Fear in my abdomen

[DrewNows]

In waiting for others to accept me I will never fully be able to accept myself.

Choosing me takes back the power ive given to others, they can simply stay or run away but happiness is no longer dependent  

[Buba]

@Nahm

I am scared to inspect my feelings and thoughts, For two reasons: 1) I believe I can live a happy life repressing and ignoring my homosexuality. Accepting that I have homosexual side, but never inspect it, develop it, and act out on it.

2) I may have little homosexuality but thinking about it a lot and inspecting it may reprogram me being gay.

So you recommend me to be in the now for 24 hours. I am scared to do this, because I think such hardcore being in the now will bring horrible ego backlash or awakening which I will not be able to accept and handle. Can I gradually increase being in the now? Does it mean evolving your brain slowly to avoid intense side effects?

One of my main resistances to homosexuality is because of my dream to marry. I always dreamed to marry, have a family, live in peace, be happy, come home from work, be happy to see my family, to watch TV with my wife, to see my parents playing with my kids.

May be this is not my authentic want, but my parents’. But right now I want it so much. This possibility that I will marry someday a girl and be happy gives me sence of peace. Being gay is the collapse of my world. Being gay is the collapse of me.

[Nahm]

@Buba  If someone judges you, let it be theirs. Truly it is, unless you believe otherwise. My one guy’s vote is you’re already just fine however you are. I feel I understand what you said, but fear is the resistance to self discovery. It’s thinking there is something terrible there, but when you look you find out it’s love. 

There seems to be a lot of concern for what your parents think. How does it matter, in what ways?

You said you feel peace when imaging marrying a female. Then that being gay would be the collapse of me. The “real” you so to speak, is what can not collapse. So maybe there are idea’s of you, which would collapse. If so, what would be the loss, if any? Sort of seems like all you’d lose is the worry, fear, stress, etc, of not being you as you are. Seems like you’d be happier.

[Buba]

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

In waiting for others to accept me I will never fully be able to accept myself.

Choosing me takes back the power ive given to others, they can simply stay or run away but happiness is no longer dependent  

I cant do it. I really try but cant do it.

[Buba]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Buba  If someone judges you, let it be theirs. Truly it is, unless you believe otherwise. My one guy’s vote is you’re already just fine however you are. I feel I understand what you said, but fear is the resistance to self discovery. It’s thinking there is something terrible there, but when you look you find out it’s love. 

I really dont believe I am fine the way I am. I cant help but dont believe it. Even if I accept myself at intellectual level, deep down I dont accept myself. I cant. 

And I exert effort to be in the now, which makes me tired and then thoughts occupy again, then I exert effort again to be in the now.

[Farnaby]

8 minutes ago, Buba said:

@Nahm

I am scared to inspect my feelings and thoughts, For two reasons: 1) I believe I can live a happy life repressing and ignoring my homosexuality. Accepting that I have homosexual side, but never inspect it, develop it, and act out on it.

2) I may have little homosexuality but thinking about it a lot and inspecting it may reprogram me being gay.

So you recommend me to be in the now for 24 hours. I am scared to do this, because I think such hardcore being in the now will bring horrible ego backlash or awakening which I will not be able to accept and handle. Can I gradually increase being in the now? Does it mean evolving your brain slowly to avoid intense side effects?

One of my main resistances to homosexuality is because of my dream to marry. I always dreamed to marry, have a family, live in peace, be happy, come home from work, be happy to see my family, to watch TV with my wife, to see my parents playing with my kids.

May be this is not my authentic want, but my parents’. But right now I want it so much. This possibility that I will marry someday a girl and be happy gives me sence of peace. Being gay is the collapse of my world. Being gay is the collapse of me.

In reality, you're always in the now. The thing for most of us is, we get caught up in our minds, disconnect from our present experience, daydream, etc. But all there is is the present moment. And this is what meditation can help you experience. This doesn't mean you will be able to stay connected to your present moment 24/7, although I think it could be possible, but I don't think that's the goal of all these practices. Small glimpses of a state of being are already very powerful in dissolving suffering. 

I think you had to incorporate lots of beliefs and feelings towards homosexuality in order to survive in your family and culture. No wonder you're scared to experience homosexual fantasies or feelings. For your survival instinct this literally equals death, since we humans need connection to survive and in your case you feel that you could lose that connection if you were gay. Take it easy and find a way (maybe therapy) to experience your fantasies and feelings safely. 

Resistance creates suffering but in your case, you had good reasons to attach to this resistance in the first place. Inspect it and see if you still need to hold on to it. 

[Nahm]

@Buba Yes, you’ve made it clear that your current perspectives are not leading to relief and feeling good. The only question really is how willing you are to consider changing your beliefs and perspectives. Occasionally being right & feeling good match up, in this case they are not. So, you basically have to continue seeing things how you are, or considering it is your chosen perspective which is not aligning with your feelings. 

The beliefs to uncover, inspect, release sound like... “I am not fine the way I am”. “I can’t change the way I’m looking at this” “I can’t accept myself”. 

These are thoughts about an idea of you, while you are just, you. Without the ideas of you, there’d be no caparison to “how you should be” or “how you’re supposed to be”.  It often seems that when we hold a perspective in spite of our own body & feelings telling us it isn’t true, after a while, the tension localizes. It seems this is what’s going on with the abdomen.

[remember]

@Buba who is the inner watcher who’s judging you? 

you see, my inner watcher just wanted to hold me back asking you this question because i was not sure if this might be the wrong approach or actually help you, being afraid i could approach this the wrong way. pride and perfectionism are oftentimes strongly connected to societal norms. but who is the person exactly who imprinted that unto you? might be that this is not even about your sexuality but your fears in general,as you are only one step away from maybe opening your muladhara. maybe chakra work, kriya or meditation could help you. it’s not about your sexuality, it’s about the fears of a machist society that makes a strong difference between male and female. how is your relationship to power in general? if women attract you, what kind of women are they?

Edited January 13, 2020 by remember