#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[tsuki]

I'm not taking enough care of my sleep. I started using coffee again and it messes up my schedule.

I'm also excited in the evening because of my studies and have trouble falling asleep. Unfortunately, I won't have the opportunity to sleep today because of the training that I'm attending.

I'm not prioritizing right for the time being.

[tsuki]

For the past two days, I have trouble getting myself to the right place, mentally.
On the self-care level, the heart prayer provides a background to benchmark my mental capability against and I fell intellectually scattered and progressively more disconnected. Each morning is a struggle before I get into the right mental place. I've been drinking coffee in the previous week so my body may be a little bit dysregulated. 

While I'm focusing on my spiritual practices, my self-care routines took a noticeable hit.
I'm still taking care of my food (cooking and shopping), but my laundry has piled up and I'm not having enough sleep.
I also stopped massaging my neck regularly and my sleep quality has decreased. I tried to rest yesterday and while I did manage to take a few naps, I woke up with a minor headache.

Quote

13 When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 14 In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. 15 So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. 16 To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!” 17 His disciples remembered that it is written: “Zeal for your house will consume me.”[c]

18 The Jews then responded to him, “What sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?”

19 Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.”

20 They replied, “It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?” 21 But the temple he had spoken of was his body. 22 After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken.

Gospel of John, 2:13-20

The body is a temple, I will take a better care of it.

__________________

Oh, and my inner critic is getting more active lately. I even started criticizing my wife for her looks. Not cool.

[tsuki]

My intellect is getting me to fall into the same self-defeating pattern as usual.
I get so worked up about a topic that I stop taking proper care of my life and when things start to fall apart, the topic I'm passionate about gets washed off by the wave of chores and repairs.

Body-soul-heart-mind balance, tsuki. That would be cool.

 

[tsuki]

Yesterday's couple's therapy session wrecked me. I feel like shit.
Unfortunately, the way this therapist conducts his practice is like grist for the mill to my superego.

It is so ridiculous that I feel worse for not being playful enough.

[tsuki]

Today was the first time I woke up crying from a dream.
The dream reconnected me with the events that happened when I was fighting to get my manager fired.
In the dream, I took the initiative to stand up to the management when people were complaining about overtime.
They didn't listen so I spoke up and the atmosphere soured up so much that I realized that it's a dream and woke up.

I started praying for an emotional release and it came in the morning, when I remembered that I had to give my cat to my parents because my wife is allergic to fur.

Edited February 5, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Yesterday I had a deep prayer/meditation session that exploded into a surge of creativity.

Since yesterday, I'm starting to feel weird tension around my jaw when I keep breathing/praying deeply throughout the day.
When it starts bothering me, I notice that I would very much like to have it relaxed, open.

It's very easy to notice the performance of my mind throughout the day thanks to this prayer.
When I'm tired or focused externally, the words become smeared, like coming out of a low quality speaker.
They also require conscious attention to maintain.

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

My self-care routines are falling apart. I gained 4 kgs because of my "self-love" which manifested as allowing myself for sweet snacks after dinner.
For the past few days I wanted to share the meals with my wife so I was cooking for both of us. I don't feel like doing that anymore.
Our cooking stopped being independent and I wonder whether that's good or not. I don't know.

From today on I will start counting calories and I'm setting my limit for 2300/day. 
I also returned to massaging my neck because it's gotten stiff lately.
Thankfully, the shopping routine is still in order, but I'm running out of ideas for snacks during the day. Fruits are not satisfying and I'm not calorie-aware of other foods so they contribute to my weight gain.

[tsuki]

I just realized that I feel inferior to women. I need to contemplate that.

[tsuki]

I feel inferior to women because women feel. That doesn't sound right, but it is. Sigh...

I judge myself to be inferior to women because I envy their ability to feel themselves.
Without this self-knowledge, the mind is just a tool for survival that can only transform and never create.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki The "mind" itself is already whole, who KNEW? 

 

[tsuki]

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki The "mind" itself is already whole, who KNEW? 

 

What do you mean?
I agree that the mind is already whole. Contrary to @Faceless' post, division and separation are not in opposition to it.

[tsuki]

Today I had a conversation with my wife about joy. I'm really good at identifying negative emotions, but positive ones elude me.

Joy is a spontaneous fascination with details, a non-discursive immersion in their depth. I think that the most profound joyfulness I experienced was on LSD.

My wife says that she notices that I'm joyful at times, but I'm oblivious to it.

Edited February 14, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

@Marc Schinkel AWESOME! Thank you!

[mandyjw]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

What do you mean?
I agree that the mind is already whole. Contrary to @Faceless' post, division and separation are not in opposition to it.

 

'The World is true.'; 'No, it is a false appearance'; 'The World is Mind'; 'No, it is not', 'The World is pleasant'; 'No it is not' ---- What avails such talk? To leave the world alone and know the Self, to go beyond all thought of 'One' or 'Two', this egoless condition is the common goal of all. -Ramana Maharshi

The miracle here is that what we all want THE MOST, is to feel "good" and stop judging self and one another which feels "good". This is the egoless condition, this is enlightenment. 

To boil it down, we cause our own suffering whenever we judge or separate ourselves. All judgement is self judgement. This is fragmentation. We know when we are doing this when we feel bad. The judging mind says I don't want to feel bad (chooses good over bad), so it fragments itself, into self and other, creating time and continually follows the same loop of self judgement and suffering.  

The mind tells itself that it is identifying the problem, without realizing that in its identification and separation and desire NOT to have it, it actually creates the problem and itself the (I) in one motion. 

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

Today I had a conversation with my wife about joy. I'm really good at identifying negative emotions, but positive ones elude me.

Joy is a spontaneous fascination with details, a non-discursive immersion in their depth. I think that the most profound joyfulness I experienced was on LSD.

My wife says that she notices that I'm joyful at times, but I'm oblivious to it.

See how curious this is? Is it possible that when you feel what you call positive emotion there is little to none self referential thinking going on, that your memory doesn't "judge" "value" or "register" it like it did with the negative ones? Is it possible that what the mind calls "positive" is being and therefore the negative is the only one of the "two" that the judging mind can take "credit" for? 

Therefore is it possible that this is not a "problem" at all but a feature? 

Edited February 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

16 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

'The World is true.'; 'No, it is a false appearance'; 'The World is Mind'; 'No, it is not', 'The World is pleasant'; 'No it is not' ---- What avails such talk? To leave the world alone and know the Self, to go beyond all thought of 'One' or 'Two', this egoless condition is the common goal of all. -Ramana Maharshi

The miracle here is that what we all want THE MOST, is to feel "good" and stop judging self and one another which feels "good". This is the egoless condition, this is enlightenment. 

To boil it down, we cause our own suffering whenever we judge or separate ourselves. All judgement is self judgement. This is fragmentation. We know when we are doing this when we feel bad. The judging mind says I don't want to feel bad so it fragments itself, into self and other, creating time and continually follows the same loop of self judgement and suffering.  

The mind tells itself that it is identifying the problem, without realizing that in its identification and separation and desire NOT to have it, it actual creates the problem and itself the (I) in one motion. 

See how curious this is? Is it possible that when you feel what you call positive emotion there is little to none self referential thinking going on, that your memory doesn't "judge" "value" or "register" it like it did with the negative ones? Is it possible that what the mind calls "positive" is being and therefore the negative is the only one of the "two" that the judging mind can take "credit" for? 

I'm confused. You sound like @Nahm, but it clearly says @mandyjw.
Have you been sniffing @Nahm's and @Faceless' posts all night again?

 

@Marc Schinkel You just completely blew my mind! Talk about joy, huh?
It's a thread between threads! WOOOOOT?! AND I GOT A GAY SPIDERMAN! WOOOO!
AND A FUCKING MASTERPIECE TO WATCH! DUDE, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY BABY!

I love you! I LOVE YOU! So much confusion!

Edited February 14, 2020 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

@tsuki "The name Suki is a girl's name of Japanese origin meaning "loved one"." Already know what t is for. 

 

 

 

[Nahm]

51 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Today I had a conversation with my wife about joy. I'm really good at identifying negative emotions, but positive ones elude me.

This is because there’s actually no such thing as “negative emotions”. They aren’t “identified”, they’re created with judgement of self or other / Self. This is a call for inspection work. ??

[tsuki]

34 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

The miracle here is that what we all want THE MOST, is to feel "good" and stop judging self and one another which feels "good". This is the egoless condition, this is enlightenment. 

True.

35 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

To boil it down, we cause our own suffering whenever we judge or separate ourselves.

True.

35 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

All judgement is self judgement.This is fragmentation. We know when we are doing this when we feel bad. The judging mind says I don't want to feel bad (chooses good over bad), so it fragments itself, into self and other, creating time and continually follows the same loop of self judgement and suffering.  

The mind tells itself that it is identifying the problem, without realizing that in its identification and separation and desire NOT to have it, it actually creates the problem and itself the (I) in one motion. 

All judgement is relative to the self(-concept) and its survival. Feeling good, or being a good person is good, for the self.
Nonduality is not relative to the self-concept and is not dependent upon its existence or non-existence.

[tsuki]

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

This is because there’s actually no such thing as “negative emotions”. They aren’t “identified”, they’re created with judgement of self or other / Self. This is a call for inspection work. ??

Is all judgement unnecessary?

[mandyjw]

Who wants to know?