Wtf Is Going On?

[Syy]

I remember as a child with age 8 or 9 was the first time i supressed my Emotions. It was like somebody telling me to try if i could stop my crying. I was by myself and noone there to care about me. I feel the Reason why i cryed isnt important, but the fact i was able to do it. I was curious if its possible. Maybe back than it was the first time i developed my Ego. I guess i started around that Age too to seek approval, love and attantion for selfworth. I defined myself through the Reactions towards me from others. Guess it was massiv conditioning going on too.

My Situation is that i discovered this recently about myself and im not able to undo it. I became concious of it while executing this "Program". I cant bring my real Self out, its like an automatism thats not under my control. I always supress myself and put on a mask. Its annoying and i fear that i loose the memory about this, so ill post it here. Dont get my wrong. I want to show my real self, the way i realy am, to the World, i just cant, cause of this old Behavior pattern. And i think because im scared too.

Are there some cool Routines besides beeing Concious about it or try again and again, to be me? Damn that sounds so scizophrenic. Sry for bad English, im German.

Edited June 10, 2016 by Syy