The ego sabotaging liberation

[Skin-encapsulatedego]

Hello Seekers,

Marking my first post on this forum, I share some recent experiences.  This is a long post.  I assure that you will likely find it to be worth the read by the end.  I divide it into 8 sections.

1.       Background context

2.       Ayahuasca: healing and insights into non-duality

3.       Being allured by the devil, choosing to invite him in.

4.       Final realizations

5.       Current situation, Reflections, and Speculations

6.       Acknowledgements

7.       Plan for redemption

8.       Note to the reader

 

1.       Background context (quickly)

 

21 year old male.  Relatively early on in spiritual development.  I have followed Leo increasingly over the past three years.  In the past 4-6 months the seeker within me has grown significantly.  I have consumed many of Leo’s videos and read many of your posts here on the forum.  I have commenced with reading the booklist and have sought out larger perspectives and concepts.  Over the past three years I have experienced a wide variety of psychedelics (to quickly list them: 5 MEO DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, Psilocybin, LSD, Ketamine, 2CB, 2CE, etc.).  Apart from a temporary full awakening experience (non-dual God realization) very early on (while on 5 MEO), I have not had an enormous amount of personal transformation.  My transformation has only start to begin recently, when the seeker within me grew significantly stronger, leading me to start other practices.  My awareness and quality of life has significantly improved since commencing Kriya Yoga practice 10 weeks ago.  Finally, I bring your attention to my PMO addiction issue, which has plagued my life for quite some time.  I have realized elimination of this would be for the best but have failed to do so.

 

2.       Ayahuasca: healing and insights into non-duality

 

Now to current events.  I just had the opportunity to spend a week in the Netherlands (NL).  With friends (also spiritual seekers), we planned to trip on psychedelics during this week (in the correct setting: alone, in darkness).  First up was Ayahuasca.  For this I put decent days of preparation in, regarding diet, and abstaining from drugs and masturbation.  My intentions before I began the trip were: 1. Address my PMO addiction 2. Contemplation of non-duality and attaining insights. 

 

This turned out to be the most healing and directly insightful trip of my life.  I had several insights through direct experience.  The biggest one being that the entire point of life is for God to re-remember itself during the unfolding of life.  In addition, we are the creators of our lives, directly choosing what manifests in the world.  These insights were beyond mind-blowing, and contemplation of their implications across numerous domains yielded extreme results.  I realized the insight of I AM.  I AM all that is or could be.  I was overcome with Self-Realization.  My heart burst with passion and unconditional love.  I felt equivalent to the poems of Rumi, the clearest articulation of pure devotion to the world.  Following this, I went into 20 mins of cosmic body orgasm, cleansing me totally, and of my dysfunctional sexual energy buildup.

 

The next morning, I felt positively transformed but immediately felt ego backlash come on.  The ego wanted its’ desires satisfied, and now.  The day after this, I drank Ayahuasca again, knowing that I could contemplate my new insights even further.  I ascended to a minorly high state of consciousness, allowing further contemplation of my new insight, resulting in basking in Self-Love.  However, the brew turned out far weaker this time around, leading to a largely underwhelming trip. 

 

3.       Being allured by the devil. Inviting him in.

 

Following the second Ayahuasca trip, everything was still going fine.  I was in touch with my newly-realized Love and could emanate this.  I felt more authentic in my interactions.  Though, it felt the ego backlash was still present.

 

This period was quite pleasant until I really fucked up.  I was trying to take a nap the day after the second Ayahuasca trip.  I rationalized to myself to fap to porn to assist me in falling asleep (being recently so immersed in the Absolute, I made the mistake of thinking I could do anything in the relative).  I proceeded to follow through with my plan.  I thought nothing of it.  Though a deep part of me certainly knew what I did was wrong. 

 

Another planned trip was 5MEO during my time in NL.  So, thinking nothing of it, I proceeded to do c. 22mg intranasally 30 mins after my fap.   What followed was the most terrifying ordeal of my life.  Tying in with my realization of the mechanics of Self-Creation on the first Ayahuasca trip, I realized I had just sold my soul to the devil through my fap 30 mins prior.  Having been at a place of higher awareness than I ever have been before due to the first Ayahuasca trip, the fact that I traded this for simple pleasure was agonizing.  The ignorance and impurity of what I had done shot me right through the deepest part of my soul.  I had let the Devil in through the simplest of rationalizations.  Though, despite the Devil working through deception, I chose it.  This was what made the experience so entirely unbearable.  I instantly understood the imagery of those in Dante’s circles of Hell, damned there for eternity for losing themselves to lust and pleasure.  I understood it so well because this was where my soul now resided.  I immediately recognized the implications of this for every aspect of my life.  I was deeply broken in the deepest sense.  I was no longer the same person.  My soul was not mine anymore.  I was filled with impurity to my core.  It appeared I was eternally damned.  Suicide was likely what was in store for me, as I could not take the agony of my own ignorance.  I pictured myself as Nietzche, having gone mad, through peering too far into the abyss and not re-emerging.  In the deepest sense I now understood the following two quotes (Jung’s quote of the soul reaching all the way to hell was agonizing apparent):

 

“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either -- but right through every human heart -- and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained.”

Alexander Solzhenitsyn

 

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

Carl Jung

I slowly exited the trip, the suffering still deep in my soul.  To shift from Unconditional Love to this state within 48 hours was unthinkable.  Since, this pain has largely remained.  I am merely trying to fend it off.  I know that the more it affects me, the more power the Devil / Weticko (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJCJSwWyE8) has over me.

 

4.       Final realizations (48 hours later)

To mark the last day of my trip in NL, my friends and I took MDMA.  When it hit, I became acutely aware of the evil spirits in my soul.  The feeling was sickening.  Naturally, I screamed in agony for 15 mins, to try to purge myself of the evil spirits.  However, this effort was futile.  The spirits were too strongly entrenched in my soul.  I did realize the similarity of my situation to Jung’s descent into madness during his time of writing the Red Book.  Also, the descent of Shamans into the underworld during their training.  The successful Shamans were the ones to emerge again.  I also understood Jung stance on psychedelics: being dangerous if too much of the collective psyche gets into an individual’s personal unconscious (this was now the case for me).  I realized I would have to return to the depths of hell to defeat this evil.  I was reminded of when Jesus was tempted by the Devil in the desert.  I was no Jesus, I failed the test.

 

5.       Current Situation, Reflections, Speculations

It is now 48 hours after I have returned from NL.  I am under more distress than I ever been in my life.  I am due to start a new internship tomorrow and am highly doubtful as to it turning out well.  I am not in my normal state of mind.  Functioning properly will be very difficult.

 

My soul feels fragmented.  I have certainly been corrupted by the Devil / Weticko.  Though, I am unsure if energy-feeding beings have also attached themselves to me.  This very well might be the case. See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9PC4V_IWtg.  I fear I may have to go through the process of Shamanistic healing known as Soul Retrieval.  It feels like my personal power have certainly diminished.

 

Despite this hardship and loss of control, my will is strong.  I am not going down with this parasite I have invited into myself.  I will face it and come out better the other side.  I speculate that I have accumulated a lot of bad Karma because of my impure action (especially at heightened state of awareness), and I am storing this in my mental and energetic bodies.

 

My plan for resolution is to drink Ayahuasca again in NL within one week and face the parasite.  I know I must accept the evil in my soul if I am to return to non-duality.  However, I hear if it is an entity feeding off me, it should be banished (see the video linked above).  So, the contradiction of accepting the evil vs banishing it has me slightly confused.  In any case, I feel from my depths that I can resolve this.  I now know how evil (the ego) was running me and no longer want any part in it.  The Absolute Good is stronger than the ego in me.  Though, I must address the issue before losing hope or becoming weaker.

 

6.       Acknowledgments

-          This entire issue is self-created.  I chose to invite the Devil into my soul because of my own actions.  If I had simply addressed my impurity beforehand, none of this would have occurred.

-          Good / Evil exist in duality.  Non-Duality is Truth.  However, evil certainly exists subjectively in the collective psyche, and now my personal psyche.  I feel this must be resolved before I return to Non-Duality.

-          My recklessness and arrogance in my psychedelic usage.  Beware of ego backlash on this journey!  In future, I will have far greater respect for their usage.

-          Many people would now consider me to be insane if I were to explain the source of my suffering.  I would likely be labelled with some sort of psychiatric disorder.

 

7.       Plan for Redemption

I have mentioned my plan to drink Ayahuasca again in NL within a week.  Until then, I must bear my suffering.  I will lower the intensity of my Kriya Yoga and meditation practices.

 

I also will research information on the topics of: 1. Spiritual Emergencies 2. Religious Symbology of Good + Evil 3. Exorcism / Shamanic Healing 4. Descent and Re-emergence from the underworld/madness.

 

I’ve also contacted a therapist to assist in preventing the PMO issue from ever surfacing again.  I hope they will function as an accountability partner and provide me with CBT.

 

 

8.       Note to the reader

To all of you, I thank you for any input you may have.  I hope this post functions to make you more mindful of your impurities before venturing too far down this path.  I likely won’t be able to respond in-depth, if at all, to your replies until this is resolved.  I will certainly read them though.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Skin-encapsulatedego
Spelling + clarity