How To Be Silent?

[Guest]

Hi!

I have always been in difficult situations because of my excessive tendency to speak and to control the conversation. I can't listen to people and the conversations become artificial, shy and weird. I also exhaust the people who I speak with everyday. In every conversation, after 5 minutes or less, people get tired and bored. 

In school, I always talk in classes. I try to answer every question that teachers ask. I find myself in topics that doesn't have anything to do with me.

I want to be silent and listen to other people. Do you have any suggestions?

[Avi]

I have some really great tools for you to use to listen to other people. I picked these up through comedy improvisation. You have to practice this though. 

1) Stand in front of a mirror and just look at yourself for 5 minutes. Every 30 seconds say a sentence. Doesn't matter what it is. "I really enjoyed the pancakes this morning." Take a 5 second pause. Then next 30 seconds say something else. Repeat over and over again. The goal is to get your brain to take pauses when interacting with someone else. 

2) When in said conversation, repeat what the other people has just said. For example: "Ya! I just came back from India and it was such an amazing experience!"   You: "You just came back from India!? No way, tell me about your experience. I want to hear about it."  Don't repeat everything they say, it will come off as mocking them. Use it sparingly. 

3) Take 2 second pauses in conversations with other people. This might seems weird but actually it isn't. This will also help your brain slow down. 

These are just some of the tools I've picked up. Hope it helps.   

[Rosie]

12 minutes ago, Clunkky said:

Try to stop being so self-absorbed. No one likes to hear someone talk about themselves all day.

I do to think that here is the place to judge each other on any level or give negative comments.
As on my side, I have a pretty similar situations, except somehow when i am in a bigger group surrounded by people who I do not trust or like some way, I tend to become very very very quiet.
I think the best way to do is, that whenever you catch yourself talking 'too much' try to turn around the conversation with a question what really interests you about the situation. Concentrate on listening, Be strong in trying to improve this as much as you can, but also accept yourself for who you are because a lot of people indeed enjoy a chatty, positive person:)

[qt]

When having a conversation think about what you are going to say. Does it actually contribute to the topic of discussion or are you saying something just to say something.

"As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have least wit are the greatest babblers." – Plato

[Guest]

Why do we talk too much?  There can be many different answers, but if we want to gain some self mastery and build confidence then we will be attentive to everything that we do, and in this particular case the subject for attention is talking. 

Is the talking just a continuous output of sound (basically) and we want to be noticed, because deep down there is loneliness, a feeling of need and wanting to belong?  As we speak, we learn the mystery of our inner depths, if we pause to listen attentively, to what is issuing from the complex of conditioned thoughts that are always presenting themselves to awareness.

When one stops to observe or watch thought, the movement of thought is momentarily paused, just for an instant.   The words that come out of our mouths are manifestations based on the thoughts that we entertain.   Thus, by watching what we say we are in effect watching thought and also slowing down the onslaught or rush of those thoughts that are ever ready to follow.

We can gain some mastery in verbal communication by including a sort of mindfulness practice applied to verbal communication.  In this case the practice is specifically aimed at observing the movement of thought.  By practising this regularly the thought-speech connection becomes obvious and the associated verbal process will be more deliberately attuned to the needs of the situation.  

By being attentive to thoughts, we gain confidence in watching how we communicate with another, and with a deliberate pause, we take time to communicate more effectively.  In watching our own words we do not rush to output ideas, and in watching another's words and our reactive thoughts to those words, we being to show respect for the "being" of another, "being" that is common to us all.   Now a sort of intimacy arises between thought and the verbal communication with another person.  One no longer feels lonely, needy, or inept. 

By being more attentive to thought (or the spoken words), we understand that thought is just a movement of energy of associations to which we provide meaning based on our background conditioning.   With such an understanding we readily "hear" and receive what another is sharing with us.   The need to rush in with a counter opinion, or with an agreement (just to be noticed), no longer has the urgency it had before.  There is a kind of joy in sharing the intimacy of "being" one with another.

Mindfulness can be extended to all areas of experiencing life.   Here we have briefly considered it as applied to the art of verbal communication.

joy

 

Edited February 8, 2016 by walt

[HollyV]

Like many have said, try listening.  If you are really listening, you are not thinking about what you're going to say next.  You may feel at first that you're losing power, but if you keep at it, you'll find it very empowering.  Just be quiet and listen.  You'll be amazed at how you feel after you've done it and how your conversations and relationships with others will start changing for the better.  Also, as Avi stated, paraphrase back to them what they said so they know you are listening.  Best of luck!

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Avi said:

I have some really great tools for you to use to listen to other people. I picked these up through comedy improvisation. You have to practice this though. 

1) Stand in front of a mirror and just look at yourself for 5 minutes. Every 30 seconds say a sentence. Doesn't matter what it is. "I really enjoyed the pancakes this morning." Take a 5 second pause. Then next 30 seconds say something else. Repeat over and over again. The goal is to get your brain to take pauses when interacting with someone else. 

2) When in said conversation, repeat what the other people has just said. For example: "Ya! I just came back from India and it was such an amazing experience!"   You: "You just came back from India!? No way, tell me about your experience. I want to hear about it."  Don't repeat everything they say, it will come off as mocking them. Use it sparingly. 

3) Take 2 second pauses in conversations with other people. This might seems weird but actually it isn't. This will also help your brain slow down. 

These are just some of the tools I've picked up. Hope it helps.   

I am gonna start practicing these in the morning!! I will open vids of Leo and act as if he talks to me and listen to him looking at the mirror. Thank you a lot for the amazing suggestions!  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, walt said:

Why do we talk too much?  There can be many different answers, but if we want to gain some self mastery and build confidence then we will be attentive to everything that we do, and in this particular case the subject for attention is talking. 

Is the talking just a continuous output of sound (basically) and we want to be noticed, because deep down there is loneliness, a feeling of need and wanting to belong?  As we speak, we learn the mystery of our inner depths, if we pause to listen attentively, to what is issuing from the complex of conditioned thoughts that are always presenting themselves to awareness.

When one stops to observe or watch thought, the movement of thought is momentarily paused, just for an instant.   The words that come out of our mouths are manifestations based on the thoughts that we entertain.   Thus, by watching what we say we are in effect watching thought and also slowing down the onslaught or rush of those thoughts that are ever ready to follow.

We can gain some mastery in verbal communication by including a sort of mindfulness practice applied to verbal communication.  In this case the practice is specifically aimed at observing the movement of thought.  By practising this regularly the thought-speech connection becomes obvious and the associated verbal process will be more deliberately attuned to the needs of the situation.  

By being attentive to thoughts, we gain confidence in watching how we communicate with another, and with a deliberate pause, we take time to communicate more effectively.  In watching our own words we do not rush to output ideas, and in watching another's words and our reactive thoughts to those words, we being to show respect for the "being" of another, "being" that is common to us all.   Now a sort of intimacy arises between thought and the verbal communication with another person.  One no longer feels lonely, needy, or inept. 

By being more attentive to thought (or the spoken words), we understand that thought is just a movement of energy of associations to which we provide meaning based on our background conditioning.   With such an understanding we readily "hear" and receive what another is sharing with us.   The need to rush in with a counter opinion, or with an agreement (just to be noticed), no longer has the urgency it had before.  There is a kind of joy in sharing the intimacy of "being" one with another.

Mindfulness can be extended to all areas of experiencing life.   Here we have briefly considered it as applied to the art of verbal communication.

joy

 

I enjoyed while reading your comment and you made me realize that I spend too much time alone and I need to satisfy my social needs. And I do this by talking a lot I suppose. And I also am a shy person a bit. I can't look into people's eyes while they are talking to me. And when I talk to them it becomes easy to not look at them all the time. Thank you so much for the information and help!

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Rosie said:

I do to think that here is the place to judge each other on any level or give negative comments.
As on my side, I have a pretty similar situations, except somehow when i am in a bigger group surrounded by people who I do not trust or like some way, I tend to become very very very quiet.
I think the best way to do is, that whenever you catch yourself talking 'too much' try to turn around the conversation with a question what really interests you about the situation. Concentrate on listening, Be strong in trying to improve this as much as you can, but also accept yourself for who you are because a lot of people indeed enjoy a chatty, positive person:)

That's a nice tactic!! I rarely ask questions and people ask me a lot. I think that causes more problems in relationships with my friends too because it feels good to be asked questions. I should ask more questions from now on. Thank you so much!

[Clunkky]

Or maybe yo're just a chatterbox that won't shut up

[Zephyr]

 

2 hours ago, Clunkky said:

You talk about yourself in that you want to control the conversation. You are self absorbed and selfish. So stop being so selfish. Look up selfish on the dictionary and you will probably understand a little better

The Irony... For your own sake, I suggest you stop posting stuffs and read the guideline.^_^

Your awareness is too low, you'll just hinder others in the forum. 

Edited February 19, 2016 by Zephyr