#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[tsuki]

I proclaim the year 2020 to be the year of my self-care.
Through this exercise, I want to learn what my needs are and take full responsibility for satisfying them.
This year, I will make meeting my needs my number one priority and will organize my days around it.
This journal is the exploration of this theme.

To keep it focused, I promise to myself that I will only post:

1. Promises that I made with myself.
2. Summary of research regarding my needs.

I grant myself the right to let go of promises that turn out to not serve me.

Edited January 9, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Starting from tomorrow, I will stop relying on my wife for cooking and laundry.
I dump my responsibilities onto her and resent her for not meeting my expectations.

Today, I promise to:

1. converse with my inner child through the diary,
2. buy my own food and prepare it for tomorrow,
3. go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 5:30 a.m. as usual,
4. stretch my stiff neck,
5. read the Bible.

Today, I slept only 5,5 hrs and drank coffee in the morning to make up for it.
I should probably go to bed even earlier to return to my sleep schedule.

• https://www.btod.com/blog/reasons-neck-pain-computer/
• https://www.btod.com/blog/2017/01/12/12-excellent-stretches-to-improve-back-pain-at-your-desk/
• https://www.btod.com/blog/2017/01/26/the-importance-of-the-neutral-reach-zone/

Quote

If the desk is too high, you will compensate by shrugging your shoulders slightly to elevate your forearms, wrists, and hands to the appropriate level. After a while, your neck muscles will fatigue and begin to spasm. When the neck muscles become tight, the tension often translates to the smaller suboccipital muscles at the base of your skull. This can lead to a headache that starts at the base of your skull and progresses to the front as your symptoms worsen.

That is exactly the type of pain I'm experiencing. I reduced the height of my desk by 45mm and my shoulders feel better. 

Edited January 9, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Why do I choose to make self-care my #1 priority?

Because I feel abandoned when I rely on others to fulfill my needs, and they fail to meet my expectations.
Abandonment is my trigger for regression. When I regress, I become a hurt 5-year old in 30-year old's body.
In that state, I'm incapable of distancing myself from my hurt feelings and I express them freely.
I become controlling, demanding, insensitive and vindictive.
Worst of all, I can't think straight and take care of my needs even when I'm perfectly capable of fulfilling them otherwise.

This creates a toxic loop in my marriage because my wife is codependent.
I don't know her triggers exactly, but it has a lot do with her parents' divorce and they fire when she's threatened.
She drops all boundaries when she regresses and does what she is told.
She feels threatened a lot because there is a big difference between our earnings and I own the place.
When she drops her boundaries, she's still angry when they are being breached, but she internalizes it.
This internalized anger turns into guilt, resentment and self-criticism that do not get expressed until they explode.

I have to grow up, take ownership of my needs and establish a trusting bond between my grown, capable self and my young, needing self. Needless reliance on others is a form of self-betrayal and retraumatization.

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Promises kept:

• converse with my inner child through the diary, *
• buy my own food and prepare it for tomorrow,
• go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 5:30 a.m. as usual, *
• stretch my stiff neck,
• read the Bible. *

* - Instead of journaling and reading the Bible, I decided that reading Homecoming by John Bradshaw was more beneficial. I want to know more about his method and do the exercises. I also spent some time with my wife and went to bed at 9:30. I forgot to pray in the evening.

Today, I promise to:

• Do the laundry,
• Buy food and prepare a salad for tomorrow
• Ask my therapist whether doing exercises from the book will not interfere with my therapy,
• Ask my therapist whether LSD will not interfere with my therapy,
• Stretch my stiff neck,
• Read Homecoming and the Bible.
• Spend less time on Youtube.
• Go to bed at 9 p.m.

The schedule will be packed today because I have a therapy session.

This is totally awesome:

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development

Homecoming is a manual of reclaiming arrested development at various stages according to this model.

Edited January 10, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I'm having a small celebration.

I feel pressured at work, but I decided to prioritize myself and take care of my emotions.
I'm afraid that my new employer will abandon me and I want to sign the papers with him before I file the notice here.
I called the new employer and the secretary apologized and promised that they will send the papers via email by Monday.
I feel better.

I also took time to stretch my neck a little. I'm developing an automassage routine that feels really good.

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by tsuki

[Bill W]

Would be interested on your take of the Bible, although I've only read a small bit of it thus far. 

[tsuki]

18 hours ago, Bill W said:

Would be interested on your take of the Bible, although I've only read a small bit of it thus far. 

I'm just 230 pages in, I don't have much to say on this matter for now.
I'm anticipating that it is a story of failed covenants between God and humans that culminate in God's incarnation as Christ.
I won't claim to understand the reasons why God chooses to interfere with mortals, but it's a very different idea of God from what I'm used to. Imagining God the Father as an entity distinct from humans is, well, difficult. I'm much more keen on viewing him as Truth itself that is revealed to prophets and acted upon. Perhaps, that is why Moses wrote million rules describing the Law and still failed to create the perfect society? God finally killed him for disobedience and chose Jozue instead. 

What do you think? You seem to have an opinion on God that you're keeping to yourself. I'd very much like to hear it.

On 10.01.2020 at 8:48 AM, tsuki said:

• Do the laundry,
• Buy food and prepare a salad for tomorrow (decided otherwise)
• Ask my therapist whether doing exercises from the book will not interfere with my therapy,
• Ask my therapist whether LSD will not interfere with my therapy, (totally forgot about this)
• Stretch my stiff neck,
• Read Homecoming and the Bible. (Decided to journal and go to bed earlier)
• Spend less time on Youtube.
• Go to bed at 9 p.m. 8 p.m.

The therapy session was difficult, but it revealed that my inner critic is kicking my ass too much. I want to be supportive of myself.
Unhappy childhood is a bitch. First, you don't get to be happy as a child. Then you develop all sorts of unhealthy coping mechanisms that ruin your relationships. On top of that, you suffer as an adult because of unprocessed emotions and have to face them instead of numbing yourself down with addictions. All of that just to arrive at the point that you should be starting from - peace. FML.

Edited January 11, 2020 by tsuki

[Bill W]

I think my opinion on God is quite fluid and dynamic at the moment. I think my opinion is still forming. I only really considered the possibility of God as of October 2018 so that's only about 15 months ago. 43 years of no opinion on God and now 15 months of mostly beautiful sensory overload about God. 

Where I am at with it is a different perspective than many on this forum. I've also realised that it's okay to have a God of your understanding that is different to the God of someone else's understanding.

I feel God is in me. He is part of me but that I am not God. He is not sitting in the clouds with a big grey beard. That much I know. But then again what do I know about God? I don't pretend to know anything for sure? How could I? How could I be so arrogant as to think I have it sussed out what or who God is? 

That I have some how hacked into the system and resolved it all. What folly that is. 

I do know I am still suffering more than I need to. But, I don't feel alone anymore. I feel like I am in a wonderful new love affair with God. The Bible makes sense to me. It is my map. 

Preachers are right. Well the ones i listen to are. God speaks through them to me. I used to think preachers were insane. Some might be. But there is gold to be had my friend. Gold. 

[Angelite]

19 hours ago, Bill W said:

Would be interested on your take of the Bible, although I've only read a small bit of it thus far. 

Which Bible do you read? @tsuki

Edited January 11, 2020 by Angelite

[Bill W]

1 minute ago, Angelite said:

Which Bible do you read?

Hi. Mostly Good News Bible (NLT) but sometimes I used either NIV or KJV for some versus. I have my own journal so don't want to hijack this one or distract Tsuki ?

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Angelite said:

Which Bible do you read? @tsuki

I'm reading the Catholic Bible in Polish, my native language. The translation is called "The Bible of the first church".
It's a translation of Septuagint and and New Testament from Greek made by Remigiusz Papowski.
The translator went for this source because supposedly Christ did not read the Bible in Hebrew, but in Greek and it helps to understand the references he was making.

Edited January 11, 2020 by tsuki

[Angelite]

Which Bible do you read? @tsuki

These are the Qurān's perspective on the Torah & Injeel. (Moses & Jesus scriptures)

5:41-48

(Chapter 5 in the Qurān is specifically about the Jews & the Christians. We also have a chapter called Mary)

One fact about prophet Muhammad was, he is illiterate. He couldn't write or read. 

...

When I first read the bible, I immediately know where things got mixed up. It is in it's translations. 

Proceed to Qurān 5:116-120 to see what I mean.

.

There is one chapter in the Qurān named Ar-Rūm (The Romans) . The Christians in this chapter are considered as muslims. The people of the book. When they are promised victory. 

.

♣Proceed to Qurān 5:72-77 (more on Jesus Christ)

♣The first chapter is pretty  close. 

Genesis 37 - 50 (On Prophet Joseph)

Compare it to Sūra Yūsuf. It is different. He didn't tell his brothers about the dream. In the bible, it was the sheaves of the brothers bowing down to his. 

In the Qurān, it was eleven stars, sun and moon, all bowing down to him. (Chapter 12) brothers~

Kinda similar but different. Its chronology is pretty consistent. 

(I didn't know that Jacob have three wives. Joseph&Benjamin being the sons of Rachel)

The Qurān only speaks of the wisdom , not too much on the details. Focusing on the values in each stories. 

♣ 16:103

And We certainly know that they say, "It is only a human being who teaches the Prophet." The tongue of the one they refer to is foreign, and this Qur'an is [in] a clear Arabic language.

The prophet didn't learn it from someone else. It was a revelation. 

 

This is NKJV. Another one is the ESV study bible. I don't read it all though. 

Qurān 23:91 

Allah has not taken any son, nor has there ever been with Him any deity. [If there had been], then each deity would have taken what it created, and some of them would have sought to overcome others. Exalted is Allah above what they describe [concerning Him].

[Angelite]

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

I'm reading the Catholic Bible in Polish, my native language. The translation is called "The Bible of the first church".
It's a translation of Septuagint and and New Testament from Greek made by Remigiusz Papowski.
The translator went for this source because supposedly Christ did not read the Bible in Hebrew, but in Greek and it helps to understand the references he was making.

I think the Qurān speaks a lot about Moses & his Law. Jesus too. 

[Angelite]

I think to believe is to listen...

(Instead of reacting or responding with voice&language or arguing)

...

[2:285] The Messenger has believed in what was revealed to him from his Lord, and [so have] the believers. All of them have believed in Allah and His angels and His books and His messengers, [saying], "We make no distinction between any of His messengers." And they say, "We hear and we obey. [We seek] Your forgiveness, our Lord, and to You is the [final] destination."

*instant insight*

[tsuki]

@Angelite I appreciate your insights and would like to discuss them with you, but I want this journal to be focused on self-care. Would you like to participate in a shared journal where we would discuss the Bible and Qran?

[Angelite]

Sure

If God wills

[tsuki]

Yesterday I found a new passion for reading the Bible and made significant progress.
I have no idea how someone could read that book and get an idea that we should install theocracy.

Today, I promise to:

1. Dedicate time to journal about how I feel.
2. Buy and prepare food for tomorrow.
3. Stretch my neck.
4. Read before going to bed.
5. Go to bed at 9 p.m. or earlier.
6. Do the laundry, maybe?

I'm still behind my sleep schedule because me and my wife were socializing yesterday.
We met some absolutely wonderful people. I'm very excited because I want to make friends with them and that does not happen too often.

[tsuki]

On 13.01.2020 at 8:34 AM, tsuki said:

1. Dedicate time to journal about how I feel.
2. Buy and prepare food for tomorrow.
3. Stretch my neck.
4. Read before going to bed. (I read before I attended today's catechumenate.)
5. Go to bed at 9 p.m. or earlier. (went 9:30 p.m. because of a small crisis).
6. Do the laundry, maybe?

I just want to cry, but I can't. Why can't I cry when I feel hurt?
Please, give me back my pain I don't want to repress it any longer.

Edited January 14, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Two days ago, I was pondering a mental phenomenon accompanying basic self-care.
On one hand, I'm pressuring myself to do something, and on the other hand I feel frozen, avoiding and postponing.
Then, I realized that this is a double bind and they often result from emotional violence.

My parents never took time to teach me how to clean, cook and take care of myself. First, everything was taken care of for me and at some point they decided that I'm old enough to help and started pressuring me into it. They did not understand why I'm avoiding it and living in mess. They criticized me for not being precise enough with my cleaning and not doing it the right way.

This critical voice is still with me to this day. I no longer need you my friend, you're free to go.
I'll take it from here myself. I will teach it to myself and will be supportive of my inner child.

Edited January 14, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

The promise list is ranked by priority.
Today, I promise to:

1. Go to bed at 8 p.m. This is critically important.
2. Journal about my feelings and (or) read the Bible.
3. Stretch my neck.
4. Do the laundry.
5. Zero youtube and social media today.

I'm also having a tango lesson today. I hope that we will be able to attend it.
My wife has a rough day because she's reading a book on codependency and feels awful.
Nope, no tango for me today. Bible, here I come!

I will be implementing habits starting from today. The first one is doing the shopping right after work.
I switched the bag that I used for a shopping bag to avoid spending money at the mall.
I've been able to shop consistently after work ever since I started this journal.

I've been tracking my sleep, stress and energy levels with Garmin Vivosmart 4 for the past couple of weeks and I can see that I'm tired. I've been unable to regain my baseline level of energy for the past few days and I can feel it. I had a few cups of coffee over the past week and it may be the cause. The top priority today is going to bed at 8 p.m. and getting solid rest.

I really want to read the Bible, but my bodily needs are #1 priority.

Edited January 14, 2020 by tsuki