sense of meaninglessness ensues, and I end up not being able to handle it, and revert back to compulsive masturbation, which has always been my go-to strategy to escape emotional pain.

These days I feel like I don't want to be here in Vietnam. It's too hot all the time, so I'm either uncomfortable or I stay inside. Usually I just stay inside, I don't even get to take walks because it's so fucking polluted and noisy over here.

I know this is the mind projecting outwards, but it can't be helped. It doesn't feel good.

[Gili Trawangan]

What a mindfuck. For nearly two years I've embarked on a very rigorous process of self-observation in an attempt to understand myself/reality. It has definitely paid off, there were some big realizations. But I really thought that after a few awakenings the ego energy would quiet down a bit. It doesn't seem like it has. It feels like a never-ending cycle of thoughts/emotions, from joy to sadness, to love, to anger, to anxiety, to fear, to happiness, to excitement, to peace, and so on... and it occurred to me today, as I was re-reading passages of "Authentic Happiness", that the very process that began as the means to discover truth has become the trap of self-absorption. As the mind conditioning was being uncovered and the ego seen for what it is, the conditioning of always paying attention to thoughts and feelings was being strengthened.

And that's really not where happiness lies. I know that ultimately happiness is our true nature, as it's often put. Yes, it's true, in deep meditation there is only peace. But that's not the life I want, I don't want to be a monk. So there has to be a way to get happiness without letting go of the world entirely. "Authentic Happiness" says it's in gratification: "the absence of feeling, loss of self-consciousness and total engagement". I would have to agree. I've noticed lately how I can spend an entire day feeling anxious and in an overall bad mood, dreading the idea of having to teach a class. Then I go to school, I teach the class, where my engagement is total, and when it's over the body-mind has become peaceful. Peaceful is not the right word, maybe, but it's a very satisfying sensation. Two hours have gone by where there was no self-consciousness, that's what happened.

I spend too much time alone without meeting any challenges. It's true that I'm working on the music project, and it does take a lot out of me, so I'm not entirely useless all day, but I get the feeling that this is simply not enough. No social life at the moment, I haven't had intimacy with a woman in months, so besides the music project there isn't much for the mind to do except to focus on thoughts/feelings. Self-absorption.

This isn't the life I want. And I definitely feel stuck in this pattern. Leaving the house is a struggle, unless there's a clearly defined purpose beforehand. The pandemic took away my gym routine, and I've been lazy to go back.

I need to get this project going, launch it soon, because living in Saigon has become unhealthy. I usually love walking, and here I simply can't do it, it's too much air pollution and heat. I know these are excuses, all of this is my own doing, but I need something to look forward to. I want to live somewhere where I can take a walk and breathe fresh air. Maybe near the ocean. At the moment, it's just not possible. This is the place where I get paid enough per hour that I get enough free time to work on the project. Anywhere else would be a step back. When it comes to teaching, I'm really comfortable here. Sigh...

[Gili Trawangan]

On 5/26/2020 at 3:24 PM, Gili Trawangan said:

I haven't had intimacy with a woman in months

On the day I write this, I get laid again. I should have whined sooner! 

[Gili Trawangan]

Yesterday, while being driven, on the back of a motorbike, to school to teach a class, something new happened. I went past hundreds if not thousand of faces, on the streets and on other motorbikes, and I began to notice the beauty in all of them. Usually there's a mechanism of finding people attractive or not attractive, but yesterday that filter was gone during that drive. Everyone was beautiful, you could say that everything was the face of God. Love was felt for every single creature, regardless of how they looked. I could see benevolence in every face, whether they looked sad, happy, neutral, in a hurry, bored, angry... all was beautiful, it was the first time I understood experientially (as opposed to rationally) that everyone is beautiful. I was moved to tears. Am moved to tears now just thinking about it.

[Gili Trawangan]

I've decided to postpone the EP release. July was the original launch date, but I'm not gonna make it. I've been getting feedback on my songs as I'm mixing, from a music/production/mixing forum, and the consensus is that my mixes are just not good enough yet.

One of my songs was torn apart by a member because of the midi instruments. There's a trumpet, a trombone and an organ, and he said they sound like a video game. Ouch. He's right though, they don't sound realistic. Also, I've been having consistent issues with drum sounds throughout all songs, they just don't sound real. I was surprised that I didn't feel much hurt when I read the comment. The first few hours after realizing that I still suck at mixing there were definitely thoughts about it and an unease feeling. Including thoughts of quitting. But after a while they dissipated and another thought came: "Of course, what else did I expect? I'm a newbie." What was obviously unrealistic was to think that I could pull it off, with the gear I have, and actually come up with a great sounding record. I noticed ego ideas of being a great musician, gifted, and all that ego bullshit, and decided to at least try to make peace with the idea of never actually being any good. If it turns out that I'm just an ordinary musician, so be it. None of it is who I am, whether a genius or a fraud or anything in between, I am none of it.

I left it all for about five days, and just focused on teaching, now that the lockdown is over I'm being given more classes. And today, now that I've cooled off, I feel like I need to relax and be patient. I need to get even more curious about the whole thing. Get interested in the sounds of instruments and developing my ears to hear the fine distinctions. What makes a trumpet sound like a trumpet? What do real drums sound like and how are they played? And this process needs to be enjoyable, so I don't want to feel pressure. Therefore, the release is postponed indefinitely (though in my mind the date September 1st is what comes up, I'll try to make that date).

Besides, I've asked an old acquaintance for help with the artwork, and she hasn't delivered yet. I'm depending on having artwork to build the website and can't release anything without it anyway, so why be in a hurry? It was generating a lot of agitation, trying to make the deadlines. Fuck it, it's not authentic to me. I once read Tim Ferriss' "The 4-Hour Workweek" and I hated it. It's all about being productive, it feels totally neurotic, it's not my way of doing things. I like doing things slowly, I like the peace of having a quiet mind, and anything else feels inauthentic to the soul and generates suffering. This isn't a race, there's no one to race against.

[Gili Trawangan]

Non-doership is now utterly obvious. Thoughts and intentions arise out of nothing, there is no doer. It's just like a dream, it just unfolds. In a dream, no effort is required whatsoever, it just unfolds within a mind that knows not what's happening. Same with this so-called Reality. It is just unfolding, there is absolutely nothing to regret, to feel guilty for, to feel proud of, life - not only death - is the great equalizer.

There seems to be a deepening of this realization. Though sometimes the belief in doership arises again, and the belief in being the body-mind. It's chaos, sometimes it all feels personal, sometimes it feels totally impersonal. It's never consistent, it's constantly changing. A beautiful experience, never boring.

And all resistance comes from this belief in personal doership. It arises out of nothing, just like everything else.

All week there has been plenty of resistance to working on the music project. My friend has shown me the first version of the artwork, it looks quite good to me. Only the album cover is missing. And yet, there is still so much resistance to opening Studio One and working on the mixes. There is a sense of overwhelm. So I don't do it, something else gets done. And that's fine, it's exactly how it needs to be.

[Gili Trawangan]

I've become active on the forum again lately and it's time to stop. It's a way of distracting myself from work. It was fun to interact on some threads, but it ultimately leads to a feeling of wasted time. The break was needed though, couldn't face the music project during these last couple of weeks.

The weekend is busy with classes, but on Monday I'll start again. I might start taking modafinil every now and again, cause the mental energy just hasn't been there for me lately. It's a lack of exercise, since the lockdown I've only done push-ups and squats at home, and it's not enough to provide some healthy energy.

[Gili Trawangan]

I took modafinil today, for the first time in a long time, in several months. Sunday is when I have four hours of classes in the morning, and two more in the afternoon, with a long break in-between. I've been feeling very low on energy lately, and it felt like I needed a boost.

It's working, it's subtle but there's an urge to be productive. And it's not neurotic in any way, I have no increased anxiety, it just feels really smooth. I just feel like doing productive work. It's raining hard outside, so, instead of going home for that break, I'm at school and I'm about to do something I've never done before. I'm going to plan next week's classes now. Usually I'd be very resistant to doing something like this...

Starting tomorrow, I'll be taking modafinil for the music project. Time to get off my ass and actually finish that record.

[Gili Trawangan]

So I've finished planning the whole week's classes, with time to spare. A bit of anxiety began, a slight "wanting to do too much", but I just meditated for about five minutes and regained focus. Feeling amazing again. I have another hour to kill.

Today, during lunch, for no reason at all, I started mentally dividing the stages of my life story into chunks where I was mastering something. It's a story, of course, but I'm trying to gain clarity in what to focus on. This is what I came up with:

Teenage years: first attempts at being social, awkward attempts though. Still, made some good friends, then began playing music. Nothing was mastered, and there was loads of teenage depression.

University years: I master socialization. Against all previous conditioning, I become a popular guy in school, with loads of friends and a clear sense that most people like me. I often meet people who recognise me, come over to say hello with a smile, and I feel guilty that I don't remember them, though I pretend to. I'm a party animal, drinking way too much but also making some meaningful friendships that last to this day. Poetry, philosophy, literature, cinema, I dive into all of these with passion and connect with others based on that as well. There is a lot of frustration with women, because I can only meet girls when I'm out partying and drinking, if I'm sober I suck.

Age 25-32, post-university: really hard times. Ego is in full throttle. I have health issues and a lot of physical pain. Mildly depressed, but still functional. I realize that working in an office will crush my soul, and start writing music. I record an album, spend all my money on a professional studio and on hired musicians and it fails miserably. I take it personal and get depressed about it. I'm pushed into a relationship with a woman that I don't really want. It lasts three years, all the time there is a sense of misalignment. We break up because she wants a family, she finds another guy and gets her wish. It was God's grace.

Age 33-35: I master travel, independence and dating. After the break-up, I travel the world. I don't even know that I'm searching for God yet, I'm full stage Orange. Hedonism, fun, and a standing on my own two feet. There's no safety net, I don't care if I die at this point. Nothing to lose. I learn game and after about 18 months I've mastered it. All my sexual fantasies and wishes come true, but I'm still spiritually bankrupt. I get into a relationship with a sociopath who teaches me this. The pain of her abuse leads me to finally search for answers within, I've learned that happiness can't be found in objects the hard way.

Age 36: I go travelling again in search for answers within, this time. It's a desperate move, I don't know what else to do. I find books on self-esteem, I do shadow work, I discover my childhood trauma. I try therapy, inner work, anything to get me out of that pain. Something clicks when I watch Leo's video on enlightenment, that night I wake up and I hear myself say: "It's true". With no fucking clue yet. But the rational mind says it can't be, I need answers for myself. I need to know.

The following eighteen months (awakening): I go on meditation retreats, gradually there's nothing else in my life. All I want is the truth. A strange sequence of events leads me to an island in Indonesia that sells magic mushrooms. I have my first mystical experience, life changes forever. I'm not the body, I'm connected to all things, the world isn't material. On meditation, the sense of self drops for just enough time for there to be a recognition, a sober recognition: "I'm not a person, the 'I' is a thought". I take LSD and realize the Absolute. A few months later an ayahuasca ceremony, and an awakening to infinite love. Manifestation is Love.

So why write all this? Besides the fact that I have time to kill now, it becomes clear by looking at this summary that I have NEVER mastered anything work-related. Work ethic is absent from the whole thing. And that's what I want to master, I want to be able to work hard, enjoy myself while I'm doing it, and master a skill in this lifetime. That skill is music making, no doubt. So the next couple of years, at the very least, this needs to be the focus.

[Gili Trawangan]

My day with modafinil:

- woke up around 6:30am

- first class from 8 to 10am

- second class from 10am to 12pm

- lunch and coffee downstairs from school, raining hard, I take my time

- back to school, work for around two hours planning all the classes for the following week

- at the same time, playing around on dating/social apps and chatting to multiple girls for a meet-up

- a few different girls "approach" me online, I'm strangely in demand today; one of them agrees to come to my place for a drink later, she "was impressed that I play guitar"

- another class from 5pm to 7pm

- I go to the store to buy beers and other groceries, plus dinner

- back home, have dinner, take a shower and just in time the girl arrives

- we chat for a while, she doesn't want to drink beer and has brought tea instead

- when I try to kiss her she says she doesn't want to have sex, I back off

- about an hour later she changes her mind and we have sex

- we enjoy each other's company, and chat until 1:30am, only then am I able to fall asleep. She sleeps over

 

Today, I'm back to my regular low energy baseline. Yesterday was not a typical day for me, it's incredible what modafinil can do. It provided me with what seemed like inexhaustible energy. And a desire to accomplish, to achieve. I decided not to take it today, it's too powerful to take it two days in a row, I think it should be used sparingly.

[Gili Trawangan]

Last week I had tremendous ego backlash. I decided to go on a date with a western girl, for some reason thought it was a good idea. She was into me, and invited me to her place the next day. I went, thought it would just be a good time and maybe a hook up, but it turns out we had nothing in common and then in got awkward when she wanted me to leave, it was so sudden. She'd been talking about all the things she wanted to do with me ("I'll take you here next week, I'll go with you there", bla bla) and then out of the blue she says "I don't feel a connection". I really don't want to believe these things, but my life experience just shows me over and over again that I can't trust women. What they say means nothing. It's one of those beliefs that can only be dropped once I'm shown evidence to the contrary, and that certainly hasn't happened for me yet. They either lie or they suddenly change their mind without hesitation. But how can you have a relationship with such a creature? I once read on some astrological reading that I will meet a woman in the second half of my life that will teach me how to trust. No bullshit, I read it, and I hope it's true.

Another thing I've noticed is that most times when I get intimate with a woman these days I end up talking about nonduality, which is utterly silly. Nobody ever gets what I'm talking about, the conversation always takes a turn for the worse. But it just happens, it's a major part of my life in the last two years, if I'm asked about myself in the last two years and I don't talk about it I'm just denying myself. But I want to stop it, this need to talk about it is just that, a craving as any other. Which needs to be dropped.

I realized after this situation that I'm still very much identified with my life story, at least most of the time. I'm identified with being good with women, and when I get rejected, for whatever reason, I feel inadequate. I'm identified with the belief that I can never have an intimate relationship with a woman, because I don't trust them. So the thought comes up often that I'll always be alone, and that thought is also identified with. I'm also identified with not wanting to be seen. It's a major component of the character, and I think part of me has been postponing the conclusion of the EP because there's the fear of being seen. And judged. Which means that I'm identified with the character. I'm not in a place where I can just let anything happen. I'm not free. All of this led to more procrastination, I even binged on porn, which I hadn't watched in months.

The good part is that through all of this there wasn't much suffering. There was acceptance of what was happening. And a sense that there was absolutely no control over it. There was no charge to it, it was happening and it was being seen. Even now, as I write these things, there isn't much charge. I know it's all bullshit. All of this is just stories. Right now, in this moment, all is perfectly well. And this moment is all there is.

[Gili Trawangan]

June was an interesting month, full of procrastination and comfort. For over a year now, in the beginning of each month I write down the mission for that whole month, what I want to accomplish. This was the first time in a year that the goals weren't really specific enough, I wanted to give myself time to learn more about the craft of mixing and music production.

In the midst of all that procrastination, something clicked. I bought new software for drums and bass, and after time off from listening to the songs I went back to them with fresh ears. I eliminated the midi sounds that didn't sound realistic and went with different arrangements in some cases. If I'm not mistaken, the songs have taken a significant leap in quality now that I've worked on the arrangements in the past couple of days. Modafinil was a huge help, when I take it I'm able to tackle difficult tasks without resistance.

And today I went to the gym for the first time in months. I got so tired during the workout that I almost fainted. I feel like those weeks of procrastination were somehow needed and it feels like I'm ready to get back to a routine of hard work (which is really just enjoyable work).

And what's really amazing is that I never judged myself during these lazy days. There was gratitude throughout, happiness. Joy, love of life, love of every moment of existence. I love existing, or, if we want to get technical, I am love.

And I'm gradually letting go of those self-judgements of being a lone wolf, and not being with people enough. I just love being alone, I'm never bored, it makes me happy. Being with people is like having chocolate cake. It's delicious but I should only do it once in a while. Being alone is what I'm drawn to. It just happens. Awakening gives you the gift of letting go of comparisons, so I don't have to feel bad because "others" are more social.

Yes, it was an interesting month. The level of acceptance I feel is getting deeper, I don't think it had ever been this deep before. It's happiness.

[Gili Trawangan]

Finally the mixing process is over. It took longer than I had expected, but there it is. I've spent a few days overwhelmed by how much stuff is coming up soon: building the website, figuring out how to promote the release, it's a lot to do. I took a look at what the priority is, and the priority is actually mastering the EP. I can't submit anything to Spotify until the songs are mastered. So I've been looking at the different options. One is to master it myself, which is entirely off the table. I'm fed up with these songs, and can't bring myself to learn mastering on them, it would be silly. Two other options are available: online automated mastering services (much cheaper) or a real mastering engineer.

I've decided on a real mastering engineer, and the last couple of days have been an inner battle between the stingy part of me and the part of me who knows that if I want good results I should get a good service. I did loads of research, and there are mastering engineers charging anything between 10 dollars and 100 dollars per song. A series of synchronicities have led me to a particular mastering engineer who charges 100 dollars per song. That's 500 dollars just for the mastering, and I'm finding it hard to accept the idea. I don't even remember where this stinginess comes from, but it's been around for a long time. It's fear, of course, but of what?

I guess it doesn't help that my job is seeming precarious. It's well paid, but lately I've been having images of being fired or gradually let go of. The school has hired at least two new native English speaking teachers, and, despite considering myself to be a good enough teacher, being a non-native English speaker keeps me guessing as to whether I'll be discarded in favor of native speakers. Not that they're better, but sometimes customers are superficial and only look at that, so the school might be inclined to go in that direction. This is the stuff that the mind uses to justify the stinginess.

But I'm going against those thoughts. I've put tons of work into these songs, it has been over six months since I've started writing them. It would be pathetic to skimp on the mastering after so much work put into these songs. In the future, maybe I'll learn how to master. Or maybe I'll find out that automated services provide results that are just as good as an experienced engineer. But now is not the time to take that chance. I don't know enough to be able to make those distinctions. 500 bucks, no big deal. Here we go.