#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[tsuki]

I just had a huge breakthrough during a therapy session. I am using other people's company to avoid feeling my loneliness. Why would I ever avoid feeling loneliness? It is a feeling ffs ?

When I was a kid and had my first day at school, my mom would tell me that I should watch tv when I get back so that I would not feel lonely. I needed a fucking parent back then you workaholic pricks!

I'm a 31 years old adult and I kept believing that the whole time that loneliness is bad! wtf?! These people taught me that because they can't stand themselves! And they can't stand themselves because they don't know themselves!

I just told my wife that I need some space because I'm using her to avoid feeling lonely. Or rather, I want to be alone but my beliefs turn that into loneliness that I habitually avoid feeling! So in order to do that I walk in zombie mode and distract myself ? lol. Ignorance is so fucking twisted ?. Only a child would come up with such a plot!

Edited November 20, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

During the weekend I was experiencing a sort of twisting of my personality, with various facets of it surfacing and taking charge. For the past week my wife had a period so we didn't have sex and agreed to try to play today. Last weekend we had amazing time together where she opened up a lot and was simply being in the moment, not worried about the past, future, or the pending tasks. Over the last week, she forgot how to get into that space and her inner child was not having any of it today.

What I noticed is that the sex-hungry facet of me is avoiding feeling alone. This pattern runs deep into my childhood where I learned that being alone is bad and was told to substitute that with TV. Few years later, a channel with adult advertisements started airing and I quickly learned the ropes. Now I understand why rejection brings up anger. I can't substitute sex for loneliness and I'm hurt because I believe that being alone is bad. In truth, loneliness is the smoke-screen that covers up the need to be alone. So, when I'm sex-starved, or distracting myself with TV, I actually want to spend some time by myself. This is strange because "being alone" is a distinct mental space, that does not correspond with the lack of presence of other people. It is a mental space from which I can express myself, do what I want, etc. It somehow relates to not having a persona and being preoccupied with others.

Anyway, there's been another line of development lately that I opened up to. I don't know why but I feel big resistance to setting goals. I can manage day-to-day business with a todo list to some degree, but that also comes with a burden. I am afraid to envision myself in 10 years, my perfect life. It is probably a residual fear about having my parents' expectations failed. This is interesting because instagram has showed me today an advertisement of this "tsuki" journal and I was so enamored with it that I placed an order without investigating what is it for. I assumed that it is a journal for writing my thoughts, but it turned out that it's a bullet journal for organizing tasks. Quite a synchronicity!

Edited November 22, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

On 9.07.2019 at 2:26 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Leo Gura 4-24-1985  

4 +2+4+1+9+8+5  = 33    3+3 = 6

Leo has a 33/6 Life Lesson number.  33 is the Christ Vibration number.

Just checked yours @Zigzag Idiot. 33.
I also checked mine and didn't notice that 11 is a proper life lesson number. I got all depressed for being a measly 2.
SOOOO APROPRIATE lol.

Edited November 23, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

OMG LOL

[tsuki]

Oh yeah.

[tsuki]

On 9.07.2019 at 2:10 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

The Life lesson number is a person's birthdate added up and reduced down to a single numeral unless it's a Master number. It was a good way to get a feel for this particular number with all the people who I had known any at all with thier birthdate right on thier Gravestone.

For me, this particular book is special among all numerology books. Anyone who likes Meditations on the Tarot would probably like this book.

On 9.07.2019 at 2:21 PM, tsuki said:

Please don't do that to me. I have a life, you know?

Yep, bought the book. Bye bye life 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Lol,,, you said it. It will draw you in and may take center stage for a while. ? 

It took me a little bit to calculate my complete triangle but I don't think you'll have any problem figuring yours. It's a fascinating piece of work. If you run across many master numbers in the calculations of you or your loved ones, you may as well go ahead and order this one below,,,,maybe. It's a fairly small, thin book, but rich of course. Her work is way above all others who write about numerology IMO.

 

[tsuki]

Fucking hell man. This is not funny. Fuck you @Zigzag Idiot!
HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND ALL THOSE BOOKS MAN?!

Me:

Life lesson number: 47/11
Soul number: 21/3
Outer personality number: 61/7
The path of destiny number: 10/1 <~ this fucking shit right here! Fuck! HOW AM I GONNA LIVE UP TO THAT?! COMPLETE REALIZATION AND ATTAINMENT FOR A 1?! FOR A LIFE LESSON 47/11?!?!?!?! 

My wife:

Life lesson number: 37/1 She's not just a one. She's the one
Soul number: 33/6 <~ HOLY SHIEEET. SHE'S A 6 THOUGH BUT THE LESSONS SHE TAUGHT ME UNKNOWINGLY FUUUUUU
Outer personality number: 47/11 <~ SHE WANTS TO BE A FUCKING FASHION DESIGNER?!
The path of destiny number: 8 <~ WTF WEATH?! RECOGNITION?! LOSING AND MAKING MONEY?! FUUUU

This so eearie. IT FITS SO WELL TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR! AND IT MAKES SENSE!

Pssssss, my mind is blown.
Rebooting...........................................

 

PS. I translated the related passages for my wife and she was blown away. But not as much as I was.
And it is the missing key for me to understand the enneagram which I always wanted to do.  Never knew that Gurdjieff was a numerologist but it makes sense.

Edited November 23, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

HOW CAN THIS MAKE SO MUCH SENSE!?!? MY INTUITION IS GOING CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY

[Zigzag Idiot]

Hahahahaha ???

Im just now getting out my Divine Triangle book to read your numbers. It's about the same shape as my I CHING book. I was unaware of Gurdjieff being into numerology. Hmmm

[Zigzag Idiot]

21 hours ago, tsuki said:

Just checked yours @Zigzag Idiot. 33.
I also checked mine and didn't notice that 11 is a proper life lesson number. I got all depressed for being a measly 2.
SOOOO APROPRIATE lol.

My full name (path of destiny number) is 74/11

I discovered all this back in 2005. Had a brief spell of a Messiah complex in addition to my double dose of being a Zen Devil for a couple of years. Glad I got all that out of the way. Often I've noticed people with Master numbers are kinda fucked up more often than not.,,,

[tsuki]

@Zigzag Idiot So, I was wondering about the meaning of the three full name numbers and their relationships.
I am wondering whether the soul number is constant between incarnations? Given that the destiny number is the sum of the soul and outer personality numbers, and that outer personality number refers to the current incarnation, it seems like it should be possible to calculate what the next life will be about? The operation that is applied to numbers is called digital root and its purpose is to quickly calculate the stage within 1-9 cycle as described by this sequence. The left column is the underlying number, and the right column is its digital root.

So, for example my path of destiny number is 10/1 and the next path of destiny would be 11/2.
If we assume that the soul number is constant between incarnations: 21/3, then we can calculate the outer personality number so that it adds up to 11/2. For example, 1/1 would fit.

21+1=22, reduction would yield 11/2.

So, my next incarnation would entail:

Soul number 21/3
Destiny number 11/2
Outer appearance number 1.

I wonder if it is a solid assumption that the soul number is constant between incarnations? What do you think?

Edited November 24, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I was unaware of Gurdjieff being into numerology. Hmmm

@Zigzag Idiot In the first few pages of the divine triangle, the author describes the quality that each number expresses. This corresponds with the numbers within the Enneagram and encodes the universal principles of change. I remember reading somewhere that Gurdjieff said that he can draw the enneagram in the desert sand and unpack the whole knowledge of the mankind. For example, if you squint at the descriptions of the numbers, you can see the personal essences of each enneagram types (or Holy Ideas) like @Megan Alecia described in her journal somewhere. I can't seem to find her notes on that though. I should have bookmarked them!

Edited November 24, 2020 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

I think Gurdjieff was reffering to the Law of 3 and the Law of 7 aka the Law of ninefoldness which is found in the Enneagram. The direction goes .14285714.....I'm getting sleepy though and need a day or two to ponder,,,,and also study @MeganAlecia's Journal some more.

 

 

41 minutes ago, tsuki said:

21+1=22, reduction would yield 11/2

Wouldn't that be 22/4,,,?

I haven't searched for a YouTube on the Divine Triangle in a couple of years. Back then, this was the only one I found.

 

Im just a year or so away from my 54 - 81 Wisdom years,,,,

Im glad you're enthused and finding meaning in this. Be careful about getting OCD with it as I did for a while. Making note of things that display numbers. License plates, addresses, floor numbers,, etc. ??

Later, brother,,

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Wouldn't that be 22/4,,,?

Brain fart haha. Up until number 78 there are 8 vibrations of number 8 that match:
8/8, 17/8, 35/8, 44/8, 53/8, 62/8 and 71/8.
Any of those with soul number 21/3 would create path of destiny 11/2. Given that my current one is 10/1, the next one would be 17/8???

3 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I think Gurdjieff was reffering to the Law of 3 and the Law of 7 aka the Law of ninefoldness which is found in the Enneagram. The direction goes .14285714.....I'm getting sleepy though and need a day or two to ponder,,,,and also study @MeganAlecia's Journal some more.

 

 

But why would he put the numbers in the order that is correct when going around the circumference? They really seem like the holy ideas of each of the enneatypes with respect to personalities.
I don't know the law of three or seven so I can't speculate anything more.

Edited November 24, 2020 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

Gurdjieff never applied the Enneagram to personality types. You may have been a step ahead of me though intuiting what you did concerning the numbers. I returned to a website saved from a couple of years ago. It goes into detail somewhat concerning vortex math. Some of it I understand but not all of it and I'm not sure if I agree with some of their perspectives. Here it is though, if you want to give it a look.

https://www.gurdjieff.justwizard.com/Enneagram.html

 

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Gurdjieff never applied the Enneagram to personality types.

Yes, that is true. I read somewhere that Óscar Ichazo developed it and it came to me through the internet and Eli Jaxon-Bear's book.
I did not intend to imply that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is the same as Ichazo's enneagram of personality. What I was getting at is that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is deeper and reflects more basic rules of reality that govern all creation. These rules can then be made more concrete by framing them in a specific context - which in Ichazo's case was personality. This is why Gurdjieff's Enneagram works with respect to many different areas such as body types, etc.

This is also why I made the link between Numerology and Gurdjieff's Enneagram, because they both seem to reflect the same depth (or universality). Alchemical Square of Opposition is another set of unversal rules that can be applied to various contexts. Gurdjeff's Enneagram seems to be much deeper and more rich though.

3 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Here it is though, if you want to give it a look.

Thank you, I will read it. I am wondering about the term "vortex math" that you used. If you have any resources handy about the vortex, or vortex math, I would gladly read it. Attractors and chaos theory are words that come to mind. My mind also makes the link with Abraham Hicks' teachings but I don't know if it's legitimate.

Edited November 25, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I'm having a huge breakthrough right now.

I have a lot of issues with a coworker of mine. He is older than me, but less skilled in programming. He does not understand modern principles of programming and does not understand software architecture very well. He also uses outdated technology, mostly on written by himself and openly refuses to learn. He is employed here because he has specialized knowledge that is difficult to come by and knows how to play politics.

Basically, we're stuck in opposition to each other and settling for any solution is practically impossible. His way of pretending to discuss matters is to basically repeat over and over the same response in different ways while ignoring responses from people. Few times, after hours of discussion, he said that he never heard any counter-arguments to his ideas. His new tactic is to use de-facto standard by implementing (in code) solutions to problems that have not been specified yet.

I managed to realize that he triggers me so much because I'm confusing my ideas with myself and reacting to being rejected. This triggers the traumatized three-years old within me and it keeps creating anger long past the actual confrontation. I realized that I can't be rejected by other people. Ever. The three-years old habitually stuck to seeking validation by others and did not realize that I am my own parent right now. I will protect and love you, kiddo  I see you. You are important to me. I will not abandon you. I'm with you, forever. We are complete.

Will you trust me?

Edited November 26, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

This is going to be difficult but I want to be as open and transparent as possible.

There's been a fellow self-actualizer on this forum that I've been skyping with that I want to remain anonymous. We've been meeting for a few weeks now and discussing our progress and supporting each other. I have a dream of being a part of a tribe. This is a bunch of people, friends, that know what's going on in other's lives and support each other in times of hardship and well-being. This person seemed like the right one, albeit young, very open-minded and willing to explore in this direction. I did my best to be clear about this dream and presented it to him as truthfully as I could.

After a few meetings, a meeting in person came up and we decided to trip together. I had to back off from this arrangement because I learned that LSD interacts with autoimmune disorders, one of which I have. My wife knew all of this beforehand and was ok with it. When we picked him up, the atmosphere was a bit tense but I shrugged it off as a general uneasiness when meeting new people. It's a different town after all, and he never spoke with my wife before so it did not surprise me at all. What did surprise me a little bit is the amount of smiles we exchanged and the moment all three of us sat in our dining room to talk. Heavy silence dropped and to diffuse it I jokingly said that we're meditating. After some talking, we exchanged a few looks that I did not understand. Long looks into the eyes, that threw me off. Normally over skype, we would talk freely, but now maintaining eye contact was difficult. I thought that he was trying to dominate me and kept looking back, to which my wife said that we look like wanted to have sex. Still clueless, I shrugged it off, but what finally caught my attention was his nonchalant reply: "maybe?". He had a mannerism of becoming interested in facets of himself spontaneously, but I saw through this smoke screen and realized (emotionally at first) that I fucked up.

We started talking about his experiences, getting to know him. I closed down and observed my emotions trying to tell me what's going on. My wife started to ask about his experience with girls, to which I asked him whether he inquired into his sexual orientation. From the start, it was obvious to us that he's fragmented, having his intellect disconnected from his feelings and we (my wife and I) explored the extent of it. His upbringing and culture has created a massive shadow out of his homosexuality. He would visibly flip-flop between being an open-minded, curious young man, and practically a demon shooting chuffs of sexual energy at me with his eyes. At some point, he became interested in the flowers I bought to my wife few days before and became disappointed with the fact that they seemed fake (they were real flowers). Later that evening when I got up to sit next to my wife, the glass vase with flowers shattered. It was my wife's favorite vase. He was sitting in the opposite side of the room and launched up, with remorse, looking for a mop to clean this mess, as if he did it. Flip-flops, flip-flops, mind-heart. We had a lot of moments where we were able to guide him to name the emotions that he was experiencing and he was able to recognize the attraction that he felt. I think that he understands now that he is homosexual and how it connects with various problems that he's having. I explained to him why he has to go back home and that he should look for a person that can reciprocate his feelings. If you are reading this, please do not contact me and remain anonymous. You probably have psychic powers and a massive shadow. Lay psychedelics off and start psychotherapy ASAP.

Having said all of that, I'm also at fault. I was completely clueless. I am bisexual and my homosexual part is very difficult for me and for my wife. I repress that part of me and now I know how it manifests itself. When I'm meeting someone that I want to get close to, I unconsciously flirt. I use my sexual energy to attract them. Having seen what sexual energy is, what invitation for attraction looks like, I know that there are a few people in my life that I flirt with. I've seen these looks before. I have also learned how to project sexual energy consciously, with my eyes. It all became clear to me when I invited and embraced my homosexual part. I will never let go of it, ever again.

I will have to talk to one of the people I flirt with and present this story to her. I will probably lose a person that I hope to be a genuine friend, but it cannot be any other way. I need to be clear in my intent, not giving off two different messages to people that I want to befriend. I also have to be more in touch with my homosexuality. This is a very important part of me that is intimately connected with my sexuality. My wife gets jealous of my new friends when I flirt behind my back. It hurts the relationships that I want to establish. I don't know how many times I've heard that I'm not flirting with my wife from her. This will change as soon as she gets better.

This is all very difficult for my wife. We talked about my bisexuality before and she does not want to see my homosexual side. She is still to connect with her Animus and take conscious ownership of the little girl that is inside of her. This new facet of me broke her world apart and she shut down. She does not feel safe to talk to anybody right now and feels very alone and threatened. 

I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. From being happy for finding a lost part of myself, through being excited about learning how to project sexual energy, being hopeful about new prospects of our relationship, all the way down to sadness about hurting her and fearing that she will hurt herself. I already booked a couples therapy session this week.

[Zigzag Idiot]

@tsuki For whatever it's worth, I see nothing wrong with flirting. 

Ken Wilber once stated that he admired the openness and psychological flexibility of Bi-sexual men and he kinda wished that he were bisexual even though as he says that he's a hardwired heterosexual.

I identify with James Franco's statement a few years ago when he said that he was just a little bit gay. That perhaps he was just a gay cock tease,,, lol. Around that same time (2015) I told a relative a that at times I felt perhaps, psychologically gay. Just a different way of expressing what James Franco did. It immediately got twisted and blown all out of proportion. Although as a hardwired heterosexual, as Wilber phrases it, in having friends who were gay and bisexual, I've had a lot of experience in witnessing and dealing with homophobic pathology in our patriarchical world.

I admire your courageousness in being authentic, friend.