No leg to stand on

[Gili Trawangan]

On 3/18/2020 at 1:05 PM, SilentTears said:

I feel this. I've experienced this deeply myself. I think this is what quite a few people on this path go through. I wish you the best no matter which path you chose to take to solve this. Know that I for one unconditionally love you for who you are . 

Right back at you man, thank you! 

 

On 3/18/2020 at 1:05 PM, SilentTears said:

Right?! Trying to rationalize these insights always takes my mind for a ride.

also, about the whole sexual compulsion thing. Have you ever tried looking into tantra or cultivating the energy? An example would be channeling your sexual energy through visualization, body movement and clenching of the PC muscle to move your Creative energy(sexual energy) to different parts of your body. Heart chakra to experience bliss and ecstasy or third eye for creative insights into your work. 

I've been informed by some spiritual practitioners on how once they started this they were able to use this energy to actualize their dreams, such as writing books with this energy or creating communities that help benefit mindkind through the use of this energy. 

It's funny you should mention this, I have a webpage open on my phone browser which I haven't read yet precisely about this subject.

Honestly, my initial reaction is to recoil, because I've had a few health issues on the genital region in the past, one of them was prostatitis, and more recently a couple of infections. So I wonder about how dangerous it could be to "mess around" with that, which is how I've heard they do it. Maybe I'm just ignorant, but I heard that they orgasm without ejaculating? Or am I mistaking this for something else? I guess I need to read up on it

I mean, don't get me wrong, it sounds awesome  have you tried any of this? It seems like a really cool thing to dive into, but I admit that I'm scared due to the health thing.

[Gili Trawangan]

@SilentTears Sorry, forgot to quote you, and can't seem to be able to edit my post...

[Gili Trawangan]

Monday and Tuesday were a struggle, but yesterday and today morning I really hit my stride on one of the music themes, the only one with no vocals so far. All I had was a melody line for the cello and a drum loop that I had used on top of it. It was in F minor, and I couldn't find any sound to put on top, so I transposed it to E minor, which is a more common chord, and started to add guitar loops. They sounded good, then I started to add brass loops, and all of a sudden the sound was getting big. Today I polished it all up and it sounds quite good, actually. Not much mixing will be needed, when you use the sounds from the Digital Audio Workstation, the levels are pretty much good from the get go. In two days a new track is practically finished, and I'm quite happy with it.

[SilentTears]

Oh hey @Gili Trawangan, I'll be honest. I don't know much about this at all. I've just slightly dabbled in it and got some good results so I wanted to share. 

I'm not sure how your previous conditions are effecting the energy. I would have to research into that. Who knows? Maybe this is just the universe hinting at something to you from another person. 

I'm sure the answer will come to you. A lot of times if you just shoot out a question within a day or two you will get your answer from places you never expected. 

Good luck on your path. If I come up with anything I'll be sure to share. 

Edit: lol, yeah you can orgasm without ejaculating. Ive had the honors of having the experience hahaha. What I find really interesting and great is that when you don't ejaculate after having an orgasm you feel so alive and full of energy. 

There are different paths you can take with this. some learn about this for greater pleasure, creativity, knowledge or consciousness. Whatever suits you I would say apply it to that field. Work this in a way that you most benefit. 

Edited March 20, 2020 by SilentTears

[Gili Trawangan]

@SilentTears Thanks man, appreciate it. Good luck to you too!

[Gili Trawangan]

I seem to be getting into a very productive routine. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I mostly work on the music, and it has been great lately. I have only two classes during the week, on Tuesday and Thursday, so there's plenty of time to work on music without any pressure. So far, Thursdays seem to be less productive, for some reason, and then Friday I plan lessons for the weekend and the weekend is for teaching. But I'm very happy with this routine because it's generating results.

The songwriting phase for the EP is nearly finished. I have five songs pretty much finished. The last one I was working on this week, and am still working on it. I found myself reverting back to my old perfectionist ways today, thinking I needed to have a perfect orchestral ending to the song, and then noticed what I was doing and that it goes against what I currently want. First of all, it's a feel-good pop song, so it doesn't need to hit musical complexity and perfection. Second of all, I wasn't even noticing that it already sounds good as it is... it needs tweaking, but not nearly as much as I thought when I was in that perfectionist mind state. I don't want these songs to sound perfect, I want them to sound good. I want them to celebrate life.

So far, the songwriting phase has been extremely enjoyable. It's a lot of fun, building the puzzle of the songs and watching them grow into full musical pieces. I hope I'll have just as much fun with recording and mixing, but there's a lot to learn about both of those. With songwriting I had experience and I have a natural act for it, can't really say the same about recording or mixing. But also, I don't want to have any limiting beliefs about it, if I set my mind to it I can learn and enjoy myself in the process.

[Gili Trawangan]

I consider the songwriting phase to be over. Initially I was thinking of six songs, but finally settled on five. The EP should have 15 minutes of music. I've listened to all of them as they are, and there is one song which concerns me, because it doesn't sound good yet. I'm wondering if I'll be able to save it in the mix, so far it sounds dry and boring. I was thinking of going back to work on it and mess around with the arrangement, but something is telling me to stop for now. I feel like I need a new challenge, I need to do something different. The mind is tired of arranging, intuition is telling me to move on.

Phase two will be recording. By recording I mean not only recording acoustic guitars and vocals, but also finding the perfect sounds for MIDI instruments that may not be ideal as they are. I'm mostly thinking of bass sounds, and a couple more instruments that I didn't bother to find the right sound for, I just found a sound that was good enough for songwriting purposes. In many cases though, I already have the perfect sound, so I don't think it will be too much work. Still, for actual recording I need to learn about mic placement, and experiment with it. Also, there is so much noise here... as I write this, the neighbor is putting on one of his habitual performances, when he blasts the entire street with his loud speakers and sings Vietnamese music to his heart's content. So I'll have certain time windows that allow for recording...

I give myself the month of April to do this, because there will be other things on my plate. There's regular teaching, there is solving the visa/work permit situation, and there is additional online work for a little extra money at this time.

Anyway, very happy that I met the songwriting deadline. As the songs were being written, I was getting excited about them. Now that I've heard them dozens of times, I don't know what to think, sometimes I think they're good, sometimes not so much... we'll see.

[Gili Trawangan]

I've just heard all songs again, in the planned order for the EP. Indeed, that song I was concerned about needs work on the arrangement, the others I consider to be finished, barring a few tweaks that will become obvious once the mixing stage has started.

There isn't an obvious style to the EP, but that's what I was going for anyway. I wanted to experiment with different sounds and styles. It should still make sense in the end, if it's mixed and mastered properly.

Got an email from the language centre saying that we might have to start teaching from home. Vietnam now has 153 cases of coronavirus, but the government seems to be treating the threat with extreme precaution. More and more public spaces are being ordered to close down.

[Gili Trawangan]

Yesterday and today I worked on the final arrangement. It turns out I still have plenty of fire in me to do this, it doesn't even feel like work, I'm just enjoying the whole process. This is what I imagined it to be many years ago, when I heard people say "follow your passion" and "work doesn't feel like work if you enjoy it". It's true, it's amazing. Of course, more amazing would be to actually earn some income from it, but I'm not complaining. It's a dream, I remember wishing I could make music on my own, without having to resort to musicians who could help out on their spare time. It always felt like a waste, if only I could just manifest the sound I wanted... and a few years later, here we are. I dreamed it, I got it.

[Gili Trawangan]

Extremely sensitive lately... don't know how to explain it, it's like there's fear in the body. I would say it's a sort of subconscious thought "it can't be this good", or "sooner or later the other shoe will drop", and the body just doesn't seem to be able to relax.

Watched the movie "The Green Mile" today, and cried my eyes out. There was a recognition of Love, and a release of emotion. If I knew anything about chakras, I would say that my heart chakra is more open now, as opposed to before the awakening to Love, when it was closed. Not sure how to cope with all of this, just letting it happen at the moment. Not sure there's anything else that can be done.

[Gili Trawangan]

Today I went to the tax office to file taxes for 2019, not knowing what to expect. On the one hand, it was the deadline, so I thought it would be full. On the other hand, coronavirus... it turned out to be neither empty nor full. I asked around and found someone who spoke English. At first, she said I was missing some documents and had to pay extra. I thought it would be a pain in the ass, all the docs were in Vietnamese, so I just asked her if I could fill them out on the spot. She hesitated but agreed to help me, and in the end she took the documents to someone else and they filled out the hard one for me, while translating the other ones so I knew how to fill them out. And they also did the math, and I actually have money to receive, not pay. That was awesome, what a surprise! And very welcomed in these times of uncertainty and economic downturn. I handed in every document and came back home to work on some music, happy about that really unexpected surprise.

So songwriting was the rest of the day, and I seem to have finished the final arrangement. March turned out to be a very productive month, and I like how setting a deadline for the songwriting stage worked: I met the deadline and am quite happy with the results, there seem to be some good songs in there.

Next up, recording. I've just ordered some new guitar strings online, and will soon start playing around with mic placement and trying some vocals. Probably I'll do some research first, get some tips before I get started. Also, I need to start singing every day to get the voice muscles active. There's a song that requires my highest notes, and another song that requires my lowest. For the one with the lowest notes, I've come up with a plan: drinking the day before. It always works, the voice gets much deeper... it should probably be the last one to be recorded.

[SilentTears]

Glad everything worked out 

[Gili Trawangan]

@SilentTears Thanks! 

 

Yesterday I attempted to record vocals for the first time. They sounded just awful... one thing I'm not sure of is what sort of quality should I expect before adding plugins and effects. They sounded really soft and were completely drowned out by the rest of the instruments.

And today I attended a webinar about mixing, what an overload of information... it seems extremely complicated to get it right... on the other hand, the people who give these webinars are trying to sell their mixing courses, so what else would they say? That it's easy to do it yourself? So I won't know until I've tried it. I don't want to get fooled into paying for courses before I even try to figure it out on my own. Will give it a go, for sure. It will be a cool learning experience. If I really feel like it's too hard and I'm getting nowhere, will then consider joining some kind of course.

[Gili Trawangan]

Another recording session. Got a couple of takes for each song, this time at the right level of gain. Did some research beforehand. It turns out that it's supposed to sound sort of quiet, then the level for the other instruments needs to be adjusted and brought down. I'll do another session tonight or tomorrow and get some more takes, there isn't enough to make a good one yet.

The mind is getting overwhelmed, it feels like I'm in over my head with this. Will do some meditation and relax, it's only agitation.

[Gili Trawangan]

Another recording session today, it was a bit rushed but I seem to have enough for one good take for each song.

Next, when the mind is clearer and with fresh ears, will hear the vocal tracks again and find any mistakes that need to be fixed.

There's a lot of anxiety in the midst of this process, it feels messy and the mind gets messy as well... sometimes I'm able to let go and laugh it off.

[Gili Trawangan]

The part of me that is focused is in charge at the moment. It is very clear what needs to be done and what I want. I was put here to make music. I thank God/Reality for my entire journey so far and for showing me Truth. I’m so grateful that I’m unable to really describe or feel it properly. However, “when you get the message, hang up the phone”. This is the plane of reality where I’ve been put. I was given a human body with certain conditionings and gifts. The biggest earthly gift of them all is the ability to make music. Plus, and just as important, it’s what I’m drawn towards at the moment. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. It excites me and it challenges me, and it’s mysterious and wonderful.

Also, I want to manifest a life where I connect and share with others. My path has been solitary so far, and it might continue to be for a while, but what I want to manifest is a reality where I am able to connect with others on a level that I enjoy. I want to make music, share it with others and build a niche audience that’s big enough to provide connection and perhaps income. This is what I want to manifest. To make beautiful music, have others enjoy it and get some connection with that audience and some income that allows me to travel anywhere. That is the path within this beautiful dream. That being said, I will be fine if none of this is materialized. God is Good, the world is amazing and I accept God’s Will.

I don’t want to live in fear. Fear of death, fear of losing. I want to be thrilled with life, to feel alive and connected and grateful and joyous. And I want to serve God’s purpose. Consciously if possible. I Love, even when it doesn’t seem that way. Love.

[Gili Trawangan]

Completely overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much to be done, and I know so little, it feels stressful. I'm stuck on trying to get good sounding vocals, but there's so much that goes into making them sound professional... too much to learn, and not enough of a peaceful mind at the moment. Luckily I teach all day tomorrow, so will have a break from all of this.

It feels like I'm really far from having proper sounding songs. And I do some research and it's a whole world of information out there, and it's just too much to handle right now...

[Gili Trawangan]

Even though I'd decided to focus exclusively on recording this month, I couldn't help myself and started mixing the first song. I had to find out if I had good vocal recordings, good enough to sit well in the mix. The only way to do that is by actually mixing, using compressors and EQ and stuff that I knew nothing about only a week ago. I've been working on it many hours a day, it's like time disappears, and today I felt happy about my first mix. I was able to bring in the vocals forward, there were a lot of mistakes along the way, but I learned a lot.

And now I know that I have the material to get good mixes, so there's peace of mind and I can record the acoustic guitar parts soon. There's a few more things to prepare, like choosing a few different sounds, and then I can start mixing the rest of the songs. It might be faster than I thought, if I keep working as hard as I've been lately.

It feels fantastic to feel such passion for something.

[Gili Trawangan]

It's like every day a new world of possibilities opens up. Today I found out how you can divide a drum loop track by copying it, making three different audio tracks, and then with EQ mix the individual parts (drum kick is the low end, snare in the middle and high hats and crashes the high end), giving reverb to the snare and not the kick, for example. It's a way of having more control over the drums mixing. There's a lot of ways one can screw up the mix by doing this wrong, I've only just tried it for the first time and saw how it's possible but it didn't sound good.

I'm really not sure if I'm being too much of a perfectionist, considering this is my first song mix. A part of me wants to get it over with, because it already sounds pretty good, but another part of me wants to experiment and learn as much as possible before moving on to other things. Anything I learn at this point will help me with future mixes, it's not like I'm wasting my time. There is on the other hand an overload of information, but I guess the whole thing is a balance act that also needs to be learned along the way. It's only been eight days since the beginning of April and I've learned a whole new language: frequencies, reverbs and delays, compression, attack, release, gain staging and God knows what else, it's still a mess that the brain is trying to assimilate.

But the process continues to be very enjoyable. And it has made clear that I currently have everything I need to make professional sounding music. There is no additional gear needed, just more know-how and experience. Back to work.

[Gili Trawangan]

I've completed a first song mix that I would be happy with if it were final, aside from very small tweaks needed. The balance sounds nice, the last thing I worked on yesterday was the bass, and today I heard it again and it sounds well balanced to me. On the other hand, I decided to order some 10$ laptop speakers just to have a different system to listen with, even though it's a bad one. I don't feel like buying real studio monitors because they're expensive but even more so because they're very heavy. I don't like having heavy possessions. A thought that makes me feel good is that I could take everything I own with me if I wanted to travel or move somewhere, and it would take me half an hour to pack. From all of the music gear, I would only have to leave behind the microphone screen, which wouldn't be much of a loss anyway. Everything else is not heavy at all, and only the MIDI keyboard would present a slight challenge because of the length, though it's really light. So no studio monitors for me, just these very nice headphones and crappy little laptop speakers for a different listen.

And I'll now start working on the other songs. I lost my guitar pick somehow, it must still be in the bedroom though I can't find it, so I ordered another one together with the speakers. Last week I replaced the guitar strings, and once the pick arrives and I practice playing with it for a bit I can start recording guitars. If all goes well, one recording session should be enough. Then I'll be ready to start working on mixing the other songs. Feeling excited, it feels like I can make something nice out of all of this.