#1 priority for 2020: Self-care

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

@DrewNows Just hoped for a friendly chat. We do see that your energy is different and we're enjoying it.

Let’s do it in a few days ?

[Zigzag Idiot]

18 hours ago, tsuki said:

There's been a major breakthrough recently and I want to express it here. I can feel, viscerally, that my interior is a literal zoo and that monkeys are running the place. There are small monkeys, big monkeys, elephants, and giraffes, and guess what? Who's the zookeeper? I'M the zookeeper! And monkeys lured me into their cage! More than that, they told me that this is THE OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE!

Between the both of us. Your zoo and my ship of fools, were a veritable Noah's Ark! 

I or maybe I should say all of us, appreciate your intelligence and sincerity, and respect you a great deal, or maybe we should say all of y'all,,,,??‍♂️??‍?

Glad to see you posting,,,

[tsuki]

49 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Between the both of us. Your zoo and my ship of fools, were a veritable Noah's Ark! 

My wife loved this! She really enjoys the zoo analogy. finds it to be very amusing.

49 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I or maybe I should say all of us, appreciate your intelligence and sincerity, and respect you a great deal, or maybe we should say all of y'all,,,,

I feel like this is the first time I was actually able to hear that, despite my "zoo" needing this encouragement A LOT. Thank you!

[tsuki]

My not-a-zoo does not like to be called a zoo because it was a jungle until the trainer moved in. From now on, the only cage that is going to be left in here is the one we'll be keeping the trainer in. The jungle is not the right word either because contrary to us, animals can't understand language and my inhabitants are constantly listening. Jungle is also somewhat alien and inhospitable while I find myself cozier every day. The word "house" would give unwarranted advantage to "parents" that live alongside us. We would very much like to be a ship, working towards a common goal, but we're just getting starting at this.

The difficulty of being a human lies in the paradoxical structure of this interior. The ones that were here for the longest time, are actually the ones that are the youngest. Unfortunately, each new inhabitant was trying to take charge of this place instead of taking care of the rest. This never worked because the deepest reaches of this Matrioshka, the subconscious, is the body and it will not cooperate unless its needs are met.

Edited September 29, 2020 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

16 hours ago, tsuki said:

We grew a beard. We're very fond of it.

Ah, continuing to morph into your profile pic. Good to see you posting here again! 

[tsuki]

1 minute ago, mandyjw said:

Ah, continuing to morph into your profile pic. Good to see you posting here again! 

I don't have his constipated face just yet.

How is your awakening coming along?

[mandyjw]

7 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I don't have his constipated face just yet.

Keep working on it. Less fiber, more cheese. 

7 minutes ago, tsuki said:

How is your awakening coming along?

I'm neo-advaitan now, so it's not. 

[tsuki]

Such a good material on the unique aspects of video games as an art medium.

[tsuki]

I feel like I'm going through a very deep transformation right now. This is nothing like anything I have ever experienced.

I feel good about myself, about who I am. Not about my accomplishments - it's about my essence. About my uniqueness. My productivity at work this week has plummeted and I can't get myself to make progress with my current projects, but I know that I need this time to myself. This is the time when I'm looking deeply into who I am, into what I understand myself to be. I feel that my psychological makeup is changing. It feels like a new identity is condensing, but even though I'm semi-conscious of it, I'm not rejecting it. I don't blame myself for "having" an ego anymore. There is this multiplicity of me and I can see it. It is as if it was somewhere out there, as something other than me - and yet - it is very dear, close to my heart. From one point of view, I feel compassion for this struggling creature, as if it was separate, but when I feel this, I feel good, as if someone empathized with me.  I really like the analogy of being in a relationship with myself. Very unusual.

I could say that this is the proper transition from green to yellow. I exhausted the relishing in the relativity and accepted the survival side of things. The systemic part of yellow is emphasized so much, but I don't think that this is the proper characteristic. I was pretty well versed in systemic thinking as green, but what I did not fully get was, simply put, myself. I was at odds with "having" an ego, it felt like a curse of not being able to live my life they way I wanted haha. The proper characteristic of Yellow is integral. Integral means: unified, in-dividual. Even though this inner structure has its facets, they all serve specific purposes and balance each other in strife for permanence. I accept even the lowest aspects of myself and treat them with care. They are, after all, my most precious children. I will never be as close to any child as I am to my heart.

And still, I understand that this structure is conceptual. There is nothing in here I can point my finger towards and say: "AHA! Got you!". I am interpreting my behaviors as they appear and act as if there was a person/s here. My interior does not like being called "illusory" for it implies that it is not important. It is important to me. Ha!

Edited October 1, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I had a difficult therapy session yesterday. Some turmoil is coming up today and I'm not sure who I am. I will be taking a break from the forum for the weekend and possibly longer. I need to ground myself and understand the need that I'm trying to satisfy here.

[tsuki]

On 3.10.2020 at 11:33 AM, tsuki said:

I need to ground myself and understand the need that I'm trying to satisfy here.

My purpose here is to have my beliefs concerning my enlightenment confirmed.
This is not what I want to do right now so I will be taking a break.

Edited October 6, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Dear diary,

I've been going through a lot of stuff lately and I'm not exactly sure what is going on with me. During my last therapy session I understood that my father never loved me. I clearly saw that for myself, without believing anybody, but I didn't feel it. As I was writing that sentence, my eyes teared up for the first time because of it. During the weekend, I was desperately trying to hold on to various identities that I made for myself, but I felt empty and none of them fit really well. I understood that I don't know who I am, but didn't feel it.

"Coincidentally" I picked up Peter Ralston's "The book of not knowing" and as I was reading through it, I experienced that I don't know what the I-concept means. It was completely hollow. It was a word that did not relate to anything that I could find. I recognized it to be the exact same state I was when I had my first awakening, after experiencing Heidegger's "Being and Time". The feeling is something distinct from anything I experience in my everyday way of being. It was simply wakefulness, openness, everything was not-it, fresh, new, unexplored. It was somewhat similar to tripping. I was exhilarated because this time, I experienced it consciously, as something I participated in. I did it, as something that I just remembered to do. I worked on the state of not-knowing for the rest of the week, and was able to sustain it (with varying success) for whole days. Mornings are the most difficult for me and I don't understand why. I have this association that the bodily sleep is the opposite of wakefulness of not-knowing, but I am not clear about what the body is, so it generates a lot of turmoil when I'm trying to overcome it.

My wife also had a crazy week, networking for her upcoming business. She had a very unpleasant encounter with a business coach which was very draining on her. When I came home that day and listened to what she had experienced, I recognized the coaches' narcissistic behavior immediately and started unmasking it before my wife, connecting it with various narcissists she encountered. I also heard a story about a shady coach from my physiotherapist the next day and connected the two. Today, in the morning I started to suspect that my true self is the absolute truth, but I was not able to say this to my wife out loud. I only said that I can't say it because it sounds like heresy. We talked about these coaches and I unraveled narcissism before her, as absolute truth. We started talking about the trouble we had in our marriage and how I was creating it. After that, I experienced a lot of turmoil because the emotions relating to my father started surfacing and the story that I'm writing started to have cohesion. I started conflating narcissism with absolute truth and feeling sorry for having my conceptual self dead for the whole week.

I feel that it's important to write that this story may sound very clear, but it only came about just now, as I was writing it. It all unfolded without my understanding.

With love (to my conceptual self),
I

 

[tsuki]

Probably the most important song of my life:

I once decided to familiarize myself with Hendrix' music and downloaded his whole discography. I started to listen to the whole playlist and fell asleep. This is the song that woke me up and I was like "what the hell is this?". It grew on me over the years and I now consider it to be the most important song that I ever discovered. Too bad it gets shut down quickly every time it gets posted on youtube.

Edited October 24, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Been seek for the past few days. Yesterday, to my wife's horror, I discovered that I lost the sense of smell and taste ?.

It's probably covid. Sigh.

[tsuki]

I'm spending my covid isolation time reading Jung's Archetypes of the collective unconscious.
Damn. This guy is such a genius. He's smart enough to answer questions that don't even occur for me as something to ask.

He's not just snappy-smart, like bright kind of thing. He also did his research and has vast bibliography.
Having an encounter with such a person really puts you in your place.

Damn. I don't foresee ever getting anywhere close to this guy in my lifetime.

Edited November 5, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Sorry, that was Jordan Peterson speaking.

Jung is still awesome though.

Edited November 5, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Isolation day 5.

[tsuki]

Time to get off the forum. See ya.

[tsuki]

Didn't get off the forum but stopped judging myself for it.

Came here to say that I went through some of Leo's blog posts and watched the videos about science. Witnessing people casually mentioning areas of mathematics that I worked my ass of to learn brought me a proper experience of the sublime. I can stomach a lot of "smart" as a capacity for the abstract, as wit and humor, or as profound communication. What really gets me every time is the amount of work that these scientists have done to actually learn the facts that they try to account for in their theories. This has always been my weakest point, I saw no real use of learning how things actually are. Seeing people that can do both - abstract and concrete - to a degree that is beyond my comprehension has left me properly floored and I am grateful for that.

I miss mathematics.

Edited November 19, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

11 hours ago, tsuki said:

This song is very special to me. The pacing of lyrics, its content and the buildup of tension is magnificent.
It connects deeply with memories of mystical experiences.

When I get into meditative state to listen, I am deeply moved, often to the point of crying.

Reposting because I feel like it did not get enough exposure.