No leg to stand on

[Gili Trawangan]

A few days ago the American girl I hooked up with in Phu Quoc asked me about gonorrhea. Turns out she has it. I had a health check at the hospital last week and had blood in my urine, but everything else was normal. I went to the hospital and asked to get checked again and the doctor, after telling me that they would test me for everything (including STDs), only tested for common bacteria and it came out normal. What a moron. Today I went to a clinic and tested for STDs and I have gonorrhea. It's the second STD within a three-month period, I had sex without a condom ONCE a few months ago and got chlamydia. Now I'm clean for chlamydia and HIV but have gonorrhea. Started treatment today with a quite painful injection. Holy shit, Vietnam is no joke, even wearing condoms the whole time I get sexually transmitted diseases.

So I had to text two different girls today telling them that they need to get tested, besides the American girl. One reacted well, the other one not so much. My ego was trying to get me out of telling the truth, but they were just thoughts, I knew that this had to be done. I'll probably never see them again, and I quite like them.

So now, no sex for a week until I get clean. And hopefully I can get clean of guilt as well, there is some of it here, even though I see how I couldn't have done things differently. There was no ill will, but there is still a bad feeling here. And, not gonna lie, relief that it's not HIV and that it's something easily treatable.

[Everyday]

8 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

It's the second STD within a three-month period, I had sex without a condom ONCE a few months ago and got chlamydia.

Sorry to hear this. Hope you get better.

[Gili Trawangan]

11 hours ago, Everyday said:

Sorry to hear this. Hope you get better.

@Everyday Thanks a lot, I appreciate the sentiment.

Luckily it's nothing serious.

[Gili Trawangan]

Yesterday someone on the forum posted a video of David Deida talking to a guy about his purpose. The guy had got a calling from his higher self that he was supposed to be planting trees but hadn't done it yet out of comfort and laziness. The talk between them immediately lit a fire in me, I've been lazy and comfortable. Dealing with the new music software creates anxiety and I decide not to face it, I just go do something else.

Well, not yesterday and not today. Yesterday I got a drum track, sang over it and all of a sudden had a new tune in my hands which sounded quite nice. Today I wrote a first bass line, and worked on the rest of the drums. By the end of the day, I was fed up with the tune, but hopefully it's just the effect of hearing it all day. The song needs a good arrangement to work, but I like the melody, it could be good.

Plus, in the morning I was ecstatic and overflowing with love. After going to the gym, all was love. I meditated and couldn't stop smiling. For a while there it was just presence, no identity, just the feelings of love. Love for what? Just love. For existence, maybe. I wrote a list of things I'm grateful for and it was a long one. I feel lucky to be alive and to be living this character's life.

[Gili Trawangan]

Today I went to one my schools' head office. I had to deliver some documents needed for my work permit, and also sign a new part-time contract with them. I took care of the documents first, and then someone else from the staff came to see me about signing the new contract. A gorgeous girl, as it turns out. I noticed but didn't react, I was only focused on the contract and in asking why the salary stays the same, when it's quite clear to me that inflation in Vietnam is rising, prices have gone up pretty much everywhere after Lunar New Year. She told me I need to talk to my academic manager, I signed the contract, no big deal.

Then, before I knew what had happened, she was asking me all sorts of personal questions. It took me a while to figure out that she was flirting with me. Gradually I started to flirt back, and we had a long chat about all sorts of things, even went into overthinking and meditation (she didn't know what meditation was). She made it a point of saying, after mentioning her family, that she wasn't married, she was talking about her parents. In the end, I told her I wanted to grab a coffee with her another time, and asked if she thought that was inappropriate. We were not alone, there was more staff around us. She said it was fine with her, gave me her number and we said our goodbyes.

I don't know what it is, but girls are just very attracted to me lately. It can't just be my energy, because today I was quite out of it. My looks? Partly, sure, being white in Vietnam is an immediate status boost. But that doesn't quite explain it, it's more than that. It doesn't really matter, I just find it fascinating. A guy who grew up being shit with girls reaches a stage where beautiful women are just naturally drawn to him. Life has some unexpected twists and turns.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Gili Trawangan

[Gili Trawangan]

In the afternoon, a tremendous surge of anxiety and too much energy in the body. I feel like two coffees a day might be too much at the moment. There were moments of angst and trouble letting go.

Worked on the new song, saved a first guitar track as a guideline for the arrangement. Everything is very confusing at the moment, my mind is a mess and so are the songs, with the exception of one which is practically finished.

Plus I don't really know what I want to say, no ideas for new lyrics so far. I feel that I need to get back to work at the school, hopefully they will reopen soon. If I teach and spend time with students, I will forget myself during those moments and the mind might lay off.

[Gili Trawangan]

Yesterday, already in bed, the first part of the lyrics for the new song just came to me. Everything I write these days seems to be about enlightenment, there's nothing I can do, it is what it is.

Just now, I had to go to the Department of Justice to try to get a police check for my work permit. I have to come back tomorrow. On the way out, as I was walking, I saw a sexy girl walking on the street, which is actually uncommon in Saigon. She didn't look Vietnamese though, but Asian for sure.

I wanted to approach her but got cold feet. She kept walking and I just walked in the same general direction, until my mind was made up. My first cold approach in months. She was quite cute, a Japanese girl on holiday for three days in Saigon. We chatted, her English wasn't good though. After a few minutes I decided to leave without getting a number. I can't have sex for the next few days, so it's best not to put myself in that position. Plus she didn't give me any signals, it was just a pleasant chat.

I was happy I did it though, the mind tends to come up with excuses and it has to be overridden.

[Gili Trawangan]

I was sitting here in front of the computer working on my new song. Some details were falling into place, like the bridge right before the chorus, which I'm quite happy with. I felt hungry and opened up a food delivery app here in Saigon, ordered a cup of strawberries and mango with yoghurt for the equivalent of 1.5 euros. Including delivery. Earlier, a friend texted about meeting up tonight to play some pool, and the Czech girl I met in Phu Quoc who's in a relationship texted me about grabbing a beer when she comes to Saigon this weekend. I haven't taught since Sunday.

As this was happening, I had a thought, it hit me: this is exactly the life I wanted five years ago. It has been actualized. That's self-actualization, it's actualizing the life that you want. I have everything I could possibly ask for, I'm so lucky... life is just so different from what I expected it to be when I was younger, definitely for the better. And there is nothing inside me that wants to stop doing anything, I have dreams and things I want to accomplish, and there is a lot yet to grow, after all this is infinity. But paradise is here Now. I'm already in paradise. Thank You.

[Applegarden]

Just now, Gili Trawangan said:

As this was happening, I had a thought, it hit me: this is exactly the life I wanted five years ago. It has been actualized. 

I found that this is my experience also, most of what i have consistently dreamt of has happened even with the negative enviroment. Life is sentient, it listens to you, if you self-improve, everything just accelerated untill you become the tree of wishes for everybody around you.

[Gili Trawangan]

16 hours ago, Applegarden said:

I found that this is my experience also, most of what i have consistently dreamt of has happened even with the negative enviroment. Life is sentient, it listens to you, if you self-improve, everything just accelerated untill you become the tree of wishes for everybody around you.

@Applegarden Yes, but so far it's still quite surprising for me  of course in the best of ways.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by becoming the tree of wishes though... 

 

[Gili Trawangan]

Yesterday evening, in bed, while kind of meditating and after being connected with Love for quite a long time (no words can describe), a new tune came to mind, it happened really fast, like a direct download from Source. But I couldn't remember all of it, just found the chords on the guitar and recorded the voice melody on my phone so I wouldn't forget. The arrangement, which had come to mind as well, is gone, can't remember. Will have to figure something else out.

Today I heard the song I mostly worked on this week and, even though I like the arrangement and the tune, sound quality is awful and it brought down my mood. I don't know what I'm doing with the sounds, there are 6,000 presets on my MIDI keyboard alone, it's insane. Feels overwhelming to navigate that list. The bass line is good but it's not the right bass, the guitars sound pretty bad, and I can't find the proper sound to set the mood in the chorus.

In the meantime, watched a video on YouTube and a guy there had some good advice on dividing up tasks. I should only focus on writing songs for the time being. No worries about recording it nicely or mixing. After the songs are structured and the arrangements mostly finished I can then focus on recording and getting the best possible performance. Then the mixing and finally the mastering, both of which I will be learning how to do from scratch. Unless I gather up the nerve to outsource it to someone else.

Lots of work ahead, but I guess it's not as overwhelming once it's divided into stages. So, for now, stage 1: songwriting. I'll devote this next month of March to stage 1 only.

[Gili Trawangan]

Tonight I met up with the Czech girl for a few beers, and at a certain point I was spewing nonduality to her. I could see how it was going over her head, but just kept going. And some of it was just bullshit that I wasn't even conscious of, was just mouthing off.

I guess I needed to get it out of my system. Or maybe I was bored by the regular chit-chat... 

[Gili Trawangan]

Hungover today because of the silly meet-up yesterday, which I regret today.

Still, an incredible day. My hangover days used to be very depressive, and now there's nothing of the sort, just the mental haze. But the mood was great all day. I mentally wished not to have to work in the evening, and I had also wished earlier to get two new classes on my schedule in order to establish the ideal income. I got a text saying that my class today was cancelled and I was offered two new classes. Incredible how the universe continues to help despite last night's silliness.

On top of that, I had a very productive songwriting day. Improved the structure on one song, completed the arrangement of the first song, and it sounded fantastic to me, plus wrote more of another song and got the theme for the lyrics, on top of a nice bridge. And I had loads of fun doing all of this, was having a blast. The EP is beginning to have a shape, it's happening.

Feeling blessed, thankful, connected, and still hungover.

[Gili Trawangan]

An entire day pretty much wasted. Went to the gym in the morning, the workout was good, but then was overwhelmed with lethargy the rest of the day. My class was canceled, not sure if that had anything to do with it. Very low vibration, no inspiration to do anything.

[SilentTears]

On 3/2/2020 at 4:22 AM, Gili Trawangan said:

I got a text saying that my class today was cancelled and I was offered two new classes. Incredible how the universe continues to help despite last night's silliness.

I notice the same things happening for myself. I would or could ask for something and then I'm magically guided to it or it falls into my lap. I'm exermenting with emotions. How when I feel certain emotions it attracts certain situations. When I experience emotions I kinda get this feeling where I can fall deep into them. Like understand and attract what's a vibrational match to those situations. 

Also, I remember you from Mandy's teaching thread.  

Keep up the good work, your doing great!

 

[Gili Trawangan]

4 hours ago, SilentTears said:

I notice the same things happening for myself. I would or could ask for something and then I'm magically guided to it or it falls into my lap. I'm exermenting with emotions. How when I feel certain emotions it attracts certain situations. When I experience emotions I kinda get this feeling where I can fall deep into them. Like understand and attract what's a vibrational match to those situations. 

Also, I remember you from Mandy's teaching thread.  

Keep up the good work, your doing great!

 

@SilentTears Yeah, it never ceases to amaze 

Cheers, appreciate the comment!

[Gili Trawangan]

Third cancelled class this week, schools still closed because of the coronavirus. Hopefully I'll be able to at least keep enough online classes to pay the bills and make my stay worthwhile. It should work out.

At least I've been taking advantage of the free time, I got another new track yesterday that came from a cello melody, then added some drums and there's something there to get started. Plus I found some clever (or outlandish, don't know) arrangements for some of the other songs, including the use of some electric guitar loops that I hadn't discovered yet. Also started to use brass and strings, so there's a trumpet somewhere, a cello, a violin... it's shaping up. There's about six tracks so far, one completely finished. The others are at different levels of progress, most of them are half way through.

Next week I want to sit down and really work hard on finishing them. It feels like for most of them a stroke of inspiration is no longer required, the overall mood has been set. It's just about doing the leg work and completing the puzzles. It's a different kind of fun.

[Gili Trawangan]

Magic. There's this song I was having trouble with, there seem to be too many tracks. I'm on 14 now, mostly because I have four just for the acoustic guitars, although these should turn into two once I start recording for real. But today I worked on the bridge after the first chorus and first found a really nice guitar loop that fit perfectly with the main guitar theme. I was really surprised, it sounded great, plus I already knew what the arpeggio was going to be, just needed to find the right sound for it. I searched around for a long time and ended up putting two of them together. But when I added the strings it just took the whole thing to another level, it actually became beautiful... I don't know what happened, it feels like magic. Everything had been so confusing up to that point, how did it just blend so perfectly together?

It's hard to explain or describe, it just feels like magic. I absolutely love this feeling, it's music being put together God knows through what mechanism. I certainly don't understand it, just watching it happen.

Of course, not all is perfect, the chorus is far from that level of perfect blend, and I might have to make peace with not getting this lucky all the time, but when something like this happens it just stirs up a lot of excitement and joy.

[Gili Trawangan]

I got an unexpected call from a good friend today and it energized me. He's about to have his first kid, was in the hospital and decided to call me for a chat. I notice how this element is lacking in my life, friendship and connection. I spend most of my days in solitude, and it's not because of the coronavirus outbreak, here in Vietnam people still go outside and aside from schools remaining closed and all the precautions being enforced by government, things seem pretty normal.

No, it's not the virus, it's my own choices. It's a kind of conditioning that I have not transcended. Solitude began very early for me in life; having three older brothers who played together and always left me out, together with a long period of both parents being absent (for different reasons). It just became rather normal for me, spending most of my time in solitude. I suspect that this pattern is also what prevents me from having an intimate relationship with a woman besides sex, together with my trust issues.

The thing is that all this solitude takes away from quality of life. Yes, I have times when I'm extremely happy and connected to Source, but other times the mind is very agitated and even meditation doesn't seem to make it any better. I think that having some conversations with friends that I know and trust is something that is missing, but at the same time I don't really know what to do to change this.

This past week has been terrible in terms of being productive with music. I can't seem to find the head space to be able to create, there's too much mind chatter and agitation, nothing sounds good, there is an aggressive energy inside that turns into judgment and anger. And sexual compulsion. I almost looked at porn yesterday, after two whole months of abstinence from it. I feel like I need to abstain from masturbation as well, but that's a tall order to fill, with all of this solitude and mind agitation.

I need to accept that the process of making this project come to life is not always going to be pretty. There's struggle here as well, there is resistance, there's all kinds of emotions. And it still feels as if there's an 'I' that can somehow learn to control them, and perhaps this is the belief that needs to be let go of. Sometimes it is, but then sometimes it comes back. Mindfuckery.

Edited March 17, 2020 by Gili Trawangan

[SilentTears]

19 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

The thing is that all this solitude takes away from quality of life. Yes, I have times when I'm extremely happy and connected to Source, but other times the mind is very agitated and even meditation doesn't seem to make it any better. I think that having some conversations with friends that I know and trust is something that is missing, but at the same time I don't really know what to do to change this.

I feel this. I've experienced this deeply myself. I think this is what quite a few people on this path go through. I wish you the best no matter which path you chose to take to solve this. Know that I for one unconditionally love you for who you are . 

19 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Mindfuckery

Right?! Trying to rationalize these insights always takes my mind for a ride.

also, about the whole sexual compulsion thing. Have you ever tried looking into tantra or cultivating the energy? An example would be channeling your sexual energy through visualization, body movement and clenching of the PC muscle to move your Creative energy(sexual energy) to different parts of your body. Heart chakra to experience bliss and ecstasy or third eye for creative insights into your work. 

I've been informed by some spiritual practitioners on how once they started this they were able to use this energy to actualize their dreams, such as writing books with this energy or creating communities that help benefit mindkind through the use of this energy. 

P.S seems like some people use all that to have better sex too. So if your into that then have fun