Being a scape goat as a "leutenant" of rehab

[Strangeloop]

I'm dealing with strong negative feelings, and they mostly come from the workers of rehab. As I'm on a duty to be their "leutenant" this week they put me on responsibility to do certain things like making sure that people do their job and the rules that are in rehab are taken seriously. 
The moment I do something "wrong" like I don't organize what they told me to do they put me as a scape goat like I'm guilty for everything even for those things that people do on their own will. It fucking irritates me. I hate being a doormat. I can't stand up for myself. I just listen and hold myself in with my negative thoughts. It's almost like every "mistake" which isn't really a mistake. I believe that every "mistake is not a mistake" because those happen for a reason. 
So how do I deal with being a doormat? How do I stand my ground against workers of rehab? I afraid if I do stand my ground they will just punish me for not obeying. I hate this. Why do I have to obey anyone? Why can't I just be myself without obeying anyone? Sure it feels nice when other people obey me but that's not the point. This social structure of leader and follower irritates me. It's like we're animals with alphas and betas in our social structure. 
 

what do you think about this?

[tsuki]

Are you a patient of the rehab, or are you an employee?

28 minutes ago, Strangeloop said:

I afraid if I do stand my ground they will just punish me for not obeying.

Contemplate if this is actually true. If you feel that they treat you unjustly, then you should be allowed to express it.
Healthy people want you to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from injustice, even if they inflict it.
If it is actually the case that they will punish you simply for standing up for yourself, then they are abusing you and you should leave.
Of course, the details are important here. What do you do when you stand up for yourself? Are you trying to dominate others, or are you expressing your feelings? Do you know the difference between these two?

28 minutes ago, Strangeloop said:

Why do I have to obey anyone? Why can't I just be myself without obeying anyone? Sure it feels nice when other people obey me but that's not the point. This social structure of leader and follower irritates me. It's like we're animals with alphas and betas in our social structure. 

If you feel that resolving conflicts requires you to either dominate someone, or submit to them, then that is a sign of boundary issues. Healthy boundaries are flexible and subject to negotiation. They are a prerequisite for authentic relationships.

Edited January 10, 2020 by tsuki

[Strangeloop]

@tsuki i'm a patient. I don't see ant difference in life between things and terms, all of it ate just words and none of it means anything. It's all the same to me, the same life the same people, abusing, healthy abusing, ungealthy abusing. I see them using people for their organization needs and they cover it as helping people trying to "cure" their addiction to drugs and alchohol, which is possible in a short term but not in the long term

[tsuki]

59 minutes ago, Strangeloop said:

It's all the same to me, the same life the same people, abusing, healthy abusing, ungealthy abusing. I see them using people for their organization needs and they cover it as helping people trying to "cure" their addiction to drugs and alchohol, which is possible in a short term but not in the long term

I'm sorry that this is how it seems to you. This is not true in general and I wish you a hasty recovery.
While there certainly are people that want to exploit you deliberately, this is not the case for all of humanity.

Normally, by trusting their emotions, a person would be able to navigate away from those people, but it seems like you can't tell the difference. Try researching trauma and childhood abuse. They are often linked with drug addiction.

Edited January 10, 2020 by tsuki

[Strangeloop]

@tsuki Thank you for your perspective