How to deal with open relationships and jealousy?

[mkrksms]

Somehow I’ve gotten into some sort of open relationship or whatever you want to call it. The person doesn’t want to commit. He also has another relationship. I would like to be less selfish and be able to be happy for them, but instead I’m extreamly jealous and all the time wishing for him to commit to me. Another thing is that he never can make a decision. He changes his mind all the time. One day he says he wants to be with me and another day he wants to end the relationship. One day he even said he only wants to be with me and would end his other relationship, but he changed his mind again… I know that I’m in a stupid situation and should have more self respect than to stay in this relationship. But I feel completely stuck.

Anyway I’ve had this problem before about open/polyamorous relationships. Many times I’ve thought that might be the right way for me to have intimate relationships, although (or maybe because) I’m jealous. To confront that jealousy. And also to learn how to trust another, and how to let go of control. And not being selfish as fuck. But now when I’m presented with this opportunity to work with these things it seems fucking impossible and I’m regressing emotionally like 10 years back. I can’t think straight at all any more, my awareness has decreased a lot lately, my meditation and yoga practice is suffering and don't even seem to help me in this case. Please give me some advice and/or bitchslapping. Thanks.

[Raptorsin7]

@mkrksms I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, actually i have 0, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I think open relationships are low consciousness and I would rather commit to one person and use that love as a foundation to build happy meaningful lives in the world. I couldn't imagine spending energy and time managing multiple relationships there's so much more to life that can be done. I see 0 value in maintaining multiple relationships as you evolve and become a better person. 

My advice. Break up with him and move on. Find someone who wants a committed relationship. Don't settle for that kind of relationship that leaves you feeling bad.

[Raptorsin7]

3 hours ago, Alissa said:

Keep in mind that if you don't solve your problems at their roots and grow yourself, you're gonna keep on attracting guys who are at your level

This times 100000.

[Martin123]

@mkrksms Hi man! 

I would really like to say to you that you don't heal a lack of security and trust in a relationship through exposing yourself to an insecure (polyamorous) relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable.
The way you heal insecurity is through exposing yourself to a secure connection and saying no to anyhing that violates that secure base.

I mean.. think about it. We develop a secure attachment with our primary caretakers when they are always available, safe, predictable and attuned to us and fully able to meet our needs. Through saying YES to a relationship that doesn't meet the needs of your security you're actually retraumatizing yourself and allowing that memory to stick around in your nervous system as if you were saying 'it's okay that it happened to me in the past as it is something I am reliving in the present an putting up with', without doing justice to the scared innocent child within you that doesn't know what it is to truly trust another from its past experiences. As if you haven't acknowledged and fully believed that you deserve better than the tragedy of your past. 

Edited January 12, 2020 by Martin123

[Nightwise]

Personally, I have a bit of a different take on it. I don't think a polyamorous relationship isn't any worse than a monogamous relationship from a objective standpoint. I think we as human beings desire different forms of relating with each other at different stages in our lifes. I don't think polyamory isn't better or worse than monogamy, but it just depends from person to person and the psychological make-up of somone.

Personally, I'm looking as of right now to be in a more polyamorous setting with women because I would like to taste many different fruits, so to say. I like to meet many different kinds of souls and human expressions. I like to have a little bit more range of experiences rather than depth at this moment. Another person likes to commit to one specific person and go more in-depth with that person, and that is also fine.

Another thing that I feel is a myth is that seeing many different people in an open relationship would diminish your capacity to love the person you're with at any given time because 'love would have to be distributed'. I don't think love works as a distribution, but more as a quality that someone has. I don't think you are able to love someone less because you would also 'giving away' your love to other people. I don't think love is something like a jug of water; something you only have a limited amount of and that the more glasses of water you would have (people), that the less water there can be for any given glass. I think love is more like the sun. You shine as brightly whether you're only seeing one person or whether you're seeing many people. Love doesn't diminish like that. The only counterargument that can be made is that in a monogamous relationship you give more time to the other person, and therefore more energy.

Monogamy is more like... commitment to depth with one person. Going as deeply as possible into the soul of another being. Polyamory (the healthy version of it), is more like spreading love out on a broader basis, but maybe giving a little bit less depth and time per person. You could also see it as the difference between a well-known widespread public teacher who has a very wide reach and therefore affects a lot of people, and a counselor who spends lots of time and energy with and to individual people and therefore is a bit more healing and effective per person that he/she is seeing, but doesn't see or reach a big quantity of people. 

From my personal take on it, if someone allows me to be free and totally accepts me for the fact that I also have interest in seeing other people, then I would only love that person more for her being totally able to accept me and give me this freedom. I don't want to take someone as my possession, and I don't expect the same behaviour from someone else. I really respect someone who doesn't want to take me as their possession. Of course, monogamy doesn't have to be possessive, but it often turns out to be that way because people exercise an unhealthy version of it.

In fact, there is no reason for these different people to be seperated. It is for instance also possible to organize something like... a threesome . In that case, nobody (or less other partners) would even have to be left out.

In conclusion, polygamy isn't worse than monogamy. It depends on the person, his/her psychology, his/her point in his/her development, the individual needs, the growth stage etc...

I would advice you, OP, to consider the suggestion that love wouldn't be something that diminishes because your partner is seeing other people. Yes, there is perhaps less time spent together and for that reason there may comparatively less depth created, but for the time that you are actually together, the way I feel about it is that the love shouldn't be any less than if you had a monogamous relationship with that person.

And don't try to make your partner commit to you exclusively. Try to make it a practice in love that you have the compassion to allow him to have the freedom to see other people. Possessiveness is not love.

But... There may also be a strong innate and non-egoic authentic desire to actually have a monogamous committed relationship, and in that case it is probably better to break up with him and look for someone who is able and willing to commit. And don't worry about being selfish. Sometimes you need to be selfish because first you sometimes need to love and care for yourself first before you will be able to care and love for others again. Being able to love others means to be able to love and respect yourself and your authentic needs also.

And of course, also take into account if your partner is the right kind of person you truly want to be with, whether he's monogamous or polyamourous...

Just consider with yourself what you truly want to do. Leave you ideas behind of what you 'should' do, and follow your gut.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Nightwise

[Meetjoeblack]

23 hours ago, mkrksms said:

Somehow I’ve gotten into some sort of open relationship or whatever you want to call it. The person doesn’t want to commit. He also has another relationship. I would like to be less selfish and be able to be happy for them, but instead I’m extreamly jealous and all the time wishing for him to commit to me. Another thing is that he never can make a decision. He changes his mind all the time. One day he says he wants to be with me and another day he wants to end the relationship. One day he even said he only wants to be with me and would end his other relationship, but he changed his mind again… I know that I’m in a stupid situation and should have more self respect than to stay in this relationship. But I feel completely stuck.

Anyway I’ve had this problem before about open/polyamorous relationships. Many times I’ve thought that might be the right way for me to have intimate relationships, although (or maybe because) I’m jealous. To confront that jealousy. And also to learn how to trust another, and how to let go of control. And not being selfish as fuck. But now when I’m presented with this opportunity to work with these things it seems fucking impossible and I’m regressing emotionally like 10 years back. I can’t think straight at all any more, my awareness has decreased a lot lately, my meditation and yoga practice is suffering and don't even seem to help me in this case. Please give me some advice and/or bitchslapping. Thanks.

Your on the hook. It's a cop out. 

If you want a ltr and a guy isn't down, you must avoid like the plague. No contact. No fb, ig, snap or anything. People will claim bitter or some pseudo science dr phil and oprah crap. Do not listen. 

You are your own worst enemy. You are jealous but poly. Its new age horse shit crap. Its wanting your cake and wanting to eat it too. 

Your twenties don't grow back. 

YouTuber Emily hartridge. 

Quote

YouTuber Emily Hartridge was going to fertility clinic when she died in scooter crash https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/youtuber-emily-hartridge-going-fertility-18459305

RIP! 

Cliff notes. Spent teens and 20s on tge carousel running through Chad's and Tyrone. Hits 31 and checks fertility to realize she is practically infertile. 

We have had generation after generation of feminism telling women to slut out, poly it up, and you can have it all. Then reality hits. 

Its a sad story and tale that should be more common knowledge than not. 

 

If you are jealous, you aren't happy. From a male perspective, it sounds like you are his side piece. He doesn't want to commit. Pragmatism would say, move on. 

Edited January 12, 2020 by Meetjoeblack

[Forestluv]

@mkrksms Healthy open/poly relationships require maturity and good communication - just like monogamous relationships. 

“Open/poly relationship” can be code for “I want to keep my options open and still keep you around”. This is not a healthy dynamic for me. I’m naturally oriented toward mongamy, yet I’m open to “monogamish” relationships if there is meaning, good communication and a sense that we are doing it together. 

From what you describe, it sounds like he is into you enough that he wants to keep you around, yet not interested enough to put effort into your relationship. It sounds like you are more oriented toward monogamy and commitment. The distress is spilling out to other parts of your life. He doesn’t sound like a good fit for you. 

From his view, he has a primary relationship and you as his secondary - and you aren’t dating anyone else. That is a pretty good setup for him. . . If the situation was reversed I doubt he would be content. 

[Monkeymind]

There are numerous ways people can choose to have relationships. For people to believe that being in a poly/open relationship is "less than" compared to a monogamous relationship, is extremely close minded. Monogamy is a relatively new dynamic, within the last 10,000 - 20,000 years. My partner and I have experimented with many different types of relationship dynamics, and for us personally we have found that being emotionally monogamous yet physically non monogamous is what works best for us. The key to any relationship is complete honesty, the ability to communicate effectively, and owning your own shit. Your feelings are yours. If you agreed to be in a particular kind of relationship dynamic and your partner is being open and honest with you, it's up to you to work through what's upsetting you so that you can grow, or leave the relationship if you've determined that's not the right dynamic for you. It may also be very helpful for you to find a therapist who is familiar with poly/open relationships to help you navigate through all the emotions you are feeling. Good luck to you.

[Elisabeth]

Inconsistency and lack of commitment is as much a problem in polyamory as in monogamy. 

A good polyamorous relationship feels like "I know my partner loves me, cares about me and wants to spend time with me. I also know they love and care for other people." You can't ask them to spend 7 night a week or all of their vacation with just you, but you can ask for them to give loving attention regularly, keep time commitments, make plans, and for them to know (or figure out) what kind of a relationship they are offering you (then you can take or leave the offer). 

Your partner doesn't sound like he can give you love consistently. How are you going to learn to trust and release control, if this particular partner isn't trustworthy? To cut him some slack, he might just struggle with the concept of polyamory (vs. monogamy) themselves. But you said he can't commit. If that's the case, he's not a person to be in a relationship with. 

It will not be possible to "deal with" jealousy as long as the relationship itself is on a shaky foundation. Jealousy is based in fear or envy. You can get rid of excessive fear and envy, but as long as you have real reasons to fear your partner leaving you with the other person, or neglecting you because of them, you'll won't be able to think the feelings away. 

I'm not telling you to give up on polyamory if you feel that might be your path. But please educate yourself, and make your soul searching so that you don't end up in relationships "somehow", but so that you can choose partners consciously. Learn to deal with jealousy and trust issues with a safe person. 

If you need to consult with more polyamorous people, go to polyamory.com. 

Also, if you feel stuck, you might want to watch this

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Elisabeth

[Meetjoeblack]

On 12/01/2020 at 7:52 PM, Monkeymind said:

There are numerous ways people can choose to have relationships. For people to believe that being in a poly/open relationship is "less than" compared to a monogamous relationship, is extremely close minded. Monogamy is a relatively new dynamic, within the last 10,000 - 20,000 years. My partner and I have experimented with many different types of relationship dynamics, and for us personally we have found that being emotionally monogamous yet physically non monogamous is what works best for us. The key to any relationship is complete honesty, the ability to communicate effectively, and owning your own shit. Your feelings are yours. If you agreed to be in a particular kind of relationship dynamic and your partner is being open and honest with you, it's up to you to work through what's upsetting you so that you can grow, or leave the relationship if you've determined that's not the right dynamic for you. It may also be very helpful for you to find a therapist who is familiar with poly/open relationships to help you navigate through all the emotions you are feeling. Good luck to you.

On 13/01/2020 at 1:56 AM, Keyhole said:

Open relationships are for people who can't bond properly.
Don't put yourself in that situation, leave.
Find someone decent.

Interestingly enough, a lot of married couples started off with a hookup. They are now married with kids. I find the promiscuity and degenerate society annoying but I think the pendulum is swinging back now. Time will tell. 

 

On 12/01/2020 at 7:52 PM, Monkeymind said:

There are numerous ways people can choose to have relationships. For people to believe that being in a poly/open relationship is "less than" compared to a monogamous relationship, is extremely close minded. Monogamy is a relatively new dynamic, within the last 10,000 - 20,000 years. My partner and I have experimented with many different types of relationship dynamics, and for us personally we have found that being emotionally monogamous yet physically non monogamous is what works best for us. The key to any relationship is complete honesty, the ability to communicate effectively, and owning your own shit. Your feelings are yours. If you agreed to be in a particular kind of relationship dynamic and your partner is being open and honest with you, it's up to you to work through what's upsetting you so that you can grow, or leave the relationship if you've determined that's not the right dynamic for you. It may also be very helpful for you to find a therapist who is familiar with poly/open relationships to help you navigate through all the emotions you are feeling. Good luck to you.

Poly is cuck. Its funny to because its being normalised today and tomorrow people will try to play homemaker. Little do they know, a basic search on the net, and you find all sorts of crap. Its like, why commit when I can Netflix and chill? 

High body count equals a inability to pair bond. The data and science has been there for ages. Gaslighting and shame follows when pointing out the facts. 

Bottom line, promiscuity virtually guarantee divorce. 

[Kushu2000]

Agree with most of what's being said here. Polyamory is the epitome of unfulfillment. I've dated around a lot a couple of months ago and it's similar to a drug (going on dates, collecting numbers, the amount of women you've had in your bed). But, if you need to go through a phase like that in your life, by all means do it. You're probably gonna need to become a master manipulator/liar in the process, so reading up on red pill theory/PUA material and such would be useful in that case

[Meetjoeblack]

5 hours ago, Kushu2000 said:

Agree with most of what's being said here. Polyamory is the epitome of unfulfillment. I've dated around a lot a couple of months ago and it's similar to a drug (going on dates, collecting numbers, the amount of women you've had in your bed). But, if you need to go through a phase like that in your life, by all means do it. You're probably gonna need to become a master manipulator/liar in the process, so reading up on red pill theory/PUA material and such would be useful in that case

Its savage. 

There's aspects of men and women that are Unflattering. Furthermore, if you arr approaching, seeing girls, you begin to see patterns. Recognise patterns ghosting, i was busy etc. You begin to put the puzzle together. 

There's nothing more savage and open market then dating. The stats are pretty apparent for promiscuity and poly. Virtually all data guarantees divorce. 

A woman's free to do whatever. Cam vid, poly, promiscuity, single mom, and or traditional family. The same can be said of guys assuming nobody is being physically hurt. 

A funny thing to point out that push for betas and soyboys yet, the greatest selling book to women is fifty shades lulz. Its pretty tellinh. 

 

If you're able to go down the rabbit hole. Meditate. You'll need it. Yiu will see some shit. In the last few years, I have had a ridiculous amounts of invitations from married women. You cannot help but view things differently. 

Enjoy the ride.