Why don't some people have the common courtesy to reply back to me?

[Hardkill]

Hey guys, Happy New Year. It's been a while since I last posted on here. Anyways, so I've been trying to reach out to a lot people through Facebook, Instagram, emails, phone calls, and text messaging as a friend. Yet, A lot of them never reply back to me. Even many of the ones who do respond to me eventually stop replying back after about a few message exchanges. I get that no owes anyone anything when there was neither any sort explicit agreement ever made between one and another nor any sort of professional or financial obligation that needs to be fulfilled by anyone for anything nor any sort of thing that's legally forced. However, why can't people respond back to you out of common courtesy as long as you are being polite and respectful to them?  Especially, if that person is in your class or you work with that person.

Edited January 10, 2020 by Hardkill

[Chives99]

people are selfish, just like you, accept it and move on. Don't be discouraged from messaging people though not everyone will ignore you. I know the drawbacks of instant messaging is tht  it creates a disposable culture where people toss friends and relationships if its not working, but we can't go back now. I wished id been at college 10 years ago before tinder and facebook.

[LordFall]

Human interactions are based off value exchange. Ask yourself what value you're offering them when they see your message in your inbox. If they don't know you before, not much.

If you're the cool guy from class that everyone respects and you message random people in your class that you've never talked to, guaranteed they'll reply. If you're the awkward kid that people try to distance themselves from, guaranteed they don't. 

Human politeness is very dependent on how people perceive your status compared to theirs. Dress well and ask for directions on a random street and most people will happily take time out of their day to help you out and might even take you there. Dress like you're homeless and they will ignore you and frown like the very act of you talking to them offends them.

Just don't take it personally and access yourself and your approach as objectively as you can. How would you react if someone messaged you the exact same way you message them? 

[tenta]

What kind of messages are you sending? Don't get discouraged

[Meetjoeblack]

3 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Hey guys, Happy New Year. It's been a while since I last posted on here. Anyways, so I've been trying to reach out to a lot people through Facebook, Instagram, emails, phone calls, and text messaging as a friend. Yet, A lot of them never reply back to me. Even many of the ones who do respond to me eventually stop replying back after about a few message exchanges. I get that no owes anyone anything when there was neither any sort explicit agreement ever made between one and another nor any sort of professional or financial obligation that needs to be fulfilled by anyone for anything nor any sort of thing that's legally forced. However, why can't people respond back to you out of common courtesy as long as you being polite and respectful to them?  Especially, if that person is in your class or you work with that person.

Its called FEEDBACK. 

What does it mean? To me, it translated into not giving a fuckkkk about you. Some people SUCK. Coincidentally, their life will be garbage. 

Yes, they might have forgotten. The other alternative is that, you might be needy and annoying. 

Do yoyr part. Put yourself out there but if there's consistency in the RADIO SILENCE, CUT ALL TIES. 

[universe]

You are talking about internet communications. This is not like real life where you are talking to someone and they ignore you. I mean I try to be polite and answer everyone but sometimes it can happen that a message is lost or burried.

The thing is, you are not loosing anything, nor is there anything to gain when people text you back. When you realize this you wont care anymore. And funnily thats when people will start to text you back haha.

Practice Self-Love and meditation if you want to grow in this area.

[Hardkill]

On 1/10/2020 at 11:44 AM, Chives99 said:

people are selfish, just like you, accept it and move on. Don't be discouraged from messaging people though not everyone will ignore you. I know the drawbacks of instant messaging is tht  it creates a disposable culture where people toss friends and relationships if its not working, but we can't go back now. I wished id been at college 10 years ago before tinder and facebook.

Well if that's the case, then that must mean that most people in the world are phony and cold-hearted.

[Nightwise]

It's funny because this issue of getting aggrevated of people not responding back to you has lately really been working on my nerves as well.

Honestly, it's just how it goes. Sometimes people are busy, sometimes people are distracted and forget, sometimes people don't know what to say back or don't just want to merely respond because they 'should', that they don't like that feeling of obligation, and sometimes people just don't care.

And sometimes it's also something that's not a request, question, suggestion, or anything that doesn't really need a response. Personally, I also don't like in some situations to respond to something that is just merely the socially conditioned idea of what politeness is supposed to be. For instance, when somebody wishes me a happy new year for some reason responding back to that feels like such a mechanical way of acting, and because I don't like to feel like I'm mechanical I sometimes don't respond back to it.

I do however pretty much always respond back to someone if I feel someone really could use or desires a response from me. If I notice that someone really wants to engage with me, then I will respect that and I will get back to them.

Yeah I get pissed off at it too sometimes when people don't seem to have, as you said, the "common courtesy" to respond when a response is appropriate, but what can I do about it? Do I keep myself pissed off about it, blaming other people for their shortcomings and becoming self-righteous by feeling morally superiour because 'I am the one who does have the respect to respond'?

None of that is going to help me. What I can do, however, is just to look at myself and ask myself: "How can I learn from this? What lesson can be taken from this? What is the universe trying to teach me?"

If you are open to spiritual notions, I would suggest entertaining the idea that existence deliberately set up this situation for you so you had the opportunity to transcend some of your lower egoic self by. And the only way to transcend it is to become aware of it, and often you don't become aware of it until it/you get(s) triggered. If you look at it from that viewpoint, you will view it as less personal.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Nightwise

[Eph75]

On 2020-01-10 at 8:59 PM, LordFall said:

Human interactions are based off value exchange. Ask yourself what value you're offering them when they see your message in your inbox. If they don't know you before, not much.

This. 

But one of the great lessons to learn in life is to find answers and changes not externally - people, circumstance, objects etc - as it only leads to justifications and blame. E.g. "people are idiots", well no, they aren't, they are and function just like everyone else once you know them and they open up to how they really function.

Instead look internally, find your own inner workings and how those play in with what you are trying to achieve, as it is within you that you have the power to create change. Take such a simple thing that it is not they that trigger you when they don't reply, it is you that allow (or choose) to get triggered, based on what emotions and thoughts of yours that are related to those kind of situations. Maybe you've repeated this so many times that it has become an emotional chafing and every time you re-live such a situation it become much more than trivial to you as it is like poking a finger into that pre-exising chafing which understandable is very sensitive. We typically have several such emotional chafings, some people have a lot and we know them as the victim personalities that react strongly against seemingly everything. 

The answers why this is sensitive are within you, as are the means to overcome those problems. Not with others, that is just a distraction that gets you nowhere. Switch focus from other to self. Do it with self-compassion, don't judge yourself, it only makes things worse. 

With that said, if they are looking to what you have to offer, and they likely don't answer because they don't see what's in it for them, turn that around onto yourself and into introspection. 

What is it you need from them and why is that so important? What are you trying to achieve? 

Whatever that is, it may come out as neediness, which isn't very attractive. 

Online messaging makes ignoring easy. Personal confrontation makes it harder for the recieving end to reject you/address their inner conflict, but it would still be toxic if you are operating out of neediness. 

Understanding yourself and letting go ultimately allows you to operate from another place than need and desire, and that is when the recieving end starts seeing somthing more interesting in you. Paradoxically, at that point you can "have it" but you no longer "need it", whatever that "it" is. That's a point where people all of a sudden might want to be around you to absorb some of your radiating energy. They desire something from you. 

Getting there isn't easy, it takes long, hard and self-honest introspection and practice.

Edited January 12, 2020 by Eph75

[Spiral]

Messaging people is often a selfish thing to do. Let’s say that you are bored or lonely and so you message a friend asking them how they are doing. Your basically asking them to entertain you in a dishonest way. People don’t want to used and so they will be reluctant if they notice that the conversation goes nowhere.  

[Leo Gura]

@Hardkill Your mistake it trying to make friends through online cold-calling. Friends are not made that way. Go out into the real world and put your balls on the line.

You are basically spamming people to be your friend, which looks really weak, so of course they don't respond back.

You should not be using online for building connection/attraction. The proper use of text messages and the like is to facilitate real-life meetings which you've already had in the past and want more of in the future. They are not to be used as a substitute for face-to-face.

[egoeimai]

Hello hardkill. Wazzup 

So. 

The thing is, it's about timing and specific lessons life throws at you in order to grow emotionally. 

I believe you can actually meet people and maintain relationships and contact though online messages and calls, but it has to be the right person for you. These are not the right people for you trust me so that's why this is happening. You'll find out eventually that you don't give a shit about them unless you speak the same 'language'. 

We just don't match with some people either in emotional or intellectual level. That's it, you have to accept it and let them go. And keep searching and meeting ppl until you find those who interest you and they are interested in you. Trust me you will find them. 

Online thing can substitute actual interaction but it's kinda not the same of satisfaction. You don't have the chance to live them fully. 

My personal experience is that I've met and built super meaningful relationships through the internet and I'm so grateful for that. But you know, different people different lessons. You'll find them when you get your lessons. Until then relax and enjoy the process with ups and downs. 

Ps. You don't have to be concerned with them not replying to you. They don't deserve your time of course. And most of the time it's not personal. Some people don't enjoy online chats or it brings anxiety to them, I've even heard of that. Some ppl are getting easily distracted or they forget to reply. Each of us is different. I know it sucks,..... Until you find your besties.

Good luck. 

[Elisabeth]

Leo is probably right. 

Also, some people (like me) have a LOT of communication and online communication going on on top of busy lives. I no longer go 'just chatting' with people on facebook. There has to be some substance, some purpose to the communication - either it's a deeper conversation with someone who's already a close friend, or there is something to discuss, a meeting to be planned etc. I no longer have the bandwidth for 'hi, how are you, what did you have for lunch', these messages annoy me and I'll be tempted to not reply. 

[Preety_India]

If they are strangers then it's expected. This is how it is. It takes a great deal to find anyone that you fully resonate with. 

Have patience. You will bump into someone that clicks with you sooner or later and they would appreciate your company. 

But don't take it for granted or just be friends for friends. Try to look more matured and secured. Don't come off as needy or else people will think you're a waste of time. Join different groups.. 

You need to be able to offer something if you want that person to stick around longer. Be friendly with them. Always be available if someone needs you. 

Such things take an incredibly long time 

[Hardkill]

19 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Hardkill Your mistake it trying to make friends through online cold-calling. Friends are not made that way. Go out into the real world and put your balls on the line.

You are basically spamming people to be your friend, which looks really weak, so of course they don't respond back.

You should not be using online for building connection/attraction. The proper use of text messages and the like is to facilitate real-life meetings which you've already had in the past and want more of in the future. They are not to be used as a substitute for face-to-face.

I do agree with you that cold approach in real life and meeting others through your social networking friends IRL should be the primary way to develop your skills, your circle, and dating life. However, it's not entirely true what you said regarding the use of online for building connection/attraction. Otherwise, online dating would be out of business. Also, a significant amount of people have successfully dated or met others IRL through media platforms such as Instagram, Facebook, etc. 

In any case, that wasn't the question that I was exactly asking for this thread. I want to know why people you are acquainted with or friends with don't respond back to you out of the kindness of their hearts.

[Hansu]

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

 

In any case, that wasn't the question that I was exactly asking for this thread. I want to know why people you are acquainted with or friends with don't respond back to you out of the kindness of their hearts.

Hey,

Short background: My primary self developement for the past 8 years were in developing my social skills, so I feel I could have the answer to your question.

To me with this particular problem the root problem was selfishness. It was one of my hardest and one of the last grand lessons I learned while primarily working on my social skills, but learning and accepting the truth was the best thing that ever happened to me stress wise.

Basically when a friend wouldn't answer in time to my online/phone messaging, or even worse didnt answer at all, I would then start blaming them in my mind and projecting an idea on them that "I would always answer in time, so why wont he/she do the same?"

Then my insecurities took over and I began to think that they are not answering me because they don't really like me.

Truth is, they didn't answer me because they just didn't have time to answer me! Not everyone are single students! Some of them work, some of them have families and partners to attend to and just can't stay on their phones 24/7! Realize that its not about respect or "Do unto other as you wish to be done unto you", its simply time management in this busy world!

My advice to you is this: Learn the time patterns of your friends. You can do this easily by just analyzing their responses, response time or heck, just by asking them. It wont take long for this skill to become second nature to you. Try to figure out when your friends are at work, with their friends or spending time with their partners. You will quickly learn at what time your friend's have time to chat or not and you can quit bothering them when they really can't answer to your messages. As a bonus, you will get better answers to your messages as your friends don't have to balance between answering your pressuring messages and hosting a party

Hope I helped!

[LordFall]

4 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I do agree with you that cold approach in real life and meeting others through your social networking friends IRL should be the primary way to develop your skills, your circle, and dating life. However, it's not entirely true what you said regarding the use of online for building connection/attraction. Otherwise, online dating would be out of business. Also, a significant amount of people have successfully dated or met others IRL through media platforms such as Instagram, Facebook, etc. 

In any case, that wasn't the question that I was exactly asking for this thread. I want to know why people you are acquainted with or friends with don't respond back to you out of the kindness of their hearts.

You don't build connections/attraction online, you theoretically can but it's a very poor means of doing so. You build just enough attraction that they're invested enough to meet you in person and then the magic happens. 

They are showing you love and kindness ?. They're not settling for your half ass attempt at a connection and forcing you to connect in a better way. Earn their connection, don't be entitled and expect them to welcome your pixels on a screen as a valuable part of their life. 

[zeroISinfinity]

On 10.1.2020. at 8:59 PM, LordFall said:

Human interactions are based off value exchange. Ask yourself what value you're offering them when they see your message in your inbox. If they don't know you before, not much.

If you're the cool guy from class that everyone respects and you message random people in your class that you've never talked to, guaranteed they'll reply. If you're the awkward kid that people try to distance themselves from, guaranteed they don't. 

Human politeness is very dependent on how people perceive your status compared to theirs. Dress well and ask for directions on a random street and most people will happily take time out of their day to help you out and might even take you there. Dress like you're homeless and they will ignore you and frown like the very act of you talking to them offends them.

 

Done this experiment when I was younger. 

Was fun. 

Thanks man for making my day and made me remember and had a good laugh. 

[Applegarden]

@Hardkill If you ever played Warcraft III then i can make it into one cheat code - greedisgood

People have their own stuff going on and are very complicated and on the very top on that, totally lost, clouded, lost in their immaginations, chasing the visible and percievable cheeses of life and fullfilling various desperate fantasies their mind immagined as a result of boredom and escape from suffering. If you have a preference you are a hypocrite, just like me, its just that in relationships and especially romantic relationships this hypocrisy is seen the best.

[Chives99]

@Hardkill no just we all have self interest