The importance of letting go in a relationship

[Martin123]

Due to some deep healing and grief process I have been experiencing, I felt inspired to share something very important about relationships. The importance of letting go.

Letting go in a relationship is an act of love and surrender, that counter-intuitively can be done only with the intention of commitment.
Letting go in a relationship promotes commitment for the reason that the only thing you can ever let go of, are your expectations of your partner. If we are committed without letting go we are insisting on our partner to be the way we want them to be, which is a role that they cannot fulfill as the only thing they can authentically do is to be themselves. Similarly, if the notion of letting go is divorced from personal commitment, it will be only an act of avoidance and denial dressed up as an insight - as if we were saying 'I am letting go.', while masking the true intention and sending a message to a partner saying 'You are too much for me.'

Letting go, when done properly, can either lead to intimacy and interpersonal connection that is beyond any manufactured roles we play in relationships, as well as to an ending of the relationship, if that is the barrier that is blocking the emotional freedom of both partners. There cannot be true intimate commitment without the willingness to follow through with the possible ending of a relationship. That is for the reason that when you are committed, the relationship isn't actually what is the goal of your commitment. The goal of your commitment is the well-being of both partners, be it in a relationship or outside of the relationship. Every time you let go, there is an ending of the old roles, and the entering of the new. You can never know whether the new will include a relationship between the two or not, and in fact it will always feel like you are saying goodbye for good. That is why letting go is a beautiful act of faith and courage.

The words that describe the beauty of letting go can be said in a mantra I love you, and that is why I am letting you go. I love you is the declaration of the commitment to the wellbeing of your partner, and the letting go is the refusal to force them into a mold of an old role that was manufactured by your own ideas of what you want your partner to be.

And we all do this.
We all want our partner to be a certain way. We manufacture a character when we are growing up, based on all the unfulfilled emotional needs we experience growing up, we imagine (consciously or subconsciously), what we want our partner to be. In this way, we are more looking for a new parent, rather than an equal partner. We imagine what they are going to do, how they are going to make us feel, what they will never do to us, and how deeply understood we will feel by them. While there is ultimately not much wrong with such a fantasy, we are bound to experience partners that will disappoint this imagined ideal of a relationship just so we can experience the beauty of letting go and feel the true depth of a conscious inter-dependent relationship, that starts within us. Yes, letting go may lead to an ending, but the relationship within your heart will only grow stronger, with more love, more compassion and more fulfillment than any fantasy-partner could have ever convinced you of having. 

[Meetjoeblack]

Read David R Hawking Power vs Force. LET GO is a great read too. 

The power in un-attachment is autonomy. The other person is a bonus but not a necessity. In the book, Art of the Deal by Donald J. Trump, hr emphasised the utmost importance of of WALKING AWAY FROM THE NEGOTIATIONS TABLE. Forget his rhetoric or troll game. He is a a genius despite being deplorable and the GOAT troll job. 

There's nothing attractive in being needy, beta, and pushing unconditional love despite being cucked. It is a awful thing to experience and learn but most guys are dumb. 

 

Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way. 

[Shin]

10 hours ago, Meetjoeblack said:

Read David R Hawking Power vs Force. LET GO is a great read too. 

The power in un-attachment is autonomy. The other person is a bonus but not a necessity. In the book, Art of the Deal by Donald J. Trump, hr emphasised the utmost importance of of WALKING AWAY FROM THE NEGOTIATIONS TABLE. Forget his rhetoric or troll game. He is a a genius despite being deplorable and the GOAT troll job. 

There's nothing attractive in being needy, beta, and pushing unconditional love despite being cucked. It is a awful thing to experience and learn but most guys are dumb. 

 

Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way. 

I don't think he was asking for help about the subject ?

Edited January 11, 2020 by Shin

[Martin123]

2 hours ago, Meetjoeblack said:

Read David R Hawking Power vs Force. LET GO is a great read too. 

The power in un-attachment is autonomy. The other person is a bonus but not a necessity. In the book, Art of the Deal by Donald J. Trump, hr emphasised the utmost importance of of WALKING AWAY FROM THE NEGOTIATIONS TABLE. Forget his rhetoric or troll game. He is a a genius despite being deplorable and the GOAT troll job. 

There's nothing attractive in being needy, beta, and pushing unconditional love despite being cucked. It is a awful thing to experience and learn but most guys are dumb. 

 

Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way. 

Hi Joe, I appreciate your post.
Thank you for the recommendation. Unfortunately the letting go that you speak of is the letting go that I mention as being divorced from commitment. 'UN-attachment' implies struggle against attachment. It is a state of rebellion. Certainly an important stage for many individuals to go through, as we are bound to re-experience the sense of personal-agency that we so desperately need to become sovereign individual beings capable of having loving relationships with ourselves and others. The trick in completing this stage lies within the question 'how deeply internally rebellious I can be so I can satisfy the internal craving for freedom and autonomy, without hurting or negatively affecting others around me'.

When it comes to the true letting go, there is completely harmonious and committed relationship with attachment, as without attachment there would be nothing to let go of. Therefore the goal of letting go isn't a way of detaching yourself as some sort of an egoic-gratification that allows you to manipulate outcomes to your liking. Without attachment there wouldn't be a grief cycle, and without a grief cycle there would be no letting-go. Therefore letting go is the eternal doorway into emotional vulnerability.
The more you let go, the more you will cry. It is quite ironic and beautiful.

By the way I have noticed some of your posts on the forum in this section, and I appreciate your desire to help others and increase their wellbeing, but please bear in mind that when it comes to relationships, that is often where we become the most sensitive and emotionally vulnerable, and so perhaps if you could spice up your posts with a hint of sensitivity, I feel like my eyes would sparkle just a little bit more, for the sake of everyone you choose to affect.

Thanks again for posting.

PS: There is something hilarious about having Trump's book recommended to me. Thanks for that, I had a giggle.

[Martin123]

@Vxvxen Thanks for the post! I appreciate it truly from my heart Very glad you liked it.

I think the answer to your question is quite simple. You're never back to square one! Every relationship, every moment of grief, sadness, disappointment or loneliness opens you up into being more loving with yourself, and closer to creating a relationship with an equal partner that can embrace all of you just as you can embrace all of them.

If there is a part of you that does feel like it's back at square one, it is more about embracing the feelings that are coming up that are perhaps leaving us feeling like a failure after an ended relationship, or an expectation that we should have been able to make it work, or that we should have been further along with our development etc. If you take those feelings and embrace them with a mindset, that they are actually a healing that is happening as a result of an ended relationship (I assume that's what we are speaking about), and are going to be of infinite benefit once fully felt and integrated, it can make it much easier to just settle into those uncomfortable moments, and feel your way into a better future.

[aaalex]

On 2020-01-10 at 4:30 PM, Martin123 said:

There cannot be true intimate commitment without the willingness to follow through with the possible ending of a relationship. That is for the reason that when you are committed, the relationship isn't actually what is the goal of your commitment. The goal of your commitment is the well-being of both partners, be it in a relationship or outside of the relationship. Every time you let go, there is an ending of the old roles, and the entering of the new. You can never know whether the new will include a relationship between the two or not, and in fact it will always feel like you are saying goodbye for good. That is why letting go is a beautiful act of faith and courage.

 

On 2020-01-11 at 2:57 AM, Martin123 said:

Therefore letting go is the eternal doorway into emotional vulnerability. The more you let go, the more you will cry. It is quite ironic and beautiful.
 

 

This is so beautiful written. You are bringing up such an important topic here, which unfortunately I don't find so much about on this forum. I really enjoyed reading this. 

There's something about a true committment between two souls that fascinates me in the human experience. When two souls are fully committed to letting go of each other with each other, a great teacher in the two of them for each other occures. It creates space for both parts to fully meet themselfes and to grow indivdually, not just the relationship itself. This is what I've experienced in my relationship with my partner and it has taken our love to the depths and made our bond and understanding for each other so strong. It is such a beautiful process that my eyes gets all teared up just thinking about it. There's alot of talking about growing from ending relationships but little of thriving relationships.

It's very courageous to commit to this kind of relationship and I recommend it to anyone mature enough who meets someone worth committing to, if one is willing to practice letting go seriously. It's a very interesting and beautiful experience we humans get the chance to experience and can be very transcendental.

Thanks for sharing your perspective on this topic. 

Edited January 13, 2020 by aaalex

[Martin123]

@aaalex thanks! Really glad you liked it!

Congratulations on your mature relationship! It’s truly wonderful to see that there is committed loving  partnership devoted to the evolution of consciousness out there.

[Forestluv]

@Martin123 Wonderfully insightful post. Thank you for sharing.

Your post captures an essence of what I experienced last night. Last night I went on about the 5th date with a gal. We get along very well and are growing closer together. As we said goodbye last night, we gazed into each other’s eyes and I realized it may never be like this again, I may never see her again. I felt an urge to pull back and create stability - to set up a time and place for the next date - to give this continuity and permanence. Then I felt an urge to run away - it’s eventually going to end, so run away now and spare myself the sorrow. Then I noticed she started to look/feel sad - like she was experiencing similar. Now I wanted to run away beacause I didn’t want her to get hurt and feel sorrow. I thought “I can’t do this”. . . . Then there was letting go like you describe. All grasping and pushing let go. All control, expectations and hopes let go. . . . There was just the ISness of the moment as we just gazed in each other’s eyes, not knowing. It was as if we had been reconnecting and disconnecting over many lifetimes in many realms. We found each other again, yet don’t know how long it will last and how long until the next time. This gave the moment deeply profound meaning. 

[Martin123]

12 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Have you guys noticed how "Game" is antagonistic to letting go? 

 

I was going to respond but I would appreciate if this debate didn't get dragged into this topic, thank you, and thanks for posting I appreciate it, as well as bumping this thread up :). The more views the better for all of us. 
 

 

1 hour ago, Serotoninluv said:

@Martin123 Wonderfully insightful post. Thank you for sharing.

Your post captures an essence of what I experienced last night. Last night I went on about the 5th date with a gal. We get along very well and are growing closer together. As we said goodbye last night, we gazed into each other’s eyes and I realized it may never be like this again, I may never see her again. I felt an urge to pull back and create stability - to set up a time and place for the next date - to give this continuity and permanence. Then I felt an urge to run away - it’s eventually going to end, so run away now and spare myself the sorrow. Then I noticed she started to look/feel sad - like she was experiencing similar. Now I wanted to run away beacause I didn’t want her to get hurt and feel sorrow. I thought “I can’t do this”. . . . Then there was letting go like you describe. All grasping and pushing let go. All control, expectations and hopes let go. . . . There was just the ISness of the moment as we just gazed in each other’s ones, not knowing. It was as if we had been reconnecting and disconnecting over many lifetimes in many realms. We found each other again, yet don’t know how long it will last and how long until the next time. This gave the moment deeply profound meaning. 

Thank you! Sounds like a very peaceful way of resolving soul contracts. Wishing you good luck and harmony in your relationship! 

[Martin123]

@Etherial Cat That is a great idea. There is a healing energy contained in the words that I wrote, and so every time you re-read it, it becomes more anchored in your nervous system. 

[Martin123]

1 minute ago, Etherial Cat said:

Wonderful. 

I have a question. What are soul contracts?

Oh, and there is another one. Do you have any content recommendations for someone who resonate with your post?

Thank you 

Mmm I think this one rises to the opportunity quite well.

The correlation with my post and this video is the more we embrace the light within us as the primary source of fulfillment (which sounds boring to any amount of ego inside of you, trust me I know haha :D... who cares about the supreme light of existence adoring me and giving me all that I need, I want that one girl to be obsessed with me), the less we will insist of others to play the roles that fulfill us, and create more harmony in relationships.


Soul contract is an agreement on a soul level between individuals primarily focused on the type of healing they will initiate within each other. Meaning some people are in a soul contract to trigger sadness and disappointment within you, and others to trigger a remembrance of joy and ecstasy. Both are equally as important.

[Forestluv]

44 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

Soul contract is an agreement on a soul level between individuals primarily focused on the type of healing they will initiate within each other. Meaning some people are in a soul contract to trigger sadness and disappointment within you, and others to trigger a remembrance of joy and ecstasy. Both are equally as important.

Can there be some joy/ecstasy within a sadness/disappointment theme?

I think we’ve got a sadness/disappointment theme. There are moments of joy, yet it’s almost like the joy is contrast for the sadness/disappointment. Like there is joy of being reunited, and then sadness because the joy cannot be realized because of earthly practical matters. 

Since the sadness/disappointment is at a trans personal level, there isn’t self suffering. There is no self trying to struggle it’s way out it into into its happy zone. There isn’t any type of blaming. It’s like a form of love story. Like a sad love story someone would cry in the movies. It’s just the theme of the movie. . . . Yet sometimes the person pokes its head in and is like “what the heck am I doing?”. And then I either want to turn it into something good, or walk the other way. Is it possible that a sadness/disappointment theme turns into a joy/ecstasy theme?

Also, when you say a soul contract getting resolved, does that mean the continuous soul meetings end? Does it mean that particular soul meeting ends? Or does it mean the situation is resolved and the two souls as people stay together?

This is a new area of exploration for me and it’s fascinating to me. 

 

[Martin123]

11 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Also, when you say a soul contract getting resolved, does that mean the continuous soul meetings end? Does it mean that particular soul meeting ends? Or does it mean the situation is resolved and the two souls as people stay together?

Both. Sometimes the moment ends and you find yourself in the presence of the person once more, and sometimes you part ways. Ultimately we part ways with everyone in some shape or form just so we can rediscover that everyone we've ever loved or been loved by lives in our heart, which is the essence of emotional oneness. It is a strange experience to have parted ways with friends I don't talk to anymore, and yet feel close to them just as much as I used to when we were in very frequent contact. There is no regret nor disappointment regarding the experience, just love and gratitude.

11 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Can there be some joy/ecstasy within a sadness/disappointment theme?

I think we’ve got a sadness/disappointment theme. There are moments of joy, yet it’s almost like the joy is contrast for the sadness/disappointment. Like there is joy of being reunited, and then sadness because the joy cannot be realized because of earthly practical matters. 

Since the sadness/disappointment is at a trans personal level, there isn’t self suffering. There is no self trying to struggle it’s way out it into into its happy zone. There isn’t any type of blaming. It’s like a form of love story. Like a sad love story someone would cry in the movies. It’s just the theme of the movie. . . . Yet sometimes the person pokes its head in and is like “what the heck am I doing?”. And then I either want to turn it into something good, or walk the other way. Is it possible that a sadness/disappointment theme turns into a joy/ecstasy theme?

I appreciate that question, however you are in the domain of trying to think it through and figure out. There is ultimately nothing wrong with thinking, but the belief is that if I can think this through enough, and know how this works, and understand the cycle of disappointment and sadness and whatever, I will be more prepared to feel the sadness within me and it won't hurt as much.

Well that ain't gonna work :D. Sorry. Tragedy will always feel tragic, sadness will always feel sad and desperation will always feel desperate. There certainly are ways to take edge off the experience, such as enhancing self love, compassion and self-care, but there truly is no benefit in the anticipation of sadness. One of the benefits of any negative emotions is how sometimes surprising and inexplicable it can be. If it were all anticipated and predicted, we would be robbed of the joy of spontaneity that is bound to be born in the reality of every awakened heart.

Is there a sadness and bliss theme? Yes, of course. It is very spontaneous.

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Martin123

[electroBeam]

What's the point in being in a monogamous relationship if one holds this perspective?

If you hold no expectations with your girl/guy, and love them for who they are, no matter what they turn out to be, what makes them different to a beggar, Donald Trump, Hitler or your next door neighbour?

You can also commit to the entire human race, and from the perspective you have, committing to 1 person over another doesn't make sense, because you hold no expectations for both.

 

Is this just a sneaky, charismatic way of showing people how to be a Jesus, Sadhguru or Buddha?

[electroBeam]

I have tried for many hours, to contemplate and meditate on the fact that everything that I love in a woman is already within me. While I'm aware that all of the infatuation, bliss and love is happening within the present moment, it just does not have that same level of energy you get with doing it "for real".

What am I doing wrong here? How can I channel all that love I have for others into myself so that I don't need women to get all the satisfaction I want from women? How can I put the women within me?

 

When my relationship ended with my ex girlfriend, I suddenly felt no more desire to talk to her, or to be with her. It gave/gives me no satisfaction. I only have a desire/am drawn to supporting her and caring for her in the breakup to ensure that she feels loved, cared for and is happy. But i don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. According to your post, should i be feeling/drawn to talking to her and being best friends with her? Your post is very inspirational, and i would love to have that sort of committment to the one that Ive just been broken up with, but I have no desire to. What should i do to cultivate that sort of commitment?

Can you have this sort of relationship with someone you commit to, but the other person doesn't commit to back? If the other person still imposes constraints on you?

[Martin123]

6 hours ago, electroBeam said:

When my relationship ended with my ex girlfriend, I suddenly felt no more desire to talk to her, or to be with her. It gave/gives me no satisfaction. I only have a desire/am drawn to supporting her and caring for her in the breakup to ensure that she feels loved, cared for and is happy. But i don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. According to your post, should i be feeling/drawn to talking to her and being best friends with her? Your post is very inspirational, and i would love to have that sort of committment to the one that Ive just been broken up with, but I have no desire to. What should i do to cultivate that sort of commitment?

There's nothing wrong with that. That's just means that the relationship has ran its course and at this point in time it will be best for the two of you to not spend time together. Commitment to the wellbeing of someone doesn't mean being around them or with them at all. If what's needed is space from one another, that is wonderful and needed as well.
 

6 hours ago, electroBeam said:

I have tried for many hours, to contemplate and meditate on the fact that everything that I love in a woman is already within me. While I'm aware that all of the infatuation, bliss and love is happening within the present moment, it just does not have that same level of energy you get with doing it "for real".

What am I doing wrong here? How can I channel all that love I have for others into myself so that I don't need women to get all the satisfaction I want from women? How can I put the women within me?

The reason why this contemplation doesn't work is because it only promotes disempowerement and self-denial, which aren't qualities that are aligned with consciousness.
Its not about 'not needing relationships', but more about being honest with what we emotionally need and desire, and staying true to that. What you actually did when you broke up with your girlfriend is that you ended a cycle of self-denial - 'This is not what I want, I will stay true to what I want, even if that means change and discomfort.' 

And to your previous post regarding committed partnership and 'being in a relationship with all of humanity', that is just a big misunderstanding. 
It is not about being all things to all people. Jesus was not codependent. If he was, he would have been in a relationship with everyone he ever healed. But thats not unconditional love, that's just an idea that disempowerment manifactures to keep itself in its self-defeating cycle.
Jesus was authentic and true to himself, not a people-pleaser.

What I would recommend to you (because I can feel what's happening, and I can sense that you've been contemplating for a long time, and it feels like its leaving you a little frustrated), to set-aside contemplation and enquiry for now, and replace it with a creative passion. Contemplation has gotten you this far, but the parts of you that have been denied expression and room to breathe need a tool and a space to express themselves. This can be something simple like playing an instrument, singing, creative writing, or even just writing out your feelings. You need to create new pathways that allow for more of a emotional and artistic expression in order to move forward.

[Martin123]

@electroBeam Also to spice it up this will allow you to address the question of 'not needing anything from women'. While it is ultimately not about that, the reason why we tend to fall prey to objectifying women and seeing them as means to an end and wanting to get something out of them is for the most part due to the fact that the feminine energy within us is repressed greatly. Creativity and artistic expression is what resurrects the divine feminine within everyone, men and women alike. 

[Forestluv]

Edit: my post didn't fit well with the theme of this thread and has been deleted.  

[Martin123]

@Serotoninluv Well thank you fort that comprehensive post, but I don't find myself having a desire to engage in any conceptualizations of this nature. I find that the time we spend debating mental constructs is a time that we could spend feeling our feelings. I understand that you're someone who has a lot to say, and I honor that, but let's just not continue these discussions. I value the healing journey of me, you and everyone else way too much for that. 

Nothing I posted here is meant to be conceptualized, its value is only in whatever feelings are inspired by that post.

[Forestluv]

@Martin123 I apologize for the distraction. My intention was not to debate concepts. For me, letting go of attachment/identification was a key component of my healing journey, including letting go of attachments/identification to feelings and thought stories associated to those feelings.  (Directly experiencing/releasing feelings was important as well).

I can see how what I wrote can be a conceptual distraction and I won't continue this discussion line. I have moved my thoughts to my personal journal, so that it is not a distraction to your thread. 

You have some deep insights that resonate with others. Thank you for sharing them with the forum.